...Cowering...
Kenny Ackerman was a coward.
Nobody knew it, not even himself. Not until his dying breath.
For the longest time, he thought he was the strongest man in the world. He had built himself a reputation of barbarity, of brutality, of savagery. But when he ended up caught in the hands of the first titan he ever saw, he found himself begging for mercy.
He hurriedly aimed his gun at the man coming out of its nape. But the man kneeled before him, dagger still stuck in his wrist.
"Considering the persecution your family's been put through on my behalf, you have a right to hate me," he said, voice laced with sorrow. "That said, I must apologize because I cannot die just yet." He bent over, pressing his forehead to the ground. "Please. Forgive me. I'm a fool who couldn't build paradise within these walls."
Uri Reiss. True King of the Walls. He was an omnipotent King, and he bowed down to a piece of trash like me.
The next time the Council of the Walls met, Kenny lounged in the seat of the man who once tipped him off.
Joining the First Interior Squad officially brought an end to the persecution of the Ackerman Clan. Not that there were that many left, anyway. With fewer enemies, the surface land was much freer to roam, but he still lingered in the Underground.
"Kuchel, huh?" The man at the counter of the brothel uninterestedly scanned down the list. "Ah, you mean Olympia? That woman's been sick so long that even her old regulars quit usin' her."
Use. Kenny knew he had no right to feel even an ounce of displeasure for her. He never even tried stopping her from choosing this line of work.
The door creaked open to a small, dark room. Kenny took one look at his sister and whistled. "You look rough! Lost some weight? You're like a damn skeleton."
"She's dead."
A frail, bony boy sat curled up in the dark corner. That should be her kid, the one he told her to get rid of. "And you? Are you alive?" The boy glanced up, cheeks sunken, pale skin dirty. "Ah, give me a break. You ain't deaf, are you? Got a name?"
"Levi."
So this is all she's left me with. An unsociable brat on the brink of death. Kenny slid down the wall next to her bed. "Well, I'm Kenny. Just Kenny. Your mother and I knew each other. Nice to meet you."
Kenny took him in. Fed him until he got some meat on his bones. Trained him so he could fend for himself. Taught him everything he could teach, everything he owed his sister, all except for love. Because even Kenny himself never knew what it truly was. Whether it existed or was just a myth to fool the masses into joy.
One day, after watching Levi win a fight against a few older men, Kenny turned his back on him. And he walked away. He left.
He left because he had felt this sudden surge of emotion in his chest. Pride. And it made him feel weak. He hated it.
So he convinced himself that it was an act of responsibility for the boy to grow up uninfluenced by someone like him.
Truth be told, he was nothing but a coward.
He visited the Reiss Chapel frequently. Found company with an MP named Sannes who wholeheartedly believed in the King, Uri. That man was something, definitely. He was the strongest, and therefore to Kenny, he deserved some respect at least.
Then he spotted her. She was already looking at him.
Freya Reiss. The younger sister of Uri and Rod. The two brothers weren't much known for their appearances, but she was undoubtedly a looker. H/c hair, e/c eyes, s/c skin, a well-proportioned face, and an obviously well-proportioned body. He even suspected her as an illegitimate child. But a Reiss nonetheless.
She sent him a smile from down below. Not the saccharine, welcoming kind that he'd be met with countessly by the innocent women of the surface world. Her smile was sly, cunning, and asked for trouble, which happened to be the same language he spoke.
He rolled his eyes, looking away. Give me a break. I'm well past my prime now.
After the preachings, she left with her brothers in their carriage. She didn't speak to him once, but she left an enough impression that made Kenny ask around about her. Just out of curiosity, he told himself.
It turned out she had an infamous reputation, somewhat like his. Whereas her brothers were known for their generosity and kindness, she never indulged in anything like that. She was a patron of the arts, more specifically, the art of blade-performing on animals. There was a popular illegal organization ring that held shows such as that, and she was the biggest sponsor of them all.
Based on those facts alone, he concluded: That's no ordinary noblewoman.
He stumbled upon a show one night. Out of pure coincidence.
The audience was packed, and the stage was filled with theatrical sets. Performers were throwing various types of knives towards the animals, spinning around on wooden wheels, balancing on high platforms, and more. Everyone was going wild as if it were a circus.
