No no no no no no-
There must be some misunderstanding. I gripped the side of the locker and closed my lids forcefully. I knew I was getting weird looks from the other students parading the hallway, but luckily the limited lunch time and they were forced to mind their own business and let me have my little crisis.
I forced a sharp breath, feeling light headed as multiple thoughts run me over at once. Her glacial glare was burned in my mind making it all more rushed. A glare I didn't think I'd be seeing again here and everything in me froze.
I could barely feel my heart, like it'd dropped to my stomach, crumbling like a paper under the pressure and apprehension of seeing her.
Jade Stefan.
Apparently, her parents had paid her way back in. Not really that surprising, but still a total shock when I leave class for lunch period and saw her barely meters away, chatting cheerfully with another cheerleader. Well, cheerfully until her gaze met mine, then even through that smile her eyes turned murderous.
Why? How could they let her back? Why why why why-
"Oh my God, Alyson." all my spine stiffened at the sweet/fake-concerned voice from behind me. No. Fear flowed through my veins like liquid ice. "I've been looking everywhere for you," she sounded closer now, right beside me. I flinched when she grabbed my shoulder to turn me to face her.
Jade.
"A little jumpy, are we?" she smiled innocently at my grimace, almost passing as a sweet girl, but the coldness in her eyes didn't fool me.
I clenched my hold on the book I was holding, needing some balance for the sudden ragged drummer in my chest. Blood rushed deafening in my ears as I gawked at her like seeing a ghost. Last time I'd been in the same space as her... she kicked me. She beat me and humiliate me. And now was standing there, acting like we were old friends meeting again?
I felt lightheaded, dizzy. The attention to her little scene only made it ten times worse. What was she doing?
"What?" she slightly grinned when I failed in reacting. Her voice smooth as she tilted her head to the side. The perfect image of innocence.
"Y-you..."
"Oh, right." she giggled and I almost flinched again when she reached out to fiddle nonchalantly with one lock of golden hair. "I just got back. You see? They say now they're getting me under very close vigilance." her eyes rolled tauntingly and I felt my heart going overdose at her psychotic ways.
Every pair of eyes in that hallway was looking.
Everyone knew what she'd done... or at least had a vague idea.
I had expected her to keep her distance not to get expelled again, or in case she wanted to confront me again to do it alone but no. There she was. Openly making me lose my mind in a crowded hallway. Was this her way to rub in my face that she'd gotten away with it?
Backbone, backbone... where is my backbone?
"Look." she sighed, stepping closer and out of impulse I matched the approach backwards.
For a second a hint of mockery tugged her upper lip, but it was gone before realizing it, back to that fake sweetness. But enough to prove me I was right to feel distressed.
"Chill, Alyson. I'm not gonna eat you." she giggled and took another step, pushing my locker close now that she stood beside it. The loud noise made me jump again and her eyes glimmered with wicked amusement. "I've only come to tell you that I forgive you."
"F-forgive me?"
"Yes, I know it was just all a big misunderstanding. The principal was very attentive and patient when I explain everything. After all, they accepted to have me back for a reason, haven't they? But don't worry, no one is blaming you, you were so confused..."
There was when I realized this wasn't only to rub in my face that she got away, but for everyone to see. To get her side and not hold anything against her. She hadn't attacked me, it was all a crazy story I made up.
A misunderstanding! What kind of misunderstanding could be taken by the state I was found? With the confession of Connor's witness?!
I shook my head, the heartbeat now mad pounding in my ears. "I didn't-"
"I know." she waved dismissively with that sickening gentle smile. "No bad blood out of it, okay? Come here." and before I could step back again she covered the remaining distance and hugged me. Hugged me! Jade! I wanted to shove her away, to run and never see her face again. But fear seemed to block my muscles, anchoring me there, stiff as a statue, unable to breathe. Now on a low tone so only I could hear she whispered, cold and harsh. "Watch out, freak." I went to pull away, but her hold tightened, magnifying my anxiety. "You've messed up with the wrong person, bitch."
"Let g-go!"
She did, and I immediately tripped backwards in my hurry, making my back collide with someone's front. Yet, too freaked by the hidden aggressiveness in Jade's display, I barely felt the arm that came under my chest to hold me standing when my legs decided to fail in doing so. It felt as if the place was too small, the air was too heavy and my muscles too slow.
