Not everyone is blessed with a family that cares. Some of us grow up in a toxic environment where either of the parent hates your guts without any reason. Sometimes its both of them together, plus the siblings. All the angst and the childhood trauma one has to suffer. And that childhood trauma that makes them so ill apt at living a normal life. Parents don't realize how their fukup effects the children, not even when you tell them. Not only the lives of their children, but their respective future partner and the future generations. And that was why Behzad had pledged that he would never marry. The toxicity would stop with his father.
Sometimes when his father was losing his calm and Behzad was on the verge of losing his sanity, it took everything in him to not shout "I didn't ask to be born. Itni nafrat the tu paida na kartay..." [If you hated me so much then , shouldnt have given birth to me.]
If this isn't established yet, Behzad and his father don't get along much. Or let's just say they are chalk and cheese. And to avoid the blend of chalk and cheese, Behzad had some ground rules.
1: Avoid Haider Sahab, unless it was life and death situation.
2:All the conversations should be as brief as possible.
3: For major conversations, that involved more than "Salam" make sure third party was present.
4: Avoid being home on holidays!
Life was good for Behzad, as long as he wasn't at home. And he was rarely home. Some days he was really thankful that his father sent him to hostel. Away from the daily lectures and depression. During the holidays, he made sure he stayed at the hostel. No matter how badly he tried to fail his courses; he was forced to go home by the warden during the summers due to the hostels closing. And it was a nightmare. But Bestie, Mehr-un-Nisa and some of his friends made the stay bearable. He used to spent that time out of the Khadim haveli. Either with his friends, playing football or with his neighbour Bestie and Mehr-un-Nisa. That one summer that he had spent with Bestie and Mehr-un-Nisa was the best one.
Haider Malik disliked his younger son as much as his younger son disliked him. Actually, more which was why it was surprising when the warden had informed Behzad that due to some family emergency he had to go back to Skardu. He was anxious. He had called home just to make sure everyone was still alive and they all were. He might despise his father for being crappy, that didn't mean he wanted him to die. Toxic or not, Haider Malik was still his father.
Kya baat ho sakti hai?(What could it be?)Is this about Lareb? Is Lareb getting married and I am not informed? No, Lareb would tell me. Is this about Shehzad?
He had wondered the reasons of the summoning, throughout the journey.
With his final year just a month away, his life was in full swing at college. There were applications that needed to be send, majors he needed decide and so much more. Glancing at the veranda, he let out a long sigh to overcome the impatience and nervousness.
Funny how his dada was named Khadim but was no Khadim at all! He stopped calling the mansion, home after his mother's death. It wasn't home. A home is a happy place where you feel wanted and cherished. 'Khadim House' was just his father's circus where his father played the ring Master and the rest of them were his minions!
Last Eid, his father had announced that he was only paying for his education because he couldn't let 'Behzad soil the family name with his illiteracy'. Haider Malik didn't fail to express his disappointment and Behzad didn't fail to disappoint him. Nothing like living up to your father's expectations, after all!
Marching towards his father's study, Behzad adjusted the man bun he had grown. He couldn't wait to see his father's expression of displeasure over his overgrown hair and the unkept beard. A smile touched his lips as he imagined his father's livid expressions.
His mother would have had quite a horror if she'd see him with that lousy beard. His mother would have dropped the thali like - Lakhsman's mom from "Main HOON NA" and forced him to get that jungle deforested as soon as possible ! His mother's, who was the only person who wasn't a robot! Who unlike everyone else in the residence loved him! Behzad had quite a handful of memories of his mother who died when he was in 5th grade! She, was the one who used to cherish him. She would tousle his hair and laugh about his non serious replies to everything and anything.
His elder siblings, with whom he shared a massive age gap of 10 years never entertained him. He didn't share any kind of brotherly/ sisterly bond with them. Not even when Amma was alive and not after her passing away. It was always him and Amma and after her death it was only him.
"Mere chotu , apna bachpana kabhi nai khona !" [ My shawty don't lose your youthfulness]
She used to say kissing his forehead! He hadn't.
Life was good when his mother was alive! Allah bless his mother; she was more of a parent to him then his father ever could be!