Took him a bit to spot her. At first, he scanned for someone in a noble's attire. But upon seeing her, she looked almost every bit as the rest of the commoners. Hair down in a braid, hat lopsided, button down, and pants, cheering away with the rest of the audience. She wasn't even sitting in the sponsors section.
What a sick woman. But even so, he spared her a glance every few minutes. Though she was too focused on the show to catch his eyes.
After the show, it was she who found him first. With the number of people leaving the show tent, he didn't know where the exit was, so he just followed the crowd. She appeared right in front of him, stopping him in his tracks while everyone else moved along.
"You were looking at me, weren't you?" For a full-grown woman, she sure held a smile like a rebellious teenager.
He lifted his chin a little, trying to seem intimidating. "So what if I was?"
But she didn't look one bit fazed. "You're Kenny Ackerman. My brother's new dog."
He narrowed his eyes. "I ain't nobody's dog."
"I know one when I see one, no need to be ashamed. I got some of my own. Except they don't dirty their hands for me like they do for my brothers. I dirty mine myself. They just clean up after me." She walked past him, dragging a finger along his shoulder. "But I don't mind getting myself another one."
She left him standing in place for a good couple of seconds. Nobody was there anymore. They probably have long been gone. What a Goddamn annoying woman, he thought. This'll be the last time I'm ever curious about her.
The next time he went to the preachings, he found himself up on the balcony, scanning the faces the moment he stepped into the chapel. He should've known it sooner. The body never lies.
Unlike the rest of the Reisses, she wasn't ever onstage. She was always off to the corner, never seeming one bit intrigued in the preachings.
"She's trouble," said Sannes. He seemed to have noticed Kenny's gaze on her.
"She looks like it."
"The King and his brother pardon their men when they fail to complete their orders. But she had the ones that failed her killed."
Kenny raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?"
"Serving King Uri and Lord Rod is an honor. Serving Lady Freya would only bring you pain and trouble." Sannes nodded to another MP in the corner. One of his arms was gone. "This is what happens to the people who simply upset her. It isn't worth it."
"I see." Then why was he feeling a hint of excitement all of a sudden?
He didn't take Sannes' advice. By the following day, he was transferred to the squad in the First Interior under her. He still served Uri, but a new path was open for him.
The tasks she gave were petty, even childish: killing a noblewoman for insulting Freya's favorite maid, some merchants who won against her in a bet, and a bystander who threatened to tell on her to the MPs who actually served her.
By only doing the jobs and never once speaking to her, he was getting increasingly bored by the minute. He concluded that she wasn't so special after all. Just some emotional, spoiled rich girl who never grew up.
He wondered why he had even signed up to serve her in the first place. It wasn't fun, and it certainly wasn't exciting. It was simply a waste of time. So he decided he was going to transfer the next morning.
That night, bandits broke into her estate. He killed the first few ones with ease because they were complete amateurs. So he stood out on the balcony, hands in his pockets, bored out of his mind.
Most likely, they'd just take her jewels and her gold. It wasn't like they'd kill her. I don't care if she dies anyway.
Down below, an MP alone was fighting three bandits and clearly losing. Kenny didn't move from his spot. He didn't know him anyway.
Suddenly, one bandit was stabbed in the neck and kicked to the ground. Behind him, even in the dark, Kenny could tell it was Freya, looking like a ghost in her white nightgown.
The other one swung his knife at her, but she bit into his arm, making him cry out in pain. She swiped his knife out and slashed him across the neck. The last one, younger than the others, kneeled and clasped his hands.
"Please! Mercy, my Lady!"
She stabbed him in the chest and pulled him in by the collar. "Don't you ever try taking what's mine! Not my jewels, not my maid's innocence, and not the lives of my dogs!"
"I-I won't, my Lady-"
She twisted the knife, and he fell back, limp.
The beat-up MP got on his knees, bowing his head to the ground. "I owe my life to you, my Lady!"
"Rise," she said, and he did. Then she stabbed him in the neck. "I don't need weak dogs like you."
Kenny watched in pure confusion. What the fuck? She just saved him, then she killed him?
Then she noticed him. "What are you looking at?!" Those were the first words she'd said to him in months.
