...Reclaiming...
You held on to the reins of your horse, treading through the forest at night.
"Psst."
The lower half of Eren's face was lit by his flashlight. He stuck his tongue out, rolled his eyes back, and wiggled his fingers like a ghost. His expression fell flat when he got no reaction out of you. "Why are you not scared."
"Because you're not scary."
"But you used to do the exact thing all the time. I was terrified. And then when I tried to do it back, you never got scared either."
"You were seven. I'm now sixteen. And I'm still a year older, no matter what."
"Not this again," he mumbled, rolling his head back. "You don't even know what month you were born inâonly that you started in the orphanage a year before I was born. So stop stretching it out. And plus, all of that doesn't really matter anyway."
"Doesn't it?" You abruptly lurched at him with your eyes bulged and fingers clawed up. He yelped, stumbling over a rock. "Anyway. Mikasa, my turn." She handed the reins of Eren's horse to you.
"Sorry you two got stuck with my horse," he said after getting over his initial embarrassment.
"Don't worry about it," said Mikasa. "You should be saving up your energy."
"I know, but what kind of boyfriend am I if I let my girl hold my stuff? It's supposed to be the other way around."
"She's been holding your stuff since forever. This should be the least of your concerns."
"Make it up to her when we get back, Eren," commented Connie from behind. "We need you at your best in this battle. And even I'm being serious about it."
"Don't say his name," dumbass," reminded Jean. Every one of you had your hoods up, intending to confuse any enemies on which one was Eren.
After everyone would make it out of the massive forest, the gates of Shiganshina would be waiting for you all. Home was becoming nearer and nearer.
Somewhere along the line, you noticed one of the light sources was shaking. It was from Eren's hand. "Psst." He didn't hear you. You wrapped your hand around his wrist. The heat of your hand immediately took effect on his icy skin, pausing the unsteadiness. "You're scared."
"I'm not," he hissed. "It's just cold. I feel like my hand's going to freeze off."
"Are you ever going to realize you can't fool me?"
He let out an anxious sigh. "How...how do you do it all the time? Not act scared? Maybe you feel it inside, but how do you never let it show?"
"Genetics."
He glanced at you, unhopeful. "Really?"
"No," you said, breaking out a small smile. "I wouldn't be surprised if it did have an effect, though. You heard Hange; my dad was a serial killer, and my mom was apparently a huge patron for an animal-killing show."
"Yeah, that answered a lot of my questions when we were young."
"But either way, I always keep what I'm doing in mind. What my job is. That somehow blocks out the fear that I know I probably should be feeling. You should do the same. Just focus on plugging up the wall, ignore everyone else's jobs because that's their business, and I think you'll be fine."
Oddly enough, his hand wasn't shaking as much anymore. "No one ever gives you enough credit for your advice."
"No shit, because I don't waste my advice on other people. Only for you and our friends."
"But where'd you learn all that? Seems like you always know the right things to say in the right moments."
You shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'm just that awesome."
He scoffed and shook his head, but he for sure looked twenty times less nervous than he initially did.
By morning, the Scouts had all made it out of the forest. And sure enough, the gates of Shiganshina were right in sight.
"This operation has officially begun! All troops, switch to ODM Gear!"
Levi unsheathed his blades, springing off his horse. You followed close, twirling your blades with your wrists, swinging up to the walls.
Then, for the first time in five years, you saw it again. Home, right before your eyes. You landed on the wall, digesting the view of it all. The ruins. The intruding nature. Everything.
"Don't stop!" called out Levi. "Eren, you get to that outer gate!" You headed after him and your friends. "No, Y/n! You're with me!"
You whipped your head around so fast that your braid slapped against your face. "What?! But I'm Moral Support!"
"Not on this operation, you're not! Remember the conditions! Come on!"
You groaned and hurried after him. "Mikasa!"
"Already on it!" She passed by you, following Eren.
As the rest of them entered the grounds of Shiganshina, you waited with Levi on the edge. Blades out, ready to go.
"You like revenge, don't you?" he asked.
"Tastiest thing on the planet."
"Thought that was Eren." When you looked extremely disturbed, he continued, "Not my words. Yours."
"When the hell did I ever say that?"
"You..." he trailed off and shook his head. "Nevermind. Why am I even bothering."
You squinted your eyes up at the sky, retracing your memories. Then you let out a wide gasp. "I hit my head that day! My brain was fried! I had no idea what I was even saying!"
"Once we catch sight of the two of them, I'll go for Reiner," he said, moving on. "And you go for Bertholdt. 'Bout time you returned the favor." He briefly eyed your abdomen, the part where you had gotten stabbed.