The study room had always been his least favorite room in the house. It was where his father delivered the never-ending lectures on how Behzad was a drain to the family finances and a stain on family's honor with his careless attitude! No happy memories here, except the time when Auntie Saleha's Shih Tzu bite his father on his ass in response to a lecture on "how that uncultured dog had ruined his study".
Sniffing a laughter, he knocked on the door.
"Ajao !" [Come]
Behzad pushed open the heavy oak door and stepped inside. He was welcomed by the sooty smell of cigar his father smoked. His father was seated by the window, puffing as he read his documents!
"Baba tu bilkul normal hain," he thought.[Baba, looks alright].
Normal ? A voice asked him and he shook his head. His father was anything but normal. He shouldn't smile . He knew if he did, he'd get a lecture on how he looked like a complete idiot, smiling to his self.
It was sad! How his father was a respectable man to all the society. Okaish, father to Shehzad and Laiba but a crappy father to him. Sometimes, he felt like he was the wrong puzzle in the perfect family of Haider Malik ! Because as long as he was out of the picture , everyone seemed okay. Happy !
Behzad waited patiently for his father to look at him. Was he supposed to say 'Salam?'? Knowing how his father was, he feared it would anger him for disturbing his silence. He had learned this lesson the hard way. The memory flashed in the back of his mind of when he was 13. He had comeback from hostel after winning the meter race! He had run and greeted his father, dangling the plastic trophy! Only to get a beating.
Shaking his head to get the visual out of his mind, he tapped his foot anxiously and then cleared his throat. But no response! Nothing! It was usual routine for his father to ignore his existence!
Behzad grinded his teeth! He considered saying "Assalam Alikum , Baba ! App thek hain ??"
Nai thora zyda ho raha hai. "Assalam Alikum ! Baba app nay bulaaya"? [Baba, Are you alright? No it seems a little over. Assalam-Alikum Baba. Did you call me?]
In the end he only uttered, "Assalam Alikum!"
His father looked up , passed him a look of disdain but didn't reply. Putting down the papers he looked at him and snapped, "Stop tapping your foot."
Behzad raised an eyebrow and then ceased. He folded his hands behind his back and started drumming his fingers. He was restless.
"Can't you stand up straight? Kitni dafa tumhain batana pare ga?" [How many times do I have to tell you?]
"Am I supposed to answer that question?" He asked and watched his father's skin redden! Bad move, Behzad.
He swallowed. He shouldn't have said that. Why could he not keep his mouth shut for once. He had spent years to win his father and had eventually given up. Now, he took satisfaction in riling his father.
"I am surprised you're here," his father said.
Behzad blinked! "App nay bulaya tha...." [You ordered me..]
It was truth. He never had defied his father. Not when he was ordered. He poked and prodded, tested his father's temper but never defied him. His mother used to say, he did all that for his father's attention. But did he?
"I never ask you to do something, expecting it to be full filled." It was an insult. Behzad said nothing.
"Mere pass zaya karnay k liye waqt nai hai. You probably are wondering what this is all about", he said as he exhaled the smoke out.
[I don't have time to waste.]
"Jee..."[Yes]
"For once you are going to be useful to the family. You are getting married !"
"Jee?"[What] Behzad chocked on the word.
"Do mahinay bad!", His father confirmed.
[After two months.]
He was only eighteen! Not even emotionally stable,financial stability tu bohat door ki baat hai.[ far from financial stability]
University, he was getting into a university. What would he do with a wife? He couldn't handle the responsibility of himself,phir wife kahan say![And where did the wife come from] And who was he getting married too? He realized, that it wasn't important who he was getting married to. He wasn't getting married and that was it. He had pledged to himself , that he would get into relationships all he wanted , but not ever marry.
"It's an excellent match. It will restore our finances.Company ko bhi faida..." [Company will benefit]
"Finances?" He asked.
"We suffered some loses.....There was a bank loan...."
"Loan? .....Kesay?"[How]
"Are you questioning my authority?Tum sikao gay k business kese chalana hai" his father snapped.[Are you going to school me on how to run a business? ]Were they really that desperate? He wondered.
"The proposal has been accepted!"
