Chapter 18: Chapter seventeen

I wouldn’t leave his body; I couldn’t even face the fact it was Lucas’ body and not just Lucas. The emptiness I felt in my soul was foreign, I’d felt complete grief when I’d said goodbye to my parents but losing my brother was finishing me off. I’d never felt such a longing for my baby brother and I needed Joel in my arms, it wasn’t just that I loved him anymore, it was that all we had was each other and I would raise him, it was my responsibility to make sure he grew up right. I just couldn't believe I would be doing it without my brother, I couldn’t believe he would never smile at me again, never tell a joke again, never just walk in a room and surprise me. I couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough.

I never though he’d die. I worried about the others but I’d just assumed Lucas would be okay because you think no kind of fate would be cruel enough to steal away one of the last pieces of your life. I didn’t even know why he was dead in my arms, I didn’t know.

‘Harley…’ Keith was crouched next to me, I could feel his eyes boring into the side of my head, ‘Harley, I need to go speak to these people, I’ll be back in a second, okay?’

Even in my own bubble I could hear the grief in his voice with an undertone of complete anger that I wasn’t sure I’d heard before. I felt his absence as he left my side and I continued to sit staring at the closed eyelids of my brother, still willing him to wake up.

I was pulled from my trace by furious shouting which sounded suspiciously like Keith. Slowly, I lifted my head, just about able to see through the swelling around my eyes. I couldn’t believe it as my vision focused in on what looked like Keith squaring off with a man in the distance who was stood next to an army print truck. Several people were clamering out of the large vehicle and the man Keith was fighting with was holding a large object, it loo-

Oh god. A gun, it was a gun.

He killed my Lucas.

I was ready to get up screaming and kill this man, dying in the process if I had to but was halted as I saw Keith pull his fist back and punch the man square in the face. He went down like a tonne of bricks and I could only choke as several guns pointed at Keith, the collective sound of reloading making my blood run cold.

Not. Keith.

‘Don’t you fucking dare!’ I screamed like a banshee as I stumbled up from the ground, moving as fast as I could towards them. Sure enough, all their guns trained on me and as I got closer, I saw Keith furiously shaking his head at me, gesturing for me to go back. I almost fell several times on my unsteady limb but carried on going nonetheless.

‘Who are you?’ A middle-aged woman with hair pulled into a tight brunette bun asked me, narrowing her eyes. She was slim and sporting an army uniform; she couldn’t have been older than 35 but already had deep frown lines appearing on her forehead.

‘Who are you?’ I countered, shaking with fury, ‘Which one of you killed my brother?’

‘He was a threat’ the man Keith punched growled, standing unsteadily from the floor, ‘He would be infected now if it wasn’t for us. We saved him’.

‘Saved him?’ I spat incredulously, rage shooting through my body till I could practically feel my blood boiling, ‘He was fine! We’ve survived worse than him, you shot him!’

I turned round to see Percy perched over his body, watching us in confusion. I couldn’t save him now, I could only make sure he had a proper burial, a luxury nobody seemed to have anymore. The thought just about killed me but I was channeling my pain into anger. I would kill these people now, they didn’t deserve to live. Keith could obviously see my thoughts were in no way positive and moved to my side while the bulky man he’d hit stared angrily at him.

‘Harley, think about this’ he said in a soothing voice, hand on my shoulder.

‘Oh, I’m thinking’ I seethed, ‘Really, really clearly’. I stepped forward, shoving the brunette woman out of my way and making for the bulky man, all 6ft of him. He was bald and like the woman, looked to be middle aged. He sported the same army uniform and even had the same frown lines. I could tell these people had been through a lot, their frustration and anger was shared but I cared so little, they’d ruined my life.

With a steady exhalation of breath, I drew my fist back and reached to punch him in the face. It didn’t even have close to the same effect it had when Keith did it but I still remained satisfied when blood eascaped from his nose. While he stood confused, I took the opportunity to yank the gun from his hand and whip it round til it was pointing at him, watching in further satisfaction when his eyes widened in shock.

‘You little bitch!’

‘You’re in no position to call me a bitch’ I said bluntly, taking a chance to glance at the brunette who was pointing her gun at me and note the other officials who were surveying the area, out of earshot. Keith was cursing quietly and then telling the woman if she didn’t drop her gun, he’d kill her. I wasn’t sure if he was bluffing.

‘What are you waiting for, kid?’ he asked, accent similar to mine. So he was from around my area, how ironic, how awful.

