There was a time when I snuck into my brother's bedroom to steal his charger and replace it with the one I broke. He was at football practice, so when I had the opportunity, I snuck into his room.
Nobody should ever have to sneak into their brother's room and accidentally find things that would make you want to pluck your eyes out, but I had swept through his stuff just so I could find something I wanted to blackmail him for. Instead, I ended up finding something that swept me into a daydream. It had been a picture of Jesse. He was with my brother when the picture got taken, but it was Jesse who stared back at the camera, a wild smile on his face. There had been something on his face. A look that was wild, dark, and brooding. He seemed like the happiest kid, but then you look again and he seemed intimidating and harsh. And yet, no matter how he looked to me, he was still Jesse; his features and his beauty were there: perfect, enthralling, and seductive.
My lips parted when I stared at that face now. When I knocked on the door and he opened it without question. The fact that I was supposed to be anywhere but here didn't faze me, but I was already here. I had knocked, and he had answered. The rain had slowed, but I was still drenched. It amused me how I could go back and forth between people, not caring the slightest about my well-being, or the fact that my leg was throbbing and I needed to get out of my wet clothes before I wake up sick tomorrow. However, that was the least of my worries.
I stared up at Jesse, felt my lips move, but words didn't form around it. Perhaps I could start by apologizing, but that was easier said than done. I was a woman of few talents and apologizing topped the very list of things I was not good at.
He lets me in.
Barefooted, Jesse lets me inside his house without a fight or a word. He walked back in and left the door open for me. Now, this was the easiest part. My legs would walk me inside, but my words would continue to fail me. After all, I had never admitted to being wrong when it came to him. Never had to apologize or felt ashamed. Embarrassed. Regretful. So many new emotions that didn't fit the criteria of the woman who had spent her entire life hating one man.
I was freezing and shaking, and by the time I limped into the living room, Jesse was kneeling in front of the fireplace, setting a few logs inside before lighting a fire. Immediately, I got drawn by the heat before I moved. I went down on my knees, feeling the warm breath of fire on my skin as I stretched my broken leg. It felt so good that I had to close my eyes to savor it. My teeth still chattered.
A blanket was thrown into my lap. I lifted my head in time for Jesse to sit next to me, drawing his legs upwards and wrapping his arms around them. I held the blanket over my head as I began to run it through my hair. I dried my arms next before keeping the blanket aside, rising to my feet. He watched me quietly.
My hands went around my neck before I gripped my blouse, pulling it over my head to stand in my black bra. I didn't care that he was watching. I stripped down my jeans and stood in my underwear. Limping to the couch, I grabbed the hoodie lying there and put it over my head to wear it. It smelled like him so I tried not to let it affect me when I went back to sit next to him.
I tried not to look at him. Was he surprised? Shocked? I hugged my knees to my chest.
"You must have had quite a day," Jesse drawled.
I didn't turn, but I burst out a fit of giggles that turned into a full-blown laughter. His attention drifted to my face and a small smile played at his lips. He leaned back, his gaze remaining on my face as if he found it odd and amusing to see me laughing.
"We finally lost you, huh? Took so long for that to happen. I thought you would have lost it a long time ago."
Pressing my lips to my bent knee to hide my smile, I flipped him off. He huffed in answer. "Maybe I'm just so good at playing a sane person," I returned. "A sane person wouldn't walk in the rain for ten minutes."
That smile of his grew and quivered around the edges as if he was holding on to his composure with great effort.
"I thought you wouldn't open the door," I said out of nowhere.
"I'm used to you being a bitch, Iris. If I felt hurt in all the years we have spent together, I would have been long gone from your life."
"Why did you stay? For Jason? My parents?"
"For me."
"You?"
Our eyes met. Something strange reflected in his, making his eyes glow and spark. "Because despite how much of a bitch you are, I've never been able to turn you away...or leave you. I wouldn't be doing any of this shit if I didn't care."
He cared. The statement was swimming around in my head. I focused on what I could handle; how to breathe. "Why?" I asked.
He smiled. "Here's a secret, Iris. Letting you hate me was easier than letting me fade in your memory. I thought if we couldn't be friends, we would at least share a relationship, no matter what it was," he said, low and quiet. Something had touched within him and he was trying to contain it. "I didn't know things were going to escalate, and I didn't know you'd hate me that much. I thought if I stopped, I would eventually be nothing in your life so I would rather live through your emotions."
This was basically him admitting he had terrorized me for years for nothing. His excuse was downright unforgiving, but my fragile mind couldn't take up another years of hating him. It had been exhausting. But I wanted to throw it to his face by saying, fuck you. I didn't. I wouldn't. I came here to talk, and I would say a lot.
"Have you realized what you have done over the years? There wasn't a moment where I felt peace, Jesse. You trapped me with an emotion that almost suffocated me." I gripped my interlaced fingers. "Did you know that I had considered running away when I was seventeen? I had packed my bags and was in a train station before I chickened out and went back home. It was too much for me. Mum and dad coddled you. Jason had your back, and I was all alone."
His shoulders slumped. "Iris..."
But I wasn't done yet. "Mum and I made plans for months to go to a basketball game. When that day came and I was excited, she called me on the phone to tell me she was taking you instead because you were feeling sad about a relationship. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" I had to skip a beat.
He cursed silently under his breath and turned his eyes to me. "I would give everything to change back those years."
I stared back at him, unblinking. "I would give everything to change those years so I wouldn't have met you at all. You are the reason Jason and I don't get along. Not for one second have I ever regretted not meeting you."
