Chapter 19: Chapter eighteen

Sorry about the slow uploads but I'm in the middle of my A levels and I JUST took a sociology exam about half an hour ago. Three exams left so the second they're finished, I have the whole summer free. :']

Chapter eighteen

The morning arrived slowly and I didn’t know if I was grateful for that. My body was still in disarray, my emotions made no sense. Numb. That was still the only word I could find to describe my state, laying still, breathing, breathing. Keith shifted behind me and I wondered if he’d slept, if his steady breathing was supposed to lull me into a sense of security.

It did. He knew the right things to do. Even I didn’t know the right things to do anymore.

‘Morning’ he said groggily and I could hear the smile in his voice as his pulled me closer to him. I fought to stay detached but it didn’t work as I was surrounded by his arms, warm and inviting. I found myself turning to face him, forgetting the state of my face which would show the residue of a full night’s crying.

When I turned, a small smile played on his lips, eyes crinkled with happiness and a deep groove from his sleeve engraved into his cheek. That expression lasted for a second until it dropped, replaced with surprise, then shock, then confusion, then dawning realisation.

‘You just remembered?’ I asked quietly, not knowing if I was referring to Lucas, the army, the last couple of days or this whole nightmare. Maybe he expected to wake up in his room. I would have, had I slept.

‘Yeah’ he smiled again but it wasn’t the same, ‘I thought we were back in the shop’.

‘I remember’ I did remember and I flexed my fingers, not liking the empty feeling, wishing for fingers in between mine. Not just any fingers, though. I thought back in that shop that the worst thing in the world had already happened. Now I only wanted to go back to then and realise that I still had so much.

‘Did you sleep much?’ he asked, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. I briefly wondered about lying but I didn’t see the point, he’d find out anyway.

‘Not at all. You did?’

‘Yeah, I feel bad though, you should have woken me’.

‘I was alright, needed the thinking time’ I lied. I didn’t. I didn’t want it.

‘How do you feel?’

‘Weird’ now I was being honest, ‘You?’

He frowned and it didn’t make him look any less beautiful. His hair was messy, lines all over his face and bags under his eyes but it didn’t blemish him at all.

‘Yeah, weird just about covers it’ he sighed and lifted himself with an arm, ‘Im gonna go down and see if I can scrounge us some breakfast, you wanna come?’

‘I’ll be okay’.

I saw the worry in his eyes but he composed himself, letting out a small laugh.

‘I’m still scared to let you out of my sight’ he admitted, looking embarrassed, ‘That’s ridiculous, isn’t it?’

‘No’ I smiled at his expression, wanting to be captured up in his arms again, ‘No, it’s not stupid. I’ll be okay though. Go, I’m hungry’.

‘Yes ma’am’ he winked and left quickly, leaving me sat on the bed, hot and sweating.

I went through the motions; changed clothes, ran a hand through my hair to straighten it out and washed my face. I didn’t think. Put some shoes on, paced, looked out the window and didn’t think. Gingerly touched my leg, noticed it felt okay, didn't think. Picked up one of the bags, rifled through it, noticed Lucas had left a box with my name on it and tried not to cry at his handwriting.

Opened it.

Tubes of mascara, eyeliner, a little silver necklace and bracelet. Xbox games, a couple of t-shirts. The lemonade, sticky notes and pencils.

He picked them all up for me across this journey.

I cried some more, fell to the floor and screamed my lungs out into a pillow. Composed myself, made a decision.

I was fine. I was fine.

Cold.

So I did what a fine person would do. I walked into the bathroom and stared down my pale reflection, purple bags under eyes and a worn expression to match. I pulled out the stick of eyeliner and applied it to my top and bottom lids, adding on the mascara as an afterthought. I gave my face a proper wash with the oils which were left out and rifled through the bags and found a pair of black skinny jeans and a nice, slim fitting white top. When I returned to the mirror, I almost marvelled at how much like me I looked. I thought it would make me feel better but it was a struggle not to cry again and as I walked into the main room holding back tears, I jumped at the sight of keith coming in and he stopped dead at the sight of me.

‘Wow’ he muttered, not taking his eyes off of me. I waited for him to say something else, unsure if a stick of make up could warrant that reaction.

‘You look gorgeous’ he said, taking a step closer to me, ‘But you don’t need that make-up’.

‘Oh’.

