I stopped by the railing, lifting the camera to my eyes and fiddling with the lent until I found the right light as it slid over the flowering trees of the park . I snapped a couple shots, but still wasn't satisfied.
Now it was the weekend again, and as time passes the date where USC would allow me a trial for the a scholarship neared too and I was running out of time. I needed to step up my game or I would lose this chance too. Sighing to myself, I walked slowly to the spot of grass where Connor was boringly lying, his back on the ground and his eyes on the blue sky. There was a cigarette hanging on his lips and the hand that wasn't holding it was lazily tangled over his stomach and the shirt was wrinkled under it, rolling a bit so there was a line of bare skin between its hem and the fabric of his grey joggers.
Spring was finally showing off, and since the weather was warmer he had taken off his usual black hoodie and had it spread like a blanket under him, the bright sunlight cascading on his frame create beautiful shadows. I couldn't resist the urge and snapped a few shots of his as well before covering the final gap and sitting cross-legged.
It was really hard not to keep my eyes on him when he was this... relaxed. It was so un-Connor I was still getting used to this new dynamic.
Ever since this past Monday he'd been walking me home, we've barely seen each other in school but after the kiss and confession (kind-of-confession on his part) what before was just hanging out randomly turned into something more prevalent. He would walk me home and then we would either go skating, or hang out or he would leave for 'stuff' and then I would keep up my homework.
On Friday he even stayed around while I work, Granny wasn't home and so we went to my room. He heard me babble as I prepared my stuff, getting ready to finish the essay we had due to next Monday and tell him to make himself home. At first he just laid however, sprawled on my bed, hearing me and then scrolling through his phone while tuning everything else off. He could do that anywhere, but there was something emotionally touching that he decided to 'do nothing' with me. As if, we didn't really need to talk, just keep company as each other mind their own business.
What was even more heart shuddering, was that at some point he fell asleep as I worked, taking a nap of which he was embarrassed after, but it was cute to watch. He then briefly met Granny when he was leaving just as she arrived, and to my surprise, despise his closed off personality and the practically monologue they exchange, she liked him.
But the same question that's been on my mind ever since Monday remained: What does this new deal made us?
I didn't even know if he'd had other girls before, judging by how detached and independent he was, almost repulse by people -as he himself had admitted. What I kinda could guess was that I wasn't the first, seeing he seemed to know what he was doing when we kissed. Which we'd done a couple more times since then; but what shocked me was that whether he seemed to know what to do, at the same time he acted playful, testing, as if trying a new toy he didn't really knew how it worked.
Was he inexperienced like me, learning along the way; or had he done all this before and what was new was me?
It was hard to tell, seeing he barely allowed some kind of light inside him and my mind couldn't stop going over what Norah's said: that he'd been hurt before.
Maybe some ex-girlfriend? Something entirely different? There was no answer to that either.
I shook those thoughts off, focusing on the gleeful air and the birds chirping somewhere around.
"Are you bored yet?" I wondered to which he just hummed, still staring up at the sky as he let out a slow puff. "I'm so sorry, we can go somewhere else if you rather. I just thought the park would help me get inspiration..."
"And did it?"
"Well, kinda." I glanced around.
We were on one of the largest parks of the city, instead of the known from Northtown. Surprisingly, when I texted him last night and told him I was staying after the work at the Studio he just easily agreed and said he'll come with. And it churned something in my guts. It was probably the first time -beside when he kiss me in my locker or when he stayed on Friday- that he actually went out his way to hang out. Other than that it was just walking me home or me hanging with whatever plan he had. This felt nice. It felt like he actually wanted to be around and not just went along with it.
"Everything is more beautiful out here, I guess." I shrugged.
"That cloud's shape like weed."
I laughed, completely unprepared by his snap and looked up, not really seeing what he mean. "How do you do that? Do you need something messed up to function or what?"
My eyes found him once more in time to see the corner of his mouth twitching lightly in a content smirk, but didn't respond. Instead, he pushed himself into a sitting position so he was facing the trees, I was facing the fence and as he bent his legs to rest his arms on his knees we were so close that his elbow brushed my arm, spreading warmth from that graze like wildfire. It was ridiculous how he could snatch such a reaction with his simple presence.
"So?" he asked, suddenly snapping me out my stupid trance.