"Par Baba , I can't ...just marry anyone!" He gasped !
His father's bushy brows inched toward his hairline. "You can, and you will."
"Baba, I don't ....."
"Does it matter?"
OFCOURSE ! He wanted to shout. He wasn't going to marry anyone right now! Not when he had pledged to not marry. If he was going to break the oath , it was for her. And only her.
"All you need to do is come home for Eid and say Qabool hai! Do you understand?"
Behzad said nothing. He was shocked. Numb and lost !
"No!" Behzad snapped. The single syllable ripping it-self from his throat. "No! I can't and I will not!"
His father's eyes narrowed. "You'll be there. I didn't ask ! I ordered you"
"No!" He felt like he was choking, but some how he got the words out. "Baba.... I can't marry anybody! I am not ready for commitment!"
His father smirked! "Quite a man of morals you are!"
"It's done, Behzad," his father said sharply. "And it has to be you. Shehzad can't marry her.Uski shadi main kisi ache baray khandan main karoon ga."[I'll arrange his marriage somewhere with rich heritage.]
"Par meri nai?"[But not me] He whispered. He never understood why his father hated his guts! Why it was always Shehzad. Shehzad. Shehzad ! He looked up at his father, who had never said an encouraging word to him.
"Kyun?"[Why]Behzad asked. He was chocking again with emotions. He sounded as pathetic as he had when his father had forced him into boarding school at six to make him more disciplined while Shehzad stayed at home. Shehzad could go out with his friends, Shehzad had a car when he was eighteen on the other hand Behzad was reduced to dimes and shillings. Hell, currently Shehzad was in US living a best life as he completed his MASTERS !
A boy looks up to his father. And his father? Father? He wasn't even a father to him.
"Kyun?"[Why], he asked again a little louder this time and with authority.
His father said nothing.
"Main, bhi apka he beta hoon"[ I am your son ,too] he whispered, still unable to move his gaze from his father's hand.
Hands that had slapped him, beat him. Hands that had always patted Shehzad with affection.
"Why do you hate me so much, Baba.App itni nafrat kyun kartay hain mujhsey" he whispered.
"Mainay tumhain paal pos k is din k liye bara nai kiya tha , k tum mujhe ankhain dikhao gay?" [I didn't bring you up to see this day. Too have you stare at me in the eye]
"Paal poss kay[brought me up]?Pala app nay sirf Shehzad ko hai![You only brought Shehzad up]" Behzad laughed hysterically as he turned to walk out.
"Samaj jao agr idhar say qadam bahr nikala tu ek photi kaurdi nahi doon ga tumhain..."[Understand this, that if you take a step out from this haveli, you wont get a single dime from me.] His father threatened.
"App nay wese kon sa kuch dia hai !"[As if you were giving me anything] He said as he left.
"Apni manhos shakal mujhe kabhi maat dekhana! Ajj say mera sirf ek he beeta hai ! Maar gae ho tum mere liye." [Never show me your face again. From this day onwards, I only have a son. You are dead for me.] His father roared.
Jese k kabhi app nay mujhe apna beta samjha hai. [As if you ever treated me like a son.]18-year old Behzad whispered to himself as he walked out of Khadim Mansion promising his self never to return!
Where was he going to go now? What was he going to do. So many questions! And there was only one answer! Bestie aka Ahsan Abbass! After his mother's death bestie was the only one person to whom he could go to in times of desperate needs or days of sorrows. And Bestie had always helped him and looked out for him.
Tadaaaaa !!! What do you think about it ? lemme know ! Thek hai ?
So umm, I have realized that not all of us grow up in a happy family . Not all of us have parents who are supportive, loving , and I got your back kinds. To people, who have toxic parents :
"You got it buddy ! I am so proud of you ! Its okay. It's not your fault ! It never was!"
Song above is Din Pareshan-by Sajad Ali. I feel bad for Behzad.
Also , I hope the prologue will do some explaining for Behzad's action in future . I don't want you all to hate him for the shit , he'll do ! Because Behzad , dil ka bura nai hai....He just has issues because of his past traumas and shit childhood.
Take care , lots of love
XOXOXOXOOX
Alyna ( please please pray for me ..Thek hai?)