The walls of the hallway to my locker seemed narrower today. In fact, everything felt smaller, more crowded and suffocating. I could feel their stares glued to the back of my head and my skin prickling uncomfortable with the attention. I don't deal well with attention.
And everyone here had seen by now Jade's bruised lip, swollen and split under her make up trying to cover it. And they knew -or at least guessed- it was me.
My stomach churned, still unable to process the guilt beyond the initial relief.
I had hit Jade, I hurt her and she had the proves of it. It was only a matter of time until she report me and they suspend me for good.
But they hadn't yet.
I get a few glares and wispers that died when I was close enough, but I wasn't openly confronted about it. Not even Macy and Norah, the latter gave me a thumbs up across the hallway before first period, but others just judged from the distance.
Not until the end of the day, when I was silently retreating my books, self conscious and regretting having gotten physical. That wasn't me. Not at all. It made me sick. And it made me even sicker to know she got everything in her power to sell me to the principal.
How could I explain her injury? How would I justify myself?
She had all the right cards to get me expelled, and unlike her, my family couldn't afford to pay my way back in. And what if the accident goes to my expedient and it affect my chances to get a scholarship?
"Hey," I almost jumped out of my skin at Brett's voice and I almost frowned, but managed to contain my muscles enough not to.
The past times we'd seen each other hadn't been that good. The last was when he told me off, and the previous was when he made me feel remorseful for not returning his feelings. I wasn't really looking to have another talk with him.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw him leaning against the locker next to mine, making a screeching metallic sound that got me flinching and my heart dropped several inches.
"Did you really punch Jade?" his blunt question hit me like a slap, way too accusatory for being casual.
"No." I muttered, playing as if I wasn't bothered by him there, but I was. I was hyper aware of his presence so close, making me buzz in a disgusting unease and the memory of him allowing Jade to pull me away.
Brett, smirked, not a pleasant smirk but a bitter one, folding his arms and letting his eyes scanned the hallway before I felt them back on me.
"And here that I thought you couldn't lie." bile was swirling in my chest, trying to lure me into snapping at him all the confused emotions he'd forced on me with his latest betrayal. But they wouldn't mean anything. He would find the way to turn it around, to make it my fault or to play down the severity of his neglect. "But well, I also thought you were over any kind of violence."
My brows pinched together this time, unable to control it anymore. Was he lecturing me about violence on top of everything?
Brett scoffed as I zip up my bag, hanging it on my shoulders with slow controlled movements. "Aren't you even going to say anything?"
For the first time, I didn't feel guilty nor responsible of his emotions. If he was mad, rejected or sad... that got nothing to do with me. I wasn't in charge of his messes and he'd clearly proved not to care about mine other that to feed himself.
So next words came out easy, almost hissed: "We got nothing left to say."
"Don't we?"
I shrugged, not in the mood to engage a conversation with him of all the people and close the locker, but Brett wasn't done and tugged at the cuff of my hoodie -Connor's hoodie, bringing me back and making my heart lurched.
"Stop running away from situations."
"Let go."
"Or what?" his head tilted, looking almost amused but there was a hint in his eyes that showed off that within it was a whole different story. "Would you punch me as well?"
I looked away, his words hitting closer to my core. "I didn't punch her."
"Her split lip begs to differ."
"W-why are you defending her?" I tried to twitch my hand off his but his grip on the hoodie tightened. His eyes never leaving mine and my insides begin to collapse. "You know what she did to me."
"She's changing."
"And you believe her?"
His eyes narrowed, eying me like he couldn't believe what was before him.
If this would have happened some months ago, even some weeks ago, I would have felt like crying just by the judgment in his blue orbs. But now? Now I could barely read my feeling enough to identify one. But I knew I wasn't ashamed of my behavior. It was way more bitter what I was experiencing.
His lips curled and he finally spoke again. "You've changed." he sentenced at last. "Ditching me, playing me... now punching Jade? I wondered if I ever even knew you."
