We all remembered our first love. It always ended up in heartbreak. First love never worked out, but we still push to try to give love a chance. We tell ourselves someone better will come, someone who will sweep us off our feet and love us without fault. That was what I told myself when my first love didn't work out. I've had flings, but I've only ever loved two people in my life. One had been my first love, and the other had been Matt.
Matt was something I didn't expect to find. Growing up with Jesse and Jason made me stay away from boys because I believed they were all the same. Their friends had been the same too, so I didn't expect any less from their gender. But Matt had been different. Matt had been kind, but he had been something unexpected. We were from different faculties, but I believed we were fated to meet. It was an accidental meeting. I went to see my professor, who had emailed me to meet him in another faculty. Matt had been in the office, kept me busy while I waited for my professor. He kept me talking. He kept me laughing. After that day, we exchanged numbers. We texted, and he invited me out. We never talked about being anything other than friends, but I knew we were more. The way he looked at me and the way he cared told me he felt the way I did. Matt met my friends. I met his. We went to the same parties. Everyone expected us to be together, so it had been a matter of time before we got together.
Then Jesse happened. And I haven't looked at a man in five years.
When Matt texted me to meet him out of the blue, I didn't expect the location to be a children's hospital. I sat in the lobby with couches and chairs, looking over the wide hallways for signs of the man that haunted my dreams. Staring at the walls covered with artworks while my feet tapped against the tiled floor frustrated me to no end. Ignoring the child poking me was a lot harder than I thought, but kids were not on my hate list.
"Iris."
I looked up immediately when Matt called my name. He stood in front of a door and waved me over. I leapt onto my feet, ignoring the poking boy that sighed dejectedly when I left. I met Matt with a smile on my face, happy to see him, but a bit happier that he wanted to see me before our dinner.
"Did I keep you waiting?"
I wondered if it hurt him to smile each time he saw me. Was he truly hiding what he felt? Was I still hurting him? Has he moved on from what I did? I couldn't bring myself to ask. I didn't think I had the luxury to ask him anything.
"No, you didn't." I forced my own smile as we remained by the door.
He shook his head, faintly smiling. "I'm sorry for dragging you out at this time. I didn't know if you were busy...?" he trailed off, left it for me to fill.
Was he wondering if I had work? My cheeks reddened, the idea of telling him that I was a failure when all he had seen in college was a girl determined to set her own path and watch it blossom. Matt used to say he was jealous because I could do anything and he knew in ten years, I would be more successful than anyone he knew. Fast forward to half a decade later, I was almost broke and out of a job. Talk about having a successful future.
"I....wasn't busy. I was a little surprised you called."
"Yeah, I didn't plan to call you out here, but I thought if I didn't, you'd think I was canceling for nothing."
"Cancelling?" My stomach sank.
"The dinner tonight?" he offered, despite me needing no further explanation to get what he meant. When he added, he was careful to press into his words to make a statement. "Something important came up that I can't miss, and we haven't seen each other in years. We have a lot of catching up to do. Since dinner isn't happening, I thought I could still hang out with you today."
What I got from that was he could have canceled on me, but he didn't. He thought about my feelings and he thought about me in a way I thought would never happen again. "Here?" I asked, swinging my gaze around the busy hallway. We were still standing by the doorway, but neither one of us cared that this was not a private place to talk about anything. However, taking a step further seemed far away when we could barely take our eyes off each other.
Matt laughed a little, his head tilting back with the force of it. "Yeah, I know a workplace isn't the most ideal place to have a date."
"Date?" Shakingly, I chose that specific word to repeat.
"What did you think it was?" he asked, studying my face with genuine curiosity.
"A friendly dinner? Matt, I was under the impression that you hated me and never wanted to see me, and I have to tell you I'm shocked you asked me out. After what happened, I didn't think-"
"Iris," he rushed to cut me off before I could catch my breath. I could barely catch my breath from spilling all of that. "Let's not dwell on the past. I asked you out because I wanted to. No-come here." He caught my arm in his hold when the hallway started to get a little crowded for our liking. Matt gently pulled me through the door before closing it.
