"You really don't have to do that."
"I know." I check the author's name and the tag number and found its spot on the shelf.
We were currently in the lunch break. After a couple tries I'd finally found Connor in a hidden spot at the back of the library, in the same back corridor I'd seen him before. Apparently this was one of his secret spots to get away from the rest of the world, and it was isolated enough to feel like everyone else was far away. Not like many were here at the moment. And so when I found him here dozing off with a pile of book to be put away, I found myself doing the librarian's work for her.
And Connor was mocking me for it.
"Do you have OCD by any chance?"
"No?" I blushed a little, glancing at him and even if he kept his eyes close I could tell he was aware of my every move. I put away the last book in my hands and moved to the little desk built into the back bookshelves where he was taking his nap. "I just don't have anything else to do and you're not exactly entertaining me."
His eyes blinked open lazily, but he didn't raise his head, eying me blankly as I stood beside the little desk and placed one hand on my hip and the other on top of another of the piles of misplaced books. "Entertaining you?"
"I mean as in talking to me. You just sat there and sleep off."
"I'm tired."
"Unsurprisingly."
His eyes closed again, but there was actually a little smirk tugging at his lips. "Maybe you should sleep over more often. Then I would have some proper rest."
I blushed deeply, my stomach fluttering at the reminder of what he said this weekend: that for some reason he sleep better when I was there.
To be honest, I too had some amazing sleep in his queen bed and there was something heartwarming of waking up in his arms. He wasn't half as up for cuddles when he was awake and it has to be me who practically throw myself at him all the time.
But last Saturday I woke up with his head on my stomach and his arms around me. And I loved it, just didn't feel confident enough to tell him or let him know I knew. So I'd played it sleep when he stirred awake and felt the coldness as he detached from me after long seconds where he remember who I was and how I got there. Because he wasn't at all into cuddles.
Not exactly a surprise, tho, if he wasn't that comfortable with basic human touch let alone getting cozy.
And to be honest, the fact that he just brought it up like that both surprised me and affected me in a way far deeper.
"Is that an invitation?" I teased, trying not to let my emotions take control and play it cool like him, but I wasn't as good playing this.
"You don't need an invitation for that."
Don't I?
"I'll keep that in mind."
"Will you?"
I got this bubbling inside me once more. It was hard to describe these things I'd been feeling lately. It was warm, and intense, and I didn't know what to do with it because as much as this felt good and Connor felt both exciting to discover and safe to be myself, I got no clue where we stood.
"Maybe." I could sense an scoff at my vague, un-committed answer; so instead I had to drop his gaze and rambled in rushed whispers: "Have you even had lunch? Why do you even come here to spend the break? It's not the first time, but you never seem to read or study. Is it just because it's calm? So you can sleep? Aren't you worried someone would sneak and take your stuff? Macy once fell asleep on the bus and her purse got snatched. I mean, maybe they could take your phone I wouldn't dare to-"
"You know this is a library." Once more, I was bewildered as to what should be my reaction to his words.
"Uh, yes?"
"And in libraries you're supposed to be quiet."
I blushed, turning from him and focusing solely on putting away all the books of the new pile in my arms. Okay, I got it. Keep quiet. I heard him moving, but still won't look at him; kinda hurt by his comment. He was basically telling me to shut up, wasn't he?
I mean, sure, this was the library, but we were almost alone, the very librarian was playing Candy Crush at the furthest end and when I came here there was barely a couple other student. And we were hidden, away from them. So the only one I must be bothering with my talking was him.
"I'm joking, sweetheart." there was actually that light hint of humor in his deep voice but I wasn't as amused. I actually had to bite down the spark at the sudden endearing name.
"I see now why you don't usually joke around."
I sensed his smirk. "Come on, don't be like that."
What's with the sudden change? He was all sleepy and avoiding a minute ago. Guess I was facing another one of Connor's mood swings. They were so confusing, in a matter of seconds he could go from detached to curious or amused, or vice versa. Keeping up wasn't always easy and now he just offended me. Way more than I was willing nor proud to show.
I ran out of books to put away and for a second I faced the shelves, considering my next move. But what was there to consider? I shook my head and took my backpack from the floor, decided to go away and let him have his quiet time.
Yet, of course, he would surprise me again and my escape was halted by a sudden arm blocking my way, his hand pressing against the shelf. I haven't heard him standing, nor coming near, but now I grew hot at the nearness. His scent, faint smoke and that enticing citric hint... also I could feel my side being grazed by his body heat. So close...