"That's not it." I breathed out, thrown out by the twisted reading he was making of our relationship.
"No? Funny. I wonder if we ever were even friends."
Because I'm selfish. I remember what he's told me already in the past. That I was self centered and selfish. After all the giving in and pleasing I'd done to make him happy, to make him like me... even lately when things had been weird, I still try to be always there for him until recent events.
Connor's voice came back at me, telling me how frustrating it was that I had this soft spot for Brett, an for once, I felt that frustration as well.
"You're right." I muttered then. "I don't think we've ever been friends." his expression fell a little but I sought in me the strength to keep on with this impulsive blurt. "You've never been there for me."
"I see how this is gonna go. You wanna play the victim?" his eyes moved beyond my shoulder and he pulled me closer, lowering his voice so a passing student wouldn't hear our conversation. This place might not be the ideal for this talk, but now that didn't really matter. Things were flowing out. "I've always been there for you, Lys. I drive you around, I got you the scholarship."
"You messed my scholarship." I shook my head, feeling more vexed the more I think of it. I'd been turning my cheek to everything but it was reaching a dam. "You broke my camera, you turned your back on me and allowed t-the bullying. Jade made my life hell because of you. And... and the driving? You're forcing these drives because you think you like me."
It was the first time I openly say it out loud and his eyes widened a fraction, a blush creeping up his neck but he narrowed his gaze at me. "I do like you, how can you throw it in my face like that?"
"If you'd like me, you would never have treat me like that. You wouldn't be blaming me for your emotions nor for defending myself from Jade."
I could feel the anger shifting inside him, leaving a more vulnerable boy, like a toddler struggling to find an excuse when he messed up. And it was almost heartbreaking. Almost. Next time he spoke his voice was softer as he repeated: "I do like you, Lys."
"Then tell me one thing," I forced my eyes to remain on his as I spoke. "When have you ever done something for me?"
"All the time!"
Liar. I shook my head. "No, not something you've done with me but for me. Selflessly. Something you ever done just because it would make me happy, something you wouldn't get anything from and maybe you didn't even want to do. Name one thing. " his lips parted but no words came out. I thought I would feel satisfaction from being right, but I was shaken by a pang of ache. "One thing, Brett. In twelve years we've met. Anything."
I was almost begging at this point, and I realized I was trying to make myself less pitiable, to convince myself I hadn't been blinded for so long. Our friendship, even when we'd been on our good terms, had always been dictated by his terms. What he wanted, what he needed...
Where was I in this equation?
He looked away, looking conflicted and hurt as well, and I felt my eyes moisturing.
"Like I've said." I pulled my hand from his grip, gently now as the realization hit us both. "We got nothing left to say."
********************
The days were passing too fast, too busy and in a blur we were again on Friday. Between the work, the exams, trying to make up for the lost time with the girls and all the stress over Jade actually getting me expelled, I barely had time to realize time was passing.
But here we were. The world had kept spinning and no one came to me for explanations, which left em to believe that -for whatever reason- Jade hadn't snitched on my failure of control behind the bleachers.
Knowing her, I didn't believe for a second it was because she had regained her senses and let it go, she must have a major motive behind her silence and I bet anything it was because it was all in self defence and she just got out the hook from an almost definitive expulsion.
She was keeping it to herself for her own personal benefit.
But truth was, depites the couple narrowed glares I'd received I really didn't think she was that fine with it. Her lip had gotten better, but she still would be affected regarding the Flower Queen. Well, not really, because despites how she might show up the night of the Spring Ball, people who wanted to vote for her already knew how good she looked. And if anything, the rumor of me punching her, kicking her, biting her and other things that I've heard along the week made her more likable if possible.
But I should be glad, the looks and whispers had stopped now and I could more or less melt into the background once more.
So despites Jade's attitude and Brett keeping his distance at last, everything was back to it's tracks.
And I was fine with that.