"So?" I repeated and that glint of humor flickered in his eyes, realizing the power he had over me and making me blush for the same reason.
"You've taken the pics?"
"Oh." I nodded, hoping I wasn't looking as stupid as I felt and fiddled with the camera in my hands. "I took several, but I can't be quite sure. I want something... grand?"
I half expected him to laugh -well, chuckle Connor-style, but he tilted his head and kept his eyes on mine making me feel all kinds of things under my skin I couldn't quite name. My head was almost spinning in this thick sudden tension, and after a few seconds a tiny, little smile did curve his lips.
"How good are you?"
"Not by far as good I'd want to. Or as I should." I confessed sheepishly. "But I've taken a couple courses, and the Studio work had helped me a lot. I've improved a lot in the past couple years. Now there is a subtext. There is a story and a certain composition... not just what it seems to fit you know?" I sighed, tucking a dark stray strand behind my ear, stressing just thinking about the upcoming trial. "It would help to know what they want, tho."
"What does the bases say?"
"Very little. But I searched the judges and past works. They valued a lot the perspective and including different elements. So that's why I thought about something outside."
Connor hummed, his fingers distractedly fiddling with the end of my hair cascading down my shoulder as his other brought his cigarette to his lips, taking another drag. I buzzed, a part of me aware of his overwhelming presence, close enough to touch, the other part actually aching for him to touch me and stop this anxiously built tension.
"Sounds like a lot of work." he said then, completely impassive as if I was the only one feeling this heat. Maybe I was.
So, of course, I babbled to cover it. "For someone who actually likes photography you act like it's all easy. There's a lot of work behind it, specially on the ones you like. All those posters and stuff... not exactly easy or quick work."
"Then?" again, I felt like an idiot as he managed to erase my mind process with a few syllables. It was ridiculous, but I was new to all this. I was new to feeling this and to actually have some -kind of- positive reaction back. And his fingers now brushing off my hair and pressing against the patter of my shirt's sleeve was certainly distracting. They burned my skin even through the fabric and I had to push back a shudder.
"Uh?"
"Why do you like it?"
Good question. "People changes for the camera." I shrugged as he frowned, tracing up my arm and collarbone and this time I could help the shivers. Goosebumps peeked from the collar of my shirt and for the glint in his dark orbs, he noticed. My mouth felt dry, but I willed myself to keep going: "I mean, when you tell someone to pose, they show you the you they want to project, you know? That why I like better the stolen pics. They felt a lot more real and its almost..." I stopped, feeling stupid, at the sudden silence he lifted his eyes, meeting mine.
"What?" I shook my head, feeling the hot graze of his fingers that had stilted on the base of my neck.
"It sounds crazy."
"What?" I shook my head harder but had to close my eyes when his hand slid softly across my skin, curling possessively at the back of my neck and leaning and bringing us closer. I was pretty sure he could feel the mad beating of my heart, feel my pulse through his hold. I could feel his breath against my lips; mint, smoke and citric. "Just tell me."
I was melting just in his presence, not even fully remembering to feel self-conscious when he asked it like that. "It's, like, capturing a part of the person's soul, you know?" I blushed, nerves churning in my stomach when he didn't say anything. "W-well, I know it sounds weird, but I'm not the only one. There are cultures that hates pic and portraits precisely because they think it captures someone's soul. But it's not a spiritual thing. I mean it more, like, in the moment. You catch a moment and store it on a paper. Or in a computer."
"It actually makes sense."
I breathed again, nor realizing I was so freaked about him giving me up for a fool until he said that. My eyes opened, blinking slowly as I wasn't even aware I had kept them close, and focused on his dark ones, like two bottomless well of mystery and secrets. "Yeah?" he nodded and I grinned, the unease in my chest easing. I wasn't so weird after all. Or at least he didn't think so. "Thanks."
Connor seemed taken aback at first, but then shrugged and sent me the tiniest smile back, making my heart skirted.
I couldn't help myself. I lifted the camera. "Pic." and snap a pic. Looking down at the captured image, loving the unusual softness in his eyes, the lights playing in his hair and cheekbones, and he was actually framed by the beautiful pattern of the fence and nature lacing with it. "You see? Just what I was saying." I turned the camera so he could see it too. "Captured the moment." I grinned. "Now I have proves you actually know how to smile."