There was still some warmth left on my skin when he withdrew his hand. It left a cold imprint that almost matched my heart. "Is this your office?" I walked further inside, admiring the set of furnitures and interior. It was clean and basic, almost like something he would love.
"No, but I get to use it when I'm here. What would you like? Coffee? Tea Water?"
I turned to watch him head to the small kitchen on the other side. "I'm good, thank you."
Matt turned to look over his shoulder saying, "Ah, I forgot you were more of a latte girl back in college. Should I have that brought to you?"
The fact that he remembered what I liked five years later brought a change in me. I had been nervous and unsure before I walked into the hospital, but the more Matt and I talked, the more he was easing my nerves.
"No, don't worry about it." I walked over to the chairs, slipping into one before he gingerly sat across from me, crossing his legs. "How are Fred and Diana?" They had been his close friends in college, so I assumed they were still together. When Matt stopped speaking to me, so did his friends.
"Fred is in Massachusetts being a finance guy and Diana works in an investment company."
I frowned. "Wasn't Diana's major medicine?"
"She changed major because of personal reasons."
"Oh." I hadn't known. I had not cared to know anything about him or his friends after we stopped talking. There was no point. I accepted what had happened, and I let go of anything that could hold me back. I was good at moving on, but the one thing I could never perfect was moving on from Jesse.
"Yeah, we've all made pretty big changes, haven't we? Who knew the woman who could work her way around a camera could own a flower shop."
I stopped at his words. "You know?"
"I've to admit that I saw you a month ago. I asked around about you, but I didn't have the heart to approach you."
"You wouldn't have talked to me?"
His gaze darted around as though he would rather look at anywhere but me. "I didn't think you would want to talk to me." He met my eyes with a curve of his lips. "I remember you being good at holding a grudge."
Color flooded my cheeks. If there was ever a time when I hated my past actions, it was now. It made me cringe, remembering all too well. "I wouldn't hold a grudge against you for that. I hurt you," my voice came out as a whisper of sound.
"I wasn't the only one in pain, was I?" he said back, just as low.
"Of course not." The air between us became too heavy with old ghosts.
"I thought so." He grinned, easier now.
"I never did properly apologized to you," I admitted ruefully. If I closed my eyes, I could picture it. It had been so easy for me to give up. Maybe if I had pushed a little harder, would it have made a difference? Things have not always worked out for me and I was never good at giving in. I didn't work hard to get what I wanted back. I have always accepted the way things were. That had always been one of my flaws. I give up without trying.
"Iris-"
"No, Matt, I'm sorry. If I could change what happened that night-a chance for a do over, I would take it. I ruined things between us and you were right to walk away. I'd have done the same." I stop short, my gaze searching his face. He appeared uncomfortable, not meeting my eyes. His own were cast down to his lap.
The tendon along his neck stood out as he looked away, his brows drawn tight. "It was a nightmare for both of us. I'd rather not think about it." He stood. I did too.
He wanted to pretend. I couldn't. The guilt had not left me in five years.
"I-"
A knock came through the door before we both turned around when the handle wiggled. Two seconds later, a woman walked in. Another doctor.
"I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?" she asked as she looked between us, almost as if she was trying to place the situation.
"No, no, it's fine," I rushed to say.
She smiled and nodded before her hand fall from the handle, looking over at Matt. "Sorry, Matt, I didn't know you had a guest, but I wanted to introduce you to our donator. You miss each other every time, so I'm lucky enough that you're here today."
Matt's brows wound up. "The donator?"
"The books?" the doctor said. "I told you about the donation from a publisher-the one who has been generously donating children's book to the hospital. He's here."
"Oh," Matt suddenly exclaimed as it clicked. "Of course, Zoe, send him in." He slide me an apologetic glance. "It will only take a few minutes."
I smiled. "Don't worry about it." Just as I took a step for the door, Zoe returned with a grin on her face. A man walked in behind her a few seconds later.
Everything in me went still. I felt a stone drop in my stomach when I saw Jesse. He did a double take when he saw me, surprise shinning on his face. When his gaze darted to Matt, his face changed entirely.