Today I had finished the school time feeling a bit lighter and more comfortable than usual, making me want to keep my head high and try to pretend nothing of that had actually happened. In barely a couple months High School would be done and I wouldn't have to see them again. So what if now they kinda dislike me because they think I mistreated Jade in some way? I won't stay here long enough for it to matter.
As long as we all keep it to ourselves, I'll be alright.
Time to focus on better things. Like Connor.
Like the way he was kissing me senseless and how my mind clouded at he soft way his long hair intertwined between my fingers and time bent and stretched.
I think we'd come here to pick something to go skating, but I don't know how that disappeared form our plan and somehow all I could think at the moment was the electric way those chills caressed down my spine at the kisses he made down my neck, how my back pressed into his mattress and he half hovered over me.
"You keep stealing my stuff." he hummed, his finger lacing on the thick hoodie crumbling around my stomach and tugged playfully light, making me giggled.
"I don't steal. I've borrowed it."
"You've borrowed it for a long time now."
I blushed, knowing he was right. His hoodie, his ring, the grey t-shirt he'd let me last time I sleep here... I guess they were piling up.
"You're too tiny for them." he flatly said next, the faintest hint of amusement as his hand traced softly the wrinkles of the cloth over my stomach, reaching the end that had rolled up to my navel and wandering under it. His hot hand against my bare skin for my insides fluttering and the path he touched glowing. His dark eyes met mine tugging at my heart strands. "Do you plan on returning any?"
I smiled. Not really. His lips twitched ever so slightly and kissed me again.
I melted, barely controlling the shivers as his rough hands traced my side and my leg hooked on the back of his, arching my back so our fronts pressed together and the room spun around. His head tilted, deepening the kiss and unraveling some more of my soul at the dominating way he took over the kiss.
I could stay like this forever, in the limbo of nothingness and liquid bliss.
His phone beeped for the umpteenth time since we got here, and once more he didn't mind it at all. But then again and again and again...
"Should you be checking that out?" I wondered but my eyes closed as he kissed down my throat, completely unbothered. "What if it's important?"
"It's just Trevor." he only answered, not really interested in it and I was almost too distracted by his hands sliding up, brushing the sensitive skin over my ribs and creating all kinds of fluttering in my chest as the hoodie rolled even higher.
Almost as if reading my mind about how suffocating the cloth felt with this heat, he pulled away, putting enough distance to slid the piece off me, making me feel exposed in the basic sleeveless shirt I got under it -also rolled up my abdomen with all his working and my hair spread wildly over the mattress as he looked down at me. I buzzed as he took in the strap sliding down my shoulder and the fringe of bare skin in my abdomen where the shirt had also rolled up.
His eyes were smoldering hot, making my skin burned and it became even worse was his touch as he let his knuckled brushed my jawline.
"I like you like this."
"Relaxed? Half naked? In your bed?"
I didn't know where the courage came from, but it was totally worth it at the little smile it snatched him as he leaned closer. "You're not relaxed." his fingertip lowering over my collarbone and sternum, even through the cloth it felt like pure fire and my heart increased its already mad beat, pounding through my ribs at his touch. "And you're not half naked."
"But I am in your bed."
He gave me that cute smile once more and it made me ever more dizzy than his next kiss.
My hands slid under the hem of his shirt, gazing the heated skin of his sides and I felt him shiver and tense. I kept the touch light, waiting to see if he pushed me away, but when he didn't I dared to climb another inch.
"Wait." he broke the kiss, taking my hands and pinning them to the mattress as his rapid breathes hit my lips and my heartbeat increased as well.
"Okay." I was surprised at how soft my voice came out, unlike the clenching I felt in my throat at the sudden reaction.
I tried to catch his eyes, but found his tightly closed, all his face neutral and his shoulders tense. If it wasn't for his harsh breaths you wouldn't be able to tell he was altered somehow. He was retrieving back to his safe, ice shelter.
