Farrah's eyes fluttered open as she heard soft knocks on her room door. "Knock, knock," Farrah heard Charlie say softly as she rapped on her room door gently. "Farrah," she heard Charlie calling, "You alright in there, babe?"
Clearing her throat, Farrah called out, "Yeah, alright. Come on in." Farrah sank back into her pillows and got comfortable. "What's the time now?" she asked Charlie, her voice still heavy with sleep.
"It's 5 to 8pm," Charlie said frowning as she lay on the bed next to Farrah. Looking over Charlie saw Farrah was still laying on her back, her face towards the ceiling with her eyes closed. "Hey, you asleep again?"
"No," Farrah mumbled. "Just tired."
"Have you spoken to Richard yet?" Charlie asked, as she curled her body towards Farrah, looking at her.
"Charlie...tell me about Ben," Farrah said softly as she turned her body towards Charlie. "I feel like I've been such a shit friend lately; I've been busy with work and my own issues. We haven't really had the time to talk," Both women smiling softly at each other. Farrah could clearly see the happiness radiating of her friend and she was in awe at how light her friend looked. There was a different spark, a new type of confidence in Charlie's eyes.
"God, where do I start Farrah? You know how I feel about proper relationships. I've just been absolutely terrified of them.One night stands are easy, the expectation is minimal and there is no emotions involved. I don't have to worry about more. I always do my head in; thinking about the possibilities â like what if in a relationship a man can't handle my bad days, or what if I have a panic attack and he won't know what to do. Oh Lord, and the worst of it all; what if after experiencing all the bad days, and the low days, and the anxiety ridden hours, that a man wouldn't want to be with me anymore. And these thoughts just make my anxiety about relationships even worse."
Farrah watched as Charlie closes her eyes and exhales harshly.
"I've been in that position once before. Before I met you, it was in hospitality school and this boy, Max, just couldn't understand how I could be this big personality, the life of the party one minute and then completely retreat into myself the second we are alone. He didn't understand why there were days that no matter what I did, all I could do was cry. Cry and cry until my eyeballs got numb because bad thoughts kept swirling like a whirpool in my head. Mind you this was all before I went and got help."
Charlie's eyes blurred as her voice caught. She shifted and she laid on her back trying to blink back the tears. Farrah silently and motionlessly, let her tears fall as she listened to Charlie take deep calming breathes.
"He just didn't get it. He constantly made me feel like I was being dramatic, or paranoid, or just an attention-seeking bitch. That there was never anything wrong with me, it was just my attitude. And God, did I believe that and hate myself. I would have these huge feelings or reactions to things and situations and then I'd have to hold them back. And that just fucked me up even more. The last straw was when I couldn't stop crying during sex. He literally left me as I was bawling my eyes out, naked in my room. He said, 'it was a shame that I was mental, because I was a real stunner'. It was a shame that I was mental."
"I really need to punch this Max kid," Farrah said as Charlie took a pause. Farrah wiped her tears with the sleeves of her sweatshirt, running it over her nose as well.
"Well, that was the day that I went and got proper help. So not only does he deserve a punch, he also deserves a thank you from me. He made me, in a really bad way mind you, realise that something was truly wrong with me. And I took that to heart and went and sought help," Charlie said breathing in deeply.
"With Ben, everything is just so fuckin' easy. The bad days, the low days, the dark days; he's just there with me. On the good days, the okay days, the normal days; he's still the same â there for me. I am going to sound sappy as fuck but he's my lighthouse in the shitstorm that is my depression. He's the calm to my rage, he's the level headed to my crazy â holy shit, he's the ying to my yang!" Charlie exclaimed with wide-eyed wonder as she looked at Farrah.
Farrah couldn't stop the giggle that bubbled forward and once Farrah had started, Charlie couldn't keep her own giggles at bay. Both women were reduced to tears in their fits of giggles. "Oh God," Charlie said sighing, "I haven't laughed like that in a long time. I have missed you, babe."
At that, Farrah scooted over and draped her arm over Charlie. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "If it's any consolation I've missed you heaps."
Sighing, Charlie patted Farrah's arm, "I feel like we don't talk anymore. The both of us are busy, but we just stopped talking when before this, we made an effort to call, or have quick catch ups. It's been ages since we talked like this. Why is that?" Farrah felt Charlie shift.
"I'm sorry," Farrah whispered again.
"What for?" Charlie asked.
"Ever since you and Ben, I feel like I can't trust you. It's like everything I say will somehow reach Richard, and it's disarming as fuck," Farrah whispered fiercely her eyes watering again.
"Okay, sit up. We need to have a serious talk," Charlie said. Both women sat up on the bed, cross-legged and faced each other.