"You're mad."
It wasn't even a question. And I had to bite down my lip when stupid goosebumps spread up my arm as his free hand brushed mine before letting his fingers close around the handle of my backpack, easily pulling it from my now loose grip. It fell back to the ground with a thick thud through the silent corridor, almost making me flinch as this light unsettled feeling that'd nested in my guts grew.
"What?" his hand now came to gently tip my chin up and I had to clench my fists in order to maintain some kind of space and try to have some kind of control over my thoughts. Hard to do as his callous fingers danced across my jawline. His head tilted, trying to catch my eyes. "Am I getting the silent treatment from the girl that spoke more than she breaths?"
And now he sounded amused, maybe a bit frustrated, but mostly it seemed that my reaction was humoring him. I folded my arms shakily, fighting back a smile and trying to hold the frown.
He did say something rude and I didn't want to reward him. Not yet.
Connor took in the gesture and his brows twitched slightly. "Don't do that. I... it came out wrong." he tried to catch my gaze and this time I let him, drowning in those pools of darkness that pulled me in. "I'm sorry, okay?" and he gave me one of those rare, tiny smiles of his. "You were saying?"
I couldn't really remember, probably some nonsense to occupied myself. But instead I narrowed my eyes.
"This is a library." I repeated, but I wasn't half as mad I was pretending to be. More like my little ego had taken the blow of his joke and now I was self conscious and overwhelmed that he was this close, breathing the same air as me. "I'm not allowed to speak here."
"Didn't stop you before." there was something in his tone, something in his almost playful attitude, as if he was taking this as a challenge. "Go on, talk my ear off."
I rolled my eyes, my lips betraying me into a tiny grin. "You're seriously the most difficult person, with mood-swings and zero patience I'd known. And if you think I would just-"
"Sh," hushed me, glancing down the corridor, whispering: "Not so loud. I really don't want to lose this spot by being banned," he was teasing me. It was clearly written on his face. By now I knew well how to read the small twitches of his mostly inexpressive face. He was trying to push my buttons, for fun? Whatever it was, it both fluttered and irritated me. "Keep it toned down."
"Make me."
I didn't know where this was coming from, maybe my spiking anger; but after a second of almost shock, his eyes glistered with a malicious mirth, his left hand lowering from the shelf to rest hotly on my hip. "Alright."
He began leaning in, making my heartbeat increase and I bubbled with anticipation. I could feel his breaths fanning my face and my eyes fluttered close and I stood on my tiptoes, and our noses brushed. Connor smirked, stretching the nuzzling a couple heavy seconds; but then moved up instead of down and his lips pressed my forehead instead. A mix of melting lovingness and frustration swirled in my chest, making me weak in the knees.
We'd been doing this for a few weeks now. Getting closer, getting intimate. And I love it.
I would have never imagined I could enjoy so much something that I delayed for so long, but I would have imagined even less that I would be discovering this part of myself with Connor of all the people. Six months ago this would have seemed stupid, yet now I was confused by a whole different reason. And I couldn't get enough.
But we hadn't had the talk yet. Macy told me to just get it off with when I get the chance, but Norah cupped her ears and began singing so she wouldn't hear me talked about my relationship -or whatever- with her brother. Guess she was okay with whatever, but didn't really looked much into knowing every detail.
Connor pulled away with that content-contend expression, knowing he'd handled my little tantrum successfully and I blushed, slowly coming down to my flat feet once more. Cocky blowhard. And again, as if reading my mind, he took a step back; making me miss his presence and touch even if he was barely a foot away.
As I struggled to calm my overdriving heartbeat, he leaned against the now empty, narrow desk and took back his phone that he must have placed face down on it at some point. But as he acted like this, my confusion just fed more and more, making a bubbling mess that wrestled with my fluttering. Maybe I should just take Macy's advise.
"Connor."
"Mh."
"L-last friday..." I began, but the words got tied up in my throat, making me choke on them and he hummed, carelessly urging me to go on. I gulped, trying once more: "At the match last Friday, I... kinda told Brett we were togheter?"
My face burned and blood rushed to my ears as I got dizzy in self-consciousness, but Connor didn't react as I expected him. He rather didn't. Keep glancing down at the screen for a couple more unbearable seconds and then turned his head to eye me. I felt like I could literally faint and my fingers tingled with numbness.
"Did you?"
