I squirmed in the back seat of a red Dodge Challenger. Impressive car. The kind of vehicle I might as well picture with a proper composition and achieve an amazing picture. But instead of gushing about it, I sat there awkwardly, glancing out the window to the dark passing streets rethinking my choice when I agreed to come to the fights.
Because I agreed to come with Connor. He never mentioned this guy driving -the owner of the beautiful car. He was about our age, maybe a couple years older. His hair was shaved to almost none, barely a dark shadow and his ears and brows held some silver piercing. That and his deep scowl wasn't actually inviting me to feel wanted there.
Who was this? A friend? They'd come around to pick me up ten minutes ago and all the introducing I got was Connor saying he was Trevor. Trevor. As if that was self-explanatory itself. Who was Trevor? Where did they know from? But, of course, there weren't more explanations than his name. And now we sat there on our way with music blasting on the stereos, the kind of loud beating I'd also heard in Connor's room. It was a little too loud, but I didn't dare to complain about anything not wanted to risk them regretting it and leaving me out of this.
Instead, I tapped my fingers on the door handle at the mad rhythm of the beat. How could they enjoy this? It was giving me a headache.
My heart skirted as I met Connor's gaze in the rear mirror. Before I could begin to form a word he was snapping: "What?"
"What?"
He frowned, unimpressed at my parroting. "You're shivering."
"O-oh," I glanced down and of course, it was damn obvious I was indeed trembling. "Right," I brushed my arms, but the warmth only helped while I brushed. Not really helping. I tugged the fists of my jumper "Y-you see, I wasn't planning on go full-night out. I would have been prepared if I'd known before hand."
Somehow he seemed to frown more on that. "We still can drop you home." he spat and I quickly shook my head.
"I didn't say that!" I rushed, afraid he might as well follow through with it. Connor rolled his eyes and I glanced to Trevor, who was pressing his lips together as he brought his gaze back on the road. Was he laughing at me? My chest twitched as I looked back at Connor who now boredly looked down at his duffle bag, scrolling through it. "I was just implying that a little more time noticed would have been nice. But I'm not complaining. I like to rustle up too. In fact, I master rustling up. There was this one time -ow." I was cut as a heavy cloth landed on my lap. I gave him a wary look, unfolding it to find out it was his black hoodie, the one I'd seen him wear all the time. "Is this your way to let me borrow your hoodie? " He nodded and I grinned, more moved than the situation demanded. "Well, thanks! But, you know, for future interactions, actual words work just as fine as throwing stuff." Connor rolled his eyes and I slid it on.
Even sitting, I could tell the cloth was huge. It wrinkled, pooling around my hips and the fists fell pass my fingertips. I'd never felt smaller than I did now. Also, I found myself drenched in his familiar scent, smoke and somehow citric. I melted, hugging myself.
"Won't you be needing it?" Please say no, please say...
He gave me a look. "I'm giving it to you, ain't I?"
"Yeah, but I mean, if it means you're the one freezing it doesn't matter. I didn't mean to make you-"
"You didn't ask for it," he cut me. "I handed it over. Period."
"Oh, yeah, right." It wasn't easy to argue with him, especially if most of the times I wasn't sure if he was upset at me or amused. Still, I cleared my throat. "Thank you."
Trevor scoffed, speaking for the first time since I got in this car. "How cute."
I blushed at his mocking undertone and Connor glared at him. "Shut up."
He smiled, shaking his head and take a turn into a bigger main street, down the outskirts where the warehouses and factories were.
"So," I cleared my throat, trying to be more brave and now feeling as if the thick hoodie was an armor. Also, he had broke his bow of silence so... "How did you two meet each other?"
Trevor shrugged; to my surprise, reaching out to lower the volume and the mad beat with it. "We go to the same pusher."
"What?"
"We meet on the wager-swaps." Connor told me the real reason as Trevor coughed a laugh at his hilarious joke. "He sucks at skating."
"I do not." complained him back, amusement gone now and was back at frowning. "I've won you several times." Connor shrugged, not bothering to even answer and Trevor scoffed, meeting my gaze on the rear mirror briefly. "Connor fell on his ass one time too, you know? So humiliating-"
"It was raining."
"Like that mattered."
I grinned a little at their exchange, feeling more light now and shifted forward in my seat. "Do you fight as well?"
"Meh." Trevor shrugged with that totally clear answer. "What about you, luv? Are you interested in it?"
I blushed and Connor snapped his gaze at him. "Don't call her that."
"And why not?"
I could feel the tension building up again as Trevor smirked provokingly at Connor and took the chance to wind it up. "I-it's okay. And I'm not. Not really. I'm trying to see how to convince Connor it's too dangerous, but seeing he'd invited me instead of listening I don't think I'm doing too well. What about you? You see, I heard this thing the other day that-" I kept babbling, embarrassed but also relieved that I wasn't feeling so out of it as they just let me talk out the silence. Trevor would nod every now and then, but Connor just glanced out the window completely uninterested.