Connor rolled his eyes, taking out a lighter from his pocket and let go of his -still- hold on me to cupped the end of his cigarette and lit it once more. I watched him mesmerized, my mind going a million miles per hour, already sensitive that he built up all the bubble around us and then left me hanging. He did that a lot, I've noticed, almost as if he enjoyed the game of anticipation, but didn't as much the culmination of it.
I watched the light grey smoke slid pass his lips like liquid before he blow the rest.
"Can I try?"
I got no clue where those words came from, they took us both by surprise, but it was worth it just for the flicker in his eyes, like surprise, curiosity and amazement. I put that there. And I was actually intrigued, why deny it?
I almost expect him to deny it, but Connor shrugged, taking one more drag before shifting to his side and moving his leg so instead of sitting sideways looking the opposite ways, his body faced mine and I was between the V his legs formed. Like last Monday on the hallway, only now it felt a lot different.
"Come on." he gestured for me to get closer and, trying not to make obvious the mad fluttering of my chest, I shifted so I was facing him as well; sitting between his calves; but he gave me a pointed look and my heart pounded harsher.
Closer?
I must be out of my mind, but I hid the camera under the bag by our side and slid closer. I could feel his breath hitching as I carefully moved my feet over his legs so the laid on the grass behind him and my legs bend lightly over his, leaving me seated right before him, hyperaware of his solid presence.
So close we were breathing the same air.
So close he used my knees as arm resters instead of his.
So closer I felt like a buzzing mess as he tilted his head and hang the hand with which he lazily held the cigarette between us.
I hesitated, eying him carefully before slowly leaning it and taking the cigarette lightly between my lips. I inhaled, immediately feeling my throat itching and close when the foreign sensation of a wave of smoke made its way down to my lungs. I coughed, and he smirked lightly.
"Cute."
"Hey, hold... hold on." I took his wrist when he went to pull it away. "Tell me how."
That seemed to amuse him; but in an endearing manner as he shifted, allowing my hold on his hand strenghtened and his eyes sparkles in a ways that churned my guts. "Breathe in softly, small intake."
I nodded, bringing it closer once more and feeling my insides beamed in a weird excitement as he watched intently my lips closing around the cigarette once more; his eyes getting darker as I went for a timid, slow intake.
This time I felt it moving down to my lungs, uncomfortably, but not as much anymore, and almost as if dragged in as well, he Connor leaned closer. He moved his hand, so his thumb pressed my lips and thousands of shudders spread under my skin.
"Hold it," he commanded and I did, feeling it burn almost pleasantly in my chest. This thumb grazed my lower lip, keeping his eyes there for a hot second before moving up to mine once more. "Now let it go, slowly."
I did. And just as I did he leaned barely brushing our noses as he breathed on it too and I taunted with a new glee and anticipation. I could feel my stomach twitching, the hot print of his hand that'd casually rested on my thigh and my lips burned.
Kiss me, kiss me... why doesn't he kiss me yet?
"So?" Connor tilted his head and almost brushing our lips. Almost. But he didn't. Driving me crazy.
"So?" I felt his smirk when I unconsciously mimicked the move but still did nothing.
How was this possible? A week ago I was having my first kiss, and now? Now it was like I craved it, feeling my insides churned the more he stretched his taunt. And he was so close...
He was about to say something else but it was like some part of me I didn't willingly acknowledge decided it had enough, I pressed my lips to his as he parted them to speak.
For the first heartbeats I was in control, carefully bringing my hands up to cup his sharp jaw and molding my lips against his. I was half terrified he would push me away and shut down, but instead I tried to focus on the desire within me. Luckily, I had nothing to worry about.
After the first moment of shock, Connor recovered vigorously. I was barely aware of him putting out the remaining of the cigarette on the now empty ice-cream cone I'd had half an hour ago and focused solely on how good it felt him sliding his hands down the curb of my back. His head dipped, demanding control on the kiss and taking over. A little moan escaped me against my will when he sucked into my bottom lip and jolts of electricity traveled all the way down my spine.
Spike at that, his hands glided down and hooked on the hollow of my back, hosting me so I was practically on him and I felt the firm pressure of his thighs against he back of my upper legs and my ankles crossed behind him. My finger tangled easily through his long strands of bleached blond hair, softer than it seemed, and he groaned lightly; proving he liked it as much as I did.
