The trip to Skardu was far from pleasant. It would have been pleasant if her mind wasn't filled with questions and if the constant sprouts of memories, happy times she had spent with Ahsan Mamo hadn't splashed in front of her eyes. The trip had started from listening to "Saar kiye yeh pahar" by Strings.
Strings, the band she loved with all her heart. Her-teenage-self had imagined herself wearing a brown sweater, boots from timberland she had spent pachiees hazar(25k) on. She would rest her head on her tall bae's shoulder. Tall but not so tall, two three inches tall. Their fingers intertwined, she would give his hand a squeeze as she would look into his eyes when Bilal Maqsood sang ,
"Mil gaya woh jo chura kay....
Meri ankhoon say nindiyaa lagayaa tha" ( Mera Bichara yaar)
Her bae would have smiled at her animated expressions as she sang her heart out . He would shake his head at her child like excitement and then kiss her on her forehead making her already plum cheeks, scarlet.
This dream was now just a dream with no hopes of it becoming a reality. Her experience with the men had not been good. Her dad, Ahmad and well Behzad! But was she a man hater? No! Just because she wasn't lucky enough to be loved by the most prominent men in a women's life (husband and father) didn't mean that she was going to turn into those bitter women. She had known some awesome men and great husbands. She had witnessed her Mehreen Khala been adored by her husband and craved a future like that. Craved yes but hold on to that dream, no! Because there was no way she was getting a second shot at getting married. And no way in the hell that she was going to find love.
And if she was lucky enough to find love which she knew wasn't possible. But still if there was a 0.000001% possibility that she did, her favorite band had broken up on March 21! So, there was no way she was going to the concert with her bae! 2021 had to be the god damn worst year of her life. She kept losing people she held dear and dreams, like the shooting stars, lost! Gone forever.
The drive was supposed to clear her mind but instead she ended up being emo, crying her way through the motorway as she listened to sad songs like "Kaal ho na ho". Chahe jo tumhain poray dil say milta hai woh mushkil say, there were no truer lyrics than this. So far, she had difficulty finding people who loved her with all their heart. All of them were gone. Mama and now Mamo. There was her best friend, Irsa but Irsa was caught up in her own shit, handling her susral(in-laws) that she rarely had time for Mehr! Mehr felt lost.
Although she didn't like the stigma that came with being 'divorced', but she loved the liberty that came with it. She missed no trips, because 'Abba nai maan rahay' or avoided 'Saris' because t'shauhar ijazat nai day rahay...'. She had worn sari on her graduation, and it was fab. On the surface, everything was good. She was happy. But was she really happy? NO! There were days when she felt rather lonely! Days when she was surrounded by couples doing cute stuff!!!! Those were the days she wanted to shout out loud...."SANSOON KI Zaroorat hai jaisaaaayyyyy Zindagi k liyee.... BUS EK SANAM CHAHIYEE ASHQIUI k liyeeeee....." Itni bhi zaroorat nai the!!! Mamo didn't have to do what he did!
But Ahsan Mamo being himself had to do what he had to do. Why could he not make peace with the fact that she was never marrying like he had. Why did he not accept the reality, like she had. Mamo had been too smart. Uff, she was frustrated with how predictable she could sometimes be. He knew she'd play along with his terms of the will, and he knew it too well. Not for money. But for the freaking god damn house. She loved the house and cherished the ties, the memories she had there.
A large chunk of her life was spent in that house. She had always heard the term, "Ghar logon say hota hai" (Home is from people). After the death of her mother the house became a constant reminder of Amma. And one of the major reasons why she preferred to stay in that old haveli rather than a 5-star hotel. She couldn't lose that house. It was much more to her than a building of stone and cements.
Thanks to that sentimental value that it held; she was forced to leave Lahore. Truth be told, she had never liked Lahore and it was not because of Lahore. Lahore was great, full of colors , life but it made her miss what she didn't have ! Someone who loved her. Friends are good. Someone she could call for a chai but that was just it. The apartment she lived in was rented. She was going to miss the neighborhood, but it wasn't going to be heavy on heart.