I was barely aware of the street around us changing, from the functional factories to the abandoned ones, further down this part of the city, where even the lighting wasn't so taken care of. The building was unkempt, the walls all dirty and full of street art -much like the one Connor fancy so much. The dumpsters every couple turns were full, rubbish on the floor by it and it makes me wonder if the garbage truck even come here anymore. And what's up with all this? This was an almost abandoned part of the town, no one even works here anymore and the nearest apartment block was too far.
A chill ran down my spine as I finally realized the spooky place we were in, making me stop talking as I glance around. The fights or whatever were here? Trevor slowed the car, stopping by an old manufacturing plant. I could spot more cars and groups of people gathering around the place. But really? The darkness, the environment... This place gave me the creeps.
"We're here." announced Trevor, shutting down the engine and opening his door. The coldness of outside leaked through the break he created and I got goosebumps all over again. "Come on." and with that he was out the car.
"He speaks almost as little as you." I muttered and sent Connor a teasing grin. "But smiles more."
His eyes rolled, the corner of his mouth twitching and I bloated just thinking he was indeed suppressing a smile now. "Get out." he ordered instead and followed Trevor's lead, leaving me alone in the vehicle.
Biting back a giggle, I did as they both instructed and shut the door behind me. Once outside the weirdness and spookiness of the situation hit me as well as the cold air. The place was even darker as Trevor shut the car and the light died.
There were laughs and chatting on the air, music in the background and surprisingly a lot of people moving in and out of the factory. The old abandoned factory.
Trevor had begun his way toward it as well, but when I stood still, fiddling with the fists of the large hoodie, Connor gestured towards the building in his spot by the passenger's door. "Let's go."
"In there?" I shifted, wrapping my arms around myself, unease at the loud people and creepy vibes I was getting from it all. These were some illegal fights, I reminded myself. You knew that.
But my nerves seemed to amuse Connor, who turned his body so it was facing me and I was forced to tilt my head up to keep the eye contact, moonlight cascading down his features.
Unable to stop myself, I blushed; growing hot as I stood closer than I expected, seeing all these little details about him that had seemed to cloud my mind an hour ago when Brett almost kissed me. Why? What was it about Connor that was so absorbing? He didn't even seem to like me most of the time, and the times when my presence wasn't annoying was just that he seemed to learn to deal with it.
But then he defended me. With Noel. With Jade. He comforted me when I had a mental breakdown. And he hugged me.
More of those weird bubbles exploded in my chest, churning in a way that got me feeling unease and soft inside. I was so shocked by this whole new sentiment that I was barely aware he still was waiting for me to finally move. And my face heated all the more.
"What?" Connor asked bored when I met his gaze again, but I shook my head, making him more impatient. "Let's get in."
And at that I finally found my voice again: "B-but we can't go further. It clearly says 'No entry'." IÂ pointed the vandalized sign on the side of the building feeling stupid right away. None of the presents seemed to even care about it and here I was being chirpy.
Connor scoffed, on the verges of smiling, but he held that neutrality instead. "Live a little, will you?"
"Hey," I took the bait, my ego taking the stab and I forced my back straighter. "I do live. More than a little. A lot, actually."
"Prove it."
"I will." my eyes flew to the main entrance where the traffic of incomers was more intense. All people were much like Trevor and Connor, like those people at the wager-swaps. There was something in them and in the aloof vibes was unsettling. It made me feel out of place and vulnerable. And, again, these were the fights. However they were, they were probably dangerous. I took in a shaky breath. "J-just let me prepare myself."
I tugged the fists again in a nervous tick as I tried to force my ragged heart down. All my choices that brought me here were being replayed in my mind, wondering if they were indeed the right choices. And that seemed to make him pity me enough to encourage me softly.
"It's not as bad as you think." he shrugged, kicking something on the floor that rolled away and shifting the duffle bag on his shoulder. "Just, keep a low profile. Or you can stay here if you rather. This will be really quick."
Stay here? My neck tingles in shame and self-anger. Why was I being so childish about this? I thought the same about the wager-swaps and that turned out... not that bad. But this was more violent. And he said there were gangs involved. And it was dark and creepy, and-
"Alyson?"
"Low profile." I repeated, trying to convince myself more than him. I can do this.
Connor eyed me intensely, his eyes roaming everywhere and making my skin burn. My heart thundered when his hand rose to my hair, casually tucking a loose strand behind my ear and grazing my neck as his hand lowered... But this growing anticipation shattered as he took the hood and pushed it over my head.
"Keep your head down."
I pouted, adjusting the cloth as his gaze examined the lot; hating the swirling of heavy emotions in my chest. "Are you embarrassed of me?" he turned to meet my eyes, his brows twitching together barely a fraction. Yet the fact that he wasn't answering twirled the knife in my heart. "A-are you?"
"Shut up."
