(Unedited - Please read chapter 45 first)
There was a heavy silence in her office, and the air felt stifling. It seems that spring was already officially here as Farrah felt the heat rise in the confines of her office. Very slowly and sluggishly, almost like moving underwater, Farrah sat down in one the chairs in front of her desk. Her head was bowed and her fingers were tangled in knots in the ends of her jet black hair.
Kneeling on the floor in front of her, Saif looked up at her and said hoarsely; "Farrah, kuch toh kay..." (Farrah, say something)
"I don't know what to say," she said quietly, averting his gaze. The quiet that surrounded them was a complete contrast to the cacophony of noise and feelings whirling throughout her entire body. He heart was slamming against her chest, so thunderous the sound that her entire head was pounding in synchrony. There was a rush of guilt and panic that took hold of her mind, making her go through every single word she had every uttered to him, every scenario of them together.
"This, all this...whatever it is I am feeling, it is all on me," he said looking up at her, trying to meet her gaze. "Woh kya hai na (You know what), growing up nobody ever showed me any kindness or compassion. No one cared about my day, or even wanted to hear about it. I had only one person then; Syafiq."
"Puberty hit, and girls were interested in being seen with me rather than to just simply be with me. And I admit, I took advantage of it. No strings attached, no commitments, nothing. But I never realized how alone I was until I we became friends. I never realized how hollow I was until you told me that I was good person. I didn't even know that I had the capability to even be good," Saif said sadly.
"Allah ki kasam (I swear upon Allah), I tried not to get to close. But even as I kept myself away, my thoughts always drifted back to you. When I was looking for guidance to revert to Islam, you were the only one who didn't laugh at me. Salla (Shit), even fuckin' Syafiq laughed at me," Saif chuckled sadly and he noticed the edges of her mouth quirked upwards for a quick second.
"You have this big pure heart, that drew me in from the first second I saw you," he continued; breathing heavily, his heart in his throat. "I wanted you, in any way I could but I didn't understand why until I realized how inherently good you are. You have a fucking potty mouth and are sarcastic as hell, but you radiate good and I was a fucking fly to honey," he said laughing as tears glistened in his eyes once again as Farrah finally looked up and met his gaze.
"Saif, I'm not that good. I...really am not...good," she said chokingly, her own eyes misting at the pain she saw all over his face. "If I was this wouldn't happen," she continued brokenly.
"Yaar, we can't control our feelings can we? If we could, you wouldn't be in love in with a gora, and I wouldn't be on my knees like a pussy, begging you to stay," Saif said laughing harshly at himself as he realized the she did not love him. At least not in the way he wanted her too. He stood up and took a few steps backwards as he looked at her confusion filled face.
"Saif, I'm so sorry...so so sorry...I wish things were different, I really do," Farrah said as she watched Saif, distancing himself from her. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry," Farrah continued saying.
"Sorry mat bol yaar (Stop saying sorry), it's no one's fault. Bas tu sorry mat bol (Enough, just dont say sorry)," Saif said choking, he turned his back to her and and buried his face in his hand while the other was at his hip. Farrah saw his shoulders shake and then she heard him chuckle softly.
Saif squeezed his eyes shut and wiped his tears with the back of his hand. Turning towards her, he asked with a pained expression, "You love him, don't you? Even though you said no to his proposal, you still love him..."
Still not brave enough to admit her feelings out loud, Farrah stood up and turned away from him unable to meet his gaze. "Will I ever stand a chance?" she heard him ask softly.
"I'm not that good Saif, I'm not...I'm a fucking coward. That is what I am; a fucking coward," She licked her lips, trying hard to swallow the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry Saif, I am really sorry..."
"Stop, Farrah don't say sorry. Stop saying sorry," Saif said, a traitorous tear slid down his cheek. He wiped it away harshly. "Stop saying sorry, Farrah," he said hoarsely as more tears escaped the confines of his eyes, sliding down the planes of his face. "Just stop, okay?" he said grunting as he kept wiping away the tears.
"I...uhm," Farrah swallowed as she tried not to cry, "You are amazing you know that?" They both looked at each other across the room and laughed. "Everything that you said about me, rings true about yourself; you're kind, you have a big heart, you have a potty mouth, you are sarcastic as hell, and you are so, so good."
"Stop Farrah," she heard Saif said as he once again covered his face with the palm of hand. She walked towards him slowly, "I wish I was everything you want me to be. I wish that I could return those feelings but I...," she swallowed, "I can't. You deserve someone who can give you their whole heart, not just pieces of it. You deserve more than someone showing you basic kindness. You deserve someone who will shower you with love. You deserve someone who will give you not just a chance, but everything she has to be with you. You deserve all the good in the world in the world and so much more."
Farrah was just an arm's reach away from him but he felt like there was huge distance that he knew he would never be able to cross. "What happens now?" he asked her softly and swallowed; "Are you going...will you...and the gora?"
"...I...I really don't have an answer to that Saif," Farrah swallowed. "It's all so...so...complicated."
Saif lifted his hand and gently touched Farrah's hair, "You know something, you will always be my favourite 'what if'. What if you had loved me first, what if you were mine, what if we had a life together, what if we had kids together." He swallowed thickly, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "Don't let him be your most regretted 'what if' simply because it's complicated. Life is complicated, Farrah. Look at where we are now, but we'll be okay. Wont we?"
Nodding as she held back a sob, Farrah lifted her arms and asked in a small voice, "Can I please get a hug?"
Saif smiled tiredly and folded her into his arms. He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled deeply her honey-almond scented hair. "I'm sorry, Saif," he heard her whisper against his chest. "Bas (Enough)," he said gently as he placed a chaste kiss on the top of her head as he loosened his arms from around her, "I need to let go now, Farrah. Any longer and I'll never want to let you go."
They stepped away from each other and couldn't help the small chuckles that escaped their lips. Smiling at each other a knock at the door got Farrah's attention. Richard was standing at the door, clad in casual blue jeans, with a long dark green flannel and a week's worth of facial hair covering his half his face. Worry was evident in his brilliantly blue eyes as he took in Farrah and the man in her office.
"Hello," Richard said to Saif, "I'm Richard."
"Hi man," Saif said extending his hand to shake, "Saif."
"Am I interrupting? I can just wait outside," Richard said slowly sounding out each word as he looked between both Farrah and Saif.
"Nah man," Saif said smiling, "We're done. I was just about to leave." Turning around to Farrah he said, "Best of luck, I know you'll smash it like you did tonight. I'll catch up with you on the tele, yeah".
Turning to face Richard, both men studying the other; Saif extended his hand again. Shaking hands, Saif said in a serious tone, "Take care of her."
Nodding as he looked at Farrah over Saif's shoulder he said, "I will."
***
And exit Saif.
Sorry fans of Saif, this is the last of him in this book. I am thinking of a spin off for him but I need a show of support to do it. So leave a comment here.
And as per usual; share, comment and vote. Tell me what you loved an what you hated in these two chapters!
We are sort of nearing the end so I am really hoping for some feedback guys, so hear from you soon!!
xx