She threw the knife at him like an arrow. He caught it with ease, but she had good aim. Then she went back into the castle, leaving the corpses out.
He glanced down at the blood-stained kitchen knife. What the fuck is wrong with her?
Next morning, Uri and Rod arrived in their carriage. Uri nodded to Kenny in greeting. Then they questioned Freya.
"They tried taking what's mine. I did what I had to do," she told them. Without an ounce of remorse.
Maybe she isn't so dull after all. So he forgot he ever wanted to quit in the first place.
Back in the Chapel, he was on the balcony again. Sannes wasn't there, probably off to complete a job. Then, someone else joined him.
She didn't say anything, didn't acknowledge him. So he spoke first. "What was the reason for killing those bandits and saving that guy's life just to kill him right after?" He had been contemplating that question in his mind for a while. And he could not answer it.
"Because my dogs are mine to kill," she said. Then she turned to him. "And if you step out of line, then you are also mine to kill. You are mine, aren't you, Kenny?"
He leaned in and pointed a finger in her face. "I am nobody's dog."
She only smiled back, not offended one bit by the intrusion on her personal space. "You and I should talk more."
The next time they met, she didn't ignore him. It started off with small talk about their days, his jobs, and even the weather.
Then it turned into conversations. Chats after the preachings, before his jobs, and even at the shows occasionally.
They weren't friends by any means. Kenny had none, and Freya had her maids.
But as time passed, he learned to confide in her. She had some wisdom in her, which honestly quite surprised him.
It didn't take too long for things to become intimate.
It started off as fun, simple messing around, but it soon became something habitual. She was skilled, definitely having experience. She had a way of causing pleasure, making him come back time and time again for more, even if he didn't exactly know why.
It wasn't exclusive by any means. Neither of them ever communicated what they wanted from each other beyond the bedroom. Or sometimes the bathroom. Or the dining room. Or the carriage. He just assumed she had other men, so sometimes he had other women.
He never visited any of them twice.
One sudden day, he was told that Lady Freya had removed him from her personal squad. She didn't give an explanation.
Maybe she got tired of him. Which was fine, it wasn't like she was any important to him. At least, that was what he told himself in order to shrink away the tiny ache in him.
It would take him decades later to regret never demanding answers from her.
He continued his missions strictly under Uri. He never brought her up. So Kenny never asked.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. She stopped showing up to the Chapel. Stopped leaving her estate. Slowly, he thought about her less and less.
Nearly a year later, the First Interior Squad was told that Lady Freya Reiss had taken her own life.
Kenny didn't really react. Didn't cry, didn't fall sad, didn't have anything much to say. He did attend her funeral, though. Out of respect, if he actually knew what it meant.
Perhaps he was fooling himself into thinking he actually knew her, that their relationship was anything more than physical, but he didn't believe it once that it was a suicide.
She was probably just finally paying for the consequences of her actions.
Years later, Kenny and Uri met at the place where they first met.
Both of them had aged a lot. Uri more than Kenny, because in his words, his time was almost up. Uri spoke of the world, how it was going to go up in flames in the future. And neither of them would be there to see it. That didn't faze Kenny.
Not until Uri brought her up for the first time in years. "Freya did not die by suicide."
"I guessed that already."
"She died on my orders."
Kenny glanced at him. Uri's face was twisted in remorse. "What, she pissed off her big brother or something?"
He shook his head. "More than that. She had upset the balance of the world."
"No offense, Uri, but she never seemed the type to be interested in anything other than herself."
"Not until she had a child. A daughter."
Kenny took a moment. "Now, who's this unlucky bastard that got caught up in her mess?"
Uri bitterly chuckled. "This 'unlucky bastard,' I'm afraid, is you."
Kenny whipped his head to him, dread sinking into him. "Impossible. Fucking impossible."
"It is true. The daughter is yours."
"Bullshit. She had loads of other men. One of those bastards probably knocked her up. Couldn't have been me."
"She never had any other man. Not after starting her affair with you."
Kenny wanted to unhear that.
"I do not know if you have loved her or not but-"
"I didn't." That was true. So he thought.