"But-"
He walked away the same path Trevor's made, done with this conversation.
I sighed and did the same, rushedly to catch up and fell into step with him. "Is this because I'm weak?"
"Shut up."
I didn't want to get hurt because I was pretty sure he wasn't meaning to be, just done with my prying. For some reason this had seemed to strike a nerve. Maybe I was close to the truth? He was ashamed? But then he wouldn't have invited me over to begin with.
I sealed my lips close, burying my hands on the huge hoodie's front pocket and trying to make myself smaller. It wasn't that difficult, I felt invisible as we crossed that old entrance and into the once-plant. It looked even more dilapidated here. The wall color was dirtied, torn and painted all over with words and marks, ovr and over untill they all were a mess. The first floor's ceiling was torn further inside, and for the loud voices there were people up as well. Most of the crowd was concentrated under it, gathering and cheering madly over the music, but those who weren't were scattered around in smaller groups, wasted or high. I shivered moving closer to Connor out of instinct as the smell of dirt, urine and something else hit my nostrils.
He, on the other hand, just seemed to carry himself in there as chill as if this was a walk in the park. Not for the first time, I wondered if he really was always so chill, or if he just master covering everything up. Either way, his attitude added to his large frame made him look quite scary as well, melting in that environment like nothing.
"Mendley." someone called and my gaze diverted to the side to Trevor and some other guy approaching. Aside from the one that had called for Connor, there were a couple more goonies behind them as they reached us and whether Trevor seemed ready to move past us and towards where we were originally headed, the guy spoke again. "I half expected you to back down."
True to his nature, Connor didn't verbally respond, irking more the guy whose eyes narrowed. I eyed him carefully, he had long dark hair pushed back in a man bun, leaving some messy strands, loose, framing his sharp features and accentuating his hooked nose. Dark ink tattooed his neck and disappeared under his collar. There something utterly menacing in the way he and Connor stare each other down. But something about this guy front approach make him more scary.
He tilted his head, his upper lip snarling in distaste. "You still can avoid the humiliation." he spat, obviously trying to provoke Connor, but my friend barely paid him attention, rolling his eyes as if he wasn't more than a bothering fly.
"Same, Zell."
That only seemed to add more fire to Zell's rage, making him step forward and I held my breath, eyes wide. "This can be really simple, you know. I'll let you keep the money if you back out before the next round. Nobody needs to get hurt over this." and I felt sick when he then seemed to notice my presence and those chilling small eyes lowered to mine. "Nobody."
Was that a threat? He did look terrifying. My heart skipped a beat when his eyes continued to bury into mine, curious, and his brows rose challengenly.
Someone cleared their throat and snapped me out my frightened trance to look to the side. Connor stood a couple feet away, with that cold, painful indifference, as if he was bored out of his mind. But his shoulders were tense and that only unsettled more the nerves in my guts.
Our eyes met briefly before he moved to glare at the guy once more. Snapped back to reality, I scooted closer, grabbing on his hand out of instinct and my chest eased when his fingers closed around mine as well, allowing me to feel a little safer. Yet his face remained stoic and unmoving from this Zell.
"Who's that?" he questioned, pointing at me and my stomach twisted. "Aren't you gonna introduce us?"
"You have it?" Connor snapped instead startling me with the harshness of his tone now. Have it?
"Not beating the dust, uh?" he shrugged, something off his pocket and held it up. A bill. My brows knitted together, getting flashbacks of the wager-swaps. "You?"
Connor as well take a bill out and a short brunette guy step between taking both of their money just as the crowd a little forward erupted in even louder cheers. He smiled, keeping the money. "Alright. Whenever you want, then."
Zell smirked at Connor, moving forward and so did the others. My pulse quickened as I clung involuntarily at his arm, adjusting the hood on my head. "What is going on?"
"You'll see." he pulled us after Trevor and towards where the crowd was thickest. It didn't escape me the fact that his hand was still in mine, and whether it make me feel safer -which was the whole purpose of this- it also got my heart racing.
As we moved further I saw that this crowd was gathering around a circle on the floor, made with tape, right under the part of the ceiling missing so the fight could be seen from either this story or the one above, like a bleacher.
Who I assumed where the previous participants were getting out the ring, one holdinghis stomach, his lip split and bloody, while the other was half being drag out, not even fully conscious. My stomach twitched again at the realization Connor was about to go through that.
"C-Connor." I tried, but it was too low with the loud music and people around. We reached the border of the circle and he let go of me, making a wave of vulnerability shook me from inside, but he was already with Trevor, unzipping his jumper and giving it at him with the duffle bag, standing there in his grey joggers and simple sleeveless T. It was tighter around his upper body than his usual baggy clothes and I found myself being spiked by those butterflies again. I cleared my throat. "Connor."
"Mhm?" he took a couple of leather ribbons from Trevor and I felt my eyes sliding across the ink in his exposed skin.
