Chapter 1: What could have been

Author's note: This story is a reflection of real-life struggles—a journey through heartbreak, betrayal, and the harsh reality of how our actions can deeply affect others. It serves as a reminder that love is not always about fleeting emotions, but about commitment, understanding, and respect. The narrative sheds light on how unhealed wounds can push us to hurt the very people who once became our safe place.

To anyone reading this, may this story remind you to value those who love you genuinely. Healing takes time, and sometimes the best way to cope is not to seek temporary comfort from others, but to confront the battles within.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I stood in front of our door. Life lately had been exhausting. My body craved rest, but my mind resist.

My thoughts were in chaos—wanting to rest, but not knowing where or to whom. I longed for someone to listen to the unsaid words screaming in my mind—someone who would understand without judgment. But I was afraid. Afraid that if I opened up, they'd grow tired of me, just like everyone else. Afraid they wouldn't believe I was truly exhausted.

I wiped my tears before entering the house, already expecting the cold welcome.

"What's wrong with you, Dave? Bakit ganito yung grades mo? Pinag-aaral ka namin sa magandang eskwelahan para bigyan ka ng maayos na buhay, pero anong ibinabalik mo sa amin?! Tingnan mo yung mga pinsan mo—lahat achievers! Kagaya ka rin ng papa mo, sakit sa ulo!"

I looked at my mother's eyes—filled with anger and disappointment. But beneath that anger, I could see something else. The bitterness she held for my father. She wouldn't admit it, but I could feel it. Her resentment wasn't just about my grades—it was about him.

I wanted to tell her that I failed not because I was lazy, but because their separation broke me. I wanted to scream that I was carrying the weight of their ruined marriage. But I didn't.

"Ma, pahinga muna tayo... pagod po tayong dalawa."

I walked away without uttering another word, locking myself in my room. I threw my bag onto the bed, punched the wall until my knuckles bled, and collapsed on the floor—silent screams buried in my chest.

I hated my father. I hated how he pretended to be the perfect family man while breaking my mom's heart behind closed doors. I promised myself I would never become like him.

The next day, I found myself on the school rooftop, smoking a cigarette to numb the pain. I barely noticed someone sitting beside me until she sighed loudly.

"Nag-yoyosi ka pala?"

It was Lavender—one of my batchmates, she was also a Marine Transportation student. She was the type of person who could light up anyone with her laughter. We weren't close, and I never expected to see someone like her skipping class.

"That's how I cope," I muttered.

I was about to light another cigarette when I realized I had already run out. She noticed it right away. To my surprise, she reached into her pocket and handed me something. Snowber candies.

"It's not a cigarette... pero pareho lang ang effect sa lalamunan."

I stared at the candies in my palm, puzzled by the small yet unexpected act of kindness.

"Thanks... I appreciate it."

She just smiled.

For the first time in a long while, someone noticed. Someone cared.

"Why are you here, by the way? It's class hour, isn't it?" I asked curiously.

"The instructor sent me out—couldn't handle how noisy I was," she replied, laughing.

I looked at her in amusement. Despite whatever problems she might be facing, she still managed to laugh.

"How do you do that?" I asked, puzzled.

"Do what?" she asked back, genuinely clueless.

"How do you manage to laugh even when you're dealing with problems?"

She looked at me, confused. A few moments passed before she finally understood what I meant.

"That's how I cope. Life's too short to dwell on problems," she answered with a smile.

I simply nodded and shifted my gaze back to the horizon.

"Do you really hurt yourself?"

Her question caught me off guard. I glanced at her, following her gaze to my bruised knuckles. For a few minutes, I stayed silent, unsure of what to say.

"What happened, Dave? I've noticed you've been coming to class inattentive. "

I let out a deep sigh as a familiar tightness built up in my chest. No one had asked how I was lately.

"You'll just get bored hearing my story," I muttered with a bitter smile.

"Do I need to be entertained by your story? You can vent freely—I won't judge."

Her response left me stunned. I'd met many people, thinking they were my people—but they weren't.

I didn't plan to open up, but the words tumbled out on their own. I told her about my father. About my mother's anger. About the heaviness I carried every single day.

She listened. No judgment, no unsolicited advice—just silence and a tissue in hand.

"Alam mo, yung pag-iyak... reward 'yan," she said softly. "You've been in chaos lately. Deserve mong ilabas lahat ng hinanakit mo."

And I did.

I cried in front of someone I barely knew—something I never thought I'd do.

Days turned into weeks, and Lavender's presence became my safe place. She painted colors into my black-and-white life. When sadness knocked on my door, she welcomed me with a smile. She listened to my rants—over and over—without complaint.

"I've never felt this way before," I told her one night as we stared at the stars. "You're the person I want to see at the aisle."

She laughed, thinking I was joking.

"Bulero."

"I'm serious."

She fell silent, her eyes searching mine.

"I had no trust in men... I thought all men were the same." She smirked. "Prove me wrong, Dave."

