"Hey." I mumbled lowly, clearing my throat when it clenched at the sight of the gravestones, as always. With a wavering breath I carefully crouched between both, trying to mess the beautiful dress Norah's lend me as less as possible. "It's me again." I smiled, picturing my parents grinning down at me and placed the buckets of flowers down while picking up the dried ones. "Here, lilies and roses. As usual."
I pushed my weight back to sit on my heels and grazed the soft white of the marble where their names were sculped. My fingers traced it with this pinch in my heart.
"It felt like I can't come often enough. There's always too much to say... Too much you should have seen." I felt that familiar sting in my eyes and blinked rapidly. "Anyway, I have good news. Remember how I'd given up with USC? Well, that's changed." I cheered, feeling more and more light at the happy topic. "They agreed to give me a chance to enter the scholarship program if I do a decent presentation. And it's... it's today."
Today.
It felt damn surreal that the day had finally arrived.
I took in a shaky breath, tucking my hair behind my ear. "I'm so nervous. Really, like my stomach could explode at any moment, and my limbs felt shaky and sweaty and..." I sighed, controlling my ramble. "Well, you get it."
I brushed the marble free of leaves and dust, careful not to get any of it on me.
Today was a big day, a decesive day that would mark my furture. And they should be here. I wanted my parents there to presence my first exposition, to hold my hand and to hug me no matter what when it was all done.
But that wasn't possible.
I blinked rapidly. "I've worked so much, and I think I might get a chance. Choosing the topic was so hard; but once it was done, everything else fell right into it's place. Granny'd helped a lot. Really. I don't think it could had worked out without her and was always so sensitive... It's funny how she won't stop praising the project and says it's on the blood." I laughed and shook my head. "I just hope it all turned up alright. It would be nice for one thing to go well after all. That would be perfect."
I keep telling them about the exposition, about my nerves and how important this event was. I also update them about Connor. About us being a thing now, even though we still hadn't talked about tags and boundaries -but I wasn't going to tell them that. So as far as they know, we were together.
I like to think that they would have liked him.
Well, they would have liked Norah for sure, and Connor might have had a rough start with his cold demeanor and all but once over the first impressions I'm sure they would have approved.
Granny approved and she was way tougher than them.
I could almost imagine my mother smug glance, maybe a little disappointed that I didn't end with Brett like her and Julia shipped since we were little; but I like to think that in a world where they wouldn't have died it would also be a world where I didn't get bullied. Or a world where I had the guts to call out for help before it got out of hand like it did in my reality.
In a perfect world a lot of things would have been different and in that case I would have already got my scholarship chance when I should have, last June. And now I would be just stressing about the Spring Ball gown and if Connor would ask me out at all.
But here we were. In my imperfect world.
And in here I was updating the gravestones of what I really wish I would tell them face to face. But it was okay. Well, not okay, but I'd wrapped my mind around their dead a couple years ago, now I just got emotional here and when I got low days.
I imagine how would have been introducing them my first 'boyfriend or whatever'. She would have been extra noisy, questioning everything until she knew every last detail about him and his family tree. And my father would have probably rolled his eyes and joke about it. I smiled at the thoughts.
It felt good to come clean with them. Especially with the amount of things that had happened since last time I came.
By the time I made my way back to Granny's car I felt both relief and saddened. I halted by the driver's door, and give her a smile through the downed window.
"How did it go?" she asked nonetheless.
"Good." I hummed and it wasn't all a lie. But coming here was always hard.
"Really?" she cupped my cheek tenderly and I gave her a cheerful nod, forcing my smile to beam.
"Of course. All good. Now slid over so I can drive."
She grumbled something and gave me a narrowed gaze, but did as I asked and moved to the passenger's seat so I could occupy the driver's.
She wanted to drive, but considering her delicate state we both knew it was better if I did. She was forced to agree on the way here, but the sneaky grandma used my little get out to take the driver seat as if thinking that would fool me. I gave her a winning grin sliding inside and closing the door.
She was a great shotgun, though. She babbled and joked and made me forget about the nerves and all the doubts about my exposition.
Well, it wasn't my exposition. It was an exposition and there was a small spot for my project. But still.
I was in eternal debt with Loui for letting me borrow a space so the scouts could see it.