This was also the first time I get to glimpse Connor's tattoos. They cascades down his left collarbone and arm, but there were also smaller ones on his right arm. Mostly they were words. Words, sentences... some larger, some short, all across his skin with dark ink, but at the moment I wasn't able to decipher any -not like I had time.
"You say it wasn't as bad as I thought. And that," I gestured where the previous guys had left with a knot in my throat. "That looks pretty bad." Trevor chuckled, barely covering it with a cough but Connor didn't even blink.
"I'll be fine."
I furrowed my brows, about to argue some more, but Trevor intervened before I could. "Those are the big leagues, luv. We're more amateur."
"Don't call her that." protested again Connor, and much like in the car, that seemed to amuse the other guy.
I watched as the bleach blond took off his rings and hand them to me. Surprised, I took them, but he didn't seem fazed by it, already facing Trevor as they talked hushedly and took that thin ribbon, wrapping it around his knuckles. It took me completely aback the tingling bubbles that image spread from the pit of my stomach, making me feel at ease for some reason.
What the hell was wrong with me today? I had to tear my gaze, confused and flustered, and focused on the metal rings on my palm. They were getting cold now at the lost of his heat, heavy in my hand.
Unsure of what to do with them, I slid both the black ones on my thumb -but they were still a little loose, and the silver one of his pinky on my annular finger. Cute. I love this kind of rings, but never got to see one that would actually fit me and be available for my specific monetary situation. I didn't want to spend too much on unnecessary things, but the ones that were actually worth it were beyond my budget.
"What are you doing?" Connor's voice made me look up to see him looking me with that stoicism of his.
I show him my hand and his brows perked, twitching all the more this knot behind my ribcage. "What do you think? I love them, like, really. Can I keep them?"
"I happen to like them too."
I guess that also makes sense, I thought to myself, disappointed as I watched the entrenched way in which Trevor tightened the ribbon on Connor hand and wrist. So it was like a knuckle wrap. Because he's gonna be delivering punches very soon, and if I remember correctly how it bruised him when he fought Noel, I guess this was some kind of protection.
I glanced around as they rushed through more tips on the fights, like how to hit, where, how to keep balance... I was pretty sure Connor knew all those things, but he kept nodding as Trevor listed it so I guessed it was helpful to be reminded. Maybe he was nervous? People were starting to claim for more, and the short guy that'd taken their money was announcing next match, encouraging people to put their money on who they thought would do best.
"Hey." I almost jumped out of my skin as Connor now stood beside me, flexing his arms with his eyes set on Zell at the other end of the gap. "You see the line?" I followed his direction and noticed once more the yellow tape drawing a circle in the middle of that mad crowd. I nodded. "You stay the fuck away from it." I nodded again, startled by the sudden curse but it wasn't enough. Connor took my arm and made me look at him. "I mean it."
"It's okay, Mendley. I got her." reassured Trevor but Connor remained waring, eying me one last time before stepping into the circle and people went mad around. I shifted closer to Trevor, pushed by the crowd that seemed to want to inch closer. "Easy." he tugged me on the spot by a column. One of the last solid structures in here and somehow it provided some shelter from the excited people that kept pushing.
I smiled at him adjusting the hood once more. If I was cold before, now it felt like an oven with all this human heat concentrated in one spot. And the worry and this something else I'd been feeling all night might help too -especially since Connor's taken off his jumper. I didn't seem to be able to look away. He tent to hide it in baggy clothes, but turns out he did have a toned body behind all that. Tall, but not langy even if he was tall. His arms were toned, not bulky, but with well defined muscles, his shoulders and chest and then his stomach lined dipped, making that V shape I'd seen in the models of Norah's magazines.
I couldn't believe I was just noticing this now, but he was hot. And that made me blush and fluttered more.
"Drooling already?" teased Trevor as the short guy made the presentations of both Connor and Zell and they shook hands promising to play fair.
"W-what? No." I choked, but Trevor wasn't even looking at me anymore, but before us.
"Whatever, come here." again, I was pulled closer and just in time to dodge a push. "They get pretty excited."
"Oh, I see." I quickly glanced around before settling my eyes back on the circle as they called last shots in bets. "Aren't you gonna bet?" I found myself wondering, seeing as this was the main attraction of all this, but Trevor shook his head.
"Not a fan of leaving my money's fate to luck."
Oh, I guess I could relate to that. The only reason I did bet on that park was because that girl baited me into it. Other than that, every penny I own was carefully put into use or saved. Not in vain, I wasn't the richest. I was in fact quite limited in that area, and each extra I got went straight to my college funds.
I wasn't even surprised when I saw the same pixie girl from the wager-swaps, the one that provoked me into putting my money, as one of the ones collecting peoples bets. I wasn't even surprised. My eyes moved from her and found Connors, making my heart somersault as he was already looking in this direction. Nervously, I set him a little grin and a thumbs up and in return he rolled his eyes and turned to Zell as the short guy exited the ring.
