'Mommy.' I could hear his voice in the wind as I held his small ice cold body. I hugged it tightly to my body as I walked. The tears still streaming down my face.
The rain had stopped but the wind howled. His last words caught in an ever ending cycle.
'I love y-'
'I love y-'
'I love y-'
'I love y-'
With the one place in mind I kept walking. Every past memory with S-Sam repeating in my mind.
The nights he jumped into bed in a stormy night. "He doesn't like the lightning. He prefers the snow." I repeated to myself.
I looked down at Sam as I whispered to him, "do you want to go to the field again, baby?" I asked before smiling as I see we are there.
"Here we are, baby boy. So you can spent the-" I felt my voice break but I forced myself to continue, "rest of your time on earth running around in your favorite place, baby. I will stay here will you too." I walk to the big tree that overlooked the field and sky.
I set him down next to it as I began to claw at the floor not feeling how my nails broke and blood got stuck. The ground was so hard that I didn't want him to be there. "Don't be afraid, baby. At least now you can play for as long as you want." I said settling him down in the three foot deep hole.
Just then it began to snow. The white flakes rained down on us the sky seemed a bit brighter. More light.
"See, now you can see the field covered in snow this year again. It beautiful, baby." I said looking as the snow fell on the field. "Sleep tight, baby." I held back a cry and pushed the dirt back over him.
Once it was all covered I allowed myself to cry. "Baby, I love you. I love you, too. Baby." I cried leaning over the dirt I just pushed over him.
Then I get the anger. The raw and furious anger that he was taken from me. "Why?!" I shouted at the sky. To the goddess. "Why him?!" I screamed. "Why him?!" I whimpered crawling closer to him.
"He was my baby. He was my baby boy!" I shouted half crying have scream.
I let it all out. The tears, the pain, the anger, everything.
"No. No. No! You can't have him. Please he's mine." I pleaded. I pounded at the ground scratching my hands red and raw.
Until I felt nothing. I looked down at the ground of dirt. It looked so different compared to the field. I walked over to the field that had noticeable snow on it. I ripped off a few flowers. It was so innocent and beautiful that for a second it made the world seem like nothing bad could happen. But look at where I am.
I took them back to him and put them together and placed them on him. "There." I said smiling softly. I laid down next to him. My baby.
***
"Rue?! Rue?!" I heard voices in the distance making me slowly open my puffy red eyes.
I looked around me for a moment forgetting what happened then I saw the flowers. The dirt. Sam.
My baby Sam. No! I looked up just as I saw a flash light point my direction. The sky was darker now. The snow was still falling. I saw how it had formed a small blanket over Sam's grav- bed.
"Ohh my goddess! Rue!" I heard a voice exclaimed. I felt arms around me but couldn't process who it was. "Rue, where is Sam?" The voice asked.
Sam? My baby? Sam! "No. No." I repeated looking down at Sam bed. I placed a hand over it hearing a gasp next to me.
Then I felt the arms around me again. I could feel myself being carried and then I lost conscious again.
***
'Sam? Sam? Baby where are you?' I mumble as I woke up. I saw that I was in my room. In my house. Tell me it was all a dream. Please.
I looked down at my hand seeing how bloody they were. No! No! No! I shook my head feeling the tears fall again. I must have started to scream because I felt arms around and voices trying to speak to me but I could hear anyone.
I felt a sharp needle on my arm and began to lose conscious again.
***
This time I woke up to voices talking. "What are we going to do?" I heard a voice ask.
"She is broken. I am not even sure if she will get up again. It is too much." I heard the same voice speak again.
"No! This time she had Zeiden. She will get up. I know she will." I heard a strong determinate voice quiet the other one. I slipped back into sleep knowing they were talking about me.
***
The fourth time I woke up I looked around to see that the moonlight was shining through my open window. I stood up weakly feeling my legs wanting to give up but I walked over to the window.
I looked out to see a soft gentle snow enter my room. The forest was covered in snow. Inches and inches of it.
I simply closed the window blocking it out. I moved over to my door finding the halls silent. I closed my door and locked it. I didn't want anyone with me. No one except my baby, Sam.