Macy was already waiting for us the moment we parked in the public lot before the Studio. She was wearing a light body and her hair was braided backwards, leaving her face free. She waved as we approached and once there I realized there were already people inside the gallery. My heart throbbed violently against my rib-cage.
Loui was busy going up and down, organizing everything and gave me a quick smile and hug, followed by rushed directions and sent me to prepare my part for the fully opening, like, ten minutes from now.
All my nerves surprisingly erased the moment the doors were finally opened. In all fairness, my spot was a small one, not really in the spotlight and surrounded by other major works. It wouldn't attract that much attention other than the people who came looking specifically for me.
Perfect.
Indeed, I was proud of what it turned out. It'd been hard to choose a topic and to work on it, but after all the hours spend on it with the little time I was given I was satisfied with the result.
More than satisfied, I thought, feeling my chest bloating as I stare at the three pictures on my spot.
Yep, this could work.
The first persons wandered by and I surprised myself not been half as anxious as I was on the way here. It was as if now that it was happening I allowed myself to relax and examined it from afar.
Well, you wait until the scouts arrive.
More and more people came and went, filling the space with soft chatter and walking bodies. At first I thought about standing next to my place, waiting for the USC representatives to arrive; but soon discovered I couldn't stand still for much longer so I went in search of the food tables on the big room next to this. It had small snacks and little plastic glasses.
I filled one with soda and went back to my place. Glancing around impressed with the other works. If I wasn't so pendant of mine, I would have loved to analyze others. I love expositions.
When I entered the room with mine again, I caught a glimpse of dark clothes and bleached hair and as I stepped closer my chest relaxed a bit when I recognized Connor on one of the columns, glancing around impassible and Norah by his side talking animatedly and gesturing.
The moment she saw me she waved, grinning wide and I felt more eased with them here.
"Alyson." she threw her arms around me, taking me by surprise with an effusive salute but I really appreciate it. "I was just telling Conny that you must be around. Hi! How are you? Nervous?"
"Very." I chuckled letting her lead me the rest of the way to the column where Connor was and his eyes softened making my heart beat easier.
"You made it." I greeted when I reached him and under the sudden weight of his eyes I nervously tucked a strand behind my ear. I breathed easier when he made the first move dipping his head, so I stood on my tiptoes for a quick peck that jolted rush to my veins. "Hi."
Norah groaned, looking away with a grimace. "This is still so weird."
I blushed, having acted more on instinct at seeing him and now getting self-conscious at the PDA but Connor rolled his eyes, using his hand only now I noticed had made it to the small of my back to keep me close as I went back to my flat feet. "Get over it."
"I will if I could, but that doesn't seem to be the case." she scoffed turning to eye the room around us. "So, which one is your favourite?"
My eyes scanned the surroundings at her question, passing from one picture to the other, from a huge landscape that covered from ceiling to floor to a collection of portraits in black and white. "All of them?" I answered but it came out more like a question and she laughed.
"You failed to the see the whole point in having a favourite."
"Well, I like all of them."
"Of course you do." Connor tone was flat, but when I look at him was struck with the amusement hint in his eyes. He was mocking me.
My brows pulled together. "Which is your favourite?"
"All of them."
He was definitely mocking me.
"Pair of freaks." Norah chuckled, taking the cup I had with me and looking at its content. "What is it?"
"Soda."
She smiled. "I don't know what else I expected. Can I?"
I shrugged and she took a sip of it and I leaned against the column next to Connor, my side lightly pressing his and it soothed me in a way. He didn't acknowledge it, but his hand on the small of my back was enough.
"There she is." Norah muttered and following her gaze I found Macy making her way here with two champagne glasses and handing one to the pink-haired.
"Hey, Alsyon." she grinned. "I didn't get you one because you don't drink..."
"That's fine." I reassured as Norah cheered and downed hers. "Can I have mine back then?"
Norah hold it over and I took a sip, the fresh soda sliding easily down my throat and I hand it over to Connor. His eyes boringly fell on it once I attracted his attention from one of the pictures around and he took it to have a go as well.
Macy bit her, taking in the move and looking almost remorseful. "I did ask you if you wanted something. You could have told me you were thirsty."
