Chapter 27: On the Brink of Burnout

I got home after a long day at college. James was hunched over the kitchen table, buried in his books. His shoulders were tense. His focus was unwavering.

Midterms were coming up, and we were both a little stressed.

I walked over to him and touched his shoulder. It was a gesture meant to offer comfort and support. But James jumped in surprise. My heart skipped a beat as I watched him scramble to regain his composure.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” I said quickly.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” James replied, his tone sheepish.

“How’s everything going?” But even as I asked the question, I could see the weariness etched into every line of his face. There were dark circles under his eyes. They were so dark, I feared not even concealer could hide them.

“Everything is fine,” James said. But his words rang hollow. It was clear that he was on the verge of burnout.

“How about you take a little break and get some rest?” I suggested, leaning my hip against the table.

“Not right now,” James stubbornly refused.

My worry grew with each passing moment. A knot formed in the pit of my stomach as I watched him push himself beyond his limits. I knew that he needed to take care of himself, to prioritize his well-being over his studies, but convincing him of that was easier said than done.

“Come on. It doesn’t have to be a long break,” I pushed.

“I have too much to do right now, Keily,” he said.

“How about we make something to eat and then you continue to study?” I tried.

“Just leave me alone!” James slammed his hand on the table.

I jumped backward. Then I put a hand over my heart. My vision got blurry.

This reminded me of the days before James and I started dating. It made me think back to when he was my bully. But he’d changed… he began treating me right. And now it felt like everything we’d built was falling apart.

But as quickly as his anger flared, it was extinguished. I could see the regret on his face.

James got to his feet and wrapped around me in a tight embrace. He held me close, as if he were trying to hold himself together.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“It’s okay.”

In that moment, all was forgiven. The tension between us melted away in the warmth of his embrace. I understood that he was under immense pressure, that his stress and exhaustion had clouded his judgment and led him to lash out.

“You’re the kindest, most forgiving person that I know,” he said.

I was moved by his words. But I still worried about him.

“You’re stressed out…” I voiced my worries.

“I am. And I really need to focus for now.”

He ended the hug and I looked up with him. I gave him a nod, deciding to give him the space he wanted.

“If you need anything, just let me know,” I said.

“Thank you.”

I retreated to my room to prepare for my own tests and projects. I reflected on how college life seemed to be a vastly different experience for James and me. While he was stressed out by his academic responsibilities, struggling to keep up with the demands of his coursework, I found myself thriving in the bustling environment of campus life.

I easily kept up. He struggled to.

College had become my home away from home. It was a place where I had forged deep connections and meaningful friendships. In particular, my friendship with Charlotte had grown stronger.

But James hadn’t gotten along with Shaggy. Okay, I don’t blame him for that. But he also didn’t speak about new friends. And, come to think of it, he hadn’t introduced me to anyone since we’d come here.

I made many new friends. James didn’t.

I found myself able to juggle my academic responsibilities with relative ease. While there were certainly moments of stress and uncertainty, I refused to let them overshadow the joy and excitement that college had to offer. Unlike James, who seemed to constantly be on the brink of burnout.

I was doing well. James wasn’t.

I studied for a while before deciding that it was time for sleep.

I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and put my pajamas on.

How was James doing now? Was he feeling better? Peeking out of our bedroom, I caught sight of James still hunched over his books at the kitchen table.

He looked so exhausted.

He yawned and rubbed his eyes, before turning his attention back to his books. I didn’t think he would come to bed anytime soon. And, after he snapped at me, I didn’t want to invite him either.

He’d join me when he was ready.

I climbed under the sheets, wishing that he was next to me. The empty space beside me in bed felt colder and more desolate than ever before.

Going to bed without James just didn’t feel right.

***

I woke up as the first rays of dawn filtered through the curtains. But as I stretched out in bed, my hand reaching instinctively for James’s warmth, I was met with nothing but empty space.

Huh?

Did he decide to get up early? I glanced at the clock beside my bed and realized it was too early for James to be at class. So why wasn’t he in bed with me?

With a heavy heart, I rose. I walked out of the bedroom and into the living room. My footsteps were muffled by the soft carpet beneath my feet. I heard voices...

There was James.

He was still sitting at the table. His phone on loudspeaker, lying next to his books. I immediately recognized his father’s voice.

“I wanted to call sooner, but I have been a bit busy…”

“That’s okay, Dad,” James said. His voice was strained as he attempted to hide his exhaustion.

“How has everything been going?” Mr. Haynes asked, his voice crackling through the speakerphone.

“Everything’s going great,” James replied.

Well, that was a lie. I watched as he rubbed his eyes.

“That’s my boy. Keep up the good work. Just like your brother did,” Mr. Haynes’ voice softened slightly, filled with a sense of pride and expectation.

Urgh. The last thing James needed was to be reminded how his brother excelled at college.

“Yeah, I’ll do my best,” he murmured, his voice tight with strain. “I have to go. I’m studying.”

“We’ll talk soon. Bye son,” Mr. Haynes said.

“Bye, Dad.”

James hung up the phone with a heavy sigh. The tension drained from his shoulders as he slumped in his chair.

I didn’t want to accidentally scare James again, so I cleared my throat. He immediately looked my way.

“Good morning,” I murmured softly and walked over to him.

James smiled at me, but there was no hiding his exhaustion.

“Morning,” he replied, his smile faltering slightly as he returned my gaze. “Sorry if I kept you up last night.”

I shook my head. “You didn’t.”

Turning away, I busied myself with making coffee. The familiar routine provided a momentary distraction from the worry that gnawed at my insides.

Once the coffee was ready, I poured us each some coffee and handed James his cup. Had he been up all night? He was still wearing the same shirt from yesterday…

“How do you plan to keep going at this pace?” I asked.

“Love and coffee will keep me going,” he declared. He sipped his coffee and smacked his lips together.

He put the cup down and pulled me to him. He hugged me. I hugged him back.

Can things really last like this?