"Mr. Price, this is doctor Shay," Zoe was saying, oblivious to the temperature in the room that had risen. Looking back at Matt, she added, "Matt, this is Jesse Price. Now that I've made the introductions, I'd leave you two to talk."
No, please don't go.
But Zoe was already walking out of the office, oblivious to the fire she had lit, which could either burn us three or the building.
I didn't know why the first thing I said was his name. "Jesse." I moved closer to him as if it mattered more what he thought and what he would do. It was ridiculous because I felt like I had done something wrong.
"You remember Matt, right?" I added softly, swinging around to give my ex-boyfriend a timid smile. Looking back at Jesse, I could feel the sudden tensing of his muscles. I saw the fury in the icy look of his eyes and the flare of his nostrils. I could sense that he would love nothing more than to strangle me at that moment. He was like a wild animal, poised and ready to strike for my throat.
It made me swallow. I took a hesitant step back.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" he threw the question at Matt. I knew what an effort it must have cost him to keep his voice a casual drawl. He inched forward. I was suddenly forgotten. "Did you not remember what I said? That you shouldn't show your fucking face again?"
What? I stared back at Matt, who kept a steady gaze on Jesse. He was gritting his teeth, but there was something else there. Something between them. I didn't know what it was.
"Was I not clear with my words?" Jesse continued. His lips were a hard, straight line, white around the edges with the effort of holding his temper.
"Jesse, why-" I faltered for the first time, then went on quickly before I lost courage. "why are you doing this? What the hell is your problem?"
"Shut up, Iris," he replied, angrily. And then more softly still, each word uttered with the force of a blow. "You don't know shit." He peered at Matt. "but I guess you're dying for her to know if you're getting way too comfortable, Shay. Stay the fuck away from us."
Jesse grabbed my hand in his tight grip, pulling me out of the office. I didn't protest because I was too stunned for my mind to react.
Over the years, Jesse had attempted to pull me away from boys or anyone that had a crush on me. He would always have something ridiculous to say about them or about me, but this was different. I could see disgust, fear, and anger in his eyes when he spoke to Matt, and when he pulled me out of the office, I felt a strange stillness over me. Like I could not find it in myself to disobey so I allowed him to get me away.
The gust of wind skimmed over my skin when we got outside, awakening my senses and gaining back control. I ripped my hand from his before he could get me inside his car. He turned abruptly. I trembled with an unwanted fear that forced me to look into a face that confused me every single day.
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what the fuck that was."
"Suit yourself." He turned away to walk to his car, but I would not let him leave. My fingers curled around his arm. He halted in his steps.
"Suit myself?" This was a rare moment where he backed down without a fight. He was unwilling, which meant whatever it was, he didn't want me to know. "I think you owe me an explanation, don't you think? If not for how you acted like an asshole, but for pulling me away when I wasn't done talking to Matt."
"You're not done talking to him?" I could feel the barely leashed fury emanating from him like a physical force almost driving me to my knees. "What more could you possibly have to say? The guy fucking broke up with you the same day he asked you out. Have some shame."
"I refuse to believe that's what this is about because we both know why he left me."
"Are you trying to justify what he did? For something you did out of your fucking mind?"
My heart pounded thickly and my voice lowered a little. "Regardless of the reason, Jesse, we slept together."
"I don't think it counts if you barely remember what happened that night," he retorted flippantly.
"But I had you to fill in the gaps so that counts, at least. It doesn't change the fact that we did it and I lost the guy-"
"It was a college romance." He chuckled in annoyance. With icily controlled temper he added, "Get a fucking grip and stop acting like he's your destiny or some shit."
"I never said he was. I'm only asking you to be honest with me and tell me what's going on with you and Matt." I wasn't one to throw accusations without facts, but this time, I was growing more suspicious of him. I sucked in a deep breath. "Did you tell him to break up with me?" If it turned out to be true, I didn't know what I would do. He had been there through all my heartbreaks. It would devastate me to know he contributed to my college heartbreak too.
Jesse rolled his eyes. "You can't be serious."
"Wouldn't be the first time and you're not denying it."