"I'm sorry." I spoke again, afraid to even break the fragile silence created between us.
Connor shook his head, but kept his eyes closed, his fingers tightening on my wrists and I knew I had to try and reach him, because I triggered his trauma.
Ever since I'd known about the real reason behind it, I'd been more careful with the signs of him uncomfortable, but I guess I hadn't been attentive enough now.
Stupid.
"I'm sorry." I repeated, but he still looked far, far from me and my chest felt heavy. "Hey. Look at me."
He did, shattering me to shreds with that penetrating look of his and my guts did a funny twirl. Here it was that usual turmoil of emotion, but stronger. I could almost feel his mind clouded with the unwanted memories and emotions.
I went to apologize again; but before I could, Connor kissed me again. A hot, intense kiss that left my mind blank for a second and that eased some of his tension, shifting it into controlling dominace that turned me on as he shifted over me and I shuddered.
"Don't say you're sorry." he whispered, kissing my neck, but I barely could process one word. There it was that mix of emotions hidden in his apparently rough tone. He felt vulnerable deep within, and somehow passionate as well, or maybe he was holding on this former feeling to get over the trigger. Maybe he needed copping and I was just making it harder? "It's my mess."
His mess that I triggered. I gulped, goosebumps spreading at the graze of his teeth against my shoulder.
"I want you to be okay with it too."
"I am." Connor held his upper body on his elbows on both sides of my head, letting go of one of my hands to cup my face and I carefully wrapped my shaky fingers on the shirt's cloth at his side, careful not to touch him now.
It was hard to keep my thoughts going with how overpowered I felt by him. All him. His nearness, our shared breaths, his body heat, his citric scent that went straight to my heart...
He might say he was fine, but there was this weird hint in his eyes, and I never knew how to react when he had this moment of triggering. Give him his space? Console him? Talk about it?
It was really hard to tell, but with Connor -someone as stingy with what emotions he let out- was ten times harder.
"Y-you want me to leave?"
"No."
The short word and how sternly he stated it was a huge relief to my stomach and lungs.
He watched me carefully, brushing his thumb up my cheekbone to my lips, making them burn, still sensitive for his aggressive kisses. I love that he was rough, but loving as well. In his own way. In a unique mix.
"I trust you." he tilted his head, never taking his eyes off me as if to seize my reaction as much as I was analysing his. "I like you." he flexed the arm he was using to keep himself up, lowering ever so slightly but keep my right wrist in his grip. I buzzed with this new excitement as he brought the other hand carefully down my jaw line and caressing my throat's column slowly. "And I touch you."
I giggled and blushed, because we both know he was right.
Moved by a powerful urged from the very back of my chest, I arched my neck and kissed him softly. I felt his smirk before kissing me back shorty.
"I want to try something."
His hand traced my cleavage, making me shudder, and up my neck. His fingers easily slid up my throat and stilted under my jaw, getting a good hold and I gasped when they tightened. It was slightly uncomfortable, but it awoke a white rush that spread mercilessly through my veins and flutters all the way to my core. Making me giddy.
My free hand flew to his wrist as his eyes darkened and I close mine when he leaned, waiting for his lips on mine.
"Tell me if it hurts." his voice was so low it rumbled through me.
I shook my head lightly and could feel his smirk hovering my mouth barely an inch and when the anticipation was becoming too much he closed the rest of the distance.
It was barely a soft peck at first, parting my mouth with his and sucking my bottom lip into his mouth and bit on it. I whimpered as he tugged harshly before kissing me raw. I could feel my heart beating on every corner of my body at the weird mix of pain and bliss.
It was hard to keep up with him and my other hand tried to cup his head, trying to seize something, but he easily kept my wrist pinned against the mattress by my head. His body easily pressed mine down in a way that made my mind spin and my skin flare. I was completely overpowered, at his mercy, but I found myself getting excited, loving it with every fiber of my being.
