SOMEWHERE ON THE PATH - Redania
"Well, that was not expected.." Gabriel admitted trying to catch his breath.
Ciri was just staring at him unbelievably. She couldn't understand how the hell he was still alive. He jumped to the side at the last possible second and then gave the monster final blow, otherwise he would be lying in the blood right know. That monster's hit would kill him for sure..
She came back to the mind. "Not expected? I'll tell you what was not expected. Your hesitation." Her eyes filled anger.
His face changed. It was more uncertain now. "Everybody hesitates sometimes." He swiped away the sweat from his forehead.
She came closer to him. "Not like that. That hesitation almost cost your life Gabriel." She was serious.
"I'm not perfect Cirilla. I also do mistakes."
"Are you injured?" she asked him with softer voice. She already knew his style of fighting, so she quickly noticed when something changed in his movement.
"Why do you think that?"
She didn't want to give up, but this time she was more strict. "Are you injured Gabriel?"
He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I got injured month ago, but it's nothing serious."
She narrowed her eyes. "Stop lying to me."
"I'm not lying to you."
In that moment she did the lunge with her sword towards him. He managed to move away his body, but he sighed painfully. His face started getting pale.
She raised her eyebrow. "You call that nothing serious?"
"It wasn't serious.." Gabriel protested and sighed painfully again.
"But it is now." She stated.
"You should stop dealing with things which are not in your business." He told her strictly.
She couldn't hold it in herself. Not anymore. Her feelings got out. "You know what? Go to the hell. I have enough of it. Enough of your secrets and lies!" She said with anger in her voice. "You will finally tell me the truth or we two are done." She warned him.
If he was surprised by her reaction he didn't show it on himself.
His eyes got darker. "I have my reasons."
"But I want to know them." She said also with the frustration now.
"And then you won't be able to look me in my eyes again? Hell no."
She stepped even closer to him. She was so close that she could feel him breathing. "Why are you doing it? Why are you always trying to suppress your emotions or your feelings?"
"I don't want you to know those things about me! Why you can't understand it?" Gabriel almost growled.
"I would understand it if I would know the whole truth about you."
His eyes changed. It were also filled with sadness, not just the anger. "Some things are better when it stays buried."
She looked at him with disappointment. "I'm just trying to help you. If you would let me to.."
He interrupted her angrily. "I don't need your help."
She was staring at him without a word couple of seconds, then she answered. "Fine, as you wish." She turned around and started walking away from him.
He started fighting with himself. He knew he should tell her the truth. He should tell her who he really was. Because this was the moment from where was no comeback. If he won't tell her now, then he won't be able to tell her this ever again..
"Do you really wish to know?"
She stopped walking, but she didn't turn or say anything to him.
"You want to know what is my problem?" His voice almost failed him.
She slowly turned to him. "Yes, I do Gabriel." She was honest.
He took a deep breath. "I turned everything off.." He paused. "I lost humanity in myself and I miss it." He sighed.
Ciri didn't say anything. She noticed pain in his words, but she let him to deal with his emotions by his own.
Gabriel tried to continue calmly. "I miss it more than anything in the world. This is my secret. But there's only so much hurt a man could take. I can't be what other people want me to be." He paused again. "What you want me to be.." He lowered his eyes.
She got surprised by his words, but she didn't show it on herself.
She stepped closer to him. "I don't want to change you. I've never wanted it." She said with softer voice. "I just want to help you to deal with your emotions. To help you with your pain."
His eyes filled frustration. "Nobody can help me." He looked straight into her eyes. "Neither you."
"If you would let me to get closer to you.." She was surprised she told him this loudly. But she continued anyway. "Then I could help you."
Now he stepped closer to her. "No, you don't understand." He shakes his head. "My life is filled only with the darkness." He lowered his voice. "I'm a darkness." He almost whispered.
Ciri froze for a moment. Because it was the same words which Matthew has told her. He was warning her before it.
Gabriel gave her sad look. "That's why we can't be friends Cirilla.."
Her knees almost broke in that moment. Only years of hard training stopped her body from laying on the ground. Her mind started racing. So, this was how it's gonna end? Everything what they've been through together will just go to waste? Their friendship will end because he was bad for her? She thought. She didn't know what to do. She knew he wasn't a good person. But she saw something in him which nobody has seen. That crazy spark which was making her alive and thrilled every time she was with him. Maybe he gave it up with her, but she wasn't ready to give up with him.
She looked straight into his eyes. "I'm the one who will decide who is bad for me. Not you Gabriel."
"Then I will leave from you."