"I-I just..." I gulped, keeping my voice down, but it still felt like I was yelling instead of whispering. I might as well be for what matters in the deafening silence back here. "I really don't know where we stand. I mean, I like you, and you... you kinda like me too, but whenever I try to make sense of it you say I'm making it complicated, but isn't it more complicated to be unsure?" I was rambling again, and he perked one brow, making me blush all the more if possible. I sighed, gathering my thoughts enough to form what I'd been really wondering all this time. "What I meant to say is: what are we?"
"You did say we're kinda together, didn't you?"
I hummed, that wasn't really an answer. "But what does it mean?" he blinked, still not showing any sign of bother and I grew more nervous. "Are we, like, seeing each other?"
"We obviously are."
Why was he being this vague? "You're not giving me much to work with. Are we together, together? Are we exclusive, are we an item? How am I supposed to know if your idea of 'being together' is the same as mine?"
"You see why this is complicating things?"
"Connor." My heart beated harshly and I felt it pumping in every corner of my body. Okay, let's just get over with this. Rip it from the root, like a band aid. "Are we dating?"
For a painful second we looked into each other's eyes, those dark eyes that were like turmoils of liquid power and mystery. Intense mysterious... and they drove me crazy in feelings I wasn't familiar with nor know how to seize.
I held my breath, watching him consider carefully his answer. Way too carefully. My heart skirted watching him watch me intently. Was it really such a hard question?
"I guess."
He guessed? My brows pursed together. "Do you want us to date?"
Connor shrugged and a pang of disappointment spread in my chest. He really didn't care. Here I was trying to make sense of this and he couldn't be more indifferent. My eyes stung. Maybe I should just stop prying all together before I reach a wall that would make him back down for good.
"I see."
I went to move away, before he could see how stupidly sensitive I was getting; but his fingers wrapped around my wrist, tugging me back before him and pushing me so my back was against the irregular bookcase. I gasped at how close he stood, irradiating a more powerful and impressive halo now, towering over me. Connor pressed my wrist on the surface beside my head and used his free hand to do the same with my other.
"It's just a fucking tag, Alyson." his minty breath fanned over my lips, making me tipsy as he blurred all lines of personal space and left me breathless, wanting more... wanting him to cover those painful inches with a yearning that scared me and allured me equally. "Is that what you want? To date me?"
"I guess..." I repeated his words, lost of breaths as his head tilted and my face burned. "Maybe."
"Then maybe you should ask me right."
Ask him to date me? I scoffed, twisting my wrist; but he held it in a firm grip against the wall. The restrain awoke a wave of both fire and frustration; kinda turning me on as his dark, deep eyes never left mine. An aggressive heat climbed up my neck and my cheeks flushed.
"W-why do I have to make all the steps? Take some yourself."
"Why should I? It's you who maybe want us to date."
Ouch. "Right." I muttered bitterly and defeated. "And you don't."
"I didn't say that." he tilted his head.
Of course he didn't.
He never says something or not-say something that would directly involve what he actually was feeling. Unless it was something blunt and hurtful, Connor would keep walking on the thin line between what he let through with his words and what you made out of them. Always leaving his own real emotions and thoughts protected behind a thick bullet proof wall.
And I knew this was a self-defense mechanism of his, but I was also extremely insecure and a little stability and reassurance would be nice. Instead, I keep feeling my chest aching, wondering if he was waiting for me to do the first step (like the kiss, like admitting I like him) or if dating or labels was really something he wasn't into.
And he was taunting me for complicating things? I huffed, fisting my hands and at the movement I felt his fingers tightening around my wrists. Something fluttered in my guts and swirled downwards.
"How am I the one complicating things when you're the one that goes around speaking in riddles?" at that he actually smiled a little, apparently amused and I almost wanted to scream and melt at once. He was infuriatingly unreadable.
"Hold still."
"What-" I was cut by the amazing feeling of his lips coming down to mine.
How was I supposed to stay mad with him kissing me like this? I kissed back without thinking, mesmerized by the butterflied simple things like that would awoke all across my being. I smiled against his mouth, trying to hug him and pull him closer; but his hold on my wrist tightened.
More frustration laced with the fluttering, but without releasing my hands he leaned closer, pressing his body against mine and into the bookcase behind me. My head spun.
As Connor pulled slightly away I took his bottom lip between my teeth, feeling the need to grab on him somehow and also remembering how good it felt when he did that. It must pleased him as well because he let out a light groan as it rolled out slowly.