I could taste the same smoke that had filled my lugs moments ago in his mouth, only more addictive from his lips as they pry mine open and the kiss deepened. It was amazing this almost unbearable feeling that made my skin glow and my lungs bloated. I could feel my insides igniting and curling downwards with the movement of his hands across my back, keeping me close but not going further than what we've already established.
There it was again, this blissful mix of his demanding rhythm and the playfulness as he mixed it with lighter kisses, going from intense to taunting in a matter of seconds and stealing more and more of my sanity. It was hard keeping up with him, but I loved the rush.
"You know," he barely whispered, peppering butterfly kisses down my neck and my breath hitched at the new incredible sensation. Unable to think enough to connect my mind with my mouth I was left to hum in acknowledgement and felt his smirk against my skin. "I think I kinda like that you're so innocent, but so willing to let me ruin you."
Even through the roaring in my ears that statement both turn me on and unsettle me. "You can't ruin me."
"I can." I shuddered as he sucked on a specially sensitive spot over my choker, making it sting the pleasure verging the pain before his tongue soothe its sting. "And I got the feeling you would let me."
He's been hurt, Norah's voice came back and a bitter stirred under all the glee. Could someone so unyielding as Connor be hurt? That seemed impossible, but I knew better that to trust my instincts. Someone doesn't become so cold out of nothing, do they?
Ruin me. How could he ruin me? If anything, I felt more powerful whenever I'm with him. Well, more like I felt safe, with enough support to be brave because I knew he would have my back. And he had, in his own rude, detached unconventional way, he'd had my back almost since they moved here months ago.
Another shameful low moan was snatched from the back of my throat when his mouth detached from the new mark he's made and his hot air over it spread goosebumps and jolts of electricity.
"I've already got you smoking." there was that smirk on his lips as I blushed, melting at his raspy tone. "Which was hot."
Was it? I'd never thought I got the ability to make anything 'hot', but from the way his pupils dilated and how he'd kissed me I was bound to believe that he must be speaking the truth? I let my fingertips brushed across one of the words tattooed across his forearm. Poison. There were a lot more across his skin. Black ink, different sizes, different typography and different directions. Like a maze.
I traced the letter of that word, wondering if it all had a deeper meaning and muttered, remembering his words the last time I slept over at his: "I thought you like that I was strong willed with my convictions."
"Are you against smoking?"
"Not really..." Unlike alcohol, I wasn't exactly 'against it'. I shook my head lightly, not wanting to lose the light touch of his knuckles brushing down my jaw and the coldness of his rings sending chills to my center. "But it's not healthy?"
"You don't say." he rolled his eyes with a sarcastic undertone. "You're not faltering any conviction then. And again..." his head tilted, making one of his stray locks fell over his forehead. "I kinda like you letting me taint you." Goosebumps erupted in my skin as his fingertips brushed my neck and stopped at my choker, fiddling softly across it.
There was something just so enticing in the way we went from making out to... touching. And not like, in a dirty way, but like exploring the other's body?
I'd ever done anything like this, I'd never had the urge to do anything like this with someone before. But Connor? It was like I need it. I traced more of the black letters across his forearm and bicep as they disappear under the short sleeve of his oversize shirt.
And for some reason, he seemed to want his hands on me as well and I just love it.
"You won't ruin me." I whispered. "Nor taint me."
He stayed silent for a moment, and then muttered back: "And if I want to?"
My heart skipped several beats, my hands stilting for a second. "Do you?"
Connor's brows pinched together, thousands of emotions passing under his dark irises and making my lungs felt heavy and lighter at once. I should be unsettled by his words, appalled even but somehow... I couldn't convince myself it was a bad thing. Kissing me like that was tainting me? The blurry smoke taste in my mouth was tainting me? Those weren't bad things, not unpleasant things. I could deal with these things, I was burning in anticipation for him to keep ruining me then. But he looked so conflicted, like there was more into it.
"I don't know."
I hesitate. "Would I like it?"
He let out a breathy laugh, the hot air from his lungs brushing against my neck as he leaned forwards and nuzzled there. "Alyson." and breathed in, making me hyper aware since Connor wasn't one to seek for physical comfort or reassurance, but I knew no other way to describe this. He remained there just for a second before pulling away and resting his upper body's weight against his hands flat on the grass and eyed me from there, as if that moment of faltering never happen. Yet we kept the position we were in and there was this intense shadow behind all layers of neutrality in his gaze. "Look, I'm not..." words seemed to feel wrong and he frowned, trying again as that hint of nerves swirled in his eyes. "I can't..." but again it didn't go anywhere.