‘No, I mean it looks great. You look great. You just don’t need to do yourself up. You look best when you wake up, messy hair n’ all that’ he sent me a smile which was almost shy, pulling a strand of hair out from my brushed locks and letting it fall over my face.

I let myself think.

Those were words every girl wanted to hear. A rush of something powered through my system and I actually felt myself tear up. It could have been the fact someone cared about me this much in a place where we were doomed or maybe it was the fact I cared about this boy and I was paralysed with fear about losing him.

Or maybe, just maybe, his words made me feel a little bit of happiness I was guilt ridden to feel.

It wasn’t a crime. Maybe I was allowed to smile again for just a second, maybe even right now. My grief was overwhelming but so was this feeling about the boy in front of me.

He understood in a way nobody else in the world ever would. Percy would have a vague idea; he would be the closest yet he wouldn’t even touch it. The funny thing was, whatever I had with Keith was based on misery, infection and death.

Yet somehow, it felt so exhilarating, so incredible, so able to fix my rapidly breaking soul.

Overwhelming.

Ten minutes ago I had been hopelessly screaming into a pillow. Now Keith was here and so much of that lost hope had resided. There was a belief again, the feeling that I wasn’t alone, the feeling that I could feel possibly feel even a little good again. Of course I knew that the feeling wouldn’t be permanent, my brain was just doing a very good job of blocking out the idea of a future without the people I loved. Right in this second, I was living in the present. I had to. It would keep me alive, it would keep Keith and I alive. This whole thing had been based on living each day as it came. Yesterday had been the worst day of my life. Today my Lucas would be proud of me.

‘You’ I mumbled, letting the tears fall. They weren’t foreign, I didn’t fear crying anymore. I laughed out loud at Keith’s panicked face as he obviously wondered what he’d said wrong.

‘I didn’t mean you don’t look good, you ju-‘

‘Shut up’ I said quietly and it silenced him instantly and I fleetingly wondered what to do. I let instinct set it, followed my heart. It was broken and torn and more than confused but right now, I was sure of one thing and one thing only.

I kissed him for the first time, closing the space between us till he couldn’t wonder what my motives were anymore. My heart stopped when he didn’t react but soon raced again when he let out a soft groan and tugged me into him, responding just as fiercely as I was, tight arms and fast beating hearts, heat and passion.

‘No’ he said breathlessly as he pushed me away from him, sending my heart spiralling to my feet as I stood rejected.

‘What is it?’ I asked meekly, realising I wasn’t ready to be alone.

‘You…’ he was still breathless, as was I, ‘You just lost your brother Harley, I’m not gonna take advantage of that, I c-‘

‘You aren’t’ I told him in a firm voice and  I knew that as soon as I said it that it was the truth.

‘Do you ever let me finish my bloody sentences?’ he asked in a frustrated voice, bringing a hand up to drag through his hair.

‘What did you say?’

‘I said, do you ever let me finish my bloody sente-‘

I cut him off with another firm kiss, pressing myself into him as hard as I could, winding my arms around his neck with such need and desperation that I wondered if I’d crumble if he refused me.

He didn’t.

He held me even tighter and I knew I’d never felt a need quite like this, quite like him. My own crack cocaine, I wanted every bit of him, I needed it. Minutes passed as we stayed like this, losing all the more breath every second our lips were locked. I don’t know when it happened but my knees eventually buckled and I found myself falling backwards onto a soft material, covers surrounding me. Keith landed right on top of me and a crooked smile appeared on his face as he looked right at me.

‘Well that was rude’ he whispered, voice cracking as he tried to catch his breath.

‘What was?’ my voice was equally strained, my body was on fire. So was his, I could feel it.

‘You really do never let me finish my sentences, do you Sunshine?’

I laughed freely, held on as tight to Keith as was physically possible. I still hurt so much but it was masked with whatever this emotion was. I’d never felt anything like it before.

‘No’ I mumbled, wondering when he’d touch me again. My free hand wound round his neck and his moved to my waist, tracing circles, driving me crazy. I’d never done this before and in a moment of rashness, I asked if he had.

‘Never like this’ he breathed out of rhythm, ‘never like this’.