‘You to beg’ I whispered, not recognising the words as my own. Was that really what I wanted? Keith didn’t think so and he told me as much, telling the man we’d leave, telling the woman to drop her gun.

‘Oh honey, you don’t know how to use that thing’.

‘I know how to pull a trigger’.

His face paled at my reply, glancing to the woman next to me.

‘Annette, shoot her’.

‘Don’t!’ Keith pleaded, ‘Look, you just shot her brother, she’s already lost her parents. You’re getting off lightly right now; the only reason I didn’t kill you is because I won’t die for scum like you. We’ll walk away if you do’.

‘I prefer living a fun life’ the man smirked, looking me up and down, ‘Give me the gun, honey. Killing me won’t bring him back’.

‘No, but I’ll feel better’.

‘You won’t, Harley’ Keith said sternly, ‘They’ll fucking shoot you, and then what? Joel grows up without any family, Percy loses probably the only person he’ll ever trust again. And what about me, Harley? What the hell do I do without you?’

‘You’ll all be fine’ I whispered but I was already lowering the gun. He was right, I didn’t want this piece of shit’s blood on my hands. Defeated, I launched the gun on the floor, turning away so I was facing Keith. Once more I tried to ignore the awful pulsing in my leg which was thumping louder than the people's voices around me but it was taking me over.

‘Oh, not so fast, ma’am’ the man smirked, ‘My name is Bruce’. He extended his hand to me and I fought the urge to spit on it, sneering at the man I hated the most in the world. I wanted to walk back and sit with my brother but he was even preventing me from doing that.

‘And we couldn’t give a shit’ Keith had with venom in his voice, taking my hand in his to lead me away.

‘No, don’t leave’ He glanced down at our hands, smirking again, ‘Ah, I see… Well, lovebirds, I’ll make you a deal. We’re supposed to clear the area of survivors and for every survivor, we get a hefty some of money. Besides, I like the spunk in you kids. Anyway, you come with and we’ll give your brother a proper send off, a real hero’s goodbye’.

‘Die’ I muttered, starting to walk away.

‘It’s a free pass outta here, girly!’

‘I’d rather die’ I replied to myself, fighting tears again.

‘Wait!’ a female voice called, different to the hard tone of Annette and far too feminine to be Bruce. I turned to see the rest of the officials had re-joined the group and a small sea of faces were looking at us curiously, mostly young men but a couple of women too. A particular woman had called to us, slightly plumper than the rest but still pretty and warm-looking with grey-green eyes and a nice smile. I almost softened to her but remembered fast enough the group she was part of - cold blooded killers.

‘Harley, is it? I heard him call you that, anyway…’ she stumbled on her words, ‘Look, I saw your brother, I saw him…’ she glanced at Bruce, looking almost as angry as I felt, ‘Saw him shoot and I know it’s awful, trust me, I know. But if you join us, your brother can be laid to rest properly and you can leave with us the way he’d want you to. Or you can stay and die and his death will have been in vain… I just…’.

‘His death will always have been in vain!’ I cried, wanting to strangle every person in front of me for showing up too late. It was heartbreaking to think that if we’d been even ten feet away in that bloody shop, we’d be home free out of this country and Lucas would have lived for seventy more years. They stole that though and so I’d rather rot here than leave with them.

‘Give us ten minutes’ Keith said solemnly, trying to lead me away. I yanked away from him though in complete disbelief, a new set of tears trying to escape from my eyes.

‘Ten minutes?’ I half yelled, ‘You want to leave with these people? They killed my brother!’

‘Its not what I want, it’s what we need’ he said quietly, reaching out to me. I shoved his hand away and stormed back to where my brother lay, Percy looking at me in wonder as I did.

‘Harley, please!’ Keith shouted after me, footsteps racing after mine.

‘Go away’ I said with such coldness in my voice that I heard him stop dead.

‘I’ll be right over here if you need me, Harley’.

I needed him more than ever.

‘I’ll uh… go?’ Percy asked as I approached him to which I responded with a nod.

‘Harley, I’m so so-‘

‘Just go’ I whispered, uncaring as he did exactly that. I vaguely wondered if I’d regret it later but I was too numb to care right now.

‘Lucas’ I said quietly as I dropped to his level, feeling everybody’s eyes on me. His face was slightly stubbly under my skin, the lack of shaving had earned him a light layer of sharp hair. Keith had obviously found a razor somewhere because his skin was freakishly smooth and Percy looked like he’d never sported stubble in his life. What sense were my thoughts making now, stubble and hair? I was trying to distract myself from Lucas’ paling face, his fingers without blood, his still, still heart. Leaning my head down, I actually winced when I felt no steady thump, no signs of life. I reached down to his eyelids and opened one a little, watching as a tear escaped my eye and narrowly missed his still lovely blue ones. Those eyes had made a lot of girls happy. Girls loved his eyes, I loved his eyes.

