Chapter 101

Shiromoru POV

"You say that like you're in control." I scoffed, lifting my own hand by the wrist and stared at the natural ice particles around it.

By body, no I am not in control at all. But in this situation? Again, Shiromoru, they won't let you go unless I'm here.

"Tch," I groaned, "Whatever. Fine, do what you want with Prince Raijin. But keep your promise. I'm going to keep your predecessor as a hostage if you try anything stupid." I grumbled and closed my eyes, relaxing my back on the cold surface and cleared my head.

I took a sharp breath, opening my eyes wider as I breathed. Am I breathing...? I really am back!

Don't get too excited, Alien.

"I won't do anything funny, I swear." I placed a palm on my chest, heartbeat thumping out while it rose and fell.

I walked towards Yasachu, her head whipping her head towards me with longing eyes. A bead of sweat ran down to my chin, clenching my jaws and trying to look as neutral as possible.

"I'll ask them to take off your chains," I held my breath after I spoke, walking towards the door and shut it behind me, not wanting to even hear her voice. With a small huff, I glanced towards the princess that was waiting for me.

"I'm assuming you're back? Saboten isn't hissing, so that's a good sign." Shoubu chuckled, smiling at me.

What's with that girl and her knowing which is which? It's disturbing.

"Yes, I'm back. Could you let go of Yasachu though? I'm not going to talk to her for a while, I'm sorry for holding you all back but I still have to talk to Rai. Besides, her wrists must be hurting, and she already agreed to come with us." I made up a logical excuse, knowing that Shiromoru wants her to be let go already.

As much as she scares me, now that I understand why and how I'm changing, I can deal with this situation better. And... That as much as Shiromoru is giving me a chance to talk to Raijin, I want to do something for her too.

"An odd request, seeing as how you clearly don't even want to be in the same room as that commoner... But very well." She nodded, giving the keys to the mage behind her and whispered something to her. She nodded and went inside the room.

"You really are so kind Nika... I'm so sorry for-'' Shukona started to apologize, sniffling while I shut her up by hugging her.

"Shut up. Don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong, I can tell you that. I am sorry instead for my behavior." Somehow, apologizing doesn't feel as bitter anymore. That urge to bite my tongue and hold all of my words back was gone, as if the pride I once had were washed away by my tears.

I'm proud of you, Nika. I told you, you can be someone who understands if you try.

I flinched at the sudden voice, not knowing that she could also speak here. You idiot, she could watch you, so she could also possibly give you a message too.

"Ni-nika-" Shukona whimpered, wrapping me up in a big and lifting me up. "Thank you. For not giving up, Nika, I'm so happy I fell in love with such a kindhearted girl like you." Shukona whispered sweet nothings into my ear, making my face melt into a flushed mess. Before I could speak, she dropped me gently, patting my head and with a smiling teared filled face she mumbled, "But I'm not going to stall you any longer, you want to make up with Raijin."

I stared up at her with a cherry face, the heat almost countering my ice exterior. I scoffed, shaking my head and folded my hands, "I don't deserve someone as sweet as you Shu, you're going to be happy with someone else. I think we both know that. You're more kind than I'll ever be, responsible, you're the ideal noble in my eyes. You're wonderful, more than I ever had been. You have no idea how much your presence has impacted my life, you have no idea how much you've saved me during the darkest moments of my life. Shukona," I took her hand, placed it on top of my cheek and for the first time, smiled out of pure joy, beaming with a grin, albeit being mixed up with guilt.

"You deserve so much more than you think you do. You deserve someone better than me. I'm not exaggerating, Shu, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I haven't given you the proper respect you deserve, and I truly apologize for that. Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over, and that wouldn't be enough for me." I continued to speak clearly, wanting to say the words I have been mulling over to say for years. I don't want to keep my pride if it hurts other people, I have seen how it has affected her and I don't want that to keep on happening. Especially if it's someone as close to her as Shukona.

"I'm putting Rai aside for a moment just to tell you, you're better than me. You deserve more, don't you dare think anything other than that." I spat out the words had been thinking of ever since she got hurt because of me. I don't deserve her unfiltered kindness when I'm this selfish. When I'm this bad of a person.

Her tears ceased, just wide eyes directed towards me. The grip on the palm on my cheeks became tighter, moving her hand behind my head and pulled me to her chest. She hugged my head, not saying anything yet I could understand that soft silence.

No words were said, just the gentle caress of her hands behind my head soothed all of the guilt that I had.

"Thank you for forgiving me."

"You were... Quite terrible to say the least, but those mistakes are what makes Nika, Nika."

"I love you, Shu. I mean it this time, not because of anything else in my head. Love is an understatement on how important you are as a friend to me." I gripped the back of her shirt, her landing her chin on top of my head.

"I'm happy to hear that." Shukona giggled, gently letting go of me, she patted me one last time and crouched to look at me eye to eye. "You better give Rai the passion you've always wanted to give him." She whispered to me.

"Her, actually." I mumbled inside her ear, which stopped her pats.

"What?" Despite only seeing her ears, I could tell from her voice that she was so confused I could feel the question marks around her face.

