...Experimenting...
On the day of Hange's first experiment, you came along as Eren's official "Moral Support."
"Just go down there and transform. It's not that complicated," said Levi as you all neared the well.
"Understood, sir."
"Moral Support, drop the ladder." You sent Levi an offended look. He only raised an eyebrow and nodded his head to the well. You shuffled over, tied the rope ladder to the ground, and threw it down.
"Levi, being the Moral Support is more of an emotional job than an assistant," Hange pointed out.
"Yeah, Levi," you said, mocking his name. "I didn't sign up for this."
"Tch. You think you're staying here for free? Make yourself useful, at least. Eren, get in there."
Eren stepped over the edge of the well. Before he started climbing down, he turned to face you. "Shit. I'm nervous," he whispered, evident nerves written across his face.
"Why? Come on, you're going to be fine. Just don't think that much about it. Let it happen." You patted his cheek and nodded for him to go down, so he did. Then you noticed Levi and Hange's eyes on you, one who looked slightly disturbed and the other curious. "What?"
Hange smiled. "Nothing, darling. You ready down there, dear?" She called down into the well.
"Ready, Commander!"
Once you guys got on your horses, she fired the green smoke signal and you waited. And waited.
"Isn't the lightning supposed to come by now?" you asked.
"Uh, did he miss the signal?" suggested Hange.
"Or perhaps we were naive enough to expect that he can just turn the ability on and off," said Levi, getting off his horse. "Eren, enough! We're done for the day."
"Did something go wrong down there?" asked Hange. She gasped once the three of you peered down the well.
"I'm sorry," he choked out. "I don't think I can do it now." Blood dripped down his lips and his palms were full of deep bite marks.
You squinted your eyes, calling out, "What the hell did you do to yourself down there?"
"Moral Support, help him back up."
You clicked your tongue and released the rope ladder down. Eren climbed up, slower than usual because of his wounds, and once you could reach him, you helped him out. "Oh, damn..." You held his hands in yours, hissing as if the pain were yours to feel. "This looks like it hurts a lot."
"Not as much as the fact that I failed," he muttered, looking deeply discouraged.
"Moral Support, patch him up."
"I have a name, Levi!"
"No, you don't. Not until you address me as Captain. Like the others."
"Then you know what? Keep calling me Moral Support."
Eren sat down right next to you on the bench. You wiped off the blood from his lips to his chin and cleaned the wounds on his hand. Then you carefully bandaged up his hand.
"Do I have something on my face?" you asked after noticing that this whole time, his eyes never left you. And for the first time, weirdly, you felt a little bit self-conscious.
"Huh? No, you don't." But he still didn't look away.
So you "accidentally" wrapped his hand too tight, making him squeeze his eyes shut and wince. That brought a small smile to your face. Then you moved on to his other one. "Some things never change. Five years later and I'm still the one patching you up." From Shiganshina, to the Training Corps, to the Scouts.
"Don't remind me," he muttered, annoyed. Then he retracted his hand a bit. "Here, I'll do it myself. I don't want to trouble you-"
"Who said you were troubling me?" you pulled his hand right back. "Stop moving. Or I'll pull Mikasa's move and 'accidentally' break your finger. I still have no idea how she managed to do that by bandaging you up."
And still, even after your bluffs and threats, his eyes were still locked on you. "Why're you always so patient with me?"
You made a weirded-out face. "What kind of question is that?" But he looked like he genuinely wanted to know, so you told him, "Because you're Eren. Duh."
He blinked. "That's it?"
"What else is there? If I were the one hurt, then you'd take care of me no question, right?" He nodded without hesitation. "See? We don't need special reasons to do what we do. And plus, what kind of person would I be if I leave the youngsters hanging?" You tied off the bandages, finishing your work.
"Oh, fuck off. You're older by only a few months tops!"
"Still older. And that's never going to change," you said, pinching his cheek and getting up before he could pinch yours. "Come on, it's tea time. That's about the only lunch we'll get from Levi."
About an hour later, Levi came around. "Still no signs of healing?"
Eren fidgeted with his bandaged hands. "None, sir." Somehow, his titan powers randomly stopped working. It seemed as if his body was human again.
"Pull yourself together. That's an order. If you can't change, the plans for Wall Maria will be abandoned," said Levi, going back to his own table.
"Yes, sir."
"Don't lose heart, kid. You'll get it," says Eld. Some of the squad members had joined you and Eren's table.
"Yeah, don't be sorry for being too careful. It's more safe that way," says Gunther.
"Oh, my tea's empty," you mumbled and got up, bringing your cup over to Levi's table. "Can Moral Support pour herself a cup of tea or should she go back to tend to Eren?"
He threw a brief glance at you. "Tch. Your choice."
You poured yourself a cup. Then you noticed his was empty. "Can Moral Support pour you a cup or should she only pour for Eren?"
Levi pushed his cup forward. You filled it near to the brim. He lifted it up to his lips. "Thanks. Y/n."