He did it; held onto my face and repeated this whole thing again. It was soft, tender like he wanted to savour it, kisses which melted me from the inside out. I forgot everything, drank in the moment, the moments. I barely registered when his hands moved roung to my back and as my own hands found my way under his shirt, gripping onto this firm body, tracing the scar I’d been so curious about. This seemed to stir something in him because our movements were suddenly frantic and I didn’t have the willpower to hold out, I kissed him with everything I had, dragging my hands through his hair and forgetting to breathe as I did. He did the same, pulling me in, pressing himself down onto me and letting me roll over till I was on top, I had the control. I knew what I wanted.

I knew.

His hand continued to move t the hem of my bra when he suddenly stopped, letting out a heavy sigh, trying to regain his breath. The unwelcome stop triggered my breathing again as I looked into his eyes curiously.

‘You don’t…’ He tried to catch his breath, ‘You don’t know how much I want this’ he looked at me sincerely, lifting me off of his body slowly with another deep breath.

‘Then what’s wrong?’ I asked as I sat up, looking at him sat next to me, dishevelled and sweating. His eyes were filled with lust and something else I couldn’t pinpoint. I liked it.

‘It’s not right. I mean, it’s right’ he spoke unsteadily, looking as though he still wasn’t quite in control of his breathing, ‘But I can’t take advantage of you like this’.

‘I already said you’re n-‘

‘I know, I’m not taking advantage. Not on purpose anyway. You’re vulnerable, sunshine, you need someone and that happens to be me’.

‘It’s not like that’ I sighed, wishing he would believe me.

‘I know. You don’t realise it yet but I don’t ever want you to regret this and you will. You need some time to think about what you want’.

I want you I thought but I knew he was right, just not the way he thought he was. He thought I was still unsure about what I felt but I knew. He was right, I didn’t want this to be tainted with my misery, I didn’t want him to think he was a shoulder to cry on, that I’d sleep with him to erase the pain. Maybe it would do exactly that but that wasn’t why I wanted it. He meant so much to me. So fucking much.

‘I never wanted this to forget’ I told him, shifting a little closer.

‘I know. Well, I hoped so’ he said with the tiniest smile, grasping my hand in his.

‘You hoped?’ I’d heard him saying all those things in that shop, I’d felt the passion in those kisses and this electricity he had but it still felt crazy to think maybe he felt all these jumble of things I felt. That maybe there was something good in this. We hadn’t acknowledged it, maybe in the real world we’d have been a couple. In the real world, we wouldn’t steal kisses, unsure about what they meant. We wouldn’t fight side by side every day,  becoming closer with every inch of pain. We wouldn’t both avoid the subject of the future, I wouldn’t spend each night in his arms, enthralled and distraught. It wouldn’t feel the same. It wouldn’t be anywhere near as strong.

‘Really’ he murmered, using his hand to trace the crumpled bed sheets, ‘I know I shouldn’t even be talking about this but I’ve been so distracted. Sometimes I think I’m being an absolute asshole then other times you kiss me like this and I feel like we might have a hope in hell surviving this together’.

‘You’ve never been an asshole’ I frowned, only really listening to the part where he said we’d survive this together.

‘Every time I wanted you, wanted to kiss you, wanted to get you alone to talk to you – I felt like an idiot. We’re running for our lives and here I am, chasing this beautiful girl who I’m sure thinks I’m some kind of pansy-‘

‘With those arms?’ I asked, raising an eyebrow, ‘I bet you raised hell in Sainsburys’.

He laughed loudly, showing me his teeth which seemed to be flawless.

I took a deep breath, ‘I never got to answer you up on that roof’ I said, praying he’d remember. When his eyebrows shot up, I knew he did.

‘Well?’ he asked almost inaudibly, awaiting my response. I paused for a moment, looking for the right way to sum up exactly how to phrase this.

‘I feel it. You asked if I feel it, and I feel it. Like it’s the first and last time I’ll feel anything’. I wasn't usually so eloquent or brave but then, things had changed now. I had changed; it was a feeling within myself which was difficult to ignore.

He smiled so purely and moved both of his hands to my face, eyes full, warm.

‘You wanna know what your brother said to me?’ he asked, making my shoulders go rigid. A cold sweat shot over my body and a knot tightened in my stomach but I knew I was more ready now than I ever would be, even if I'd never be ready again.

‘Yes’.

‘He told me’ Keith started, bringing his face closer to mine, ‘to love you in the way I’m trying not to. He told me you needed me. And he told me I needed you. He told me to love you’.

I was silenced, awed at this conversation which had passed between the two boys. The repressed image of us all sat on the concrete appeared in my mind and I teared up again, trying so hard not to let sadness wash over me. I was scared for the question I was about to ask, terrified in fact. Right now, he had every inch of me.