"You okay?" but I didn't quite hear the low voice in my ear as the person behind me straightened me back on my feet. My eyes were set on Jade and how her face held that innocent look once more, raising her hands in a fake worry.
"I-I'm sorry, I was just trying to be nice." her manipulations were making me sick. I knew people would believe her. I could tell by the weird look I was receiving now. One minute and Jade already had things turning her way. She bit her lip stepping back and leaving me wide eyes and breathing hard, having to hold on the lockers for support because my knees were about to give up. "I..." she sighed, projecting that sad image of a kicked puppy. "I didn't mean to upset you?"
She was sick!
And I would have a panic attack if I didn't get away from her suffocating presence at once. She made another step, but wasn't even able to fulfill it as the arm around my middle shifted pushing me behind the person's back as he stood before me and this time Jade did tear her gaze from mine, meeting Connor's.
Connor's?
Seeing his back and dirty blond messy hair seemed to snap me some sense back. I grew more aware of my surroundings, of the floor under my feet, the whispering around, the warmth of his hand around mine as he held me behind him. My rushed heart did a flip. There he was again, backing me up. Like in that backyard, like with Noel. Even if he didn't leave on the best terms last Monday.
"What?" Jade pouted up at him, the mischief hint back in her eyes, but the rest of her act was impeccable. "I'm trying to make amends here-"
"Piss off."
"Excuse me?" gaped the blond cheerleader, so surprised that even her innocent façade fell for a moment. If I wasn't this shaken I would be startled myself, or maybe even amused. When was the last time someone told Jade off? If someone ever even did. Her back straightened, that glacial look now open for everyone to see, but Connor didn't eve blink. "You always seemed to be around, don't you?. What are you? A stalker?"
Her intend to push his buttons went down went he only rose one brow, gave me one brief look and then leaned closer to Jade; muttering barely a couple words I couldn't hear, but that got her eyes widening and her lips parted in shock. For a second she looked almost scared, yet she recovered quickly and try to hide back in her miss perfect, innocent mask.
"Look, Mendley, you're in no position to mess with me. Aren't you just back from fighting Noel? This is between Alyson and- hey!" Connor bypassed her not caring for her words, and as his hand was still on mine I was tugged right after. "I'm not done here!"
But her voice faded into the background as he took us through the passing students as they all lose interest and go back to their business. I could only feel my heart on every corer of my body, flashbacks and trauma of her past abuse. I hadn't even noticed I'd started crying until the cold air stroke my wet cheeks. I glances around as the door close behind us, surprise to see us in that same backyard where I found Connor spraying the walls.
He let go of my hand and I immediately felt it's lost like a tug in my chest, missing it against the coldness from inside me. I was shaking too and carefully took a seat at the bench of that same table we'd been the last time, glaring the floor trying to control myself, but it wasn't working.
"She's a bitch." Connor deadpanned dropping his back on the floor and searching in his pockets for the lighter. I looked up at him, slowly realizing that while I was struggling with my own anxiety, he'd defended me. Again.
I hadn't seen him since last's Monday night. When he claimed not to be mad, but looked pretty worked up to me. Since then he's been suspended for his fight with Noel and today was the first day he was back. An so was Jade's. But why? The girl hurt me, beat me... and now was freely roaming through the halls? Confronting me openly?
"Come on." Connor shifted, uncomfortable, glancing around as I couldn't control a shaky sob and hugged my middle trying to held it in, but a shattering feeling of vulnerability shook me from inside. I didn't feel safe and I hate it. "Don't listen to her."
"S-she shouldn't be here." I sniveled pathetically. I knew I was annoying him being weak again, but I couldn't help it. It felt as if the little advances I made so far were torn at once. "T-they told me she wouldn't come back. That I wouldn't have t-to... to-" I choked in my own cries, covering my face unable to stop. I felt cold, aching, trembling... Like I was trapped back in that awful day.
I heard Connor sighed frustratedly, probably dreading having brought me here, and the bench dipped under his weight by my side. Come on, get a grip! I sniffled, holding my breath to be as silent as I could but wasn't really working. Because I was weak.