But instead of letting go he shifted my hands so he could hold both with one of his and his other come down to my waist, gripping almost possessively. "Still." Connor reminded me before he dipped his head and captured my lips in another intense kiss.
The place was dead silent around us, all sounds I was aware of was the loud buzzing in my ears and our harsh breaths. I couldn't be more grateful that the library was empty at the moment.
The height difference was annoying and I could tell he felt the same when he finally unlaced our hands, bringing his down my sides and leaving a path of alluring fire in my skin and I gasped when he leaned forward so his hands cupped the back of my upper thighs and hoisted me up so I was sitting on what my fazed mind assumes was the narrow desk.
It was indeed so narrow I barely could seat, my legs were almost completely hanging from the end and my back pressed the irregular bookshelves once more. It wasn't that comfortable, on the verge of painful at how some books dig into my spine, but I was too distracted by how Connor swiftly took the spot between my legs and his presence overwhelmed everything else. Our bodies were flush form hips to chest and I burned with a swelling I hadn't known I could feel.
Developing minds of their own, I barely was aware of the way my legs wrapped themselves around him and how my hands shyly navigated their way across his chest and broad shoulders as the kiss deepened.
I shuddered, melting and lighting at the empowering sparkled caressing each inch of my skin. I traced his shoulders, feeling his shiver as I slowly moved down the plain, solid muscles of his chest, firm under the large shirt... but he laced our fingers before I reached his abdomen, preventing me from feeling him further and an involuntary whine escape from the back of my throat, dying in his mouth.
It was then that I blinked some of the daze and noticed his ragging breaths and the tension in his posture. Something a bit too much for what we were actually doing.
"Why can't I touch you?" I whispered, confused and worried.
How can we be be so raw at times, and so sensitive when I touch him. He hates it. It unsettled something in him and I was going mad at my lack of answers. Was it me? Was there something deeper into it?
His dark eyes met mine, slowly -very slowly- releasing my fingers and I brought them back to his chest. His eyes closed, letting me feed in his warmth, in his scent, the controlled deep way he allowed his breaths to sink in and how his chest moved accordingly to it. He was trying really hard to let me touch him like this. All his muscles were contracted, as if ready to jump and there was a twitch in my brow, like controlling a flinch.
Why?
I lightly traced the fain letters on the chest pocket of his hoodie, a brand or group I didn't know about.
"I-is this okay?" I muttered, so low I wondered if it ever come out at all, but after a harsh from him I could tell he heard me.
And I also could tell that whether he hadn't openly told me stop, the fact that he didn't voice an approval and the extreme tension of his body against mine was a pretty clear answer on his own. The only reason he wasn't shutting me down must be that he didn't want to upset me again.
Or that he was allowing himself to see how far could he go before drawing a limit? Like the other day at the park.
He gulped and with I watched mesmerized as his Adam's apple moved, promping me to lean and kiss the little hollow between his collarbones. This time he did flinch, and I halted, my heartbeat drumming in my ears and I feel the way he went all stiff for a second, unprepared for it, but didn't push me away and after a couple seconds he forced himself to relax -kind of.
My fingers grabbed a firmer grip on the fabric of his shoulders and moved to kiss the bare skin over the collar, and inch over the previous peck. And another a little higher. And another.
Connor sighed as I slowly grew confident and kissed up the side of his throat, savoring the new sensations. I love how his breath hitched, I loved how he even shuddered and slowly leaned closer letting me go on. My arms slid 'till I hook them around him and dared to try and suck lightly so it left a little pink mark. I love it. I arched forwards, sliding my palms down his back, high on this bubbling feeling...
...until he had enough and his hand seized mine again as his other held on the shelve behind me, breathing hard. I blushed, his breaths mixing with mine, and despites the close position and body contact on some points, he still wanted me to keep it to myself. My eyes met his, an unreadable turmoil of emotions swirling in those dark pools.
"Why don't you like it when I touch you?"
Connor used the hand holding mine to grip on my left hip, keeping mine trapped between, and used that same grip to bring me closer to edge at the same time he stepped closer, flush against me and I gasped at the feeling of him pressing between my legs. Like when he had the 'morning thing' but now it wasn't morning and he got no excuse nor intention to make one.
"You think I don't like it?"
My face flushed, but my insides fluttered in an unknown excitement that travelled through my veins.
"Connor-" but I lost the track of my own thought at the mix of boiling sensations and he cupped my jaw pulling me in for an intense kiss. I squirmed in his tight grip and unconsciously brushing against him. Chills spread through my whole and I felt like I could explode.