Just like it had been with my parents, I felt a tug of goodbye but this time I actually had to walk away. I knew I’d never leave his side unless I forced myself to so with a dep breath, I leaned to his cheek ad kissed himlightly on his cheek.

‘Goodnight, Loo Loo’ I whispered to him with a small smile, trying to remember every inch of his face. With all the strength I could manage, I moved towards the truck where every set of eyes were focused on me.

****

They wouldn’t let me touch his body again as they carted him off into a medical truck in the distance. I wasn’t sure I’d cope; I only vaguely registered Keith propping me up and leading me into the back of a truck which was reserved only for only us two, Percy insisted it should be that way. Somebody pulled me over and spent minute after minite prodding at my leg, having obviously noticed my limping. I didn't complain or even flinch when they injected me with something but somehow the pain began to dissapear and I knew this wasn't a drug you could just buy in the shops. I vaguely resistered them telling me I'd pulled a muscle badly and if I strained it the drugs would wear off but what the hell did I care if my legs hurt? What the hell did it even matter?

There were no other survivors so Bruce didn’t care, just slammed the door behind us till we were left breathing loudly in the silence. Even then, he only left us after I demanded questions about Joel, if they’d seen him, if they could take me to him, if anyone had actually talked to him. I’d assumed he was in safe hands with the police or the army but I didn’t feel like that anymore, even when they reassured me several children had recently been flown out. Even one who fit the description of Joel.

Nothing was registering. I couldn’t believe Lucas had left, I couldn’t understand that his life could not be lived anymore. He could have been someone, he already was.

How could death still feel so foreign? I was surviving in a place where it was all we knew.

‘Nothing I say will help you’ Keith lifted his head and spoke hoarsely to me from the opposite side of the truck, our feet nearly touching, ‘But I’m right here. No matter what’.

He looked at me, his face tense and strained but still with the ability to make me forget myself. He was familiarity, he was passion and craziness and a jumble of feelings which even now I couldn’t control. He was Keith. And he was all the way over there.

‘Keith’ I whispered his name, feeling my face crumple, my anger from earlier forgotten. I couldn’t remember my rage towards him, my anger. I didn’t know why. He was the one trying to save us, he hated these people too. he wanted my brother to be buried. Like me.

‘Oh, Harley’ he looked saddened and jumped over to my side of the truck, dropping next to me on the floor and pulling me right into him till I could smell him, feel him, forget.

‘Will I ever feel better?’ I asked him through sobs, clutching on as tight as I could, scared someone would take him away from me too.

‘Yes’ he mumbled into my hair, ‘Not right now but that’s alright. You can do what you want, yell at me, hit me, cry, scream, do it. Just don’t expect to feel better straight away'.

‘But he’ll never come back’.

‘No, no he won’t. But that doesn’t mean you forget him, he’ll always be there’.

‘You think?’

‘I promise. Now tell me about him, everything you can remember and keep talking, don’t stop even for a second’.

‘I don’t think I can’ I choked, feeling my heart palpitate as his face materialised in my mind.

‘You can. Try’.

So I told him everything I remembered. About when I was only tiny and he dumped a pot of freezing water over my head because Mum was watching a girly program with me. When we started a food fight at a posh dinner party and everyone ended up joining in, when he got a girlfriend and I teased him no end then yelled at her when she hurt him. When he tried to put make up on me and smeared it all over my face – that was only last week.

Everything. And slowly, my breathing became less difficult and my heart started to finally unclench.

‘I feel like he’s disappearing or something’ I admitted, scared I would forget his face – I had no pictures, no physical memories with me, it was terrifying. And then as soon as I remembered, I blurted it out before Keith could even reply to my previous words. It was the wrong time and I hadn't even been thinking about it but suddenly it was a weight on my shoulders.

‘I might be infected’.

I watched his eyes lose a little light, his mouth drop open and his shoulders slump as he stared at me. I didn’t know if he was trying to hide his emotions but I saw them all; shock, anger, regret, sadness; sadness I hadn’t seen him wearing before, a different kind to the grief about losing my brother.

‘How?’ the word caught in his throat, coming out hoarse. He took in my blood stained clothes, confusion dawning on his face, ‘You never told me what happened…’

‘An infected cornered me in a bush’ I whispered, ‘He was on top of me, kept clawing and trying to bite and his blood was all over me, my face, my clothes…’

‘But he didn’t bite you?’