Connor shrugged, completely unbothered and glance away once more. It felt so weird to see him be like this, or to think he used to be like this with me as well. Norah gave him a glare and pulled at Macy's arm so she stepped closer, muttering something that made her blush and smile. Like this, taking her mind off Connor's clear dismissive.
"You don't need to be so cold with her." I mumbled. Shifting in the balls of my feet, again with that mix of calmness and stress because the scouts must be around the corner. When he shrugged but made no effort to correct it I bit down a sigh and turned forward, overthinking on my own.
"Are you really nervous?" he asked then and I lifted one unstable shoulder.
"I just want it to be over."
I wanted to enjoy it, honestly. But seeing I was too stressed on all the possibilities over this one exposition I just wished I had a time-control that could fast forward me to the end of it and knew already if it was worth it or not.
His thumb brushed my side and his lips pressed softly the side of my head, surprising me and melting my insides. It was his way of telling me it would be alright. Wordlessly and effective.And so I leaned closer letting it get to me.
"The exposition is cool, by the way. I like the first picture best."
"Thanks." I blushed a little, turning to look the one he was referring to. I'd tried to prove I could go with different styles and in that one I worked with more gloomy colors and sharp shadows, tilted in a crocked angle. It kinda makes you uncomfortable to look at and I was proud of that effect. "It's the darkest one."
"Yeah." and I knew it was precisely for that reason that he probably likes it the best. "And about the last one..."
His words hang over us and I didn't need for him to finish the sentence to know where his thoughts were going. The last was taken barely days ago, in that building roof he brought me last weekend. And he was on it. Well, his back, cut against the night sky and unrecognizable unless you knew. And he knew.
"That one is my favorite." I muttered, feeling my face burning self conscious as his attention was on it. It was small, the smallest of my presentation, but it felt more intimate like this. Once this was over I was hanging it in my room. And if I got to USC I would certainly bring it with me. It wasn't only pleasant to look at, showing the untamed skills I had, but it also held sentimentally worth.
Connor hummed. Maybe I should have told him I was putting him on my expo, but like I said, he was unrecognizable, and I was half terrified he would forbid me to. But as I watched his flat expression while he analyzed it I kinda regretted taking the decision on my own.
At last I couldn't take it anymore. "What do you think?" his brows twitched lightly, but still no word came out immediately and my anxiety spiked. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I really thought it would mean nothing bad, if you don't like it there I can still put it down and then-"
"It's fine." he looked at me, behind all that icy walls he's put on today there was a hint of humor. He found my stressing amusing. Of course he does. "I like it. Just didn't think you would use it."
"Well, it is my favorite."
His lips ticked upwards and he looked away, but I was already aware of the pleased reaction he had and relax more into him.
Just at that moment I saw someone on the other end of the room. "I need to go greet someone else. Are you coming or-" are you staying?, but he was already pushing off the column and I barely concealed the smile.
I waved the girls who were busy inspecting the huge landscape and cut through the people before he disappeared.
"Dylan!" I stopped him just as he was about to cross the door's frame to the next room. He halted and turned, startled, but when he saw me approaching the remaining steps he smiled.
"Hey, I was looking for you."
"Found me." I giggled reaching him and gave him a brief hug. He'd been a huge support for this project. When I texted him about a week ago -kinda desperately, gotta say- he accepted to model for me even with the short-time-notice I gave him to reorganize his plans and then refused to accepted my money. He said friends don't pay favors. "I didn't know you were coming."
"I told you I'll try to. I can't stay long though, I had this flight and the car is waiting." he grinned and then noticed Connor's looming presence. "Oh, hey."
Connor didn't return the greeting, no surprise; but he wasn't just his cold detached self. There was something else pounding thought his passive-aggressive silence and the almost threatening way his eyes scanned Dylan up and down. Noticing every detail from his dimples to his spot on moccasins. Clear image of a pretty, rich boy.
There was something in the air that shifted, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Connor obviously didn't like Dylan, but not like with others. There was a different kind of dislike.
His jaw clenched and his eyes moved to mine, making no effort to introduce himself to Dylan and making my heart pound harshly at that look. What does that mean? Was he mad at me? At Dylan? At me for being friends with Dylan? Or was he... oh my God. Was he jealous?