"I will."

We built something beautiful.

She became my greatest supporter. I became an achiever again because of her. Our love was the kind that didn't need grand gestures—just presence, just understanding.

But happiness has a way of slipping through your fingers.

By our second year, her parents transferred her to a prestigious university in Cagayan de Oro to pursue her dream course—Psychology. We tried the long-distance setup, but slowly, the spark faded.

Arguments became more frequent. I grew distant. I told myself it was better to let go, but I couldn't find the courage to break her heart.

One night, I was walking alone when I bumped into someone at the boulevard.

"Thea?"

I called out her name. She froze for a moment, trying to process who I was. Then, a familiar smile broke across her face.

"Omg! Dave, ikaw pala 'yan! How are you?"

"I'm good. Ikaw, kamusta?"

"m also good, Dave."

Her voice carried the same warmth I remembered.

"Bakit ka mag-isa? Bakit hindi mo kasama yung girlfriend mo? Sino nga ulit yon... Lavender?" she asked, firing questions one after another.

"Matagal na kaming wala." I lied, my voice steady.

She fell silent for a moment.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Dave."

I quickly shifted the topic. "Wala ka bang kasama?"

"Nope, I'm alone."

"Let's go for a walk?"I offered, and without hesitation, she agreed.

Hours passed without me even noticing. I found myself lost in Thea's presence — the same presence I once cherished. She was my ex, two years younger than me, but somehow it felt like no time had passed.

When I got home, I checked my phone — dozens of missed calls from Lavender.

"Love, I'm so tired from school po."

"How was your day po ba?"

I left her messages unread. Instead, I texted Thea, thanking her for the time we spent together. She replied almost instantly. We continued chatting late into the night, making me forget about Lavender.

Another message popped up from Lavender:

"Love, are you busy? Bakit delivered lang yung mga messages ko po? I'm so sleepy na po love."

Guilt tugged at me, but I quickly replied:

"Marami lang ginagawa sa school, love."

Her response was understanding, as always.

"I understand, love."

"Love, uuwi ako bukas. Date tayo?"

Wasn't she tired of always making plans for us? If I were her, I would've given up already.

The next morning, Lavender arrived earlier than expected. She went straight to my room and lay beside me, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I found myself hugging her back — out of instinct, not affection.

"I miss you so much, love!" Her voice was filled with longing.

"I miss you too, love." I leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

"I'm really sorry po kung ang dami nating hindi pagkakaunawaan lately. Despite that, thank you for still treating me right po."

Her words cut through me like a blade. The guilt I'd been suppressing clawed its way up, leaving me breathless. I was betraying her, lying to her face.

I lost interest in us, but I couldn't afford to lose her. Yet, I couldn't let go of the connection I had with Thea. I knew Lavender and I were bound to fall apart — it was only a matter of time.

As for Thea... there was still a chance we'd find our way back to each other.

Everything happened as I feared. I kept on lying just to keep them both — torn between the familiarity of Lavender and the rekindled spark with Thea. I was drowning in confusion until I finally decided to let go of Lavender.

Whenever she opened up about how my behavior affected her, I always took it as an argument, pushing us into endless fights.

"Love, I need space. I feel like I've lost the spark in our relationship. I promise, love, I'll be back once everything is fine."

I messaged her, hoping it would somehow ease the burden weighing heavily on my chest.

"Love, I don't get it. We can work together to bring back the spark. Don't tell me you only love me when it's convenient for you. What if the spark never comes back? Does that mean you won't come back either?"

Her reply flashed on my screen, but I left it unread. I couldn't give her the answers she deserved.

Instead, I went out with Thea. We were both part of a dance organization in our city. After practice, we'd stroll under the city lights, the late-night breeze wrapping around us. With Thea, I felt happy again — as if the weight of everything was lifted.

Despite everything, Lavender still kept checking on me — sending messages, begging me to fix us. She was holding on, completely unaware of the betrayal I was hiding.

That lie became a thread I kept pulling, tangled between two women. Lavender begged me to stay, while I sought comfort in Thea's presence.

I thought I was in control. I thought I could keep them both.

Until the day Lavender saw us—my hand intertwined with Thea.

Her smile disappeared the moment her eyes met mine.

She didn't cry. She didn't scream.

She just walked away—taking the last piece of warmth in my life with her.

I never heard from Lavender again.

Not a single message. No calls.

Months turned into years, but the guilt never left me.

I tried to find her, but she had vanished—leaving no trace behind.

One afternoon, I was sitting by the rock formations near the sea when I saw her again.

But she wasn't the Lavender I once knew.

She was smoking a cigarette—the same way I used to.

Her eyes were hollow, cold. The girl who used to light up my darkest days have gone.

I called her name.

"Lavender..."

She didn't even flinch.

It was then I realized—I hadn't just lost her.

I killed her.

I killed the sweetest, most caring woman I'd ever known.

And in the end...

I became the man I swore I'd never be.