‘No. But I spent so long wiping all his blood off my face’.

‘Okay’ his voice betrayed him again and his eyes were vulnerable like he was letting me in, like he’d done those other times. He was so strong, brave and kept that up so much with other people. But here, with me, he always let his guard down. I wanted him to prop me up, to put a wall up for me because I couldn’t seem to keep it up whenever he was near.

He reached for me, touching my neck, my arms, lifting them, moving round me to check the back of my neck.

‘What are you doing?’ I shivered as his fingers deftly swiped across my neck.

‘Checking for open cuts’.

‘Oh. Okay’.

I let him, the corners of my mouth turning up just a little when he found nothing and letting it drop when I remembered I couldn’t celebrate with Lucas. Maybe I was infected, maybe I’d join him. To my complete surprise, my stomach dropped at the thought of dying. In my numbness, I thought that was easier but here, now… it was wrong, it felt wrong. I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t. Could I? My head was a jumbled mess, trying to block out the gunshot, the lack of my family, the hopelessness, my feelings.

‘Okay, well I think we’d know by now if you were…’ he didn’t finish his sentence, worry and fear leaving lasting lines on his face. His eyes had almost looked frantic when I told him but now it looked like they were scared, fearful. Quiet.

‘Yeah’ I finished quietly, dragging a hand through my messy hair, unable to meet those eyes again, filled with so much hurt.

‘Lucas whispered something to you’ I blurted out, feeling the blood coursing through my veins triple in speed as I said it. Maybe it wasn’t my business and maybe it was but I needed to feel closer to him, I needed to know.

‘Yeah’ his voice was still quiet and I didn’t think he’d carry on until he let out a heaving sigh and leaned heavily against the back of the truck, ‘Now really isn’t the time though, trust me’.

‘It’ll never be the time’.

‘I know it feels like that but… trust me, alright?’

‘Keith’ I pleaded, starting to worry he’d never tell me.

‘Later’ he said and I shrugged his arm off of my shoulder, suddenly angry he was keeping things from me, especially about my brother. He wouldn’t let me yell though, just put his arm right back over my shoulder and tugged me into him.

I didn’t move.

‘Bombing’s been called off’ He spoke after a while, sending goosebumps down my arms.

‘What?’ I was shock, in disbelief. How could it, how could he know that?

‘When you were… well, they told me’ he cleared his throat, lifting a hand to move it through his hair, ‘Too many survivors, not that we’ve seen many’.

‘But…’ I couldn’t carry on, it hurt too much. We could have stayed in B&Q, we could have all lived, he didn’t have to die. I looked at Keith as if to try and tell him all this but I could tell he already knew.

‘I know, sunshine’ he whispered, moving his hand from his hair to mine, ‘I know’.

I cried. I don’t know how long for but I sobbed into him, grateful that he was there holding me, uncaring that outside this heaving truck awaited thousands of undead, terrified for whatever future I had left, terrified for the countless funerals I would be attending.

Mum.

Dad.

Lucas.

Skylar.

Percy? Keith?

Joel?

I’d keep them alive if it was the last thing I did. It was hard to believe the rest of the world was probably going about their business right now, going to the shops for a pint of milk, school, work. I wondered if they even knew what was happening here and if they did, did they know the extent? Where had my baby brother been taken? For some reason, I’d felt he was safe since I’d spoken to my mother, that little boy was so worth protecting and I wouldn’t be surprised if a stranger had given their life for him.

It should have been me, but it wasn’t.

It just wasn’t.

****

My legs were numb and relatively pain free as I stepped out of the truck, leaning against Keith for support. We were surrounded by other trucks in the centre of an empty street and it didn’t take long before Percy walked over to us. He looked as though he’d been crying.

‘You alright, man?’ Keith asked him, confirming what I’d wondered.

‘Yeah, course I’m fine. How are you two holding up?’ he asked, specifically looking at me.

‘Yeah’ I nodded, hoping that was enough of an answer. Keith mumbled a reply and I felt guilty suddenly, realising it must have been hard for him too.

I was so wrapped up in my own grief it was hard to stretch myself to see other people were hurting too.

‘He really likes you’, I said, heart skipping a beat, ‘Liked you’ I corrected myself, my legs crumpling at the use of past tense.

‘I liked him too’ he smiled fondly and Keith nodded, a half smile on his face, ‘After Mark died, I didn’t think I’d find a friend again, especially not Lucas’ Keith looked remorseful now, looking towards his shoes, 'I think we really woulda' been close after this'.