Everything I'd been stuffing away and suppressing cracked. I knew the tears were already shining in my eyes. It was embarrassing to cry in front of him, but I couldn't help it. I had been hurt so many times, emptied my tears until I allowed myself to suppress my emotions. I hadn't cried in so long. The hole inside me was there, that no matter how much he asked for forgiveness or if I ever forgive him, the pain would still be there. Engraved in my heart. Everything he had been responsible for had punched a fist through me and the thing that had held me upright no longer did.
He didn't touch me. I didn't let out any cry. We sat silently and tensely. I rested my head on my knees, watching the fire burn and crackle.
After some time, he got us a beer without saying anything. We remained seated in front of the fire, which burned the logs quicker than what I felt inside.
"Thank you." I tilted my head to the side so my cheek rested on my knees. His eyes found mine, studying me as I returned the favor. His eyes were hooded. All the regrets reflected there. We weren't back to normal, but we've never really been normal. I continued softly, "If I don't say it now, I might not have the courage to say it tomorrow."
Tomorrow would be different from the me I was right now. Tomorrow would give me the chance to think a lot and think back to what happened today, and I didn't know what the state of my mind would be tomorrow. I only knew right now I was free to say anything. I was free to face him.
"What for?" He didn't move, but some of his easiness melted away and he was tensed again.
"For what you did. Matt took advantage of me while I was drunk."
Jesse looked away. "I was too late."
I shook my head in disagreement. "But you gave me a different memory that was less terrifying than the one he gave me," I muttered with a shaky breath. My heart pounded, then dropped until I got to the last part. "I don't know how I would have been able to get past through that, but you saved me from the torment." Thoughts flashed in my head. Bad thoughts. Miserable and regretful ones.
My insides twisted in a knot repeatedly. Bent over, my forehead to my knees, I took another deep breaths before I exhaled. Everything that I did to Jesse after that night came back to me, laughed at me. Hurled accusations without letting him explain screamed in my head, taunting me.
"I did the best I could, Iris." He lowered his head, those eyes pinning me in place. A pause, then a bite, "He was an asshole who deserves to get his ass beaten, but I don't regret sending him away from your life. I was afraid you would remember if you had kept him close."
A laugh. It was amusing. "I'm such an idiot for wasting my time being heartbroken over him." I felt like I swallowed acid, but I made sure my voice came out strong. "And getting mad at you. Cursing at you. You took it all in despite knowing the truth. You could have used it to hurt me, but you never did."
A second bite that I deserved. "Hurting you isn't something I enjoy."
"But you are angry that I didn't remember that night and kept hating you for it."
"I was angry because I wasn't there in time," he ground out. "I was angry because you had to fall for a guy like that. I was angry because you didn't ask for an explanation when I walked out of the bathroom half naked the next morning. I would have told you I slept on the floor and my shirt reeked of your sweat and vomit that I had to wash off. You assumed the worst when you woke up naked in bed."
"I woke up alone?" My words almost faltered.
His head jerked backwards. His nostrils flared. "Your memories of that morning are not accurate." His hand went to his neck, cupping it. "Iris, I never bothered to correct you because you wouldn't have believed me. You've always thought the worst of me, so I didn't make corrections. You woke up alone, and I didn't even sleep on the bed with you."
"I'm sorry," I ushered out breathlessly, feeling like a cement had found its way to my chest.
"Did you mean it? What you said at the hospital?"
I glanced at him. "Why do we have to talk about that?"
He shrugged before his shoulders hunched over. My lips parted as I looked away. "Of course I did, and I still do," I replied, waiting a beat before I continued, "Your one good deed does not erase all the shit you did to me. You can't expect me to forget. The wounds remained. It doesn't go away just like that." I picked at an invisible lint on my sleeves, then picked it again.
"I'm sorry for making you feel like your parents treated me as their child more than you. It's not true." His eyes narrowed at the wall. "You know my parents and you know they're almost never around. Your parents were there. I think they didn't want me to feel the absence of my parents and wanted to be there for me so the thought of being the only one without a parent around wouldn't hurt me."
A lump sat heavy in my throat. "Oh."
"It was never about you." He glanced at me again and his voice lightened. "And I'm probably assuming, but your parents thought you could handle anything. You didn't need them to monitor you like they did with me and Jason. I don't think you remember, but when you were a kid, you acted like you had control of the world. I envied you a little."
I snorted. "I envied you because you got so much attention from my parents and brother. I didn't realize they were trying to keep you from being lonely."
"Yeah, we didn't really communicate well, did we?" He chuckled.
It amused me too, so I snickered. "If there was ever a time that we did."
His lips quirked. "Right now?"
I grinned without even noticing. "Yeah, I guess so."
Jesse tilted his head back with his chin up, a smile still resting on his lips. "Is this really happening now? Did you just have a civilized conversation with me? Are you sure you're not sick?" He leaned forward and touched my forehead.
Slapping his hand away, I muttered, "Fuck off."
He grinned and picked up his beer again. "Cheers."
With his beer tilted in my direction, I picked mine up and clinked against his. "Cheers," I muttered, taking a small gulp.
Cheers indeed.
I could finally breathe. Though I felt confused, there was still a small weight lifted in my chest. I was still trying to process everything, but for now, I was going to pretend as if I was okay. I would come to terms with everything that happened and I would allow myself to move forward. I have always been stuck in the past, held onto every bad memory that affected me, but I could still change. Free myself from the past and live for the future. Time would surely heal all the wounds, but I knew one thing.
I didn't hate Jesse anymore.