She had been raised this way. Being an army brat(A term her friends called her), she was used to shifting every two years. They were like gypsies but with a greater cause and of course wealth and perks. She hated it, though. It took her some time to adjust and just when she was done making friends, and beginning to like the new city, the transfer letter used to arrive. And "Bamm! Pack your bags. LEAVE! Off to another city now". Her life until she was 18 was as if she was on the Pakistan tour with chef Sadat in his National ka Pakistan van. Exploring different cities, cultures. It was all fun and games until somebody at school asked, "Your hometown?" and she used to stand there like Anjali from 'Kuch kuch hota hai' with the 'maa' chit. Because she had no hometown.
With the gypsy thing going on, there was only one place that was constant. One place that always felt home and never changed. It was her Mamo ka ghar and her room there. The same white walls, one of which was covered in pictures of different cities that she had been too.
The band wagon of a childhood had made her meet different people- belonging to different ethnicity, explore different cultures that aided in her craft of jewelry making, gave her the exposure but it had also given her the unshakable desire of calling some place her home. Some place she could call hers. That was going to stay. The need to feel the sense of belonging that came with home.
Home? Where was her home? Nowhere! She was in college when her mother had died of cancer. Days, Mehr had spent days wondering if it was better that she knew that she was going to lose her mother to cancer, or it wasn't. Every day when she closed her eyes at night, she had this fear if her Amma was going to make it tomorrow? If she was going to hear her voice again. Every day spent with a constant fear of knowing it could be the last. The last hug, the last smile, the last touch. The pain of knowing that Amma was slipping away and there was nothing she could do about it. How she wanted to stop the time and make Amma stay. How she wanted the day to last forever. How she used to look at her mother for movement of lungs to make sure she was alive and breathing when her mother used to take a nap.
Now that she thought about it, she realized that at least she did get to wish Amma a goodbye. She had kissed Amma knowing it would have been the last kiss. She had held her hand tight in her grip. With mamo she had none of that. He was gone without a goodbye. Without her telling him how much he meant to her. She hoped that he knew how important and dear he was to her.
As girl who was losing her mother, she had no time to web the dreams of marriage or how it was going to be. She knew him from a far as "Baba k dost ka baita', and it was her mother's last wish to see her settled. The nikkah hadn't lasted more than 5 months. Ahmad was in love with some other girl, and he had married her under the pressure of his parents. Mehr was relieved when he had divorced her.
Mehr owed it to her mother and herself, after growing up in the toxic environment to not choose that future! If Ahmad couldn't respect her and control his anger, he was not suitable to be the father of her kids. Her kids weren't going to grow up to avoid the question with a laugh when someone asked "Tumharay parents ki chemistry kesi hai..." Her kids if she had any, were going to be bought up in the household where they'd know that their father loved their mother and would do anything for her in a heartbeat! Her children weren't going to wake up all scared in the middle of night by the loud shouts, like she had!
Truth was Ahmad had scarred her and she wasn't ready to accept that. That was the toughest phase of her life. Her mother's death, losing a friend and on the top of all that she was saddled with a toxic husband. Divorce was better than having to face the humiliation of people knowing that she was so unworthy that her husband was cheating on her. Her father blamed her for the failed marriage. And for not putting in the 'efforts' when it should be her blaming him for the asshole of a husband, he had chosen for her. Her marriage was the last straw in her strained relation with her father!
After her military personal father had remarried a young woman, the little forced 'chit chats' came to end too. Her baby brother, Abis was 7 now and she loved the little guy with all her heart but every time she watched her father play 'Baba' to him or treated Maria- the way he should have treated her mother, Mehr couldn't help but feel a pang of hurt. If only! If only, he was like this before !
Did Mehr object to his second marriage? NO! Mainly because her father wasn't taking any objections from her. Maria, was a good partner to her father and she was nice to Mehr as long as Mehr stayed away from her 'Family'. And Mehr did. 2 months after the birth of Abis, Maria had made it clear to Mehr that she was welcome in the house as a guest only!
Mehr avoided her 'family' and stayed out of their way by avoiding going to Karachi in vacations. She had no desire to be the unwanted, so after graduating she chose to settle in Punjab rather than going back to Karachi, where her father resided after retirement. In a way she had chosen her naniyaal and Ahsan Mamo who were a constant reminder of her late mother. The bond she shared with her Mamo had grown stronger after her mother's death.