I flinched when his hand brushing the back of my head, carefully petting my hair before wrapping his arm over my shoulders. It was a protective gesture. He was trying to console me, I realized and my heart clenched. It was stiff and light, almost as if unsure it would be okay or how to fully proceed, but he was trying. I leaned on him out of instinct, seeking that warmth tickling my insides against the freezing fear left; shocked he even was the one to initiate it even if he now sat rigid. At the shift my side pressed against his, my cheek pressing the cold leather of his jacket and his own arm hesitating in the air for a couple seconds before he awkwardly allowed it tighter around me.
It was clear he didn't feel eased at this kind of contact, but the comfort helped the iced lump in my guts. It took me a couple more minutes to get a hold on this tornado in my chest and head. Somehow I controlled my breathings again and wiped my tears ashamed.
"I'm sorry." I sniffled moving away, ignoring the tug in my stomach. "I-I didn't mean to be this mess." he shrugged, completely unbothered with that inexpressive face of his. "What did you say to h-her?" I stuttered remembering the fearful expression at whatever it was but he just shrugged again, making me take a shaky breath wiping my teary cheeks once more. "Are you... Are you still mad at me?"
This time I forced myself to meet his eyes, taken aback by the intensity swirling in them despites the rest of his face being absolutely stoic. If I didn't know him, I would say eh did look upset -well, as upset as someone this cold could look. There was a light twitch in his frown, pursing his brows closer and spiking more of that weird buzzing within me as he stretched the silence. My face heated self-consciously under his unwavering stare until he finally he gave me a gentle head shake. "Never was."
Never? I remember his moody snap last Monday's night. He said then too he wasn't upset but the way he slammed the door. Could had fooled me.
"Thanks, by the way." I draw a forced smile. "Looks like I'll need to hire you as a bodyguard."
"Or fight back."
"Yeah." I giggled nervously, dropping my gaze at the yet again reminder of what a soft crybaby I was. "I really wasn't expecting to see her." I confessed, embarrassed. "It took me by surprise, and brought back... memories." I shuddered as more images of that day in the bathroom flashed behind my eyes and shook my head. I needed to focus on something else, so I babbled: "Is that what you do? Fight back?" he shrugged. "That guy the other day, at the park. He said you fight too. A part of the wager-swap?" the only answer I got was an eloquent stare. I gulped, twisting my fingers. "Is it dangerous?"
"No."
My brows knitted together. "How could it not if you're fighting? And for money."
"They pay well."
That's wasn't really reassuring. "Is it like a gang?"
"Not really." he leaned back against the table finally lightening the cigarette he'd taken the moment we stepped here and I blushed, realizing he hadn't so far because I was keeping his arms occupied with my little melt down. There are a few gangs around, but anyone can participate."
"I don't like it." I mumbled and he shrugged again, blowing out a large steam cloud and I held my breath not to inhale it. That seemed to humor him and he sent me that tiny smirk. "I think it is dangerous and you are risking yourself over a few extra bucks."
"You say it yourself. Quick money in no time."
"I-I mean, yes, but those were skate competitions. This sound a little more aggressive. Do you get hurt?"
"Sometimes..." he trailed uninterested and rolled his eyes and my frown. "Forget it, okay?"
"I can't. I keep thinking about it... it was fun, you know? The other day. And you were really great. Well, I guess you know that already. They all seemed to know too, that girl on the wager tried to get me betting against you. At first I thought she was being nice, but now I think she was trying to get me to lose..." his lip tugged, cocky at his ego being rubbed and I blushed, self-conscious at my nervous ramble. "Whatever. What I'm trying to say is that it was fun." I cringed realized I'd said that already.
"I never brought anyone before." he said nonchalantly and his interjection made me less anxious at my stupid babbling.
"Why?" he gave me a pointed look like it was the most obvious thing and then it hit me. He was a loner. At least at school, he didn't like anyone and keep a distance from everyone. But we were friends now. "Well, I'm glad you brought me." I was unsure as if to keep that path, considering that night didn't exactly ended well between us. Instead, I find myself asking: "How were the days off?"
He shrugged, what a surprise. "Boring."