"If I was going to chase him away, you best believe I would have sent him off with a black eye and a lot of bruises," he growled the last part as if he unlocked a memory he didn't appreciate. It made me confused.
"What did he do to you?" I asked.
"Haven't you already made up your mind? Expecting the worse from me? What difference would it make if I tell you when you're not going to believe it?"
"I will," I replied fiercely. I didn't know why, but if he tell me something now, I would believe him. "I will believe you, Jesse. You will never do anything if you think it will hurt someone. You've never done that before." I nodded to coerce him to open up.
"But you believe I could do anything to hurt you. Not anyone else but you, right?"
Everything dried up in my throat as I stared into his eyes. It was ridiculous to have imagined, even for a moment, that he meant something else, or even try to make me understand that his intentions were not to hurt me. And now I could only look back at him, my eyes a fraction wide. In spite of myself, I was terrified. I was terrified the more I seek answers from him, the messier it was going to get.
"That's our relationship," I finally managed to whisper. In a way, it ached to say that.
Jesse swung away from me, saying over his shoulder. "Then, what do we do to change that?"
"What?"
"What do I do to change our relationship? To change how you see me?" His voice sounded so flat it was almost indifferent. He refused to turn his head to look at me. "How do I get you to stop thinking I'm against you, Iris?"
And even when he looked back, I parted my lips open and close. The words got stuck in my throat and I didn't know what to say. The way his words were sincere, and the way he stared at me with sincerity in his eyes boggled me. Reduced me to speechless. There was a shift I didn't like...something that was cracking. Our dynamic was changing. He was changing. It had been a small, subtle change that I had tried to ignore for two years now, but he was facing me with the reality now.
Again, I parted my lips as if I had words to say, but words failed me. I couldn't be honest with myself. What did I want? All I wanted was the bullying to stop, for him not to hate me. I did everything I could to get him to like me at first until I was so consumed by every hurtful things he did that I slipped into hate. Now, all I did was hate. All I felt was hate. All I saw from him was all I felt.
Now he wanted to change my mind? After bullying me my entire life?
Did he think it was so easy to forget?
To change our relationship? Into what? Friendship? Did he think it would be easy? Letting go of all the memories of his torment? The scar left in the relationship with my parents?
Jesse crossed the space between us, and my eyes looked into his. Looking down at me from a distance, he waited for me to respond. I didn't talk. I couldn't talk.
There was someone behind me. I didn't feel it, but I followed Jesse's eyes when he left mine. When he looked over my shoulder, there was a tightness in his gaze. A slight clench of his jaw. He's...angry. It took him seconds before his gaze found mine again. When I held it, there was a change in them.
And the shift that had already started cracking, eventually had to crack.
Jesse put his mouth over mine. At first, I was wildly shocked that I remained immobilized. He gripped the back of my neck, hard, plunging his tongue in my mouth. It was fast, shocking, and electrifying. I had no control over my body. I could have stopped. I could have pushed him away. Instead, I let it go on. Worse, my fingers ran through his soft hair as his mouth sucked on my lips, moving so fast and hard I was not capable of any thought. We kissed as if it was painful, as if all the pent up anger and hatred between us was controlled by the kiss. As if Matt wasn't standing behind us, watching. I kissed him despite knowing it was deliberate and yet, I couldn't stop.
I slowly broke apart, my mind going hazy and my body on fire. Jesse kissed me again, tongue thrusting deep as his fingers grasped my hair, digging through my scalp and transferring his feelings and aggression into me. I ate it up; the toxicity between us, the unhealthy amount of feelings and emotions, I let myself be buried in it. I allowed him to use me and I didn't give a shit.
He pulled away, panting. His eyes glazed as they looked down into mine. My eyes were wide and terrified when I traced my lips with the tips of my fingers, my lips tingling from his kiss.
Jesse staggered back. I continued to stare, not even sure I was breathing. It didn't look like he was either. He seemed shocked he had done that, even more shocked that I had responded because we both knew something had changed. The dam had opened, and what was once between us had shifted.
The cracks were gone.
We were flooded.