We were panting when he pulled away and those dark eyes took me in, our nose brushing in this new position and his large frame pressing down on mine. I could feel an unknown desire burning in my stomach in a way that I just wanted to let it consume me. It was so confusing, and terrifying, but alluring like hell.
He was in control, and we both know it.
At the realization, Connor smirked in a way that got my toes curling and his grip on my throat clenched the tiniest bit, making me gasp at the uncomfortable pressure, and used that moment to kiss me again. There was something sweet in the way he kissed me, tender even, but it was mixed with that dominating power and it was driving me crazy. Euphoria overpowered me.
I blushed ten shades darker feeling his excitement right against me. Thousands of shards of hot pleasure spread under my skin at the foreign pressure as he slowly rolled his hips against mine.
A weird sounds scape my throat, but I was too into it to feel embarrassed. He moaned too, turning my insides into puzzle and repeated the grinding motion.
And again.
And again. And what began as a testing move felt now like a whole different thing, stealing all my rational thoughts.
Keeping up with the kiss when I was like this was hard. I didn't even notice the moment we stopped, but suddenly I could breathe more freely and more goosebumps appeared as he suck on my slightly sore neck. Securing one arm under my hips, Connor used it to bring me up against him, increasing the mind blowing feeling as he let go my wrist and I embraced him close, unable to process the thought of having him half an inch away.
But then the shrill sudden sound of his phone broke through the thick air.
Damn, why?
But Connor didn't even acknowledge it. Like with the texts. But when it began ringing another time he took it out his back pocket and hang up, placing it by us in the mattress. Where it started ringing a third time in a row and he groaned. So close the tremble of his complaint only added to the liquid bliss running through my veins.
I giggled, sliding my fingers through his long hair. "Shouldn't you take that?"
"No."
Yeah, I'd believe that if it wasn't for the five thousand text and at least three calls he'd received just in the past hour.
"Come on, it could be important." I kissed his forehead and he made another cute complaining sound, pulling away enough to take the phone and looked down at the screen.
His brows pursed, getting into a sitting position and taking it. "What?"
Okay, he did sound hostile.
But it was hard to see him as anything other than the mix of details: his swollen lips, his messy clothes and completely out of control hair. With the golden sunlight coming through the almost closed blinds, his side profile was something I immediately wanted to picture him.
I was almost tempted to reach out and touch him, but -even with the euphoria of the recent make out- the memory of the reaction he'd just had over a little touch was enough to make me keep my hands to myself.
"What?" he didn't even snap. He said that word in a tone so flat and cold it rose goosebumps over my arms and made him intimidating enough. Nothing at all how passionate he was a couple minutes ago, or how cute some even earlier. This was the usual Connor I only get to see now when in front other people.
I rolled on my side to give him some privacy as someone -probably Trevor, for what he said before- answered from the other end of the line. Taking my own phone, I checked the new texts from the girls.
"I told you not tonight." I heard him, sounding slightly annoyed under all that and my heart skipped a bit when I him fiddling with a strand of my hair. I smiled to myself as I felt him twirling it lightly, but keep a minimum reaction so he wouldn't notice and stop.
Trevor's unintelligible voice said something on the other end.
"Because I don't want to." Connor spoke again and there was another faint response I couldn't make out. "Yes. I..." he took in a deep sighed as Trevor said something else. "Fine. Pick me at eight. This time bet your own money, I'm not taking more blows for free."
And just like that I wished he would have kept ignoring the calls altogether. Because apparently there were more fights tonight, and Connor was summoned.
********************
QUESTION: Any show recommendation? My personal favorites are Friends, Stranger Things, Breaking Bad, GoT, Arcane and Euphoria (I'm looking forward on what to watch next, so leave your pick <3)
Also, sorry for the long wait. I've been busy writing the Kissing Series Kimmy's Spin-off: Bulletproof. Now I hope I can go back to a more regular updating, every 10-14 days. Hopefullyð¤ð»
Don't forget to comment, vote and share.