The idea of Connor jealous was almost ridiculous, but I saw how he followed my hand as I let go of Dylan and there was a twitch in my guts. Was it possible?
When it was clear he wouldn't make the introductions, I forced my attention out of analyzing Connor's reaction and grinned at Dylan.
"He's Connor. He's my..." and just then I realized I'd dig my own grave with that choice of words.
How was I supposed to finish that sentence? Connor was my -what? My friend? My whatever? My best friend's brother?
Why did I always speak first and think later?
"Well, you know..." Connor's head tilted, as if daring me to end it too and Dylan's brow perked, probably thinking I was having a mental stroke. Damn it, just say something. Forcing my eyes off Connor and on Dylan only, I tried again: "My, uh-"
"Her boyfriend."
Too relief to actually have an answer I nodded. "Yes, my-" Wait a second!
My boyfriend?
Connor's hand found my side and shifted me closer, making me step before him so his arms came possessively around my waist.
Possessive. Boyfriend? So he was jealous.
And there was a bitter taste that he was using a label I'd wanted for so long just to mark his territory. The part of me that wasn't fluttering with the declaration and PDA scowled unsure.
"Oh, nice." Dylan tried to play it cool, as if it was just that normal to almost have a mental crack to find the word 'boyfriend'. He must know this was Connor's way to make him keep his distance. But he was nice enough to play it down and extend his hand. "Dylan."
Connor took it briefly after eying it like longly and before letting go. All while he kept his other arm around me. But did he mean it or was he just being primeval? I couldn't even decide if it turned me on or made me annoyed. Frustrated, confused... way to add emotions to the list I was feeling at the moment.
I could confront him about it now, but I didn't have the guts to. I could tell he noticed my unease, but he too knew we couldn't discuss it with Dylan there. For the sake of my nerves and sanity, I decided to focus on the model now and deal with Connor's outburst later.
"Thank you for coming." I smiled.
"Sure." Dylan grinned brushing his head. "There's a lot of people, uh?"
I gave him an incredulous glance, noticing how he gulped eying the surrounds. "Are you... embarrassed?" my jaw hanged open at way he shifted awkwardly on the spot. "B-but you pose like this, like, daily."
"Well, yes, but I don't usually get to see people's immediate reaction, it's more like in commercials... and then they told me about it... you know?"
"I-I..." my stomach twisted with guilt. First Connor and now him. Maybe I should have just not used models for my pics. "I didn't know you would feel bad for it." I whispered. "I wouldn't have asked you. I'm sorry."
"No!" his eyes widened and any trace of self-consciousness was pushed down as he gave me a sweet smile. "Don't be sorry. I accepted. And I work like this. It's just... weird. But I don't feel bad for it, so neither should you, okay?"
"Lys."
My heart immediately picked up at the known voice and we all turned to see Brett there. In a button up shirt and a bucket of flowers in his hands. I hadn't talked to him since we 'broke up' our friendship, but there he was. In the expo.
Would he make it worse? It felt like I could only take so much drama for one day and the scouts still hadn't arrived.
"Hey," smiled Dylan at him. "I remember you. You came to one of the sessions right?"
"Right." he grinned back, but it wasn't a genuine grin. It looked more like a warning, hard on the edges and I think I saw something swirling in his orbs as he eyed Dylan, then Connor and then his eyes met mine in that gentle hint I barely get to see since I turn him down. "Hi," I gulped and nodded, all too conscious of the floor at my feet an Connor's arm still around my middle and his chest on my back. "I didn't think I would find you so busy."
Dylan chuckled. "Nah, I was just leaving. Good luck." he winked at me and patted Bretts back. "I leave you with the artist and her boyfriend."
No! Dylan. Why! I couldn't prevent how Brett would react. Throw another fit? Made me feel guilty again? The auburn froze as the model walked towards the exit with a last wave, unaware of the bomb he just dropped.
Brett's shoulders tensed, his eyes scanning us accusingly and noticing the intimate position -but at the moment I was glad I had Connor's strength with me.
"Boyfriend?" he repeated, the bitter hint in his tone sliding through his initial easy-going attitude.
"Yeah." was Connor only reaction, unbothered on the outside, but I felt his fingers twisting against my side and Brett eyes narrowed.
"Really?"