‘You have us’ Percy added quickly, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

‘Of course you do’ Keith squeezed my shoulder and I felt a sense of warmth, not just where his hand lay but in my stomach, my body.

‘Thanks’.

We followed where everyone else was moving in a huddled group, looking behind and around us constantly while the other army members didn’t seem to even be taking notice.

‘You think they’d be a little less stupid’ Keith muttered, glancing where our footsteps trailed behind us.

‘Shh, they have guns!’ Percy cried then winced at what must have been the expression on my face, ‘Sorry Harley, I-‘

‘Stop walking on eggshells’ I said with a sigh, seeking out Bruce at the front of what looked like a hotel, the Holiday Inn to be exact. It was hardly the camp I had expected but I didn’t care, I just wanted to lock myself away in a room and keep watch, nobody was looking out for the infected, they could be anywhere, watching us, waiting. I wanted to be alone, keeping up the pretence of being able to walk and breathe normally was beginning to physically ache, I needed to collapse somewhere, fall and not have to get up.

It was making my arms itch, the fear of the outdoors, the fear of the unknown, the fear of myself; breaking down in the middle of a crowd.

Ah, there you kids are!’ Bruce grinned, singling us out and moving towards us, filtering through the small group of people who had yet to move into the hotel. Around five people guarded the entrance – it wasn’t enough. It couldn’t be, it was making my arms itch even more, making my insides turn frantic. They’d get us. They would.

‘Where are we?’ Percy asked and I was grateful for his naïve bluntness all of a sudden.

‘Home’ Bruce beamed, laughing when all of our faces dropped, ‘Ah, I’m kidding, you miserable sods. We stay here each night while we look around the area, not long left here so make the most of it’.

‘When are we leaving this country?’ Keith asked with irritation in his voice, ‘We joined with you so Harley’s brother could get a proper burial away from here’.

‘All in good time, kids’ Bruce’s smile had turned somewhat into a smirk as he looked down on us, even Keith, ‘A few more areas to look for survivors after this and we’re home free, straight to France’.

‘What’s it like out there?’ Percy asked.

‘Wine is good as ever’ he replied, ‘Welcome party is fucking beautiful, Houses are being built in America specially for the survivors, sweet, eh?’

‘Sweet’ Keith muttered, glancing up to the hotel, ‘Where we staying?’

Bruce’s eyes glinted and I felt uneasy for a moment, just wanting to leave all these people and sit alone for a while or go and sit with my brother. Every few seconds I checked over my shoulder to look for the infected and felt a little more on edge every time I didn’t see one. We’d been so aware for so long, I didn’t like this change. I didn’t want to relax.

I hated that Bruce seemed so carefree and happy. The urge to kill him was an animalistic instinct I'd never felt before, I wanted to scratch his eyes out, lock him in a room with an infected and watch as it tore him apart piece by piece. He ruined everything. I hated him. I hated him.

‘Well, I’d love it if Harley would bunk with me’ he leered and I saw Keith clench his fist. I reached for it and enclosed it in my own hand, trying to tell him not to get angry with my actions. This man was not worth a drop of blood.

‘No thanks’ I said through gritted teeth, holding onto Keith a little tighter than nessecary. If Lucas was here, I would have to restrain him too.

He wasn’t here.

‘Well, the boys down here are pretty bored, our women aren’t exactly spring chickens. Donna was a bit of alright but a walking piece of meat took a bite out of that pretty face’ he shuddered, ‘You’re the nicest little thing I’ve seen in a long time, Harley’ he winked as me and I could practically hear Keith’s jaw grinding. He wasn’t quite as restrained this time though when he pulled away from my hand and took a step towards Bruce.

‘You touch her’ he warned angrily, curling his hand into a fist again.

‘Oh, I will’ This time Percy got there first as he caught Keith’s hand before it could do any damage, leaving Bruce laughing away, so hard that tears began to form in his eyes.

‘Anyway’ he said, leaving Keith furious by my side, ‘Even with the lack of survivors, the rooms are pretty crowded so I’ve shoved Romeo and Juliet into a room and glasses kid, you’re on your own for now’.

‘Oh, uh…’ I trailed off, initially panicked about Percy sleeping alone then suddenly scared of sharing a room with Keith for reasons I didn’t really understand.

‘Don’t worry babe, walls are thin’ Bruce winked and this time I wanted to punch him.

‘Nobody should be sleeping alone’ I said coldly, wondering why these people were so idiotic.