"You may not have loved her, but I suspected she may have loved you. Or, at the least, cared for you. She hid herself in her estate, faked an illness, and had the pregnancy secretly. After she had the child, yours, she confided in me. She said she had made a mistake but not to have you punished. She had already removed you from under her so that you would never find out. She feared that I would be unhappy that her child was born out of wedlock. That was never the problem."
"Then what was?"
"Nobody knew, not her, not my brother, not anyone. But her child has mixed-blood. Part Fritz and part Ackerman. In our history, we had a Prince a hundred years ago just like her. We called him the Fritz-Ackerman. The man who almost destroyed our entire empire."
Kenny nodded. Still emotionless. "So you had her and her child killed? Just because you didn't want to repeat history?"
Uri shook his head. "History is bound to repeat itself. I see it in the future. No, I did not kill the child, but she couldn't stay with the mother who wanted to keep her. Her future lies somewhere else, and I'm afraid I'm not able to interfere with it. So I ordered my brother to take her to an orphanage in Shiganshina."
"Wall Maria out of all places?"
"My...my memories of the future tell me she has someone to meet there. She becomes very important to that someone. And that someone becomes very important to her. I'm not entirely sure who it is. All I know is I must not interfere."
"What's the point of telling me all these years later? For closure? 'Cause I don't need that."
"Because I don't know if I made the right choice, " Uri said, getting up to his feet. "Kenny, you have been my most trusted soldier throughout these years. Before I give up my power to my niece, Frieda, are you willing to do one last mission for me?"
"Speak, old man."
"If I ask you to murder your own daughter, would you do it?"
Kenny contemplated it. "She ain't mine. I didn't raise her. I'd do it."
Uri sat back down. "That was only a question out of curiosity. I cannot decide whether I want to order you to do it. So, I will leave the option to you: whether your child lives or dies, whether you want her to live a life she deserves or die young for the better of the world."
"Cut the sympathy. I'll do it."
I didn't know she existed until right now. How hard can it be?
He strolled through the streets of Shiganshina at night. Rod gave him the address of the L/n Orphanage. Her name was Y/n, given to her by Freya.
At least the name's decent.
He heard screaming in the distance. Not the shrill ones of someone being murdered, not like his victims. But children.
Out of pure curiosity, he headed to it. Hidden in the dark alley, he peered around the corner. These boys were crowding around something. Behind them, a girl, who couldn't be older than eight, walked out of the bushes.
"This is just the beginning," she said.
The boys' lantern glowed on her face. One look and Kenny knew exactly who she was. Same h/c hair, same s/c skin, same fire look in her little e/c eyes. The spitting image of Freya. It was you, Y/n.
"You hurt them again, and I'll dig it up from its grave and feed its flesh to each of you."
The boys rushed back into their homes, crying, slamming the door in your face. You headed down the street, humming a little song.
Once the street was clear, Kenny walked over to see for himself what they were all terrified of. He crouched down, holding a lit match to see better.
It was a cat. Its body parts reassembled into different parts. Blue thread tied it all together. A little bluebell was attached to its ear at the tailbone. Dried blood stained the concrete ground.
He couldn't help but break out a smirk. That's my little brat, alright. There was no doubt about it. You were his child, through and through. A little fighter in the making. Maybe with more potential than Kuchel's brat.
Sounded to him that this was your little payback for those boys crossing you. Barely lived a few years, and you already knew how revenge worked.
Your mommy would've loved you.
Two choices.
He could follow you down the street before you made it back to the orphanage. And kill you where you stood. It would be the easiest job he'd ever had.
Or he could walk away and forget you ever existed. Forget Uri ever existed, as his niece was now Queen. Forget Freya ever existed, for good.
Kenny headed back down the dark alley. He never looked back again.
Because he was a coward who couldn't kill his own flesh and blood. Because he was a coward who didn't take you with him and raise you as his own when he had the chance.
But no matter. He wouldn't realize it anyway, not until decades later when he was slumped against a tree, with you right in front of him, all grown up. The last face he would ever see.
That he had been cowering away from the life he could've had all along.
*
so far this is probs the fav chapter ive ever written
erm i just wanna make it clear that i do not support animal cruelty or violence of any kind (i shudda said this since day 1)
this is purely just for this y/n's lore, i promise i dont hav thoughts ab killing animals irl trust me don't cancel me