‘And what did you say?’ I croaked.

‘I told him the truth – he has nothing to worry about’.

******

Julia Sawyer

We heard the helicopters from our haven (otherwise known as the roof) and each leapt from our spots waving and screaming frantically. It occurred to none of us that the screaming would make us parched for later and that we would wear ourselves out but after four hours out in the cold, pushing against each other for heat, it didn’t matter.

‘Help us, god damn you!’ Wilson yelled in his ridiculously deep voice, shaking his fist towards the whirring object. I screamed right along with him and the others beside me, willing the retreating object to turn around. The noise would attract every infected in the area so we had to leave otherwise this vehicle had just signed our death warrants.

In other words, the bastard had to stop.

I couldn’t get Diane out of my head; I wanted to believe my sister had survived but it was impossible. She didn’t live too far from one of my houses yet we never saw each other. I had been an idiot, I wished we’d spent more time together. If Diane was gone, that meant her children were dead too. That in itself was beyond tragic, it’d been so long since I’d seen them that all I could remember was the innocence in Harley’s eyes, the fun in Lucas’. Joel just looked as though he was barely ready to see the world yet.

I hoped his parents covered his eyes.

The helicopter landed on the roof but I didn’t feel relief. Even as we floated over Scotland and Wales where I knew all the survivors would be getting saved, I didn’t feel relief. I prayed for someone I knew to be okay but I knew better than that.

I just stared down at the carnage beneath me, wondering if tumbling to my death was the better way to go after all.

****

Harley Sawyer

‘It’s impossible, isn’t it?’ he laughed to himself, ‘I’ve known you, what, a week? When you disappeared behind that wall, that’s when I knew I’d break without you. I was fine, all this time. I was doing okay with my job, okay with my life, okay with my art. But it was all just okay, you know?’

‘I know’ I uttered. I did.

‘And everything is ruined, everything I know is gone, maybe forever. But I feel like I’ve gained something instead. Like I’ve lost everything but I’ve never been better off’.

‘How?’ I breathed. I understood. I knew. I knew.

‘You, stupid’ he laughed to himself, eyes flaming into mine, ‘You. If you walked away now… I don’t even know. I brought you here to try and protect us but I think I’ve made a fucking awful mistake, Sunshine’.

‘No…’ I trailed off, unsure what to answer first. He was making my chest go mad and I didn’t hate it, at all, ‘Look, we have breakfast’ I pointed down to the cornflakes and saw a tear fall into the mixture. I was crying and this time, it was a bowl of cornflakes which reminded me.

‘Hey, Harley?’ he lifted my face up with the tip of hs thumb, smiling sweetly, ‘When we make it out of here, do you wanna get a coffee or something?’

I laughed and he smiled, letting that smile turn into a grin, then a laugh.

’I think I’d like that’ I continued to laugh until he’d pulled me into his arms and I was safe.

Percy knocked on the door no more than an hour later, Keith and I were just reminiscing into our cornflakes. It wasn’t just my family we talked about, Keith mentioned his too although he was very discreet about it, very secretive. I asked him if he wanted to talk but he still wouldn’t tell me about the call. Curiosity was getting the better of me – I didn’t understand what it could be. His family were away from here, safe. His best friend, like mine, was dead. Unless it was somebody else – a neighbour, a family friend, an ex girlfriend? I felt complete guilt when a shot of jealousy panged through my body and shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of it. I got the impression it didn’t end well with his girlfriend and even if it had, it was none of my business. We weren’t anything, were we? Who knew? Who knew. In theory, there were much more pressing matters to worry about. In my head, I craved an escape. I found none.

‘I tried to, uh…’ Percy trailed off, pressing his index fingers together repeatedly, ‘I tried to go see Lucas’. My eyes shot to the doorway expecting to see my brother leaning up against the frame and this time, it hurt just a teeny bit more when I didn’t see him.

‘And?’ Keith was pointly looking to gage my reaction and I gave him nothing. I wanted to know what he’d seen, if I wanted to see it.

‘They were such incompetent fools’ Percy crinkled his nose distastefully like he had when he first met us all, ‘They wouldn’t…’ he looked my way as if suddenly remembering my precense. His voice became quiet, ‘They wouldn’t let me in, actually raised their guns to me when I tried to walk in the medical room!’