Everything was to him. To be honest, now that the anxiety of seeing Jade again was running down I'd gauge on the realization we were talking again. It was weird that I'd notice his absence these days. That I'd missed him somehow. I was a coward, so I didn't get enough courage to reach out. Not like I had a way to. I wanted to drop by with Norah just to check how was he doing in his suspension, but we parted in odd terms. He was mad, or so I thought, and had been suspended because of me.
"Would you give me your number?" I blurted out of nowhere and he looked at me, surprised, making my face heat up violently as my heart drummed. "I-I mean, I just realized I don't have it. And I was wondering if, um... would you?"
Connor hummed, flickering the cigarette before dropping the butt on the ground and stepped on it. "I don't have yours either." he said and I breath easier at his easy-going approach, deciding not to mock me over it. My chest did some more flipping as he unlocked his phone and gave it to me.
I saved my number with a grin, sending a text and returned it to Connor just as mine beeped in my pocked. I took it out and save his number too, typing back 'hi' and his phone rang.
"Did you just answered yourself?"
I blushed. "Eh... no?" but we both know I just did and he made that fleeting little smile before looking away and brushed it with his hand. Why? He was cold, okay, but there were times when he pushed himself to be even more detached that he would naturally be.
I pursed my brows as my phone buzzed in my hand. Now that I had it unlocked, I realized I had several texts from Macy and Norah. Even from Brett. They all realized Jade was back too late and were worried I wasn't anywhere to be found. I responded I was fine, not wanting to worry them. My eyes widened when I saw the time it was.
"Oh, shoot. With all this the lunch break is almost over and we haven't eaten anything. Aren't you hungry? Now that I think about it, I'm really hungry." I thought out loud fishing the tupper in my backpack and pulled it out, opening it carefully. "Here you want some?" I took one of the vegetable rolls and he eyed it warily. "They're good, really. They don't look the best, but I promise they're like pieces of heaven. Especially when my grandma makes them."
Hesitating another second he took it but didn't quite move to taste it. "What are those?"
"Vegetable rolls. They have cauliflower, carrots, bread." his nose wrinkled and my stomach sunk in disappointment. "Just try it."
Even in his flat expression I could read his disgust and the unsaid question 'do I really have to?'
I sighed. I'd been here with the girls as well. Being vegetarian and all my diet had to be creative since a lot of normal food was out my schedule, but they didn't really look appealing to those outside. I guess I couldn't help it, but it still somehow felt bad. I reached out to take the roll back, but Connor retreated his arm.
"Don't you ever miss meat?"
"Dead meat." I scrunched my face, shaking my head. I mean, I still remember the taste of it, and sometimes I would smell something that would try and lure me, but it was dead meat. A dead animal. That thought alone was enough to kick my gag reflex. "Not really." I took my own roll, content when I saw him trying his and the little signs of disgust melted a little as he chew slowly. "How is it?"
Surprise: he shrugged. I giggled, nudging his shoulder with mine and from there the conversation fell into a pleasant rhythm. Well, 'conversation'. I did most of the talking with my rambles and he would add a comment of nod here and there. Short contributions, but this was Connor. Getting him to utter more than some monosyllable was an achievement itself. We shared my lunch. I knew he probably would rather go buy himself something else, but I wasn't prepared yet to entered the halls again and the fact that he wordlessly agreed to stay here did something in my heart.
It was oddly pleasant his presence, and something I had missed these past days. Connor was growing on me and I could tell at some point I must have a similar effect on him. One, because he wasn't as indifferent and cold, and two, because he had my back whenever I need him. If he hated me like I thought no so long ago he wouldn't care enough.
I find myself eying him more often than not, taking note in the mess his long locks were, the brad frame of his shoulders, the ink showing at the borders of his collar and sleeve... but also things I was just noticing lately, like the way he twitched his lip when he disagreed with something, or the warmth his eyes held when he was comfortable, at the weird sense of humor that kick out randomly and somehow always manage to spread butterflied under my skin. For some reason he didn't like people in general, he was better off on his own and in return kept everyone an arm away. Except Norah. And lately, for some reason, he was too letting me see more of him.
But why? Why was he so cold all the time? Was this detachement part of his personality or was there something else behind? Why was he always skipping, causing trouble... and now this wager-swaps? What was the money for? Why did he get so mad the other day over nothing? He was like a big mystery that didn't even give enough clues to help you resolve it on your own.