What was he trying to say? Did this have to do with what Norah said? Whatever it was that he couldn't?
"It's okay." I told him and went to lean forward and... I don't know, hug him or provide some kind of comfort for whatever he was currently battling with; but there was a fleeting spark in his eyes, almost scared, and I froze where I sit, my heart beating a thousand miles per hour and forcing my hands to rest on my legs. What was going on now? "H-have I done something wrong?"
It wasn't like I could tell, I was completely out of my element here, and if I'd done something that set him off...
"This is so confusing." and his eyes close, letting out a harsh breath through his nose. "I don't know how far can I push it."
"Push... what?"
But he shook his head, his jaw was set, concealing all his emotions in that stoic expression I came to know so much, but there were clues that he was actually hiding it. One, his jaw; two, the tensing his muscles and three, the slightly ragged breathes moving his chest. What was going on?
"Connor, what's wrong?" he flinched lightly, but didn't respond, his attention focused on something else I couldn't pinpoint. "Do you need something?" Did I push it too far? "I-I'm sorry. Should I- Should I move?"
"No." his left hand slowly moved from supporting him to my knee, keeping my leg over his in that tangle we'd managed and preventing me from fulfilling and pulling away. "Stay here. I'm just..." he breathed in deeply one last time and then opened his eyes again, having regained that cool imperturbable stance. "I'm fine."
No, he wasn't.
I didn't know what had happened, what set him off, why did he suddenly looked frightened or what he meant by 'push it'.
I scanned his face, doubtful, and was about to ask again but he beat me. "What are you doing later?"
Avoiding the topic, I see.
I wanted to pry more, to calm myself knowing there wasn't anything else behind this, even knowing there was. But he didn't want to talk about it, his hand on my knee tightened involuntarily as he waited for me to take the hint and I decided to go along. For once.
"I'm finishing Flitzbert essay. It's due for this Wednesday." And just like that, he rolled his eyes, going back to this more carefree version of him that actually tease me and part of the unease in my chest eased. "It's no joke, it's worth a good quarter of the final mark."
"Oh no." the sarcastic tone there got me both happy he was letting go of this whatever that had suddenly come over him but also squinting my eyes at him.
"It's important. I need an amazingly high GPA if I want to aim for a scholarship."
"And the whole photo stuff?"
I grimaced. "Wouldn't it be sweet to rely on it? Sadly, I need to keep all my options open and if I don't get on their good side with the presentation I need to have a plan B. Even though it was supposed to be my plan A, but with this chance now it's moved to plan B." I babbled thoughtfully, and Connor rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. You can't be this careless about school. I'm not buying it." but he shrugged, making my brows pinched together. "Why do you ditch class so much?"
"I'm not going to college, so what's even the point?"
"No? Why not?" he shrugged again and I bit my lip. "You know, regardless of what you'll do next, we're barely months away from graduating. For the short time left it may be in your interest to just get on with it and at least this years would give you the title of having ended high education."
"Alyson, we're on April. Teacher's know how I am, even if I considered sucking it up and enduring that shit, what would it give? They hate me already."
"Showing up is already half the way." I said. "And I can help you with the finals if you want." I offered, but he shook his head.
"Photographic memory, remember?"
"Oh, right. Well, more in your favor. You don't even have to study. You know how lucky you are? One look and puf, everything stored in there." actual envy poured through my words. How could someone who has the key to every intellectual carreer he wish for, dismiss his gift like that? But he gave an exasperated look and I sighed. "Okay, whatever, just saying. Do as you might, I was just trying to... to be helpful?"
I blushed as in response he chuckled, one of these light laughs of his, barely there; and gently pressing his forehead on mine. "I know."
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QUESTION: Horror or Fantasy?
ð» I M P O R T A N T ð»
As you might know if you've read other of my stories, I like to do a bonus chapter to celebrate the anniversary of my stories' starts, and soon would have passed a whole year since I begin updating My Unrequired Crush. I'm gonna make a Connor POV, let me know if you got any idea:
Don't forget to comment, vote and share.