‘Medical room?’ I hadn’t expected that. We were in a hotel, I hadn’t liked to think about where they’d kept my brother. I knew that it would never be good enogh for him and so when I'd reminisced with the boy next to me, I was careful to talk about Lucas in a way that wouldn't break me.

‘A makeshift one downstairs on the ground floor, from the way they were talking I think there’s some kind of small lab underground’.

‘Jesus, seriously?’ Keith started to stand up and I moved to go with him but Percy continued.

‘I talked to someone on the stairs, William Tennille I think his name was? Some kind of scientist, they rescued him and his friend from a lab in London, dragged them here for some reason. I asked to help, told him I study science. He wasn’t having any of it’.

‘Probably don’t want you to see all their little potions’ I spat. Weren’t scientists the reason for this mess? I bet that was the case, some little chemical gone wrong, this William guy probably did it himself! Why else was he still alive and kicking, valuable to the army? Bastard.

‘I’m going to find my brother’ I declared with an air of finality, stomping toward the door.

‘I’m coming’ Percy jumped up with me and stood a stride behind me, Keith just ahead of him.

‘Come on then’ he said, ‘I think it’s about time we found some stuff out’.

Weird summed it up.

A month ago I thought I was going to be somebody – make films in the industry; I was going to take an apprenticeship with ITV next month in November. I supposed that wasn’t going to happen anymore. Walking down that corridor with its fake flowers and it’s chipped wallpaper, it really hit me. It was easy to keep running and forgetting and being so caught up in day-to-day survival and keeping a plan but when everything calmed down for a moment, that’s when it all catches up, just walking down a corridor in silence.

I was suddenly so obvious that Lucas wasn’t with us. It was so blatant that I was in a hotel with two people I hadn’t known two weeks ago - my Mum was dead, my Dad was dead, my brother was dead. Skylar wasn’t here, there was no best friend to go back to after this. These were thoughts which had whirred around my brain before but I hadn’t truly felt them until now. I thought I had but as my knees buckled under me and I forgot to breathe, I realised that pain was a fraction of the loss I was feeling now.

That I would feel forever.

Forever was such a daunting word.

‘Woah, Harley?’ Percy turned to see me on the floor, struggling to breathe as my heart palpitated and throat closed up.

I was going to die.

He and Keith ran straight to me on the floor, crouched to my level.

‘Harley?’ Percy was panicking, I felt awful for making his yes well up like that. Maybe I was infected after all, maybe this was the effect it had. This was probably what happened to my parents - at least Lucas didn’t have to turn. I thanked somebody for that.

‘Harley, calm down’ Keith had his hands on both of my cheeks, face so close to mine, ‘Look me in the eye, look at me’.

I did. I felt warmer and calmer but my body still went crazy, frenzied even more in fact. My heart was beating so fast I feared it would stop and cold flushes were running up and down every centimetre of my skin. I missed them. I missed them so much and my body was dying slowly. I couldn’t breathe at all now and my eyes widened at this realisation.

How had I laughed while this pain swam around my gut? How had I managed to walk, breathe, talk? Oh god, it was too much. It was too much.

‘Help’ I tried to choke out but only the strangest hissing sound escaped. Keith suddenly looked scared and jumped to his feet.

‘I’ll get help, keep her breathing!’ he was gone in an instant and Percy was left hyperventilating, patting me down, talking nonsense.

‘Okay, breathe! Do you remember the time earlier when you breathed? Do that!’

Maybe I would have laughed if I didn’t feel so damn cold, inside and out. The corridor morphed into a mess of colours and in my eyes, I was alone. I stopped trying to breathe, just let myself fall limp. I didn’t want to die but I wanted to die. I didn’t want to die but I wanted to die.

It was awful.

‘No, Harley, wake up!’ Percy yelled loud enough I was sure everyone would hear. Was I asleep? I felt it.

‘Is she conscious?’ Keith’s voice suddenly broke into my haze as a blur of colour landed in front of me, a face out of proportion, spinning within the colours.

‘I don’t know, I don’t know! I don’t think she’s breathing!’

Was I? My heart beat in my throat and I realised he was right, I wasn’t breathing. Maybe that was why I hurt so. Or maybe it was just the shards of heart which were left finally cutting off my arteries.

Keith.