‘This place is fine and we have reinforced locks, even if those bastards got in, they couldn’t touch your rooms. Don’t be so panicky, kid, Uncle Bruce has it all under control’.

‘I’m fine, honestly’ Percy said determinedly, ‘Are we going up now?’

‘Well, it’s getting late for you kiddies’ Bruce grinned again, ‘So yeah, room 41 and 49 I’m sure you’ll find them. No rebelling, wouldn’t want any trouble’.

‘Whatever’ I said under my breath, already heading for the hotel.

‘And Harley?’ he called from behind me, waiting till I turned back round to speak, ‘Sleep with one eye open babe, wouldn’t want my most beautiful survivor to have even one scratch on that pretty face. Enjoy the showers, guys’.

‘Prick’ Keith cursed, stomping along beside me looking extremely pissed off. Percy was on my other side, simply looking confused.

After climbing several stairs which brought out an ache in my injured limb, Keith and I said goodbye to Percy, instructing him to hammer on our door three times if he needed us. Quietly, we moved into the room and actually took a second to gape at our surroundings. A fairly small but plush room with a fluffy white carpet and a deep red rug which offered way to a bathroom in the corner which had a large shower, one of the cleanest toilets I’d ever seen and a sink with engravings all across it. Glasses with flowers sat in the bathroom and in the main room too with one single candle and flower on the bedside table, stood next to the most beautiful bed I’d ever seen. It was huge and lush with a cream and red cover, king sized no doubt. I searched for the second bed and a shiver ran across my skin when I couldn’t find it.

‘Ah…’ Keith said, realising the same thing.

‘What do we do?’ I asked, wishing I could just go lock the door, sit on that bed and try and remember, maybe even turn back time. Maybe I could even find the strength to stop wishing for such bloody useless things.

‘I’ll sleep on the floor’ he offered, ‘You take the bed’.

‘No’ I replied simply, ‘We came all this way…’ I gulped, squeezing the tears back into my eyes, ‘We came all this way and we have this bed which is a luxury we’ve been missing. Use it, I might just go explore tonight anyway’.

‘That’s not a good idea, sunshine’ He looked at me with sad eyes, talking quietly, ‘Just get some sleep, it’s been a long day. Walking around won’t help you one bit’.

‘I just need ti-‘

‘No, you don’t, you need sleep’ he wasn’t asking, he was telling me. His eyes said, his demeanor said it, his voice said it. And I knew he was right, even though I ached to watch out the window all night. We’d never been safer in this world than with these army people but I felt they were doing it all wrong, I didn’t feel like I was in control.

‘I’m scared they’ll all come in’ I admitted, looking towards the windows which were locked shut, far above the ground.

‘They won’t, not with a room like this. Besides, I stole our bags back so if they do, I’ll go Rambo on them, okay?’

‘Okay’ I laughed and the sound made me feel guilty and once again, I remembered. My body felt empty, not just through lack of food but through lack of belonging. It felt wrong, all of it. I was here but none of my family were. Keith felt like a link to home, Keith felt like home. Keith kept filling all the cracks in my heart as they appeared. It was nothing but I couldn’t help but walk over to him, wrapping my arms around him. I felt him stiffen before he exhaled and held me tight in his arms the way I’d wanted him to do for hours.

I collapsed onto the bed, holding the pillow against my face, embracing the cold. It was hard not to cry, not to just stop breathing, hold my breath and let go. My body was cold, I’d fought to keep moving, keep breathing, keep walking. But laying here, the hopelessness of the situation was dawning on me, the prospect of a future alone catching up. Was I even capable of looking after Joel? He’d be so much better with Lucas, if he’d lived and I’d died. That would have been better, would it? I-

‘Shower first’ Keith said, tentatively sitting on the bed next to me.

‘What?’

‘Go have a shower, then you can get in bed’.

‘Am I taking orders now?’ I asked wearily and he laughed, smiling genuinely.

‘No, it just might help you a bit, getting into some new clothes. I have some in the bag from that shop if you don’t mind skinny jeans’.

‘I don’t mind’ I said, actually feeling a laugh stuck in my chest at his concern about jeans.

‘It hurts’ I mumbled, wanting to cry again in an instant. I couldn’t believe he’d never just be here again. I could never hear new words come out of his mouth, never have a conversation. I knew all this with my parents and the ache was still strong but I wasn’t there when they died, it was easier to blot it out, make up my own version of events. This was cold, brutal. It wasn’t supposed to happen.

‘I want to see him’.