And because Haveli had always felt like home to her since childhood and something more during her mother's illness. After Amma, it became central point for Mehr. The only constant building around which her life revolved. And so, she was agreeing to spend the next five months living with a man she could barely tolerate. She couldn't just stand there and watch as Ghazanfar Uncle with his construction company ran a roller over it. That also didn't mean that she was okay with living with Behzad. The idea scared the life out of her. Because all the time she was thinking about him, and she didn't want too.
Ahsan Mamo had always been this crooked. It was his last idea of joke. He very well knew how much Mehr disliked him or pretended to dislike him and so he kept sneakily video calling him when he knew she was around. The verbal spats were a source of entertainment for Ahsan Mamo. Could she blame him? No! If she was in his place; old and toothless, she too would take joy in the verbal combat with the snarky remarks flying.
"Itna bara ghar hai Mehr!(It's a huge house) You won't even see him." LIE! It was a lie, and she knew it.
Mental peace was lost to her! Her mind kept going back to the will! Why was Behzad doing it! Was he doing it for money? But why would he? His businesses were booming according to Khala. He was opening a Hotel in Skardu. The property he got from his mother's side of family was worth millions now that it was part of the Defense Housing Society. He was no beggar and not at all desperate. THEN WHY do this? Money is a seduction itself. Everybody keeps wanting more except well some people. A voice told her.
Uncle Ghazanfar and the rest of Uncles, who were rich themselves were salivating like dogs and ready to challenge the will in court if Behzad and Mehr refused to abide by the will. Which everyone assumed they'd never. Mehr knew Ahsan Mamo who despised his maternal relatives for what they had done to Nani, would have made sure that not a dime went to them. Nothing worried her. Except the Behzad Haider!
She had known him since childhood and since childhood she used to not like him because she liked him a lot. He had everything she hadn't! His family used to have the family thing that her's didn't! When her father was away on the military trainings, she used to watch Laiba Baji with Haider. Going to cinema on Sundays, family dinners on Saturdays! Mehr herself had witnessed his father play the 'ideal' husband to Sadaf Auntie. And in times like those, Mehr had wished to switch places with Behzad, who was ungrateful and wild! She had concluded it was the reason that he had been send away to the boarding school.
With Mamo always going "Behzad tu ..." "Behzad yeh...", singing his praise in ever family function, worshipping the floor he walked on as if she didn't know about his wild side, her disliked grew. She hated it! Hated it more when Mamo used to side with Behzad instead of her when she was complaining about Behzad.
Why was it so much of a big deal that Behzad knew Twinkle twinkle little star when he was 5 and she didn't? Mehr didn't know whether it was due to Mamo's constant flex or Baba's constant comparison that made her dislike Behzad so much since they were children. One thing she knew was Behzad wasn't a 'saint'.
For a period of time, she could say that he was her best friends! Because he understood her like no one did. Maybe it was all a mirage he created. Their friendship had lasted for 6 months! And she was glad it was only 6 months! How in those months he had gotten closed to heart was beyond her. Maybe it was because it was the time when her life was really f*u*ed up! She had just discovered her mother had cancer and he who was there was for summers break, offered the emotional support. She could even go far and say that during those months, she had begun falling for him. For his careless smiles, for him opening the doors for her, for the times he picked up the stuff her clumsy self-dropped, for the times he would nod and wait for her to finish her rant! For making her laugh when the clouds were grey! A decade had passed, and she was still not over him! He still affected her!
All good thing comes to an end and so had their friendship, but it felt like forever! He matched her vibe. She told herself! It was just the vibe! Behzad disappeared when she needed him the most. He did come back from London once a year for the mutual dislike to grow. Only the fact that he cared for Mamo had given her tolerance for his company. And even though she hated to admit, he had more sincerity and humanity in him than the rest of her cousins. Not for her though! He was a bitch to her! Or, so she liked to believe.
"Tum tu Mamo k lagtay bhi kuch nai ho , pata nai kyun tumhain har Eid pay bula letay hain..." She had told him and the look on his face had told her that she had went quite far. She had apologized unlike him, who was unapologetic and considered it cool!
"Bestie ka kuch nai lagta. Par humara tu bara gehra rishta hai na, DOST !" He had replied to it with a smile.