"Look," Trevor spoke again, not even looking at me. "Things are about to go down. If you can't handle blood, then I suggest you just turn around."
My stomach twitched awfully. "Blood-" but I couldn't even finish the word when Zell threw the first punch square to Connor's face and the crowd roared deafeningly so I couldn't even hear my own thoughts.
Luckily he'd moved quick enough to block it and pushed, but Zell was on him in a second, trying a new angle and this time he got his jaw making him retreat a step. I gasped, horrified, and bring my hands to my mouth as Zell strikes yet again, only this time Connor was prepared blocked him easily. I watched, frozen, how he pushed back getting Zell of him enough to strike back and so they went on violently.
I wanted to look away, I wanted to close my eyes and pretend this wasn't just unfolding before me, but instead I found that I couldn't tear my eyes from them, half relieved Connor was now taking the upper hand and pushed Zell to the ground.
"Easy." I was tugged backwards and only then I realized I stupidly went to move forward. Trevor barely gave me a look, but keep his grip on my shoulder to prevent me from further foolish attempts. I flinched as Zell shifted places and rolled to the side so he straddled Connor's waist and the crowd became wild at this delivering.
I'm gonna get sick.
"Y-you said they were amateurs."
"They are." he nodded just as Zell pass Connor's block and got him in the face, making it hit the ground. As he withdrew for another blow I finally found the will to close my eyes, forbidding me from another shot of it. I could feel my breaths shallowed and the pressure in my chest increase. "Don't worry, he got it under control."
Under control? Didn't look like it from where I'm standing. Even with my vision gone, I felt the room spinning and this awful feeling in my stomach kicked again.
Minutes passed, maybe one, maybe ten, time became a weird thing when you're under a certain amount of stress. There were more dramatic reactions from the public, and even knowing I would probably get sick at the sight, I dared to sneak a peak and felt eased when I found was Connor on top now, dominating the fight and barely noticing the bleeding lip. He punched Zell one last time, making his head crashed against the ground with a disgusting crack and the boy stopped moving, limp on the floor as Connor breathed rapidly.
As he lay there, unmoving, Connor ceased his attack despites the crowd's bloodlust, and that win my heart a tad more. One second passed, then two, three, ten, and finally the short man came back to the ring.
"Looks like we have a winer. Mendley!" he handed Connor a bunch of bills as public roared and Connor finally stood, wiping his face with the back of his hand and slowly making his way here. Thank God.
Everything in me clenched and ached the moment he begin limping this way, received both cheers and hollers from the crowd as everyone collected their gains. I wanted to hug him. To put my arms around him and make sure he didn't step on something like that ever again, but luckily I got enough common sense not to do that.
Well, until he stepped out the circle and before us. My arms were circling him before even giving the order, and whether a part of me felt the relieved at the solid feeling of his body, another certainly felt apprehensive and shaky. Especially when he didn't return the hug and stiffened.
"I-I thought, and you were, and then he-" I became more and more self-conscious of my own nervousness as I failed to even compose a proper sentence.
"I'm fine." were Connor's void, reassuring words. He tugged my hood so it fell to almost my eyes and then pulled me to follow him and Trevor as the last lead the way pass the crowd. His limping wasn't as bad now and as we squeezed our way out, some people take the chance to congratulate him and patted his shoulder. It was easier to concentrate on the feeling of his hand on mine once more, but as I blinked and held my head down like he'd instructed me I found in me the sudden urge to cry.
Why would he do that for? That seemed painful, and stressful, and a lot more savage than what they wanted me to believe. I was glad we'd only stayed for so long, I didn't think I would be able to put up and stay there and watch more fights. What were those people? Sadists?
"What would you do that for?" I voiced as soon as we stepped back out the suffocating factory and into that polygonal street. The groups here weren't as crazy crowded like in there and there was a more chill-partying halo than the madness inside. "Connor." I insisted finding my voice stronger out here as we approached Trevor's Dodge Challenger.
"Ain't so bad, is it?"
Really? So this was for me to see it wasn't such a big deal, uh? So I would stop pestering him about it? It didn't really eased my nerves. Not at all.
But before I could even begin to fulfill him with my indignation about it, Trevor reached the trunk of his car and pulled it open, taking out what looked like a first aid kit. "Do I need to patch anything up?"
"No."
"No?" I repeated, bewildered. He was limping, had blood on his upper lip and a cut on his brow. And he didn't need anything patched up?
"No." and let go of me as soon as we stood by Trevor while he adjusted everything in the trunk, taking his jumper back from him, slidding it on. I immediately missed that stupid touch and folded my arms, trying to conceal the feeling of grief. "Here," Connor spoke again fumbling with the impressive amount of bills he just received and taking a few ones to toss at Trevor who caught them easily. "Now we're even."
My brows knitted. "So this is how you know each other. You were in debt?"
Connor shrugged, but Trevor placed a hand over his heart. "Ouch man, I thought we were friends?" he shrugged again. A man of many words, you see. "Whatever, why don't you let me take a look at those, uh?"
