Chapter 17: Chapter 16

THAT WASN’T A COMPLETE LIE, although Saylor was the reason that I wasn’t getting laid. But that was because I only wanted her, and that couldn’t happen. But the rest was true.

A bunch of emojis came through, and I laughed as I set my phone down and walked through the cemetery, making my way to where my parents were buried. Side by side. Both my parents had been born and raised in Magnolia Falls, and they’d raised me and River in the city, but this place had always been home for them.

I dropped to sit in the grass and tipped my head up to let the sun beat down on my face. I came here often. I didn’t have memories of my parents while they were alive, but I’d been coming here since I was old enough to walk on my own to visit them.

I’d heard every story there was to tell from those who had known them, and from those details, I’d gathered I was a lot like my mother. River, apparently, took after our father. Our parents were ridiculously in love, and they were fabulous parents in the short time they were with us.

My brother remembered them and grieved them.

My grandparents suffered the loss of them, and I’d felt that throughout my life.

They’d poured their hearts and their pain into raising River and me.

My parents’ accident was a reminder to me about how quickly life can take away the ones you love.

I’d always been more of a light-and-easy guy. I didn’t take things too seriously. It was a choice I’d made a long time ago.

I glanced over to where the leaves rustled in the tree a few feet away, and a patch of dandelions bloomed near the trunk.

Fuck. I was in a situation, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

“Wish you guys were here,” I said. It amazed me to learn that you could miss someone that you didn’t even remember. I guess some people lived on in your heart and were etched into your soul. “Happy Anniversary. I’m glad that, at the very least, you two get to be together.”

I pushed to my feet and walked the short distance to my grandmother’s nursing home.

Pearl Arabella Pierce is my person.

She raised me, she loved me, and she believed in me. Always had. Always would. When I struggled, she was the first person I turned to. She knew things about me that no one knew.

The guys were my family. I relied on them.

But for advice, my grandmother was who I talked to.

When I walked through the doors of Magnolia Haven, I waved at a few of the ladies that I played cards with once a week and made my way down the hall. Grammie’s room was the last door on the left, a corner suite with views of the garden, which was important to her. River did a good job keeping up with planting flowers for her, and I normally just provided pure entertainment.

It’s what I was good at.

“Hey there, beautiful,” I said, as I waltzed in and kissed her on the cheek. Grammie sat in the reclining chair, looking out at the garden.

She clapped her hands together once and smiled. “My boy. I knew you’d come today. Were you at the cemetery?”

She knew me. Knew that’s where I’d be today.

“I was. Had a little chat with them like I always do.”

She smiled as I dropped into the chair across from her. “What’s on your mind, my boy? You’ve been quieter lately. Visiting more. That means that head of yours is spinning, am I right?”

“I’m fine. Just been a little off the past few weeks.”

“Tell me about it. What’s going on?” she asked as she studied me.

“Everything is good. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“That’s not what I asked. Come on now, you know you can tell me anything.”

I leaned back, rubbing a hand over the back of my neck. “I haven’t felt much like going out, and I’ve just been pouring myself into work, which makes me tired. I’m not used to being grumpy, you know?” I shrugged. I sure as shit wasn’t about to tell her I was sexually frustrated. I’d have to find a way around it because I did need her advice. She’d never steered me wrong.

“Yes. Grumpy is more your brother’s cup of tea.” She shook her head and chuckled. “But you don’t always have to be happy either, Kingston. I think that’s part of your struggle right there.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we like to tease River about being grumpy, but he’s always been very honest about his feelings. When he’s in a bad mood, he doesn’t hide it. When he’s happy, you know it. I never knew with you what you were feeling growing up, because no matter what was happening, you were always okay. It’s who you are. But no one is always okay. So, I’ve learned to drag it out of you.”

I let out a long breath. “I think you and Gramps had plenty on your plate as it was. You didn’t need me to fall apart. You lost your son and his wife, and you raised your grandsons, all while grieving the loss. And River being hospitalized after the accident for months couldn’t have been easy on you. I didn’t remember them, so I was the only one who wasn’t affected. The least I could be is happy, right? I was too young to understand the loss.”

Her eyes widened. Had we never talked about this?

“Just because you didn’t understand the loss at the time, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a huge loss throughout your life.” She reached for my hand and squeezed it. “It’s okay to be sad that you didn’t get to know your parents for very long before they passed away. It’s okay to grieve for what you never had. And it’s okay to not be in a good mood all the time. So how about you stop pretending with me and tell me what’s going on.”

“You know the guys are everything to me. Ride or die and all that good stuff. I would never do anything to mess that up. We’ve been loyal, through and through.”

“But?”

“I’m having these feelings, Grammie,” I whispered as I leaned forward.

“What kind of feelings, my boy?”