Oh my god, what is this?
"You have to be quiet." he whispered into my lips before taking my bottom lip and tugged making me burn with desire. I barely get to muffle an embarrassing low moan as he sucked it, like I'd done earlier but rougher; rolling it through his teeth and making me melt and combust more. But he muffled any sound with another passionate kiss. My back pressed against the uneven surface of the shelves as he leaned, pressing us impossibly closer and a sudden brightness struck me. Library. We were in the library still. But it was hard to focus on that. "Not a sound."
"I can't just-" my breath hitched when he rolled his hips forward and more sparks flew everywhere.
I shifted lightly again, relishing in the building pleasure where we were brushing and he groaned, nipping into my jawline before hiding in my neck to breathe forcefully and clenched his hold making me still.
"Alyson... I'm trying to hold back."
Hold back? How? We were basically making out like that in the middle of the library. If I allowed myself to think of it, I'd burn in self-consciousness. But he didn't seem to be bothered by the chance of being caught precisely. But then what?
Was this for his past where he'd apparently been hurt? Or for his apparent dilemma about ruining me? Whatever it was, this felt too delicious and addictive to just stop like that.
I cried out in his arms, way more needy than I would allow myself to believe, but too far gone to be ashamed. "Don't."
He groaned at my petition, kissing me forcefully again and the world around seemed to shudder with me.
This wasn't supposed to evolve like this. No here. Not now. But I found it impossible to control or the will in me to.
Connor laced my hair around his fist and tugged, just enough to bend my head back in an almost uncomfortable angle and deepened the kiss. His other hand grabbed a better hold on my hip -still keeping my hand trapped there- and he thrusted his hips forwards once more, slowly grinding once more and I was overwhelmed with sparks.
Oh my god!
My legs clenched around him, unable to fully grasp reality as he groaned and repeat over and over, circling his hips against mine, closely, unstopping, building up a kind of heated pleasure I'd never known.
And then it was me who flinched by the shrill ringing of the bell, making me confused before I remember we were in the high school, in the library, and that was the end of the lunch break bell. What an anticlimactic halt to this growing feeling.
I pulled away, breathless, but Connor just moved down to kiss my throat unbothered. My eyelids fell, dazed at the buzzing as he sucked it. I shivered, feeling a mark already forming as his tongue soothed its sting.
"Connor..." he hummed but didn't seem really into stopping anytime soon. I couldn't help a smile. "We have class."
"Do we?" I giggled, as he kissed up his way back to my lips and this time his grip was less restricting, allowing me to slide my fingers through his soft flocks on the back of his head. "Let's skip."
Skip? Some more reality sank into me. "We... can't." but I want to. I really did and he was being damn convincing with his playful kisses, stealing my reason slowly. And I was loving it. But I forced myself to think about the scholarship. I groaned. "I can't." my lips pursed and I felt his light smirk before capturing my mouth again. I was becoming addicted to this. But I forced the wild part of me that wanted to give in and pressed my palms against his chest -noticing he didn't tense this time- and pushed lightly. "We should go."
He hummed, letting me down the desk and on my jelly legs before he pulled the chair sitting on it once more, if it wasn't for his messy hair or the light marks on his neck you could tell he was completely unbothered.
"I'll see you later then." and he just laid his head on his arms, closing his eyes, going back to dozing off.
Guess he was skiving either way.
How could he go from the heated cloud to just... switch off?
I was still feeling the effects of his kiss, the warmth of his touch and the overwhelming weakness he sparkled within me. I could only hope it wasn't that noticeable apart from the evident flush in my face. I made sure to brush my hair forwards just in case.
"Are you sure you're not coming?" I wondered, hearing the faint sound of the library door open and before it shuts again noises from other students chatting came in.
The second bell won't take too long to ring and I still need to take my stuff. I should get going.
I looked back at Connor, brushing his blond hair off his face. It had grown now, and the roots were already dark against the bleached locks. "Guess I'll see you later, then."
He hummed in response and I repress the urge to roll my eyes. As an impulsive move, I pecked his cheek and could swear his lip twitched into a smile before I turned away and picked up my backpack.
I felt light walking out the library, glad to find it as empty as in the beginning. No one had heard anything then. Good. I wouldn't be able to walk out there if someone had. I clenched my hold on the bag strands, anxious and ashamed just thinking about it and sped my pace.
And only as I approached my locker it occurred me that Connor never really told me what he wanted us to be.
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