Oh, I didn’t want to die without him. I grasped air sluggishly and felt nothing as the colours started to fade to grey and my heart beat dangerously slowly. I wanted to die but I didn’t want to die, I wanted to die but I didn’t want to die. Poor Joel, he was probably scared. Poor Keith, he was scared too, poor Percy, lovely Percy.

I didn’t want to die.

I didn’t want to die.

I panicked as I tried to suck in all the air I’d lost in the last minute or so but I couldn’t, my stupid lungs wouldn’t let me. I could hear the boys becoming frantic and yelling, new voices coming closer until all I could see was black. I panicked some more as I tried to scream that I was blind but nothing came out and I let myself be content with the tears falling down my face and the end of the pain as blackness swallowed me up.

I didn’t know how long it’d been but I woke up with a ringing in my head and a throbbing coming from inside my eyes. I couldn’t open them and found myself panicking internally.

‘Lucas?’ I called, feeling the space in front of me with my fingers. I clutched at nothing and tried to breathe evenly, willing my eyes to open.

They did.

‘Lucas?’ I repeated, massaging my temple till the thumping morphed into an ache. The room around me was a mix of dull grey and white which was a little bit too bright, a little bit too friendly. I felt so empty, so hollow like something terrible had happened; death was looming over me like an unwanted visitor.

‘Oh god, you’re awake’ Keith jogged into the room and called for a doctor while I massaged my head, confused at what exactly was happening.I remembered being in a hotel room, walking down the corridor to find my brother. Where was he anyway? It was typical of him to wander off, he always did it when we went to town together. 'I don't like your little indie shops, dear' he'd chuckle as he left me pouting, coming back when he felt guilty.

‘Lucas?’ I repeated to Keith, letting my stomach twist uncomfortably when his face paled and his eyes widened.

‘What do you remember?’ he asked in a whisper as Percy walked into the room, letting out a kind of cry as he saw me, throwing himself towards my bedside.

‘Oh god, I thought you were going to die…’ he mumbled incoherently as he awkwardly squeezed my shoulder, glancing from Keith to me continuously.

‘I’m fine’ I said in a bit of a daze, ‘I remember the hotel room and the bed and…’ I trailed off as I remembered what had happened between Keith and I and tried to hide the blush which was flaming around my face, ‘…and having a shower, then we went to go find Lucas, right? Did I fall? Is he worried?’ I gabbled, craning my neck to see if he was behind me, ready to scold me for being so stupid. I wasn't in the mood to be yelled at but I surely deserved it.

‘You didn’t fall’ Keith said in a subdued manner, responding to Percy’s horrified expression. I was beginning to feel the familiar stirrings of worry now; there was something they weren’t telling me, ‘Do you remember speaking with your parents?'

‘Yeah…’ I replied slowly, really beginning to feel panicked now, ‘We’re finding them, remember?’ I still spoke slowly but my voice was beginning to crack, something felt so horribly wrong.

‘Defence mechanism’ Percy said quietly, ‘I’ve studied all of this, sometimes severe emotional trauma can damage you physically, people end up building walls around themselves to forget what happened… till they actually forget what happened’.

‘Oh, god’ Keith groaned into his hands and took a step towards my bed.

‘Are you talking about me? I am here, you know!’ I protested, waiting for them to sit and explain exactly what they were talking about. I trusted them, they wouldn’t keep things from me, my brother wouldn’t. Keith, the things he’d said back up in that room, I remembered them so vividly. Something had happened, hadn’t it? Before all that, it was tainted with something dark.

‘Oh, Harley’ Keith looked up into my eyes and let his fingers trace my jawline till those familiar feelings were stirring within me and I realised how lucky I was in this moment.

‘Do you want me to stay and…’ Percy trailed off and took a breath, speaking quietly to Keith till I couldn’t hear him anymore. Keith nodded and sat down on the bed, taking my hand and caressing it gently. His eyes were full of hurt but still full of life, emerald and gleaming, that strong body pulling me in.

‘You remember how I feel about you?’ he asked quietly, face so close to mine.

‘Of course I remember’ I muttered, surprised when the burn of tears appeared in the back of my eyes. My body was trying to tell me something.

Keith’s eyes closed and his palms were sweating onto my hands.

‘We were running, fighting’ he started in a low voice, ‘We were in the shop, remember? You got a phone call…’

My stomach dropped but I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t remember the phones working again.

‘The phones work - that’s good, isn’t it?’ I tried to laugh but it didn’t leave my mouth as intended.