Everytime he said "dost" it felt like he was mocking her! Gehra Rishta tu tha ! Nafrat ka. Isn't there just something about friends becoming strangers?
Everything felt like a trap, and she was driving herself into the darkness. She had been thinking about him and his reasons since the day the lawyer had announced the will. Her and Behzad's equation was a lot complicated like those integration problems from 12th grade. Truth be told he was the only cousin(not her cousin but everybody considered him a cousin, even if distant) she was ready to share a roof with , without fearing about her 'izzat'.
Roof? Mehr ! Ab aisa bhi nai hai k 2 marlay k makaan main rehnay lagay hain. Haveli is so big , we'd rarely see each other. She told herself as she honked at the gate for the guard to open it. When she drove into the havelli, she was exhausted but not from the drive. Her equipment's and supplies were shipped a week before and according to Chachu Khaldi were already placed in the 'daftar' which used to be a baithak for Mamo. She still had two suitcases in the car that needed to be carried inside. Deciding to take one at a time, Mehr popped the trunk open.
Behzad watched her from his window. She wore a baggy kurta in hot pink. And yes, he knew his colors! She wasn't looking teary eyed. Instead, she looked rather grim and annoyed. It was better. Her gloomy lost face had made him want to comfort her. Act of care from his side would have been considered 'sympathy' and 'pity' by her.
He had known her since childhood. And since childhood she disapproved of him and his nature like his father. Truth be told there wasn't much to like about her either. LIE! He pretended that he was tolerating her for bestie, but truth was he enjoyed pissing her off. She was the strangest girl. A girl who watched basketball, a girl who bet him at Fifa. She was tom boyish without being well a tom boy. There was never a dull moment with her. Her honesty and compassion (for others) always used to get to his heart. Always!
During his adult hood he might have developed this crush on her. Her face was intriguing, still is and she was the sweetest, cheery girl he'd known! She had gotten herself married to the alpha jerk named Ahmad. But then could he blame her? Her mother was dying, and it was her last wish to see Mehr settled.
Behzad wondered why she was still single. Years had passed her since her divorce and Bestie tried his level best to get her a guy. Mehr with her no makeup grace, was just the woman for some MEN! But not for him despite what Bestie thought. Not for him!
As he had promised himself that as long as he survived, he'd stop wanting the impossible! He'd stop wanting what he couldn't have. Stop hoping for her to return the feelings. Stop hoping for her to miraculously fall in love with him. And that he would stay far away from her and the heart ache! His father, for once was right ! She was never the girl for him and never would be!
But of course, some promises that are made in the scalding heat of anger, aren't easy to be kept! He tried to stay away from her, went to London. No beauty he ever encountered was able to make him forget her! That and the fact that she kept funking things up for him, made it difficult to forget her. He smiled as he remembered how she had burned those letters of recommendations and gotten his scholarship cancelled! So like, Mehr! He hated her for that. But it was so like Mehr to go into rage mode and do stupid shit that later made her feel like the shittiest humane!
She had the intense brown eyes that reminded him of the ...... well her mother! Cliché! He smiled as he remembered that DDJL dialogue ..."Yeh jo Aapki ankhien hain na mujhe kisi ki yaad dilati hain ...meri dadi ki !" Or was it Nani? He couldn't tell!
A knot of tension formed in his stomach as he watched her struggle. A dangerous lethargy spread through his body! No woman has had this effect on him! Only her!
She disapproved of his indifference to authority! His did what made sense to him! Because he believed in it and not because it was laid out in a rule book! As someone who had grown -up with the rulebook stuck in his face, he now had a cool determination to live his life on his own terms! Gone were the days when everything was dictated to him by his father!
Although, he had sworn not to marry anyone. If he was going to look for a women, it wasn't going to be a lady who would put a leash on him! Who would cage him! Instead, he was looking for a partner who was just his level of weird. Who would say yes to the 2 AM drives? Who had a sense of humor! Who appreciated his casual attitude instead of forcing him to be more serious! Someone who would appreciate him like his mother did! And it was definitely not her!
Whatever he preferred, Behzad left his room to irritate her.
"Chachu Khaldi, chai lay ayen please. Sar phat raha hai mera", Mehr claimed as she sat on the sofa. Chachu's presence made everything feel normal like it used to be. Chachu had been with Mamo since she could remember.