I flushed deep red when he caught me staring and his brows rose. Well, here goes nothing, so I cleared my throat and asked what I'd been meaning for a while: "How are you?"
That earned me a wary glance, sensing the change in the tone; but he didn't seem to know where this new seriousness came from. "Fine."
"I mean, seriously." I kept the now empty tupper and zip up my bag. He narrowed his eyes and the lump in my guts twitched some more. "Connor." I began softly. "I know this is a sore topic, but I've seen how... How t-the divorce is affecting Norah and if you-"
"They're not divorcing." he dismissed dryly, in a clear end-tone and his mood shifted completely, closing up. My heart dropped when he turned forward, building up that ice wall once more. Yet his hands fisted tightly and that only confirmed it was indeed a sore topic. As I overthink what to do about his denial of the obvious situation with his parents, Connor abruptly stood, not wasting a second to hand his backpack over one shoulder and heading towards the school door. Just like that. He was leaving.
"No, w-wait." I stood before him to halt his getaway, my hands pressing his chest out of instinct; but when I noticed I quickly retreated them, blushing. Luckily, he did stop, glaring down at me with such an intensity I felt it shudder down my spine. There was no sign of the guy who comforted me half an hour ago in this glacial version of his. Somehow I find my voice: "You want me to fight back, but whenever something emotionally touching comes your way you push everyone away!" I rushed, glad the shaking of my speech wasn't noticeable. "You can't bottle everything in forever! It'll explode at some point!"
"So?"
So?! I was so frustrated I almost stomped my foot at his infuriating cold shelf. "So stop being so difficult. I'm here, I'm your friend."
"So?"
"So you can talk to me."
"I don't want to."
I had to swallow the painful jolt at that. He's just trying to push me away. That's what he does, but you are friends. He's always there for you, woman up and stood your ground.
"It may help-"
"You know nothing."
Breath easy, you got this. "I-I know you're mad. Like, all the time. And for more than just the divorce, but you won't let it out. Talking it can be helpful you know? Because getting involve with gangs, skiving and getting in trouble seemed more like a path to self destruction."
His jaw clenched, making his voice rougher and low. "You know nothing."
"I know I care about you." I confessed, feeling my face on flames, but I forced my eyes to remain on his. Remember Noel, remember Jade. Connor is the one that helped you with them. "I care about you, okay? A-and so does Norah. And more people is you let them... but you don't! I don't know what you're going through, but talking about it might make it easier. It's clear it's hurting you and you can't keep going like this forever."
And it was true. Even with the softer side he'd been showing lately, he was still a ticking bomb, he only needed one wrong word and he shut down. He was clearly hurting, he maybe was lost or confused, but until he allowed himself to rely on someone else there was little we could do. And I hated to think he had to go through whatever that was troubling him alone when he had gone out his way and take the consequences to help me. It didn't feel right.
Connor didn't bother with a response, the heaviness in his dark eyes spoke volumes for him. Instead, he dismissed me, sidestepping like I wasn't even there and something in my chest throbbed painfully. Enough. Before he could reach the door, I took his arm, tugging to spin him back towards me. Surprisingly, I succeed and once he was facing me again I let my instincts take control over self-consciousness and snaked my arms around him.
Everything seemed to freeze for a second, but at the same time a different kind of fire caressed my being from inside. I nested my head under his chin; getting a better hold as -much like last Monday- Connor stiffened in shock. But he didn't push me away and I smiled a little stretching it some more seconds. I knew him quite enough now to be aware if he didn't want me hugging him, he'd just pushed me away. But he didn't.
"I-I know you think most people are shit, but you don't have to be on your own all the time."
"Alyson..." Connor let out a faint, disbelieved chuckle, taken by surprise. That odd, cute noise I only heard once before and that somehow gets easily under my skin.
I felt the tension in his muscles, but he still didn't push me. That was good right?
After what it felt like forever, he let out a sharp breath and brought his arms around my back too. I smiled into his chest, cocooned in his warmth embrace as he let out a sharp, frustrated breath.
Frustrated at me?
Who cares? He was hugging me.
I buzzed with electricity at the amazing feeling and sensed him shaking his head before resting his chin on the top of my head, making me shudder at the way his chest rumbled when he spoke again. "Dammit."
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