‘Not anymore. Your Mum called you, Harley’.

Why was he speaking so solemnly? I remembered something, something bad. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach my hands were shaking but I didn’t know why.

‘Keith?’ I asked with a tremor in my voice.

He bit his lip and pulled me into him till my face was pressed into the material of his jumper and blackness engulfed my vision.

‘Close your eyes’.

I did.

‘Do you remember the phone conversation?’

‘No’.

I was starting to remember.

‘Do you remember the antiques shop?’

I was remembering. Panic, such panic. And blood. Whose blood?

‘The army?’

The army.

I remembered. It all came flooding back to me at triple speed, my parents dying, not knowing Joel’s whereabouts, Lucas…

I knew he felt me freeze in his arms and tightened onto me, not letting me move.

How cruel. How very cruel all this was happening again. How awful of me to forget. How disgusting of me. I had to leave, I was suffocating. Dying.

I jumped from the bed, wrenching myself from his grasp, separating myself from my last hope. I remembered. If I hadn’t collapsed, I wouldn’t have forgotten. It would have hurt less today. Stupid. Stupid. I was losing myself. He couldn’t feel anything for me anyway. This was all built on lies, everything. Percy wouldn’t stay, he was too good, he’d leave. Keith would leave eventually, everyone would leave. I’d never remember myself, fun Harley, sarcastic Harley, smart Harley.

Harley. I barely recognised my own name. Keith said it a lot, I liked hearing it on his lips, like it was something sacred. Maybe I could have been someone, but not anymore. Broken. I ached for Keith as I stepped away from him, wanted to hear Percy’s voice but I also wanted my brother, my baby brother, my family. My friends, the laughter, my life, the internet, TV, strawberry soap.

I was stood in somebody elses clothes without any of it. No family to speak of, all of my friends were more than likely dead.

My brother was alive.

Was he? Was he really?

Keith. We needed each other.

No. I had to let go. I had to, I wasn’t the same. I’d never be the same. I was crazy to think I could feel better, I was alone. They’d all leave, my baby brother was probably dead. How did they know he was okay?

Breathing. So, so hard.

‘You’re lovely’ I said breathlessly to a taken-aback Keith as I took one last look at him and stumbled from the room, fighting my dizziness and general lack of understanding to where I was. I followed that disgusting wallpaper as I began to run, ignoring the voices behind me till they faded out when I reached a sprint I didn’t even know I could, winding and dodging people who appaeared every now and then. By some miracle or disaster, I reached the front doors of the hotel which were being guarded by several men with guns, none of whom I recognised.

‘I’m going out’ I panted, pushing a piece of hair from my forehead which was matted with sweat. Every pair of eyes looked at me curiously and suspiciously till I was letting out a growl of frustration and trying to barge past them.

‘Hey, missy’ A blonde woman snapped at me as she gripped my arm, malice in her eyes. Angrily, I shook her hand from me, sending her a death glare as I did.

‘They sent me for supplies’ I lied easily, shaking with rage and confusion and all the bottled up emotions I needed to go release somehow. It felt like they’d always be a part of me now, stuck, welded into my personality.

‘We have supplies dear, we’re the army’ A man spoke with a warm smile and kind eyes. I couldn’t appreciate his kindess though because I was about to break down and I would not do it in front of these people.

‘If you don’t let me out, I swear to god I’ll burn this place down’ I threatened, I’ll throw rocks at the glass and set fi-‘

‘Oh, let the bitch go’ the woman laughed humourlessly, ‘She isn’t worth the money we’ll get paid - we’ll be heroes when we get out anyway, the media eat up that stuff. Imagine it! “War heroes battle for survivors in tiny hotel”.

‘Heroes?’ I clenched my teeth as I spooke, ‘You think you’re heroes? You people are the reason my brother is dead, if you hadn’t turned up and made false promises then we wouldn’t even be in this mess. I bet you started this all too, didn’t you? So you could just roll in and save the day? I hope you die’ I finished, spitting the words out as if they were poison. Nobody looked surprised, I think they had been warned about me. About what their boss had done to my family.

‘We didn’t start this’ the kind man said quietly, ‘At least trust us on that, we didn’t. Those scientists downstairs are working on a cure right now, i-‘

‘I don’t care!’ I raged, ‘My mother killed herself, my Dad killed himself, my brother was shot, you think a cure is going to make it all go away? Am I supposed to be pleased you can go save everyone else? Well, I’m not! And I still don’t bloody know how this whole thing started, why this stupid disease or virus or whatever the hell it is had to ruin my family!’