Lightning struck, and Eren transformed. Within no time, the hole of Wall Maria was sealed. All that was left was to seal the gates of Shiganshina and kill those two traitors. And then everyone could call it a day.
Amin, little genius that he was, got Erwin's approval to order the Scouts to scale the walls. A Scout got stabbed, then the moment Reiner reached a foot out the hole of the wallâLevi dove down and thrusted his blade into his neck. Another into his chest. But once he dropped Riner to the ground, lightning struck again. Bastard was still alive.
A dozen flashes of lightning struck outside Shiganshina, in Wall Maria. There it was, the rumored, infamous Beast Titan. Surrounding you all was what looked to be an army of pure titans, each with blazing, scarlet eyes. Like devils. The Beast Titan shot a massive boulder and blocked off the entrance, trapping you all.
"What kind of an abnormal agrees to have cargo on its back?" you asked, pointing to a titan on all fours with an uncanny, flat face.
"That quadruped type must be another intelligent titan," said Erwin. "Likely the enemy's scout. There may well be others."
The Beast Titan pounded its fist into the ground, commanding a bunch of little abnormals to charge for the entrance.
"It just did what Eren did!" you exclaimed. "The titans followed the hairy titan's orders! How'd it do that?!"
Levi turned to Erwin. "You going to say something or you're just going to let Y/n keep screaming into our ears?"
"Dirk Squad, Marlene Squad, and Mark Squad, protect the horses at the gate!" Erwin pointed his blade back to you all. "Levi Squad and Hange Squad! I need you all to take down the Armored Titan! Employ the Thunder Spears at your own discretion! This is our moment, our chance to strike! The fate of humankind depends on this battle! Devote your hearts and lives one final time, for humanity!"
"Yes, sir!" Each squad scattered in all sorts of directions.
"Hold on, you three." You, Levi, and Armin stopped in your tracks. "Hange can lead both squads. I'll need you two, Levi and Y/n, right here."
Levi looked just as clueless as you. "You want us to protect the horses instead of Eren?"
"That's right."
"But Reiner wouldn't stand a chance if three Ackermans were up against him," you said. "So why aren't we utilizing our strengths now more than ever?"
Erwin pointed his blade to the Beast Titan. "Because when the chance arrives, I will need Levi to strike him down. He is the only soldier I can trust to dispatch the Beast Titan."
"Understood," said Levi. He swung down to the gates.
Then Erwin turned to you. "Y/n, you will join Levi. But you will not engage in the battle."
You blinked. "What?"
"I trust your skills and strengths as a soldier, but I'm afraid I cannot for you as you. Your recklessness would not be the death of anyone except for yourself. I need you to stay put. Not engage in battle."
"Erwin, are you fucking kidding?" you asked, the volume of your voice gradually rising. "You're going to follow those stupid rules right now? In this moment? What did we all come here forâto fight! That's what I'm here for! You can't remove me! You made me Vice Captain of Levi's Squadâand you approved of my coming here! What are you even doing?!"
"The situation has changed," he said. "We may find ourselves in a life-threatening circumstance that I cannot guarantee the survival of anybody. But I have Zachary's word, and I must guarantee your return to the wallsâ"
"I don't care about the fucking walls! They have Historia! And I never agreed to any of this anyway! I'm the best soldier right after Levi, so you have to put me in battle-"
"I don't have to put you in anything," he said, and the impatience in his tone entirely took you aback. "I am the Commander, and you are the soldier. You follow my orders. And I order you, Y/n Fritz-Ackerman, not to engage in battle but to prioritize your life. I am not Levi, not family, therefore I am not directly responsible for you. But I am responsible for the royal figurehead under the orders of the Premier and the Council, and as of right now, my job along with this operation is to get you back in the Walls, safe and alive! Do I make myself clear?"
His gaze was stern as if daring you to speak back. You found yourself thinking that maybe in another life, if Kenny had kept and raised you, he'd be staring at you just like this when you would get into trouble.
You swallowed down every single insult that threatened to vomit out. You swung down to the gates without another word.
Levi was right down there to meet you. "You're coming with me, I assume?"
You kicked a rock into a brick wall, creating a dent. "No!" you screeched. "I guess I am not!"
"What do you mean you're not?"
"I don't know?! Go fucking ask Erwin! Maybe if it came from you, he'd actually reconsider this horrible mistake he's makingâputting me on the fucking sidelines!"
"He ordered you to what?" asked Levi, frowning. "Why would he waste you?"
"Because he doesn't trust me as 'me'!" Deciding that the rocks were not satisfying enough, you stomped and cracked open a wooden door. "He says I'm too reckless! I am not reckless! Levi, am I reckless?!"
He just sighed. "He's just trying to keep you alive. No reason to get upset over it. Just follow the Commander's orders."