"I'm fine."
Connor struggled with the strand tightly tied around his fist, trying to loosen it. I held out my hand out of instinct, my heart stopping when I realized my own move and his eyes fell on it as Trevor began talking again. For a horrible moment I thought he was going to ignore me, but instead he complied placing his hand over mine as he listened to his 'friend'.
I gently tugged it closer, undoing the ribbon and my stomach dipped at the sight of his raw knuckles under it. They were red and purple at some parts. That must hurt, but he made no sign of suffering as I carefully unwrapped the black leather around them. When I finished, he wordlessly held out his other hand, all while listening carefully Trevor's comments and tips, mixed with his dry humor.
As much as Connor remarked he didn't have friends, now I wondered how true that was. He had this whole life with the wager-swaps, Trevor seemed a lot closer than someone with whom you're no friends with... but well, if he played down everything like what he's been doing with me, it shouldn't have been such a surprise.
"You really should let me watch that for you." muttered Trevor, eying the cut over his brow. It wasn't that big but enough to drag some blood and made my heart hurt.
"Nah."
"Connor-" but before I could even finish his name he was walking away. "Hey! Where are you going now?" but of course he didn't speak, he waved dismissibly and walked to another group by the corner. What the hell?
"Don't worry, he's just getting himself a fix."
"Excuse me?"
"Some drink? Beer? Vodka? I don't know. Whatever Mike had brought tonight."
And why couldn't he just tell me that? I fisted my hands struggling to conceal the roaming in my guts. Why invite me here at all if he was going to act like I was a burden all the time? I didn't get it. If he did it to show how innocent this was, he failed; but I couldn't bring myself to believe it was because he enjoyed me there when he acted like that.
I knew his ways weren't always the nicest, but it felt as if the advances we made didn't apply here. He'd been distant and colder than usual. And that was saying a lot. But maybe I was too emotional because I was so out of my element. Because I already was shaken by these afternoon's events and this was like another nail to my weird feelings.
Maybe I was a little more sensitive because I was struggling to understand what was this whatever that I seemed to feel whenever Connor was around, something that was clearly apart from the friendship, and he just seemed to be more distant than ever making me feel insecure and ridiculous.
And extremely exposed and vulnerable.
So instead of watching his back like a moron, I turned and tried with all my might that the burning of my eyes wasn't noticeable.
"Don't get upset," started Trevor. "He's a cold bitch with everyone."
I inhaled a deep breath composing myself before turning to Trevor once more. "How long have you known him?"
"Uh, a couple months, maybe?"
I almost scoffed, but that wouldn't have been nice on my part so I just rose one shoulder forcing a grin. "That's not really a long time to tell, is it?"
"Belive me, it's enough. I'd never seen him acting like that before."
"Like that?" I repeat curiously. He meant this cold? Uninterested? Could it be that there was somewhere where Connor shown more emotions than usual and today was being like this because I happened to be here?
But the look he gave me was like it was the most obvious thing. "He's protective over you. Jealous."
What?! I blushed hard at that, straightening my back and stealing a glance around, afraid Connor might hear such a bold accusation. Jealous. What would he do if he did hear? He might be even colder. But he was too far and busy to even be aware of our words. But almost as if sensing my gaze, he looked over here from the guys on the corner and I quickly wiped my head around seeing Trevor's smug smirk. My face burned.
"He's not." I whispered with my heart up my throat.
"Wanna bet on that?" teased Trevor, his eyes somewhere beyond me before focusing back on me with a slow smirk, dropping his arm over my shoulders and I immediately tensed, unprepared for the contact and not sure I was comfortable. "Eight seconds."
"Uh?" I squirmed, but he didn't get the memo.
"Count them." Count what? The eight seconds? I shrugged my shoulders again, but he still held his arm there. What the hell? So far I kinda liked him and now... I could feel my anxiety kicking.
"I-I don't think-"
"Here it comes."
"What do you mean-" I didn't even get to finish when a new presence on my side pushed that bold arm off me. Thank God!
"Here." Connor was there, pushing a beer to Trevor's chest, a bit too forceful and that make him step away. Yet, Trevor didn't look bothered by his aggressiveness but amused. Because Connor just unknowingly proved him right. He was protective. And I fluttered at that.
And the damn hood was only making me feel more claustrophobic in my own skin.
"Can I take it off now?" I stuttered, but he didn't even glance at me, his eyes on Trevor, like a dare, and popped open his own bottle.
Yet instead of some relief I received a simple: "No."
Just 'no'. No further explanation, nor anything. Just 'no' as if that was all I needed to know and would just comply. It was hurtful and frustrating, to be honest.
Trevor didn't get affected by his stare down, instead he tilted his head. "Come on, are going to make her wear that all night?"
"None of your business. It stays."