It wasn't her mind which protested in that moment, but her heart. "But I won't let you." She said with frustration, she didn't care that she showed him what she feels to him. Now it didn't matter. He was her friend and she didn't want to let him go.. not now. Never. But until now she never realized it..
"I have to leave Cirilla." He sighed. "I don't want to leave Oxenfurt. I don't even want to leave you.." In that moment something pinched him into his heart. But he managed to continue somehow. "But I admit I'm just the same as I was. Don't you understand?" The light from his eyes disappeared "That I'm never changing who I am? I will never change."
Her eyes changed. "I said I won't let you go."
He went closer to her. "You have to, because you deserve better princess." He caressed her face.
She puzzled. His touch was cold as his eyes.
"You deserve much more.."
She shakes her head. "No.." she was trying to hold her tears. She knew she had to look silly but she didn't care. She somehow needed him in her life and he was doing everything else to ran away from her.
"I don't deserve you, but Matthew does." Gabriel was honest.
"What does that have to do with it?" She was confused and frustrated at the same time.
He smiled slightly. "Everything.." He didn't care he just told her what he feels to her, because everything what mattered for him in that moment was her well being. "You're the good and I needed this little good in my life because without it, there is an awful lot of darkness." he softly caressed her face again. "But now it's time to move on."
"Stop with it." The tear rolled down her face.
Gabriel looked at her sadly. He didn't want to get her sad. He swiped away the tear from her cheek. "I'm heading for hell and I don't want to drag you down with me." he took a deep breath. "It's the best time to say goodbye."
She wished she heard him wrong. She really wished. Now her emotions completely absorbed her.
"No, it's not!" She said with tears in her eyes. She didn't know why the hell she started crying at first place, but now she didn't care about it because she needed to told him this. "I don't care that you're selfish, emotionless idiot who doesn't care about anything else than himself. But I mind when you're pushing away people who cares about you!" She raised his voice.
He got surprised by her words, but instead he answered with irritation. "I need to push people away from me. I've done things which I will regret for the rest of my fucking life. I'm murderer!" He raised his voice. "I'm killing people for fuck sake!"
Ciri's face froze for a moment. Then she looked at him with fear and disgust at the same time. "Why are you killing people Gabriel?"
His face was suddenly like a stone. He realized what he said loud.
"That's not how you think it is.."
She stepped closer to him. "How can you be apologizing such an awful thing like killing?" Her eyes filled anger.
"Because I have no other choice!" Gabriel almost yelled. Then he lowered his voice. "At least not now.."
"Oh my God.." She realized it. "You are behind those murders in Oxenfurt? Aren't you?"
He squeezed his fists. The anger started boiling in his veins. But he managed to answer without emotions. "Yes, I am." But the truth was he was so embarrassed. This was something what he never wanted to tell her, what he never wanted to show her.. because then she will know it. She will know the real him. And this scared him.
She stepped away from him.
"Ciri.." He leaned to catch her hand, but she moved away from him.
"Stay away from me." She warned him.
He sighed. "You don't get it.."
"Yes, Gabriel I don't get it. Sorry, I don't understand why you're killing innocent people." She said with disgust.
He looked to the side, so she wouldn't see his face. "After Coën died, I got lost. I used to take drugs and drinking the pain away. I have no one left in this world. Everybody left me here behind.. " He paused. "I also started playing cards and I lost lot of money. I had a debt and I needed to find a way how to pay for it. So, I started killing monsters for money.." He lowered his eyes. "But it wasn't enough and I took contracts also on murders." He swallowed. "And then the killing completely absorbed me. I started liking it. Taking life from people was bringing me joy and satisfaction. I could release the hatred and pain inside me.." He paused. He didn't get the courage to look at her. He didn't want to see her frighten face.
He continued with lowered voice. "Killing people and monsters became my job and then I met Joshua.." He took a deep a breath. "He liked my skills and offered me to join his group. I didn't know he was the witcher back then, but I needed a money, so I said yes. That's how I became a witcher from School of Cat."
Ciri's face froze again. Then she tried to ask him without trembling in her voice. "You're.. a Cat?"
Gabriel dared to look now into her eyes. "I was a Cat. I belonged to School of Cat for six years, but I left from them two years ago."
Ciri's mind started racing. She was searching for words.
Gabriel knew what she wanted to ask. "I left because of my personal life. I needed a change.." he hesitated. "A new start."
Ciri noticed he silenced something. She wondered what. But she let him to speak.
"I moved to Oxenfurt, but it didn't take too long when I've started playing cards again and also lost again. I owed lot of money and I didn't have any coins. I was so desperate.." He sighed. "I didn't know if it was faith or bad luck, but I met Joshua again who told me he knows a guy who can borrow me money." He looked at her sadly. "That's why I'm killing now, because I owe money to Lehart and those murders for him are my debt." He explained.