‘Lucas?’ Keith asked, looking unsure, ‘Harley, I don’t thi-‘

‘Think it’s a good idea’ I finished for him, ‘No, no it’s probably not. I just want to touch him again, Keith, you don’t get it, you don’t understand’.

‘Understand?’ he laughed sadly but before I could ask why he looked so perplexed at my words, an image popped into my mind - Keith in that shop with the phone, I’d wondered who he was calling, why he looked so upset. I had wanted to talk to him about it but so much had happened since…

‘Who did you call?’ I asked quietly, wiping another stray tear from my eyes which felt swollen to the touch.

‘It’s not important’ he said slowly, all initial surprise drained from his face.

‘It is to me’ my voice was quiet, caring. Because I did care, even in my misery I cared and I should have asked earlier rather than letting all this happen first. It had just been so hectic, so awful. So selfish.

‘I know, sunshine’ he smiled a tiny smile and let his fingers touch mine, tracing my hand ever so slowly. His touch rippled across my skin, Goosebumps and stomach and home all at once, ‘But I don’t think I’m ready for it yet’.

I understood. He didn’t want to talk, make it all real.

‘I’m here’ I mimicked his words from earlier, hoping he understood. From the way he nodded and those eyes lit up just a little, I knew he did.

I showered, let the water burn my skin, wash away the blood, the dirt. The horrors of the day still lingered and the memories didn’t fade. Even in this hot water I still felt cold, at least I could now blame the numbness on the burns which were scorching my skin.

He’s not coming back.

The words just wouldn’t leave my mind, my stomach just wouldn’t stop turning, tears still falling. It hurt like no kind  of physical pain, totally indescribable, raw.

I just let myself fall, collapse onto the floor of the shower, bare against the tiles. I could barely breathe as I screamed into my knees, the blasting water muffling the sound. I choked on water, tears and breath as I continued to shout for him, crying and crying till my tears submerged with the waterfall above me. Now, alone, I felt it like a ton of broken bricks. Now I felt his absence, his last breath, his last words.

What had they been? My mind wouldn’t let me remember, it didn’t want me to think about it because it made my heart ache.

Ache. Oh god, it ached, it hurt. I needed him, I needed Lucas – he’d take the pain away, he’d know how like a brother knows how. Late night snacks and video games. Never. No more of Mum’s famous Cheese Omlette. Never. Dad embarrassing me in front of my friends. Never. Friends. Never. Dead, dead, dead, dead.

I stayed in the fetal position for an impossibly long time, so long that a bang on the door had to knock me out of my now silent state, noticing now the blistering pain I was in as the boiling water coursed down over my skin which was now blood red.

I didn’t care. It was funny how all I’d done for the last couple of hours was try to pretend it hadn’t happened and now it was all I could do now to try and forget it.

‘Harley, I’m coming in if you don’t open this bloody door!’ Keith’s voice was distinctive and clearly concerned, if a little annoyed.

‘I’m fine!’ I tried to sound okay but my voice was as course as my hands which were practically blistering and I knew I had to turn the water off. When I did, the pain hit me at full force and I sunk back down to the floor of the shower, drinking in the silence and the condensation.

‘I’m coming in’ he called and I tried to move quickly.

‘Don’t!’

‘Give me one good reason why!’

‘I’m in the shower?’ I called in a tone which was dripping with sarcasm., still forcing back tears. He’d done the trick though because I was already wrapping a towel around my body and wincing with each step my burned feet touched the floor. He’d tricked me into getting out of the bathroom and I almost admired him for it. There was somebody in this world looking after me and I felt it, it helped eased the ache a bit; physical and emotional.

When I limped from the bathroom and opened the door, I noticed only the sting as the air hit my skin and Keith’s face drop as he took in my appearance.

‘What…’ he trailed off and I stopped wondering when I noticed my skin was still red raw. Moving over to the bed, I gingerly sat down and groaned when it still hurt, despite my being careful. I welcomed that pain, strangely. It made me feel something other than numb.

‘What the hell did you do?’ he was suddenly on the bed beside me, tilting my face towards his and my breath caught in my throat at the close proximity. Everything dropped out of my head just for that split second and I forgot it all, everything.

‘Even your face is burned’ he whispered sadly, tracing his thumb so lightly over my collarbone, my cheek, just above my lips.

‘It doesn’t hurt’ I lied and he just shook his head at me, knocking me back into reality. I could feel anger fizzling away inside of me, the most melancholy depression escaping through every crevice in my body, loathing and resentment eating away inside of me, all since this afternoon. I could feel it and it was so hard not to throw it all at the person in front of me, to cry and hit and scream.