“I don’t know, that’s the thing. It’s never happened to me before, so I can’t say for sure.” I shook my head, not certain I even wanted to say it aloud. But I was dying inside, and I needed to talk to someone. The guys would all tell me not to go there, and I knew they’d be right.

“Talk to me, Kingston.”

“I’ve been spending a lot of time with Saylor. You know I worked on renovating her bookstore, and Hayes asked me to keep an eye out while he’s gone fighting this wildfire. Sometimes when I’m around her, I just—feel things. Things I shouldn’t feel for my best friend’s little sister, you know?”

Please read between the lines and don’t make me spell it out.

“Ahhhh… she was here yesterday. Do you know that sweet girl comes to see me almost every single day on her way home from work? She brings me a new book or a sun tea from Magnolia Beans or some pretty flowers that she picked along the way. She’s a special one. I understand why you’re struggling, but it’s silly to make this harder than it has to be.”

“I think it’s definitely complicated.”

“Why? You ask women out all the time. You’ve never been shy.”

“Grammie,” I said, gaping at her as I leaned forward and rubbed my hands together. “This is Saylor. She’s not just some woman. I can’t casually date her. Hayes would cut my—” I paused and thought over my words wisely. “Hayes would have my head.”

She leaned back in her recliner, and a wicked grin spread across her face. “That’s because he doesn’t know the truth.”

“Well, apparently, I don’t know the truth because I don’t know what the fu—what the heck to do with these feelings. So please, enlighten me.”

“Oh, my boy, you really don’t know, do you?”

I threw my hands in the air. “I really don’t. Are you going to quit torturing me?”

“The reason you’re hesitant is because you love her, and that makes everything different.”

I don’t know shit about love. I know that I want to do dirty things to Saylor Woodson. And I know that is wrong.

“That’s old-fashioned thinking, Grammie. I don’t know anything about love when it comes to romantic relationships. But I know that I don’t, er, want to be just friends with her. Does that make sense?”

She chuckled. “I get it, sweetheart. I think you’ve loved Saylor Woodson since she came to stay with us all those years ago. You didn’t act on those feelings because you love her. You’re terrified of love, Kingston. Because you lost the first, most important loves of your life—your parents. You’ve watched everyone you love grieve since you were a toddler. So, you’ve spent your life being easy and happy and keeping things simple, but that wasn’t only to protect us. It was to protect yourself. Your own heart. You knew loss before you knew love.”

“What are we talking about? This is not about love. This is about the fact that I’m uncomfortable because—” I threw my hands in the air in frustration. “Grammie. I can’t sleep with other women because I’m thinking about Saylor. All the fu—freaking time. It’s a physical need. Nothing more. And Hayes would kill me if I acted on it.”

“I disagree.” She shrugged and reached over to grab her teacup and took a sip as if we were discussing the weather and not the shit show that was currently my life.

“You disagree? That’s your answer?”

“Yes. If it were just a physical need, you’d fill it. You’d go out there and do what you do, which you know I don’t agree with. But that’s a chat for a different day. This isn’t physical, Kingston. That’s why you’re struggling.”

I groaned. “I don’t think you understand what this is.”

“And I don’t think you understand what this is.” She raised a brow, setting her teacup on the table. “I’ve been around a lot longer than you. I know these things. So I’m going to give you the only advice I know to give, all right?”

I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, as I clasped my hands together. “Okay.”

“Don’t run from it. It’s rare to find someone who affects you like this. Who consumes your mind and your heart. It’s what I shared with your grandfather. It’s what your parents shared. And it’s what River found with Ruby. Don’t run from it, sweetheart.”

This is her advice?

“I was looking for something a little more specific. Like, go ahead and cross the line, and you won’t be a terrible human being who backstabbed his best friend,” I huffed. “Don’t run from it? Come on, Grammie. What the hell does that even mean?”

“Oh, my boy. The joy you bring me is just too much sometimes.” Her head tipped back in laughter. “What I’m saying is trust your heart. It’s telling you something. Don’t cross the line unless you talk to Hayes. Tell him how you feel.”

Oh, hey, buddy. I can’t stop thinking about fucking your sister. Are you cool with that?

“I can’t tell him that I want to sleep with his sister.” There, I said it.

She was completely unfazed, as if she’d expected me to say this. “I definitely would not recommend saying that. Try dating her first, Kingston. Tell him you have these feelings, and you want to date her.”

“I’ve never lasted long with anyone. I don’t do relationships, you know that. And Hayes would never be okay with me having a casual…” I paused to think of the right word to say.

“Tryst?” she asked, her eyes dancing with excitement.

“Fling.”

“No, I can’t imagine he’d be too pleased with that. I guess you’re going to have to rethink your no-relationship rule. Because if you want to cross the line with Saylor Woodson, all those rules would be thrown out the door.”

No shit.

That was the problem.

I hugged her goodbye, not feeling any better than I had when I’d arrived.