Chapter 50: chapter 50

MADHAVI run a hand through my hair and pace the hospital corridor. There is too much nervous energy in me and I have no idea how to burn it. It has been three whole days since the attack on Sruthi. The security guards have recovered and have gone home. Jaya Ma is still in the hospital recovering. Sruthi’s state on the other hand is becoming worse with each day. Vishnu is still in police custody and I still haven’t contacted Vikram. In short, everything is spinning out of control. I have no idea how to repair anything. All I want now is for Sruthi to recover but her condition is worsening each day. The doctors aren’t hopeful about her recovery. They believe that she is going to leave the world soon. But, I cannot accept that fact. I cannot allow myself to even think about that scenario. I have a blind hope that she will recover. She must. If not for me, at least for her brother's sake, she must recover.The door to her ward opens and the chief doctor exits it with a couple of other doctors behind him. The chief doctor’s grim face says it all, “I am sorry, Madhav. We tried our best to save your wife but there is no hope for her. Since she has been exposed to intense conditions, her phobia has been triggered and she has fallen into a coma. Her body is not accepting the treatment. It is like she wants to leave the world. She has a maximum of a week left to live.”The walls close in on me and I find it difficult to breathe at the doctor’s word. Tears fill my eyes and I am on the verge of losing my shit again. I take deep breaths and focus on the plain white hospital walls and floors. I can’t have another panic attack. No, I need to see Sruthi.“Can I see her?” my voice is thick with emotion. “You can’t. She is in a very critical stage,” the doctor answers looking at me in pity. Funnily! It is been a very long time since someone looked at me with that emotion. But, even after all these years, I still hate it. Yet, I can use that emotion to my advantage.“That is more reason for me to stay by her side. Please, doctor. Just let me stay beside her,” I am not sure what he sees in my face but his eyes soften.“You will be permitted to stay beside for an hour.”“Thank you so much doctor,” I reply feeling grateful.❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥The only sound in the ICU ward is the beeping of all the monitors. I take a deep breath and brace myself for the sight I am going to see. It is one thing to watch Sruthi from far away and it is a different thing to see her all bandaged up from nearby. An oxygen mask is placed on her mouth and tubes come in and go out from her nose. Her fragile body is covered in a hospital gown. Her usually bright and cheery face is pale and lifeless. A swirl of emotions takes over me as I stare at her. I am the reason why she is suffering so much pain. I pull out a chair near her bed and sit down on it. I just keep staring at her face as thoughts of losing her fill my head. What am I going to do if she never opens her eyes again? What answer will I give her brother?‘She has a maximum of a week left to live.’I should have stayed with her when she needed me the most. I gently take her hand in mine which has no IV drip attached to it. The fear of losing her and the guilt of not being able to save her when she told me many times how she was afraid of losing her life consumes me. For the thousandth time, I wish it was me lying in the bed all injured and not her. What would I give to swap our places?“Sruthi, I beg you,” I plead in a desperate voice. I don’t know if she can hear me or not but there are things I want to tell her and I am afraid that if I don’t say it now, then, I will never get a chance for it. “Please, come back to me. I am sorry for how I behaved. I am sorry for not promising you to not kill anyone,” my voice is thick with emotion as I remember how desperate she was when she asked me that promise. Dammit! I should have given her the promise. “I promise not to kill anyone hereafter. Please, just don’t leave me. My life won’t be the same without you in it.”If this scene had happened in movies, then, the patient would have shown some sort of acknowledgement that they have heard the pleas of their loved one. But, there is no movement from Sruthi. She stays still like a doll with no action. Despite knowing that I can’t change anything, I keep talking. It is like a dam has burst in me and the words won’t stop flowing. All these years of pent-up emotions and feelings flow out of me in words.A stray tear escapes my eye as I ramble and reminisce about our first meeting, “Do you remember the first time we met? That day is etched in my memory. It was on your brother’s twentieth birthday. I have heard a lot about you from Vikram. He always referred to you as his little sister. So, I imagined meeting a cute kid with chubby cheeks but you were none of that. You took my breath away at the first sight Sruthi. I couldn’t believe you were a school student when I first saw you at the party. You were wearing a navy blue cocktail dress that hit your calves. You looked like the greatest sin in that dress.“I wasn’t expecting you to be captivating and chatty. Your first words to me when Vikram introduced us were, ‘So, you are that mysterious Madhav.’  I never believed in having your heart race faster for someone at first sight. But, that day, I did believe it because my heart kept racing for you. My eyes unconsciously sought you and tracked every one of your moments. Our short conversation was fun and I knew you were going to be someone special in my life.”I pause trying to compose myself before continuing, “You know what happened at the end of the party? A fight broke out between me and some rich jerk who had come there. I was a hot-headed man then and I had no idea how to control my temper. But, when I looked at you after that fight and found you staring at me with clear hatred and revulsion in your eyes, for the first time, I was repulsed at myself. After that no matter how hard I tried, you never changed your perspective of me. You only grew more scared of me. “There were a lot of times in the past, I tried to tell myself that the feelings I had for you were a small crush and it would fade away. I tried to forget you by going on a series of dates—that is when the rumour of me being a playboy started. But no woman in this world could erase you from my mind. Every time, I went out with a girl, I kept thinking how the date would have turned out if it was you sitting across from me in the restaurant. You were always on my mind. I knew the disdain you had for me but I can never stop loving you despite your harsh words. You were a docile and polite woman to everyone else. But, to me, you were always sassy and full of snark. You have no idea, how many days I have longed to have a snarky conversation with you. I was okay with any attention you gave me. I knew you were afraid of me but you always put up a strong front to hide it. There were a lot of times when I wanted to kiss that smart mouth of yours whenever you would come up with a witty reply to whatever I had to say. Call me a selfish bastard but I rejoiced with the fact that no men approached you because of your brother and that you had no idea of dating anyone. But, then one day, all of a sudden, your brother told me that you were getting engaged. My heart shattered not pieces that day. I felt like there was nothing left in this world for me to breathe. Grudgingly,  I attended your engagement party.  “It was pure torture for me to see you together with Praveen. I was envious of him and wanted to wish him all the bad in the world but I couldn’t because you were so in love with him. I saw the way your eyes would light up when he called your name or how you would grin like a fool when you received a text message from him. I hate him yet I also admired him for making you happy. I was ready to move on from you and wish you all the happiness on your wedding day but you know what happened. Your dumbass fiancée left you and I was made the groom. Honestly, I was the most ecstatic man that day. I thought that this was the final chance that God was giving me to show you how much you mean the world to me. I wanted to take things slow. I wanted you to recover from the heartbreak. I wanted you to fall in love with me of your own accord. I didn’t want to force you into a relationship with me. That was why I never told you that you were the woman I was in love with all these years even when you asked me outright.”Tears roll down my face and fall on her hand but there is no response from her. The only sound in the room is the rhythmic beating of my heart and the beeping of the monitors. I wish I had told her all this before. I was so afraid of her pushing me away that I wasted a lot of time we had. I was so wrapped up in that idea of being a violent man immersed in darkness that I refused to enter the light even when I had the chance to. I could have confessed my feelings to her and tried to reform myself if I had wanted but I was too much of a coward to let go of the assassin identity I created for myself. I squeeze her hand for any sign of response but there is none,  “I love you, Sruthi. I have from the first moment I laid my eyes on you. And, I am sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. Don’t leave me, Sruthi. I don’t know what to do in this world without you. Please, fight back. Please.”❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