I just didn’t want to bloody hurt him.

He didn’t believe me. He grabbed some tissues and held them under the tap, dabbing away at me for what seemed like hours, arms, legs, face, every piece of me that wasn’t covered by the towel. He kept stopping and just glancing up and me and I wanted him to just make it all go away, hold me as tight as he could and let me wake up in a time where it wouldn’t hurt.

‘Did you do it on purpose?’ he asked as he dabbed on my nose, light as a feather. I simply shook my head, making him withdraw the tissue and drop it next to us on the covers, just staring.

‘Snap out of it’ he said almost harshly and I looked up in surprise, meeting his eyes which were sad, angry.

‘What?’

‘Don’t you bloody dare, alright? Don’t you give up, you’re not not going to do this Harley, you’re not’.

'Do what?'

'Hurt yourself' he said, letting a growl escape his lips.

‘What’s the other option?’ I glared at him and all the anger was gone, just replaced with an emotion I couldn’t identify. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped himself, taking a breath.

‘I’m sorry’ he started, ‘You’re self destructing. The second you do that, this all becomes pointless’.

‘It already has’ I said, bluntly.

‘How can you say that?’ he asked, anger lighting up his eyes again. It wasn’t a terrifying kind of anger which I wasn’t sure he was even capable of directing at me, it was frustrated, like somebody who was desperate. Almost as desperate as me.

‘Because my family is dead’.

‘And you’re alive’ he said, grabbing my shoulders and releasing me when I gasped at the pain of his touch.

‘Sorry, I forgot’ he looked regretful and picked up the tissue again, half heartedly dabbing at my shoulders, running the material over my skin which left a trail of goosebumps. Lucas would be slapping him over the head now, telling him to get off his sister. I would probably be peeved, tell him to stop stalking me. He’d laugh. He hugged me right outside that house before we picked the lock, told me he loved me, said everything was going to end up fine. He and Lauren were similar. I wondered if her and Matt were alive but knew without a shadow of doubt that they were dead by now. Wasn’t everyone? I wanted Lauren to know Lucas was dead. I wanted somebody else to grieve.

Maybe that was sick. I was losing the will to care.

A long time passed before Keith and I sank down onto the bed as he whispered stories to me, trying to get me to sleep in what he thought was a discreet way. He told me about his little sister, his family, his old friends. He told me about the time his boss fired him and Keith serenaded him with a tin of Heinz beans and got his job back, the time he when he was nine and fell into a lake at an animal show, what his little sister’s favourite drink is, his holiday to Greece. He didn’t ask me to reply or expect any responses which made everything so much easier and I adored him for it. I noticed as his voice got quieter and quieter that he thought I was asleep; my quiet laughter had resided into nothing but steady breaths. I almost gasped when I felt him softly pull me further into his body and again, almost visible jumped when I heard his quiet voice almost get lost in the air.

‘Sweet dreams, sunshine’.

It was silent for hours.

I just lay, not even able to listen to the bustle of cars and people outside the window. Not a sound as we lay still, Keith asleep behind me, not a sound as I lay with silent tears dripping onto the bed sheets, not a sound.

Silence.

Such heavy silence, such heavy tears.

Tears. So many.

Why wouldn’t the hurt go away?

Why?

Silence. Silence. Silence.

Keith’s breathing was so steady, so relaxing. It almost calmed me as my body began to shake with whatever emotion was trying to surface. Darkness surrounded us and it was anything but comforting; everybody else seemed to have forgotten those creatures roaming maybe no more than twenty metres away but I hadn’t. My body was awake, alert, I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I tried and I did try for several hours but every time my eyes closed, I saw the infected man who wrestled me to the floor, biting, grabbing. A thudding headache wasn’t helping my attempts to sleep and a sickness swelling in my stomach fulled by the images I was seeing didn’t help either.

I tried. I closed my eyes and saw Lucas, opened them and let a tear fall. Closed my eyes and reached for my parents, remembered they were dead and went cold. Closed my eyes and imagined the prospect of my new life, went numb.

Realised I was selfish.

Couldn’t muster the will to care.

Grateful for the boy embracing me. Wanted him closer. Couldn't even have that. Would he live?

Yes. No. Yes.

Yes.

Breathing was so hard.

I wondered if Percy was okay.

Yes. No.

Yes.

It hurt.

Cried, blinked, cold.

Breathed, cried.

Cried, cold.

Cold.

Cold.

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Thanks for reading, not sure about this but lemme know what you think. <3