Now he was being unreasonable. "Connor." I went to put the hood down, but he quickly stopped me. I huffed. "We're out already!" Despites having proved to be protective, he was acting like a real jerk and I hated it. This frustration brought more sting to my eyes so I blinked quickly. "Why are you like this?"
It came out more trembling than I intended and that successfully make a sparkle of emotion shone in his dark eyes as he finally look at me. "It's safer. I don't want them to connect you with me outside this."
For my safety. My heart lurked, but I forced my frown to remain as impassive as I could.
"Then why would you ask me to come at all?"
That was the big question, wasn't it?
If it was so dangerous that I better not be associated with him, then it couldn't be because he wanted me to see it wasn't as bad as my imagination was playing it to be. I was loosing my mind here, trying to read someone who encrypted every one of his actions. Couldn't he be clear and straight to the point for once?
Apparently not, since his brows twitched before looking away and bringing his bottle to his lips, taking a careful sip avoiding the cut on his lip.
Again, there was no answer for me.
Instead, he asked on his own: "What's your curfew?"
"Oh," completely taken aback, but the change of topic I needed a second to find the right information in my mind, glancing around as if to gain time and then realizing Trevor had made his way to another one of the groups out here. "I don't actually have one..." that earned me a perked brow and I shifted in my spot. "Granny thinks I'm staying at Macy's. And I was supposed to, but she texted little after you saying Norah's staying as well and I really don't want to be the third wheel like that." I grimaced, once more torn between how happy I was for them and the little shards of worry thinking how this relationship would affect our friendship dynamic. I was unconsciously twitching the fists of the large hoodie as I overthink. "I guess I'll have to sneak in. It shouldn't be a problem, but... I don't usually have to?" I laughed nervously tugging the sleeves. "And it's too late to call her so I hope I can get in without waking her up."
He shrugged. "My parents aren't home and Nors is gone too, apparently. So you can stay."
My jaw loosened. What? Now he was inviting me to a sleepover? He was jumping from one side to the other and his neutral face wasn't helping me at all. Should I accept? The other was was this awkward sneaking in my own place. But so what? If I go and he still acted cold? Jerk-ish? Yet somehow I found myself muttering. "Thanks."
Thanks? Really? Well, worst case scenario I can lock myself in Norah's room. Because we'd be alone in his place... oh damn. We'd be alone! I blushed and looked down, suppressing a shudder of anticipation, a greedy feeling nestling in my stomach.
Calm down. Honestly, what is wrong with me?
"Cool."
And of course, his only response would be 'cool'. There was nothing exciting about me spending the night there from his side. This feeling was clearly one-sided. Completely unrequired and was eating me alive, making me a mess.
I cleared my throat. "So, are you really not going to get those cuts checked?" Connor shrugged one shoulder. With a sigh, I fished in my purse I'd kept close to me under his hoodie. "Can you at least clean the blood?" I hand him a tissue and after a second of contemplation he took it.
He grimaced lightly when bringing it to his lip and then his brow, but missing a lot of it. I watched him a couple more seconds before deciding I wasn't done pursuing tonight and took it from him, meeting his eyes briefly before he nodded and allowed me to take care of it. My skin buzzed in tension and anticipations as I gently wiped the cut clean.
I only allowed myself to breath again when I pulled away and wasn't anymore assaulted by this familiar citric scent mixed with smoke and his body heat. Now he too smelled iron-bloody and that was nerve-wracking. Our eyes met again and a wave of chills ran down my spine. I was almost dizzy when his lip tugged lightly.
"See? Not that bad."
Was he serious? I raised the tissue, dirty and half-red now. Unbothered, Connor rose the wad of bills and I scoffed, humoring him.
Glad someone was finding this amusing, I was still creeped out and that bruised lip was giving me stomach cramps.
"Does it hurts?" he shrugged, lifting the bottle to have a go, but flinched when the liquid made contact with the cut, lowering it with a hiss. "Come on, let me see."
"I'm fine." he dodged my attempt easily and this time down some of the beverage.
"Connor."
"Mhm." instead of listening, he eyed me intensely while taking another sip, almost as if challenging me. Then his head tilted. "You're wearing make up."
I froze, not sure if I was heating or paling, but my brained buzzed like I'd been busted, just then remembering about Macy's lessons this afternoon. I looked away, self-conscious. "Just a little. No big deal." I didn't know why I had the sudden urge to justify myself. Maybe because I kinda looked like I prettied myself for him, when in reality I didn't even know I was coming until minutes before when he texted me. "I was with M and she wanted me to try it on." he hummed, having another go and my stomach dipped at his concealed smirk. He wasn't believing me. "It's true. We were trying stuff. You know she and Norah had this big date today. I was over to help her and somehow ended up playing a part in it. I hadn't even thought about it until now. I was so busy and then Brett gave me some news-"
And just like that if was as if someone switched a button and he shut down. Any trace of the playfulness slowly built, gone. "So it was for Ryder."
"No! I just-"
"Whatever." he drank some more. "What news did he have?"