"Finally." The moment you brought yours up to your lips, a huge gust of wind knocked it out of your hand. You were left standing there, hand raised, frozen. "Who the fu-"
"Damn it, why now?!" You turned around to see Eren on the nape of a barely even half-formed titan, his hand stuck in its flesh.
The moment the other members of the squad pulled out their blades, you pulled out yours without a second thought and rushed to block them from Eren. Then Levi held an arm up out front of you, standing right beside you. "Calm down," he told them. "The situation is complicated."
"Eren, what the hell were you doing?! No one gave you permission to transform!"
"Answer the question! What got into you?!"
"Leave it! Explanations can come later! First, prove you're not hostile or we'll kill you!"
"You twitch an arm and I'll slice your head off!"
You held your blades out in both directions, your hands itching to swing already. "You so much as step near him and I'll slice your heads off!"
"I said for you all to calm down-"
"Captain! Y/n! Step away, both of you!" yelled Petra. "You're too close!"
"No, right now you're the ones who have to step away. Not me, not Y/n," he said. "Do as I say."
"Y/n, why the hell are you still standing up for that monster?! Step away!"
"Who're you calling monster?! You fucking step away!"
But no, the rest of them were just too scared, too ignorant to hear anything even their own darling Captain was ordering. Bit by bit, your arguments piled on top of theirs until everything was a loud, grating mess.
"Be quiet!! All of you!!" Eren suddenly yelled. Which did shut everyone up.
"Eren!!!" Hange suddenly appeared out of nowhere and put her hands on the titan. "Ow! Son of a bitch!" She collapsed to her knees. "That motherfucker is hot when there's no skin!" Then she proceeded to cackle as Moblit called her a maniac.
Eren pulled his hand out of the titan and fell to the ground right by your feet. You put back your blades and tried helping him up, but he seemed too weak to even stand. So you crouched down next to him, rubbing his back. Hopefully this works, you hoped. You saw a woman doing this to her dog once.
"So you feeling okay, or what?" asked Levi.
Eren shook his head. "Not really...no..."
At night, back in the castle, Hange explained her theories that in order for Eren to transform, he most likely had to have a clear goal in mind other than simply self-harming. And then the rest of the squad bit their hands as a show of apology.
"And sorry to you too, Y/n," said Petra. "You were just trying to protect your friend."
"It's alright," you said. "And yes, I was."
Oluo snorted. "'friend.' Like that's all they are."
"Why does everyone always have something to assume when it comes to me and him?" you asked, genuinely baffled. "Nothing's going on between us!"
Eld chuckled. "I bet Eren wishes otherwise."
Eren turned to him, looking beyond lost. "Huh?"
"Look at him. Kid's cheeks are already heating up," said Gunther, making them all laugh.
And for the rest of the night, just like that dinner back in your Cadet years, no one gave you peace. Not even Levi because he went back to calling you Eren's Moral Support.
* . * .
During one of the other experiments, Levi revoked your privileges as the Moral Support for that day.
That was because the previous night, you had tiptoed through the halls to get a midnight snack from the kitchen. But because it was so dark, your elbow accidently knocked a kettle full of tea onto the ground, the pot shattering and echoing across the castle. Levi showed up within a minute, standing in the doorway with the light illuminating his silhouette from behind like a gremlin.
You clutched the apple to your chest, sliding on a sheepish smile. "Hi...Captain..."
He marched into the kitchen, eyes bloodshot. "You. Get back to bed."
You didn't need to be told twice to run back and lock your door, as if he were a ghost that would've come back and haunted you in your sleep.
So as Eren, Hange, and Levi headed to the field, you stayed behind in the stables, brushing the mane of the horses. Lightning struck at one point, so you knew that he finally succeeded in transforming. Hange was having him do things such as lifting planks of wood, pulling out trees, doing handstands, or whatever.
When you were finished with the horses, you decided to go sneak onto the field to watch. The rest of Squad Levi were nice, especially Petra, but the majority of the time they treated you like a child to be taken care of. You knew you weren't supposed to mind it, but you've practically raised yourself during your entire childhood. Taking care of others felt natural, but being taken care of felt a little bit odd.
You found a deserted block of hay close enough to Eren, coincidentally blocking you from Levi's view, and sat down. As Eren's titan was trying to split a tree trunk into half, you found yourself wondering: Does those abs come with the titan or does Eren have them himself?
"Y/n, watch out!" You zoned back in hearing Hange's voice, realizing that the exploded barks of the tree were going your way.
"Shit!" You flipped over the block of hay but just as a huge shard of bark dove your way, you shifted your shoulder back and caught it with your opposing hand. It stinged your palm, for sure going to leave splinters. You hid behind the hay as the rest of the shards stabbed into it and the grass like a swarm of arrows.
You peeked over the hay when the coast was clear. Eren had popped out of the nape of his titan, turned towards your direction worriedly. "Y/n, are you okay?!"
You made a smile and gave him a thumbs up. "Never better!"
Levi was marching over, looking furious. "What the hell did I tell you about staying in the castle?"