I sat at the base of the door looking over my dark room. It seemed so cold and empty without any light. I slowly stood up my movements like a robot.
I walked over to my bathroom door and to the shower. I stripped from my clothes that someone had put on me and jumped into the shower.
I let the cold water wash everything away. The memories, the blood, the tears, the pain.
Once finished I walked out slipping on a big t-shirt and some loose shorts. I was about to slip back in the bed but hear a small sound. It sounded like small breathing. I turned my head trying to see where it was coming from. I finally found it. It was by the door.
I hesitated not wanting to be with anyone right now. The voice made me stop. "Rue, I know you can hear me," his soft smoothing silky voice was heard through the door, "I just want to say I am so sorry for what happened. I know he was like your own. Also if you need me. I will be here."
I sat down by the door now able to hear his heart beat. It was smooth and rhythmic but distant. I could feel my fingers ache to grab hold of him as cry on his shoulder but I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Afraid that once I started I wouldn't be able to stop.
"You know, he loved you very much." He said making a sob rise to my throat. I bit my lip barley holding it back. "He was also very happy with you. I saw how much you loved him too. It's okay to cry." He said and I felt my throat contract not able to hold down the tears. I let out a sob covering my mouth to hide it. But was too late.
"Please open the door, Rue. It hurts me so much not being able to hold you. Please, Rue. Just open the door." He pleaded desperately.
With a shaky hand I placed my hand in the door. I hesitated.
"I remember everything. I know why you were trying to hide from me. I know that you didn't want to see me in pain. And Ruedan right now I can't stand not being next to you when you are clearly in pain. Let me in. Let me be there for you." He begged through the door.
I felt the sudden empty feeling in my heart begging for him. And I twisted the door open. I saw him quickly stand up not saying anything before pulling me into a tight hug.
He didn't even have to say anything just the scent of his sweet fresh rain opened the water works. "He died in my arms, Zeiden." I sobbed softly into his chest. He held me tighter smoothing my hair.
"Zeiden I-I," he shushed me moving me to the bed.
"It's okay, Rue. It going to be okay." His words just made me cry harder. Those were the words I told Sam just before I....killed him. I was terrified to say the words out loud because no one knew about them and I was afraid they would blame me like I blamed myself.
'Cause I did kill him. I snapped him neck. I told him I loved him and I killed him. I know that he would just have been in pain if I didn't but still. The first time I held him I swore to protect him. And I couldn't.
"No!" I shouted pushing myself away from Zeiden and I could see the hurt look that he tried and failed to hide. "No. I-I need to tell you." I said my voice broken and weak but I forced myself to continue.
"I killed again, Zeiden. I killed." I said my head bowed, ashamed. I could feel my wolf howling for my son and even part of me cried for the souls I took even if they might've be bad. They were still souls.
The silence was suffocating me. I felt a tentative hand cupped my cheek rubbing away the tears that didn't stop falling. He pulled my face up to look at his sparks lighting in his awaken. I could see his dark brown eyes looking at me with care and worry. No fear.
"Rue, stop blaming yourself. You have done enough of that your entire live. It's is time you forgive yourself because you might have not noticed but everyone else has. They forgave you when they saw how great and loyal of a person you are. I know you are afraid of your feeling because you can't control them but you don't have to. Just let them be. Accept them. You don't have to push them away." He whispered in his soft smooth silky voice. It flowed through the room some how louder than my pounding heart.
He seemed to have said the exact words I had yearned so badly my whole life since that day. I could feel my heart lift the last and the most heavy weight I carried around since that day. And finally I truly and sincerely let go of it. The fear.
I looked into his eyes that held an intense look that sent a warm feeling through my whole body. His words left me lightheaded and free. I leaned forward lightly pressing my lips against his releasing all the pend up pain and love I have felt that night, this night, and every other night since I meet him. The desire for him no longer held back.
***
I woke up to the soft sunlight shining through the closed window pieces of last night's events with Zeiden coming to mind bringing a smile to my face.
Then came the other memories. Sam. I could feel my thoughts darkening when I felt the arm over my bare waist move and Zeiden stirred in his sleep. Just like that the pain disappeared. At least for today.
