Chapter 32: Bury.
"It's been two weeks, mom." I say, staring at Zachary as his chest rises and falls. He is connected to tubes and wires. He's been like this since he got here. When the ambulance brought him to the hospital, two weeks ago he was almost dead. The doctor told me he had overdosed on pain medication. But luckily he got there in time.
That's what saved him.
"I know it looks like there's no hope, but at least he's alive. Have you eaten today?" My mother asks me over the phone.
I stare out the window, looking at the night sky.
"I haven't." I reveal.
"Valarie, it's almost midnight. You have a baby inside you." My mother says, concerned.
"I know, I just. I can't eat, not when he's dying." I say, sobbing. "You gotta help me, mom. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm watching the man I love die. I can't possibly eat when he might never get the chance to eat again." I tell her.
"I'm coming there right now. And I'm bringing you some food. Just stay there." She says before she hangs up.
I place the phone in my purse and I drag my seat closer to Zachary's bed. I hold his hand, squeezing it.
"Please wake up. We need you. I can't do this alone." I sob, kissing his hand as my tears touch his fingers.
The machines start going off and Zachary's chest starts palpitating and my eyes widen. He starts foaming at the mouth and my heart literally stops.
"Nurse!!!." I scream in fear. Running out of his hospital room I get to the help desk and I tell them what's going on. A doctor and two nurses follow me back to his room. When they see his condition, they beckon me to wait outside. I refuse, obviously. They get a defibrillator and start jerking Zachary back to life. I start crying at the sight of his body being tossed around like he's not in there. I willingly leave the room. I can't watch that.
An hour later, I'm eating the gumbo my mother made for me. I haven't been to Zachary's hospital room since I left. I can't see him like that. I just can't do it.
"Honey, do you want to come stay with your dad and I? You haven't left this hospital since Zachary got admitted. You're wearing the same clothes you were when you found him." My mother says, touching my back.
"If I leave, I don't think I can come back here and see him like that. I can't do it, mum." I say, wiping my eyes.
"It'll be fine. He'll wake up. I'm sure of it. He's a fighter. He'll get through this." My mother says, holding my hand.
"And if he doesn't? I can't raise our child alone." I tell her.
"He will." She says, waving that thought off.
"Fine. I'll leave with you. But I'll be back here first thing in the morning." I tell her and she nods.
***
"How's he?" Courtney asks me, playing with the hands of her sweater.
"How does he look?" I ask her.
"Not great." She says and I nod.
"There you go." I whisper.
"Did you know he was depressed?" Courtney asks and I shake my head.
"I didn't even see him sad. He was never sad when he was around me. I don't think he was suicidal." I tell her, fixing Zachary's hair.
"Everyone's worried about him...like everyone from High School. They're holding an event in his honor." She says and I stare at her.
"In his honor? He's not dead." I tell her.
"I know that. It's just this suicide prevention thing to raise awareness. And we would like you to give a speech." She says and I glare at her before I laugh.
"You want me to give a speech?" I say with a sarcastic chuckle.
"Yes." She maintains.
"Can't you see what I'm going through. Are you sure you're alright in the head? I am seven months pregnant and hella stressed because my boyfriend is on his deathbed and you're asking me to give a speech." I tell her.
"Look, I know you're hurting-" She starts but I cut her off.
"No, you don't. Because if you did." I pause trying to hold my tears back. "You wouldn't ask me what you just did." I tell her.
"You would be helping millions, Vee. People that are about to give up and put their loved ones in your state. You can give them a reason not to, despite their many reasons why. Mothers are going to bury their sons if you don't do this, Vee." She says, tearing up.
"Well in that case...no." I tell her. "Please leave." I say, wiping my nose with my handkerchief.
Courtney doesn't say anything else, she just walks out of the hospital room. I turn my attention back to Zachary and I run my fingers through his hair.
"You're gonna be fine." I whisper under my breath.
***
I hold the steering wheel as I cry. I need to let my emotions out before I go in there. I need to put up this strong facade, so I better get rid of the tears in my system first. When I'm done crying, I touch up my makeup before I get out of my car. I adjust my dress as I walk to the red carpet.
"Valarie, over here." A photographer screams as I stare at the array of cameras waiting to take my picture. Flashes go off and on. I try to blink away the effect they have on my eyes. I pose for the camera, faking a smile.
"You look beautiful, Valarie." I hear someone say as I walk to the other side of the carpet to get my picture taken again. I told Sarah that I wasn't going to do any interviews. I'm just here to give the speech, Courtney begged me to do and I'll go back to the hospital.
After I'm done taking pictures, which feel like forever by the way, I head inside and I am thankful for the darkness in the building. The only source of light is coming from the stage. After being attacked by a hundred flashlights my eyes need a break.
"You came." Courtney says, walking up to me.
"Yeah." I say, frowning.
"I'm very grateful. Now come, I have to show you the schedule for the night, so you'll know when you're going on." She says, hooking my arm with hers as she pulls me with her.
She shows me the schedule and tells me I'm going on after a musical performance. She tells me to hang around so I can hear when she introduces me onstage.
I'm stuffing my face with pigs in a blanket when I hear my name being called. I look at the stage and I see Courtney.
Oh, it's time.
I chew what's in my mouth and drink some water before I walk towards the stage, wiping my mouth with my hand.
"Hi." I say into the microphone on the podium.
"When I was asked to speak at this event, I initially declined because I'm going through a lot right now. As some of you may know, my boyfriend overdosed on pain medication and he hasn't opened his eyes in three weeks. I'm trying to keep the hope alive, but I don't think I can anymore." I confess.
"I'm scared. I'm very terrified of what will happen if he doesn't wake up. And the doctors are trying their best to keep him alive, and I can see him fighting too. But I wish he fought harder when he was awake. When he had control. I know it doesn't look like I'm a total mess because I got dressed up and came for this event, but underneath this foundation and lipstick are eye bags, sore eyes and pale skin from lack of sleep. And to top it all off, the hell that comes with pregnancy. I am slowly falling apart and that's the same way your loved ones will fall apart and break down if you let that knife close enough to slit your wrists. If you add one more pill to the heap already piled up in your palm. If you take that gun to your head and you pull the trigger, this is the aftermath." I say, pointing at myself.
"Me. Your parents, sisters, brothers, friends, will become like me. They will cry at your hospital bed or tombstone for months. They won't eat because they'll feel horrible that you're not getting the chance to eat as well. So, they'll starve in order to feel how you felt when you killed yourself. When you decided to end it all without thinking of the people you'd hurt by leaving. I'm not going to tell you that there's more to life and good things are coming. Because sincerely, they're not. It's probably gonna get worse, but you'll never know that because you chickened out, you didn't wait to find out. You let the pain overwhelm you and you were right to, but you need to hear me when I say that being alive is enough reason to want to stay alive." I say, feeling the tears pooling in my eyes. My vision blurs before the tears fall.
"Don't do it. Even though the darkness is calling and it tells you that you'll be fine after you kill yourself. Don't answer its call. You're stronger than that. Believe me. I don't know about the light at the end of the tunnel, but there might be some ice cream." I say and the crowd laughs. "Everyone likes ice cream right? Stay alive and have some ice cream, there's no ice cream in the grave." I say before I walk off the stage and everyone claps.
"That was amazing." Courtney says, hugging me.
I'm shocked by her sudden show of affection but I hug her back and stay in her embrace.