"I'll explain later, I don't want to hide anything anymore." I took a large step back, seeing the wide mouth and eyed Shukona. Raising an eyebrow, I knew she was about to say something but I cut her off with, "I don't want to hide any more secrets, Shu. And I understand that you are hiding something too, and I understand. But after this, can we be more transparent with each other?" I asked her. Shukona knowing about the masked girl was a large shock to me, and I even felt anger towards her. But now, I know that it's not that easy. There are some circumstances that would make hiding that fact from me a much better alternative than knowing.

I know how it is, but I'm still pissed.

"Ah... Yes, of course. But what do you mean by-"

Quit stalling.

"Right, sorry, I have to go." I gave a small nod towards everyone, softening my eyes before I ran outside.

I have no idea where she could be, where would be hiding. I know she wouldn't be in plain sight.

My shoes scraping against concrete turned into stomping on the soft ground, eyes darting around wanting to find that brunette girl in the large outside of the academy. The students watched over me, them starting to mumble something yet I couldn't hear them due to my panting and heartbeat.

How many minutes have I searched? How many hours? Frankly I don't know. But my mind didn't rest, I ran and lunged forward to continue my search.

How cold are you right now? How blue are you feeling right now? I can't get out of my head, the thought of you suffering alone chokes my heart. I couldn't breath, my face was tingling from the many tears on my face. The cold air covered my body as I ran, with each rhythm of my step bounced my hair, wind flowing behind my back.

I wanted to ask for help, I wanted to scream for you, but I won't beg the gods to let me find you.

I want to find you myself. To be the raging fire that gave me, to push forward without hesitation to come, with pure spite and anger at this situation I wanted to be by your side. I wanted to be the straightforward light that melted my frozen heart.

Almost slipping on my tears, I found her signature red cape pressed against a bench.

For a moment with my blurry vision, her figure was smaller, younger. I wanted to calmly walk towards her and hug her from behind the bench, but even my whining and sobs were heard.

"What the... Nika?"

The warmth of her voice was enough to evaporate my wails, using my sleeves to wipe out the remaining tears out of my face. She stood up and started to walk towards my direction, but I lifted my arms at her and yelled, "STOP! Stay there!" I choked out my frustrations, cracking my voice while I balled up my fists.

I don't want you to come for me again.

I want to be the one running towards you.

"Wh-? But, you're crying and-"

"I SAID, STAY." I yelled in a sharp exhale, standing straight and chin up. The bangs that covered my face no longer were in place, my pathetic snot filled rage expression was in full view. I sniffled one last time, speed walking towards her while trying to compose the emotional mess that I was.

I stood in front of her, glaring up when I noticed the arched eyebrows that she had, my face softened.

"I'm tired of everything, I want to give up."

"Nika?"

"I'm sorry for everything, for my shitty behavior, for my petty mind, just everything with me in general. I don't understand how you are still in love with me. I know who you truly want is Hameru, but I'm not her, I'm not the Hameru you love the most, I'm not the patient girl that would smile and comfort you all the way through, I'm not that girl. I'm not her." I started to rip my heart out, going back to my whimpering self despite my hardest to keep composure.

"I don't even know what place I have in this world, I can't really tell if I'm needed here, all I have done is hurt people."

"Nika, wait-"

"All I know is that I've really fallen hard for you. Not Hameru, not the real Nikami, but me. I've fallen for you. Even though I have no chance. I mean, I'm up against that girl! The girl who you have been longing for the longest time." I covered my face, tears of excruciating pain watered the grass below.

"I... I never thought about how much I have been hurting you, It never even crossed my mind! I love you, Rai... I'm... I'm just the worst aren't I? I... I don't deserve someone like you... So please, leave me. Go find someone else, be happy with them, spend time with them. And don't worry about me, I could deal with this, I'm going to be fine, it's Karma after all. I know you hate me, I deserve this, you deserve better. So, Goodbye, forever. Raijin Gakerumi." I bawled out while apologizing, the only composure left in me prevented me from just bowing down on the ground and screaming. The silence coming from her was my answer, I knew she hated me, who wouldn't after what I did? We keep fighting all the time, clearly, we aren't meant to be together.

"W-we can switch now, Shiromoru. I don't want to be in front of her right now." My head's splitting at this point, but nothing hurts more than the pain in my heart. It practically shattered whether I could do something or not.

Don't use me as a way to run away, coward.

"Wh-what?" The aggressiveness in her voice startled me, I haven't heard that much venom in her voice other than the time that she fought with me.

Nika, face the consequences of your actions, not only that, listen to her before you run away. We don't want another misunderstanding to happen, do we?

"Don't leave me."

"...What?"

"Not now. Whoever you are talking to, that curse or who, don't let her. I beg of you, from the bottom of my heart." The smoke that was coming out of her mouth surrounded me, lifting my head up to see that she was tearing up as well.

"I forgive you. We both can learn from our past mistakes, together, hand in hand we can be better together. We can learn from each other and grow!" She took my hand, interlocking it with hers and gave a teethy goofy grin in tears, "As a couple, a real couple this time. If it makes you feel better, hello! See? Goodbyes always end with greetings, I love you, Nikami Shiromoru." She took my waist and hugged me, the cold thoughts were overrun with intense warmth that I didn't know I could feel.

Despite that warmth being comfortable, something lit it up that made me burn myself, that gas that had been unknowingly spilling in the depths of my heart.

"No no, you... You don't love ME, you don't love who I am, you..." I froze, not getting the proper words out my mouth to explain and pushed her away,

"You love Hameru. Not me."