I slowly turned around to keep him from waking up. Entranced by his adorable morning look I could instantly feel my heart beat begin to race. He looks so innocent and peaceful so unlike last night.
I looked over his long dark lashes and thick brows highlighting his smooth clear skin. His rosy full lips parted slightly as I heard his soft smoothing snores exit his mouth. His light auburn hair messy over his eyes. My eyes trialed lower.
The thought of him being naked under these covers made me blush at my dirty thoughts. His arm pulled me flush against him letting me feel his morning friend downstairs. Not that it helped at all to calm down these dirty thoughts.
I smiled deviously as the thought popped into my head. I used my left hand to trail down his firm strong chest slowly lowering. I could feel his 'friend' growing as I got closer. I lean my mouth over the bright red hickeys I gave him last night still showing.
I sucked his mark making him moan out loudly the knot in my belly tightening. I could feel him waking as he snuggled closer to me.
"Mon doux cerf." I whispered my nickname for him. I heard him hum in response not yet opening his eyes.
I roll on top of him strangling his waist as he kept his eye close. Want to play that game? Okay. Game on.
I leaned down pressing my bare breast against his chest kissing his warm smooth chest. He groaned as if my action were making him physically pained slowly opening his eyes.
His hands on my hips and I pressed my core on his now fully woken friend. And again there was no cloth to separate our bare naked bodies. This instantly made him grip my hips harder moaning as I rocked my hip slowly.
His hard on in me with my legs on his sides. "Awake now?" I asked in a low purr clenching my core around him. He groaned using one hand to trail up my bare back.
"Come on, again!" Heard a voice exclaimed from the door making me yelp as I ripped myself away from Zeiden. I pulled the covers over me with Zeiden's help.
"Get out, Thomas!" Zeiden shouted in a hot and angry tone at a very embarrassed and shocked Thomas. Thomas immediately ran out the door slamming it shut behind him in his hurry. Okay so I didn't expect that.
I turned to Zeiden who was half over me blocking me from where Thomas previously stood. "Someone possessive." I teased as still irritated Zeiden.
He turned to me seeing the smile on my face then pecking my lips. "Only for you." He whispered against my lips.
"That was hot." I let out biting his lower lip. I pulled him over me playing with his hair.
"Any time." He replied holding himself over me his kiss driving my tummy mad. The butterflies roaming in there wouldn't stop fluttering around.
I pulled back from the very hot and heated kiss. "We have to go deal with Thomas." I said peering up at him.
"I rather not." He stated with a mischievous grin pulling the covers over us.
Once we finally got out of bed because of my very grumpy and hungry stomach and dress we walked downstairs. I giggled as Zeiden held my waist tickling me and I ran from him racing down the stairs.
I ran to the kitchen heading straight for the refrigerator. I stopped when I saw a yellow sticky note on it.
I got Kyle and Mason out of the house. You get until tomorrow then we will break your honeymoon up.
-Thomas
"Get back here, Rue. I'm not done with you." I heard Zeiden warn as he walked into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw me holding the sticky note.
"What's that?" He asked stopping next to me to look over my shoulder. I handed it to him continuing my search for food.
"We have the whole day to ourselves." Zeiden exclaimed excitedly behind me making me look up at him. I swear he looked so cute with the way his eyes light up.
I chuckled, "is that all you got from that?" I asked shaking my head. He nodded excitedly back at me. He walked over to me embracing me in a hug. Or what I thought was going to be a hug. He picked me up and settled me on the counter next to the sink.
"Now, you sit there while I make breakfast-no lunch for you." He said looking up at the kitchen clock that marked 12:37pm.
He was about to turn around to start preparing breakfast but I wrapped my legs around him, holding him back. I pulled him to me pecking his lips. Once, twice, going for a third but he grabbed the back of my neck pulling me in for a full on mind blowing kiss. It left me breathless and giggling for the rest of the day.
I knew that I will be able to get back up from Sam's death. And anything else that came my way because as long as I had Zeiden I would overcome anything. Just the tingling feeling he gave me was enough to bring me the strength I needed to face anything.
His smile would light up any darkness that I had. His laughter the sound that would calm me. His love the feeling that will fill me for the rest of my life.