"Arahi hai beta! Sath main pakoray bhi banain hain apke liye."
"Yaar chachu! App kamaaal hai !" She replied as her eyes sparkled expressing her delight.
"Kamaal tu app hain, yaaarrrrr..." Behzad said from the staircase turning her smile into a frown. He purposely said 'Yaar' to mock her ! Jerk !
"You are here.....itni besabri !" She commented as she looked at him.
"Bus app ko dekhnay k liye ankhain taras rahi then...."
"Agr apki tarsi hue ankhon ko rahat mil gae ho tu .... Get yourself here and help me with the bags. Please." She replied in a sweet voice with no sense of irritation that he could see on her face.
He didn't budge. "I thought we shared the same view on feminism."
"And I was told that you were ever so gentleman. Chivalrous.. 'Duniya main aye he bus kis liye hain?'...." She was repeating the lines, he had spoken when he had helped Khadija with her stuff last week they were here !
"Madad karnay k liye.... Par sirf khobsurat larkiyon ki" He filled in as he smiled.
"Whatever! I'll carry it myself." She said as she made a face and dragged her suitcase.
Behzad watched her struggle with it. Pulling his hand outs of his pockets he hauled the other suitcase with ease and followed her. Her room was on the ground floor. Why? Because it was nearer to kitchen and also because she wasn't quite a fan of stairs. The walls that she had decorated with the pictures of herself Mamo, Amma and some of her friends stared back at her. It all made her nostalgic. Setting the suitcases in the corner, fell on the bed with a thud while Behzad stood in the doorway.
"Ab yahan kya karhay hain app.... Jayen apna kaam karain?" She was using "Aap" intentionally to piss him off and the lines on his forehead were indication that it was working. Before she could rejoice, they disappeared.
He gave her a long, steady survey. Her cheeks red from the cold. Her hair easy the bun and resting on the sides of her face. It all reminded Behzad of the infatuation he had few years ago.
Zyda ho gaya Behzad! It wasn't even a crush. Just the fact that your father thought she was too good for you. She didn't glance in your direction while the rest of the world literally kissed the floor he walked on. Except Baba! So he had befriended her .
Remember when Akshay Kumar said , "Jo larki humain chahiye , usay hum nai chahiyen . Aur jisay hum chahiye woh kisko chahiye".It was the case with him. He lost interest in people and stuff very quickly. Except her! It was her intriguing eyes. And her face that went from being implacably plain to breath taking next moment. All that was in past. He now preferred woman who were HOT. Those elegant lean creatures who didn't blush at being called pretty. WHO knew they were hot and accepted it with grace. Who had no time to act all innocent! His flattery had never worked with her. Even though half of the time he was being honest.
He opened his mouth to reply and then closed it. Turning back he walked away only to call out loud... "Chachu Mehr-un-Nisa chai nai pee rahi . Chai aur pakoray mere kamray main bhej dejay ga..."
Mehr dashed through her room to the hall, refusing to speak to him. "Bara aya mere pakooray khanay wala"
"Ahhh! Angethi bhi jaal rahi hai...Yaad hai chachu , Mamo apni wheelchair iskay samnay say hathay he nai thay. Sari jagah kabza k baith jaatay thay..." Her eyes sparkled as she shook her head and took the tray from Chahcu khalid setting it on the coffee table.
"Chachu baki kamray bhi saaf karwa dein, Khala Jaan aur Uncle anay wale hain." Mehr told Chachu Khaldi who nodded and left to do the bidding.
"You know, this has always been one of my favorite rooms. Zindagi say bhara! When I was a child, I always used to think to myself k jab bara hoon ga tu ghar ka tv longue asea banaon ga! It's just so comfortable and homey! The fireplace, the sitting arrangement!" He told her as he took a seat beside the fireplace. Mehr looked at him strangely! He sounded so...... So like her! She was the one who had grown up with a toxic father and a broken family! Not him.
"Umm hmm! Can we set the ground rules?" Mehr asked. She wasn't ready for the games Behzad was up to this time!
"Rule number one: YOU are not allowed to wander in my space!" Mehr announced.
"Par app meri space aur dil main jab chahye aa saktin hain." He responded and Mehr wanted to facepalm herself. JERK!