"Y/n, are you hurt anywhere?" asked Hange, rushing over as well. "That was such a quick reflex! Where'd you learn that move?"
"I didn't. It just felt natural in the moment." You bent down and picked up the shard that you caught and twirled it in your hands as if you would a knife. "Goddamn, this one's extra sharp. Could've stabbed into my heart if I acted a little late." You let out a small laugh. "Imagine that."
"You sick, suicidal brat." Levi snatched it out of your hand and threw it back on the ground. "I don't give a shit if you have quick reflexes or not. Don't you know you could've potentially gotten injured from that? Where'd the responsibility you have for others go when it comes to yourself?"
"But I'm fine! I'll just be a bit more careful next time. Not like it was a big deal," you muttered the last part as you picked out the few splinters from your palm.
"You might not give a shit about your life. But have you ever thought about him?" Levi pointed to Eren who was running over. "He's already got shitty self-esteem about his titan skills. Have you ever thought how he'd feel if he managed to hurt you? Or worse, kill you?"
You froze. For the first time, you were officially rendered speechless.
"Y/n!" Eren engulfed you in a hug, sending you a few steps back. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to do that!"
"Hey, hey, it's alright," you said, your voice much softer, patting him on his back. "I'm not hurt. Not at all."
As he clutched your shoulders and let out strings of apologies, you were half-listening, half-thinking about Levi's words. He and Hange were already on their way off the field by now, leaving the two of you. But he was right. If you had gotten hurt in any way, Eren would never let it go. He would probably never forgive himself even if you forgive him, and he would live with that guilt his entire life.
Just like you, he held grudges. But unlike you, he could hold grudges against himself longer than he could for anyone else.
You cut him off with a tight hug and he immediately returned it, just as tight. "It wasn't your fault. I'll be more careful next time," you told him. And even though he still voiced out his faults and blame for himself, at least you've already done your part. Agreeing to change, to care more for yourself, for his sake, and for everyone else's.
. * . *
A month later, Gunther explained the expedition to you and Eren. "It's a test run," he said. "To see if we've got a shot at getting Eren all the way to Shiganshina. But the real goal at the moment is to just simply leave and come back alive."
When he was done, the two of you were sent back to the stables to feed and clean up after the horses. As the youngest, the older ones pretty much just bossed you both around to do their chores whenever Levi wasn't around. Not like you had much of a choice. Superiors were superiors, no matter what names you called them behind their backs.
The sound of footsteps in the distance caught your attention and you dropped your bucket. "Eren, look!" You pointed over there. "Mikasa and Armin!"
"What?!" He tossed his bucket away too and the two of you ran off, calling their names.
The moment they turned around, your arms were already looped around them. Mikasa was the first to return the hug, then Armin. "You little bitch, you didn't even say goodbye before you left," she said by your ear.
"I didn't leave, I was basically poached," you defended.
"Kidding aside, we understood," said Armin, his sweet smile ever so present. "It's not every day that someone gets promoted all the way up to the Levi Squad after a day of becoming an official soldier."
Mikasa turned to Eren. "They didn't mistreat you in any way, did they? Did Y/n kick their asses if they did?"
He shook his head. "Not really, other than the fact that the two of us are forced to clean up horse shit everyday."
Someone tugged on your braid and you turned around. "Sasha! Connie!" You hugged the two of them. Along with them were Jean, Reiner, Bertholdt, Krista, and Ymir.
"Word got around that you landed yourself a position on Captain Levi's squad," said Jean, crossing his arms. He spared a glance at Eren. "Without being a titan."
"What can I say?" You pretended to check your nails smugly. "Awesome people get awesome treatment."
"So since you're all here, does that mean you're all a part of the Scouts now?" asked Eren. They all nodded. "So that means Annie and Marco joined the MPs?"
"Annie yes," said Jean. Then his gaze dropped to the ground. "But Marco's dead."
"Oh damn," you blurted, which didn't go unnoticed but no one said anything about it. You were glad that you didn't ever really knew him that well or else you'd probably be sad.
Then the realization hit that everyone standing beside you had probably lost someone in their life in a point of time. You never had. And you hoped you wouldn't ever. Because then you'd be one step closer to looking like those pathetic, depressed soldiers you loathed so much.
Next morning, all of the Scouts waited in front of the gates in the ordered formations.
You and Eren were positioned right behind Levi. In his words, Eren had to stay within ten feet of him at all times, and you were still underage so he still had some responsibility over you.
"Y/n, look." Eren pointed to the sides. Two children peeked out of the window of their house with mesmerized eyes.
You were hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia. "Shit, Eren. Shiganshina wasn't even that long ago, even though it felt like it. We used to be those little kids."
"Yeah." He nodded, flashing you his determined smile, the one that you were most used to seeing ever since the beginning. "And we'll make them proud, just like how the Scouts once made us."
The bell clanged and the gates rose up. Erwin yelled for all to proceed and onwards you charged. The 57th Recon Mission had officially begun.
*
yall got me to #1 in #Crackfic on 7/12 i love all of u silent as hell mfers