‘This is all confidential informa-‘

‘Oh, confidential my ass!’ tears were streaming now as my body started to fail on me once again, heart screaming and muscles jerking, ‘Tell us, tell us all! We deserve to know! What was it, those scientist guys trying to cure a disease? A war weapon? What? What was so fucking important that everybody had to die?

‘It was nothing like that’ another man said calmly, gun still pointed at me. I hadn’t noticed before but the little red dot was trained right into my head. That little red dot.

‘It’s best you don’t know’ the man with warm eyes still spoke quietly, his gun at his side, ‘It won’t bring the people you love back’.

‘No, no it won’t’ I whispered, knowing that nothing would. Nothing would fill this void. No reason to create this virus would ever be good enough. I’d find out, I wanted to - my drive just wasn’t there though, I couldn’t make my legs go demand answers from the scientists. I was tired, on the inside and out. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget.

I took the opportunity and dove towards the doors, shoving them open and choking in the air which hit me full on. Though I was sure it was still October, the air was strangely warm and the sun beamed down at me in the sky harshly, as if to mock me.

‘Go’ I willed my legs to move as I dodged the hands trying to rain me back in, running down the empty road, not fearful, not knowing where I was going, not caring.

The air was my saving grace, blowing into my face, giving me something to fight against. If I kepy moving, I’d never have to stop and think again. I could keep fighting the air.

I ran and ran and ran. It was only now I seemed to remember the injury to my leg, only now the pain seemed obvious to me. Hadn't they told me that when I started running, the pain would come back in full force? I hadn't cared about my own physical pain when the conflicts inside of me had been so strong. Now I was running again, I had to care because the beginnings of a muscle twiting itself out of shape once moreafter a rest was starting and there wasn't too much I could do when the only way I could survive was to run.

Infected.

The thought seemed to hit me as hard as it did the first time I saw one in front of me, that feeling which drops your stomach and causes that moment on paralysis where you freeze and suddenly realise how vulnerable you are. It was as if minutes of running jerked my brain into reality for just a split second and I realised I was outside the barriers, out in the world which was killing everyone.

I wanted to pretend I still didn’t care, but I was frozen with fear in the middle of that road, confused and alone. My thoughts were ambiguous, I was scared but uncaring, alone but with the feeling of being watched, hollow but full, broken but being fixed.

Keith was back there. I hoped he hadn’t followed me. I didn’t want him out here.

Out here.

I shuddered whipping my head round to look for the hotel. It was gone. Gone? It couldn’t have been, had it moved? No, no, I had run. How long had I been running for. Oh god, I had zoned out, let my thoughts drop from my head until that colours changed and my brain woke up. I had seen roads and shops, then trees, then more shops, then shops. Houses, shops.

Hours. Had I been running for hours? Was it possible?

All sense of everything was gone. I was a shell. I was scared.

Growling. Was I imagining it? Oh god, I needed to get a grip. Lucas - if he was here now, what would he do? If. Oh god, that misery needed to leave, I needed to think rationally! I was on a road, alone. I had run for I didn’t know how long, if I turned back around, maybe my unconscious mind would remember things.

I tried. It didn’t

I panicked, regretted what I had done. I was passing through different stages of grief, I didn’t understand. It was all hitting me and now I was alone. I needed someone.

Keith. Lucas. My mum would understand, wouldn’t she? A hot chocolate, a cuddle. Maybe Keith would have done that for me if I’d stayed. He’d done everything to protect me, I was selfish, a bitch like that woman had said. I’d die alone and he’d hate me, so would Percy and Lucas, so would everyone who ever knew me, even me. I wasn’t ready to die!

A growl.

A growl sounded and there it was, crawling across the floor, throwing my heart to my throat. Then another and another and another, then a crowd and an army of dead, crawling and snapping and reaching towards me, appearing from nowhere. They’d heard my heartbeat. Blood and saliva and skin dripping from them as they clawed, eyes dead, white, skin pale.

There was no white horse. I needed help in so many senses and I had ruined it. If I lived, I would grieve like Percy was grieving, I would be stronger, I wold try harder.

Empty promises. I meant them, but I would have no chance. I just wanted a goodbye.

Just a goodbye.