"Saturday ko it's going to be the gaming night like it used to be when Bestie was alive."
Could a gaming night kill her? Yes!
But maybe it was his way of remembering Mamo?
So?
Mehr began to object but the look on his face told her that it was non-negotiable.
"Don't complain when you lose..." She declared.
"I won't as long as you don't cheat."
"Cheat main? I don't cheat." She said as she rose to grab another pakora.
"And pigs fly..." He claimed dryly.
"You have no proof." She said as she smiled at him. He hated losing. And one defiantly does when they lose due to the opponent's cheating. Behzad gave her a 'not funny' smile as he took a sip from the cup.
"Still holding that game of ludo close to your heart..."
"Ludo? I was talking about Monopoly. Apko tu pata hai main App ki sari bataon ko dil say laga k rakhta hoon..." He countered.
"If you are going to be a cry baby, then we better cancel the gaming night."
"Not cry baby, sirf apka Baby..." He corrected.
"Cancel it is..." Mehr responded.
"You won't stop cheating?" He asked.
"It's not cheating."
"Yes, it's not cheating! Yeh tu chori hoti hai! Nawaz Sharif, tu khali paisay chorata hai ..... Par app pasioon k sath sath mera dill bhi.... "
"Have you caught me sneaking the money away from bank? NO ! So, koi chori nai hai. And it's not my fault if the dollar bills find their way to me because of your negligence as a banker."
"Whatever my rule stands. If you aren't up for it ,I'll have to invite the friends over. But if we play, you won't cheat me." He was very close. Nearly intimidating her with his nearness. How he managed to intimidate her despite being short was blowing her mind.
"My turn 2 Rule number 2: YOU CAN'T INVITE PEOPLE WITHOUT MY CONSENT! So, if you were planning to plan a party or your stupid society stuff, inform me. And I'd do the same. I'd hate to bump into your wanna be social butterflies!" She told him as she blinked and got away from him!
"It better be the last rule from your side. My turn: No lambasting on the dinner table. And no, I won't eat alone in my room! If you want to avoid me you can take your dinner to your room. But I dine with Mehreen Aunty!"
"Thek hai." She responded.
That night, the first dinner without Mehreen Ala was awkward. The dining table was awfully quiet, so quite that it made her uneasy. And every time she'd look up, she would find his eyes watching her. Chachu also retired to his quarters after Mehr's plea so there was no one to act as the buffer as he stared straight into her eyes. She shouldn't be blushing, and she hoped she didn't every time she looked up and meet his eyes. The whole chandelier thing, and the huge table, the fire from the fireplace was making it all seem like a date. It wasn't a date. But it felt like it was.
"Kya masla hai apko?" Mehr asked as she placed her spoon down. She couldn't ignore it. She could feel his eyes all over her person. It wasn't that his stare was unsettling her or creeping her out. She just didn't like how he'd pretend that he wasn't interested in her.
"Sirf ek batana?" He asked giving her a cheeky smile.
"If this is how the dinners is going to be I'd rather eat it in my room." She declared.
"Jesi apki marzi Mehr-un-Nisa." He replied smoothy, enjoying his biryani.
"I really hate you." She said as she got up from her chair.
"Jhoot bolna hai? I love you too...", He called after her.
"Whatever, clean the table after you get done."
"This wasn't in the rules..."
"New rules!" She shouted as she disappeared into the kitchen.
"Haal yeh hai key , apnay haal par guar karnay say bach raha hoon"
Tadaaaaa !!!! So they are here!!! The song I couldn't decide ! So I'll be using "Bikhra" ! Because "Naa janay kyun tu he tuuu dill main bhasaaa hai!!!"
Life Update: I don't like it that my friends are friends with the bitches who don't like me.... I hate it and then I get angry and them on petty shit....and then make a fool out of myself.....
I hope I have made their equation clear. They were friends. Sort of. Mehr liked him as a friend only. Maybe more if he had stayed. Agr koi apka khayal rakhay tu usay say mohabbat tu ho he jati hai...Nai? !!!So she hates him because he left and then ignored her existence !!!!
Lots of love, ÙÛ Ø§Ù Ø§Ù Ø§ÙÙÛ
Alyna â¥â¥â¥