I narrowed my gaze, this close to stomping my foot in frustration at his sudden attitude. "This wasn't for Brett. I told you, Macy and I try it on. It's a girl thing." but he hummed again and I looked away my lips pressed in a thin line. I don't want this night to turn into a bad one. I was having a good time, the day had been good. Why did he have to turn it around over Brett. I knew he didn't like him, but come on. "And these news were actually about USC." I explained in a calm tone, holding on the good mood that filled me with such an announcement. If Connor wanted to be a jerk and drown it down I wouldn't be sinking with. "I got a new chance for the scholarship and a course."
"Do you now?" to my relief his voice sounded softer now as well, and I looked at him once more. A grin spread on my face, unable to be cold about it no matter what.
"They'll be her in a couple week to analyze my project. I just need some good work."
"About what?"
"I don't know... Usually when I helped Loui in the studio he works with models. Or landscapes, but there aren't much in here so I better chose someone and see what I can do. I was thinking about Dylan, or Drew... if they're not to busy maybe we could schedule something."
"So it was just business."
"Uh?"
"You with Ryder today."
Jealous. There it was Trevor's voice again, making me feel hot and bothered as I met Connor's inquiring eyes.
Could it be? That he was jealous? But why would he? Today he was barely tolerating me, me meeting Brett would mean nothing to him.
"Look, I know you don't like him." I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, hoping I wasn't as blushed as I felt. Maybe the hood wasn't such a bad idea. "But we... we have a long history. We were best friends for the longest time, our families were tied too and... and now-"
"You're still into him."
I almost choked. How did he even knew about my feelings for Brett? Well, my past feelings. I knew I wasn't the most skilled concealing it back then, but Connor was new.
"No! I-I don't like him. N-not anymore. Why would you say that? Things had twisted among us, y-you know that. And even i-if things seem to be somehow coming back to its tracks this feels... different." again, why was I giving so many explanations? I didn't know, but my mouth kept running. "I don't get that tingle anymore, you know? Well, I do, but it's different. It's so confusing."
Connor hummed, surprising me that he now was so willing to contribute to the conversation. "Why?"
"Things are just too messy between us to contemplate anything like that anymore. I don't think I'll be able to see him like that again, I put him on a pedestal so high... I never even wondered how he ended up there, but now..." I grimaced, it hurt to talk about it out loud for the first time. Like making it more real.
Loving Brett had always been a dead end, but after his move in his room, I feel like someone had pulled the rug from under my feet and I was feeling weird. I was always so into how perfect it would be for him to like me back that I never wondered what I would feel. But I was sure it wasn't at all like what I'd felt in that second when he leaned.
"I can tell you he thinks otherwise." Connor grumbled, letting the empty beer bottle on the trunk and closed it with a solid thud.
I shook my head, in a daze. "I don't know... He almost kissed me today." I didn't know what possessed me to say that. It just came out in this fragile halo we had built, so low, almost as if speaking louder would break the spell. His eyes snapped up and met mine. Dark pools of concealed emotions. Staring hard into mine. "B-before you texted me back."
"He almost kissed you." he repeated and stepped forward, standing before me and his eyes fell to my lips, making them tingle in anticipation. My palms unconsciously pressed against the trunk's hood behind me, its coldness contrasting the flue of heat I was suddenly suffering.
"Yes."
He hummed, his gaze darting between my eyes and my mouth and I was feeling like a volcano had erupted in my guts. His own hands came to casually rest beside mine and making him lean gently so his breath collided alluringly with my lips and I could practically feel his against them. So close, so maddening. I bubbled in my own skin and instinctively straightened my spine.
"But he didn't."
"No."
"Good."Â my lids were about to drop and let it be whatever it may when he tilted his head and instead I felt his mouth ghosting my forehead, barely a brush that sent electric sparks under my skin. "You deserve better."
Better? I blinked, confused as he pulled away and moved to Trevor, leaving me a fluffy bubbly mess of unreleased tension and confusion. Brett Ryder, the guy everyone either wanted to be or wanted to be with... and I deserved better?
That was ridiculous for two reasons: one, there wasn't better than that; and two, I could never aspire to such big leagues, let alone 'better'.
"Are you ready?" I snapped back to the present at Connor's voice and saw him practically dragging Trevor -well, more like they were keeping each other up. I frowned, lost, and Connor rolled his eyes, throwing me an unfamiliar set of keys. "You're driving."
Trevor groaned a complaint but was drowned in his drowsiness and I turned to look at the pretty Dodge Challenger. Well, being the sober friend did have its perks.
********************
QUESTION: Any New Year's resolution?
BTW, am I the only one that's seen Dear Evan Hansen and cried like a baby for that Connor? Damn, that movie is raw. If you haven't seen it already and you don't mind some emotional roller coaster and musicals, I don't know what you're waiting for. I'm not quite fond of the main character, but you really enjoy the ride :)
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