Her face got almost white. "What did you say?"
He gave her confused look. "That those murders are my debt.."
She wasn't one hundred percent sure, because he should be dead, but maybe he survived it.. Then everything would make a perfect sense. "Not this. Tell me that name again." She almost commanded him.
"He's name is Lehart." Gabriel answered still confused.
She started breathing slowly. "What does he look like?"
"Like a witcher, but now he's using stick. I heard he got seriously injured."
She wanted to vomit in that moment. Then her voice filled anger. "You traitor. You betrayed us!" She raised her voice.
"What the fuck are you talking about? I would never betray you." Gabriel was defending himself.
She took her sword and she was ready to attack him if it would be necessary. "You don't fucking get it? You're working for Leo Bonhart!" She was yelling at him. This was literally a dagger into her back from him.
He smirked. "I don't know who the hell is Leo Bonhart."
"You don't know it you poor angel?" Ciri laughed sarcastically. Then her face changed to serious. "Leo Bonhart is working for Rience. That Rience who cursed Yennefer and almost killed Geralt! That Rience who wants to kill us all!" she spill it into his face.
Gabriel stayed puzzled. Now he understood her reaction.
He looked at her with disappointment in his eyes. "I didn't know that Cirilla.. I.."
She interrupted him. "I don't believe you. I don't believe you anymore Gabriel. Not after your lies." She was trying to hold her tears. He betrayed her. Her friend betrayed her and she couldn't take it.. it was too painful for her.
"I'm not lying to you, not now." He stepped closer to her.
She had fear in her eyes. "You're a traitor."
He did another step towards her. "I've never betrayed you. I would never did it to you."
"I don't believe you. You're just a liar.." she shakes her head. She wanted to stepped away backwards, but in that moment he appeared so close to her that she didn't manage to stop him when he disarmed her and then spread his arms around her.
"Let me go." She started hitting him into his chest.
He squeezed her more in the hug.
She raised her intensity of hitting his chest. He let her to do it.
"Let me go you liar!" her voice failed her. She was not too far from crying into his arms.
"I didn't betray you." Gabriel told her calmly.
She was like in shock. "You're just a liar.." she continued in hitting him.
Suddenly he caught her chin and raised it. He looked straight into her eyes. "I didn't betray you or your family. I really didn't know he is working for Rience." He was honest.
Ciri just blinked.
But all she could do in that moment was just staring into his eyes.
He softly pulled away his hand from her chin. "I'm telling you the truth Ciri."
Her face changed to emotionless. "Fine." She pulled away from his hug. Even if her mind wanted to believe him, her heart was still broken. He lied to her. He betrayed her and that was something she couldn't forgive him. Now now, but maybe never.
She looked at him with cold eyes. "If you really want me to believe that you didn't know Bonhart, then tell me the real reason why you left from the School of Cat." She was serious. She knew he was hiding something again.
His eyes got darker. "No."
"Tell me the reason or we two are done for real." This was her last warning to him.
"No, do not force me to say it." He told her with irritation.
"Then we're done Gabriel." She meant it.
He started to be frustrated. "Choose something different. I will tell you anything, just not this. Please.." his voice failed.
Ciri got scared for a moment. How awful thing he did that he was scared to tell her? But she won't step back now. He deserved this because of his lies.
"Say it or I'm leaving." She stated without emotions.
"Fuck.." Gabriel nervously caught his head with his hands. He didn't want to lose her, but he didn't wan to even tell her this..
He started heavily breathing. "Fuck." his whole body was almost trembling.
Ciri looked at him uneasily. This got too far. She wanted him to suffer, but she didn't want this. He didn't deserve this, no matter what he did. No matter what he caused.
She told him with softer voice. "Gabe.. you don't have to.."
He interrupted her. "Anger and hatred blinded me.. " His voice trembled. "I remember the expression in her eyes." he lowered his eyes. "That fear and disgust.. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to ever happen.." He raised his eyes on her which were now filled with the tears.
Ciri's heart almost broke in that moment. She's never seen him crying. She's never thought he can be able to be so vulnerable. She started feeling bad. She caused it. She forced him to talk about his worst trauma.
Gabriel swallowed. "I hope the memory of those eyes will stop me from making a similar mistake."
She looked at him sadly. "What was her name?" She didn't know why she asked him this loud, but now she couldn't take it back.
Gabriel's face froze. He managed to open his mouth, but he got stuck.