"You're right. I do tell Ben and Richard some things about you, but I swear that it's only things that I feel that Richard needs to know. He's head over heels for you, and you'd be blind not to see it," Charlie said seriously. "You have a man, literally on his knees for you yet you walk away to meet some man who was 'matched' with you. How does that even make any sense?"
When, Farrah casted her eyes away from Charlie and kept silent, Charlie huffed and continued, "When are you going to accept that this man is in love with you? And that you quite possibly feel the same way about him?"
Farrah swallowed the lump in her throat, desperately trying not to cry again. It was bad enough that she almost lost it in front of Saif today. She had blurted so many things out to a man that she didn't even know. Why, couldn't she do that now? Taking a shaky breath, Farrah tried to find her words.
"It's terrifying Charlie. All the feelings, it's bloody terrifying. If he wasn't who he is, if he wasn't a prince; I would probably give it a bit more of a chance. But he is. He is a prince. Someone who attends mass, fuck; it's his royal duty to attend mass. How am I; a practising Muslim, supposed to fit into his life? What will he do Charlie, will he convert to marry me? Fuck, will he even want to marry me when he realises all the things he will have to give up? His titles? His royal duties? He will have to stop drinking, stop eating pork, he will need to learn how to read the Quran, he will need to learn how to pray, and oh God, I can't even..." Farrah trailed as she let the tears that she was holding back fall. Wiping her face harshly, she took deep shuddering breaths.
"Oh sweetheart, why don't you let him decide all this? He is a grown man who can make decisions for himself," Charlie said gently.
"And what if, after I allow my heart to get involved in this; after I allow myself to free-fall in this, he doesn't want me and everything that comes with it? I...I...," Farrah sobbed.
Hugging her friend tight, Charlie brushed Farrah's hair, "Sweetie, there is a chance of heartbreak with any man that your heart beats a beat harder for. There is no guarantee in the matters of the heart sweetie, and you know it. You could be with a devout Muslim and he could still break your heart," Charlie said soothingly. "I don't want to believe that you think pious devotees are better than us normal people, because they aren't. No one has the right to judge who is good or bad; the same way as no one can predict the outcome of the future. Nothing is up to us, remember what you say: Insha Allah, God willing right?"
Farrah felt her friends comfort and support and the tears fell freely, and her tongue loosened up more, "It's not only that. I feel like I'm disappointing my mum. She always said never to fall in love with a gora, and here I am doing exactly that. I feel like I am disrespecting her memory, because that is all I have of her. Her memories. The things she thought me. The things she has said to me. That's all I have left of her. And if I do it, after everything, I still find it in me to be with Richard and it fails, it'll destroy me Charlie," Farrah sobbed.
"Do you honestly think that your Mum, bless her soul, is happy right now to see you like this? To see you so torn up over this? To see you choose your heart or compromise on your heart? Do you think she would be happy to see you live a whole life full of compromises? Because sweetie trust me, the moment you compromise with your heart it will never end. And instead of risking a chance with love, you'd be risking your entire life, your happiness. No one wants to be the bearer of a life lived in bitterness and unhappiness, no one. And if you compromise, you will be just that â bitter and unhappy. This man, who is so in love with you, patiently waiting for you to give him a chance; he'll be nothing but a regret, a what-if," Charlie said, tears sliding down her cheeks, as she rubbed Farrah's back reassuringly. "And sweetie, you don't want to spend the rest of your life thinking, 'what if'."
Rubbing her nose with the sleeves of her sweatshirt, Farrah nodded. Charlie's words sinking deep into her heart and settling at the bottom. What. If. Two simple words that if put together it made one of the most inundating thoughts anyone could have. What if, what if, what if.
The sound of the doorbell, broke both women out of their reverie. Both women looked at each other; tear stained cheeks, red eyes and noses; "Don't we make a pretty picture?" Charlie said with a small laugh. The doorbell rang again and Charlie got up, "It's probably Ben with dinner. I figured that you were tired, so I got Ben to bring some dinner in instead."
As Charlie got up to open the door, Farrah caught Charlie's hand halting her movements, "You are the most amazing person that I know, Charlie. Ben is a lucky arse."
Shrugging, and with a smile that pretty much overtook her face; Charlie said, "I know."
***
A conversation heavy chapter guys. And it's also minimally edited, so please bear with me.
Oh God, I have to say once again that 'The Segment' has somehow reached 1K reads and it's all thanks to you lot who read, the silent readers, the voters, the commentors. Thank you from the depths of my heart. It means so much, like I've said before we all write to be read. So thank you for reading!
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