I didn't know what feeling was stronger: the self-consciousness, the shame or the yearn for the earth to swallow me at once.
"So," I cleared my throat, feeling as if my mind was going a thousand miles per hour. "You were saying?"
"Right." he looked down, taking a calming breath and look back at me with that gentler expression. "I'm sorry. I would like to have this conversation a bit more privately, but well. I was a jerk. You were right, and... here." He hand me the bucket. "This is for you."
"For... me?" I took them flabbergasted. After everything, I hadn't expected him to actually give in, to apologize and to get me this.
"You think flowers solve everything?" snorted Connor and I elbowed him lightly seeing Brett's fist clenched as he glared at him.
"No..." he sighed, calming his anger and I was impressed how he was controlling his mood and still spoke softly despites Connor's poking. His blue eyes focus only on me. "I know they don't. But still, you were right. I'm sorry I was never there for you, and that I was too self centered to even notice. I want you to have this chance because you deserve it, and because it's my fault you didn't get the scholarship in the first place. So, just... I'm really sorry, Lys. Really. Even if it doesn't mean anything anymore, you deserve to know I know I've messed up big time."
My lips parted, but no words came out. I couldn't say anything. I was too stunned. Brett bit his lip, reading through my state and nodded to himself, almost as if patting his back for having succeed and sent me one sad smile, stepping back into the crowd and leaving me to overthink it all. My fingers absentmindly tracing the soft petals of the white flowers.
"You can't be for real." Connor scoffed and I frowned, slowly turning to face him and feeling almost in a dream. Too many things had happened in the span of a few seconds, and they weren't light-easy things, more like mind shattering events.
"W-what?" I asked, still dazed and he frowned down at me, seeing how I caressed the bucket and scoffed, letting go of me.
"You're thinking about forgiving him."
It wasn't a question. He was stating it and I... I wasn't that sure he was wrong.
Brett did look different today. And for the first time, he owned what he did. He acknowledged the damage and came to support me. Just support me. He didn't even ask me to take him back, he wanted to apologize. And that was a sign of maturity, wasn't it?
I moistured my lips, pulling him so we were in a far corner of the floor with no one around to snoop. "There's a difference between forgive and forget."
His flat look spoke volumes. "Now who's speaking in riddles?"
Me, apparently.
I shook my head. "I can't think about it now. I appreciate him coming, it was nice of him." Connor narrowed his eyes, looking forward. He didn't like my words and the tension here grew. Just great. "I'm not just forgiving him, but people change."
"So they say." grumbled Connor under his breath and I folded my arms, careful not to mess the bucket.
"What about you, uh?" I retorted, unable to keep the pissed undertone out of it. "You just came here all macho and pushed away my friend and make it harder for Brett the only time he ever even try to apologize."
His jaw clenched and his eyes sparkled. "He likes you, Alyson. And you're falling for it. How am I supposed to be okay with that?"
"Because I like you." I retorted, blushing even if it was the umpteenth time I told him so. "You don't have to chase him away. He doesn't like me and even if he did, he knows I'm with you." I caressed the soft petals once more. "Apparently you're my boyfriend, aren't you?"
He looked away quickly, and I could almost swear beyond his contained anger there was a hint of blushing in his cheeks. "Shut up."
Yeah, right.
"So it is okay for you to use it against other guys getting closer, but you won't even acknowledge it to me." I could tell he wasn't comfortable with this conversation. He wasn't into tags or limits or definitions, but it had been him who called himself that. Softly, I decided I was going to keep pushing some more. "In order to be my boyfriend we have to be dating and you never even asked me." he still said nothing, all tensed and my heart clenched. "D-do you want us to-"
"Does it matter?" he asked instead, cutting me and my chest deflated a bit.
"I guess to you, it doesn't." offended I went to step away, but he sighed forcefully and took my wrist to prevent it, finally showing some emotion.
"Yes, it matters." his brows pursed. "We're whatever anyways and you said we were 'kinda together'. Why does it matter if I put a tag on it?"
"One stupid tag." I remembered his words when I mentioned it weeks before, only he used a stronger word than stupid. "If you want to use that tag, then maybe you should ask me right."
His brows knitted and it felt almost pleasantly good to throw his words in his face. Unsettling because of what was actually being discussed, but thrilling too.