Ciri in that moment caught his hand. "It's okay Gabriel."
He squeezed her hand. He needed her touch to calm himself down. "Her name was Rose." His voice trembled again.
She nodded.
He swallowed. "I was behaving like a conceited fool in that period of time. I felt like an untouchable hero. I had everything. Money, respect and every woman which I wanted. I was drinking a lot. It didn't pass a day when I didn't drink something.." He paused. "But I somehow met Rose. She was so good to me.. I was a better person with her. I very liked her and for me still misunderstood reasons she liked me too." He squeezed her hand more.
Ciri understood. The worst part was coming.
"One evening she came after me. I was drinking that day, but I wasn't drunk. My mind was clear. I was sitting to the table and writings some notes. She came to me with the small spark in her eyes, but her face looked desperate. I knew something happened. Then she told me.." He lowered his eyes. "She told me she was pregnant." He paused. "And I hit her." He started trembling. "I got so angry and scared at the same time, that I forgot control my emotions. I hit her so strong that she fell down to the floor. And then I noticed it.." His voice failed him. "I noticed blood on the floor. She miscarried." He sobbed loudly. "You should have see her look.." also his voice was trembling. "Nobody has ever look at me that way.. with so much fear and hatred."
She hugged him.
She didn't know why she did it. She knew what he did couldn't be just apologized. But she didn't know why, but she felt a certain need to comfort him in that moment.
Gabriel's whole body was trembling. He almost dig his fingers into her back. "And on the other day.. " he paused. "On the other day Rose took her own life." He started crying. "I killed them. I fucking killed them. I killed Rose and my own child.." His voice failed.
Ciri was trying to hold her tears. She felt his pain. She didn't want to even imagine what he was going through..
She squeezed him more. "It's okay.."
He almost whispered. "No, it's not.. and it never will be okay." he said with a shame. "I'm a fucking monster."
She pulled away from him and took his face into hers hands.
He was staring at her with tears in his eyes.
"Listen to me, you can't change the past and what happened. This is not how it works. But no matter how painful scars you have inside you, no matter if they refuse to heal, you can't allow those scars to break you. Never." She softly caressed his hair with one hand. "Neither you nor I can just forget who we are. We can't kill our feelings or the pain which we carry in our hearts. Our best chance is to kill that hatred and pain that we may hold onto and move on." She swiped away his tear with her thumb.
"But I can't forget or move on Ciri.." His eyes filled sadness. "I just can't.. it's not possible."
She slightly caressed her face. "I know you can't, but you have to Gabriel."
The tears started rolling down his face again. "I've never told this to anyone. Nobody knew about it till.." He lowered his head. "You're the only one who knows."
She was glad her knees didn't broke in that moment.
She tried to answer him calmly even if she was fighting with her own emotions. "And I know you regret it. All of it. I see how it's killing you. Maybe you think you can't change, but today you've made a huge step forward Gabriel." Her mouth shivered into little small. "You faced your worst trauma, your worst nightmare. And you know what? Change always begins far from the bottom of your comfort zone. Maybe you think you haven't change anything, but I already see you in different light." She was honest. It was true what she told him. Now his behavior made sense. All his secrets and lies made sense. He was afraid to show it to the world because he thought the world would condemn him for his sins. He even thought this about her.. Her heart wanted to explode.
For the first time since his breakdown he smiled. It was barely a smile, but still a smile. "Thank you."
Suddenly his knees buckled. She managed to catch him before he would fall to the ground. She helped him to lay down to the ground. She looked at him worried.
He understood. "That's alright. I just got exhausted emotionally."
She didn't believe him, she knew it was also because of his injury, but she didn't want to argue with him again. "You should rest." She stood up and went towards the horse's bag. She returned back with blanket in her hands.
Then she lay down next to him and covered both of them with the blanket.
The sun was getting down.
"I will stay awake and watch over." Gabriel told her.
She slowly turned to him. Now they were facing each other. "No, you should sleep. You're tired."
"Ciri.."
She interrupted him. "Don't talk anymore." She snuggled closer to him and put her head on his chest.
Gabriel got surprised, but he didn't say anything.
After a while he put his arms around her.
And she let him.
She didn't protest or scold him. She felt safe and calm in his arms and this she needed the most now. She didn't want to think about those awful things he told her, about which she still didn't know how she will accept them. She didn't want think about consequences which their argument or this intimacy caused or will cause.
Their relationship will change for sure after today. But now she didn't want to think about it. She just wanted to be in his arms. Nothing more.
Gabriel closed his eyes.
After a while she noticed he started peacefully breathing.
She smiled a bit. Because she knew he finally fell asleep.