He looked down, for once seemed like he was the one that couldn't hold my gaze. And I didn't know how to feel about it. So he could say it when it meant nothing, but he couldn't make it official with me.
"Ask me." I whispered, coming out more pleading than I would like, but I could barely feel it.
"I can't... when you have some other's guys flowers."
Really? I put the bucket behind my back. Childish move, but if that was his excuse then I shall get rid of it. "What about now? Would you ask me?"
"Alyson."
"What? It is complicating things again? What's the excuse now?"
He didn't looked pleased with my pushing. His features tense and sharp as ever as his eyes scanned my face up and down and making me more nervous with his silence. He really didn't want to date me. Like, at all. Why else would he hesitate so much?
"If you don't want to, you can say it too." my voice was tight, more than I would like; but I forced it out either way, my heart thumping one million beats per second. "Or y-you can call red."
Norah suddenly appeared and yanked my arm to the side, excitement beaming in her eyes and cutting this building tension. "They're here."
My stomach laced in a tight knot, covering the tension for this built anticipation and stress. "T-the scouts?" she nodded energetically. "How can you be so sure?"
"Em, because they were in suits and a folder with USC printed on it?"
As soon as she spoke I spotted a couple gentlemen just as she described, eying the pictures skeptically, taking notes. "Oh God." I began hyperventilating. This was it, the big moment. What would they think? That it was good? Enough? Sheer trash? I couldn't tell only with their impassive glances.
"Are those flowers?" she took in the bucket and I handed it to her, unable to hold it steadily anymore. She crabbed it like a baby to her chest and looked between Connor and me, for the first time realizing she'd interrupted something. "Are you guys okay?"
I looked at Connor, but he had stepped back, looking away and retreating to his cold façade once more. Tugging at my heart strings because it confirmed my assumptions in a way.
When he made no effort to respond I turned to Norah, who lifted her brows and forced a smile. "Peachy."
"Sure." Norah shook her head, probably realizing like me this was something that had to wait and nudged me towards the suited man on the other end of the room and I felt like dying. "Go there. Introduce yourself."
I looked back and she gave me a thumbs up as Macy smiled encouragingly appearing by her side as well. "Good luck." she mouthed and I swallowed.
I was so not ready for this, but I didn't realized I said it out loud till I heard it rolled out my mouth.
"You are." reassured Connor and brought up our intertwined hands.
When had we joined hands? Had I reached for him? Most likely, probably too stressed to functionally think. But he was holding it back and lifted it to his mouth to swiftly stamp a peck on my knuckles.
As if the recent quarrel never happened.
But it was something we will have to take care of soon.
A spark of fire ignited from there to the rest of my body and I felt my cheeks warming. A new determination burned in me at his words and sweet gesture.
I am. I can do this.
I nodded, pushing down the tight knot in my stomach and found it in me to step closer the men. And stepped again, and again and little by little I made it to the piece nº3 they were examining at the moment. Their attention fell on me as soon as I halted by their side and my guts clenched.
"H-hi." I choked out and by their unmoving looks I could tell they didn't hear me. What the hell? I made it here, ain't I? Screw the insecurity, I'll deal with it later too. Clearing my throat I tried again, louder this time. "Hi. I'm Alyson White. You must be from USC?"
The youngest returned the smile. "Yes. Nice to meet you Miss White. I'm Fran Brickson and this is Jason Medina. We've been sent to analyze your application."
"Of course." I shook their hand as confident as I could. "Thank you so much for coming, I know this is an odd way to apply..."
"It is." Mr Brickson laughed, taking out a bunch of papers from his binder as Mr Medina remained stoic, impersonating my worst fears for today. "But the dean was impressed with your sample. Could we have a word with you? There just some questions about you and the project. Protocol and stuff, to get to know you better."
"Sure."
"Perfect, then go on. Tell us more about your idea."
********************
QUESTION: Who should ask the other out: Connor or Alyson?
We're reaching the end!! A couple more chapters and the story will be done. Let me know what your thoughts are on it.
Make sure to check my new story STAMINA, so far I've posted the first chapter and I will be starting it as soon as I'm done with Connor and Alyson's story <33
Don't forget to comment, vote and share.