"I will if the orders actually make sense! Sure, I've gotten hurt before, but I've cheated death again and again, and I'll keep cheating it! But no, I'm 'not to be trusted,' so I'm cast away on the sidelines while everyone else is devoting their hearts, fighting for the cause! I never really cared about that honorable stuff, but I feel like I do now!"
Levi silently watched you stomp around, throwing a tantrum like a little kid. To be fair, you technically were. All of the soldiers in his squad were. Yet none of them were given a chance at being one.
Having watched enough, he set a hand on your shoulder just before you threw another rock at the already shattered glass window. "Y/n. There's no more time to be emotional. He's the Commander for a reason, so if he says you stay, then you stay. He must have a reason for insisting, and your job, our job, is not to question him."
"And what if I don't listen to him?"
He walked past you. "Then don't let him know. And don't let him know that I know."
As he and the other soldiers slaughtered the nearby abnormals, you sat against a chimney with your hood up. Fingers tapping the hilt of your blades. Waiting.
To hell were you going to stay on the sidelines. You knew that when the moment was right, it would be your move. But you couldn't make it obvious; no, it was the time to play sly. Because Erwin watched like a hawk. And truthfully, you became a bit intimidated by his scolding because no one had ever yelled at you that way.
There were a few explosions from the inside, so you knew the thunder spears were being put to use. Then a howl followed, sounding just like the one the Female Titan made back in the forest that day.
The Beast Titan threw one single barrel over the wall into Shiganshina. At that moment, it clicked into understandingâReiner's howl was a signal. That barrel was hiding Bertholdt. You glanced back at the massive blast of lightning struck, forming the Colossal Titan. I can go and fight him right nowâ
Suddenly, something flew by your eyes, missing your head by a fingertip's length away. You dove behind the building as a million shards of rocks rained over. A boulder knocked the chimney over, shattering on the ground as you rolled out of the way. But a piece of the debris had cut deep into your shoulder. You pressed a hand to it, staining your palm with blood.
You groaned, shutting your eyes. Not because it hurt that much, but because you realized that maybe Erwin was right. You were a little reckless. Just a bit.
"Your Highness!" Marlo rushed over. "Your arm!"
"You didn't see anything," you told him, following him back to where the remaining Scouts gathered. "And please quit it with the stupid titles."
"Take the horses and retreat to the wall! That bastard's throwing boulders!" ordered Levi. Another wave of rocks fired, striking the houses and all the scattered Scouts. "Move! Stay out of the line of fire!" You tried to slip past him, but his eyes set on your arm. He scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"I know! Shut up!"
"I'm not speaking."
You draped your cape over your wound as Erwin landed. You were all told to stay put while he and Levi discussed the plan. Somewhere along the line, Levi kneeled before him, bowing his head. It was the first time you ever saw him show real respect. Erwin looked at peace. Made you wonder what kind of plan they were hatching.
"I will now announce our final mission! All troops, line up! We're going to mount a cavalry charge, rushing the Beast Titan directly. We will wait until the moment he's ready to throw and then we'll fire our smoke signals together. That should somewhat reduce his accuracy. While we distract the Beast Titan, Captain Levi will get into position to dispatch it. Does anyone have questions?"
"Commander! Are you asking us to die?! Just like that?!"
"Yes, I am."
A woman collapsed to her knees and vomited up bile. Each of the rest of the soldiers looked more terrified than the last. You were sitting on a barrel behind the corner, clutching your shoulder. It wasn't too painful, but it did start to sting. You didn't have any bandages, so the blood was flowing down freely, dripping off your fingers, staining the inside of your cape.
"There's no point standing around. We will only be showered by my boulders. Ready your horses, on the double!" His plan was for the soldiers to do the most they could before their deaths. "But does that mean our lives are meaningless? Does that mean that there was no point in our being born? Would you say that of our slain comrades? Their memory serves as an example to us all!
"The courageous fallen! The anguished fallen! Their lives have meaning because we, the living, refuse to forget them! And as we ride to certain death, we trust our successors to do the same for us! Because my soldiers do not buckle or yield when faced with the cruelty of this world! My soldiers push forward! My soldiers scream out! My soldiers rage!"
Nobody wasted any time in scrambling to their horses.
Soon after, Erwin came to find you. "One hell of a speech, Commander." That was the first time you ever addressed him as his title. Because that speech alone could have convinced you to charge onto the battlefield with the rest of them, ready to lay down your life. Except you couldn't.
His gaze lowered to your blood-stained hand. You shrunk it back into your cape. He didn't mention it. "You were my first choice to be Queen."
You ducked your head, feeling the urge to roll your eyes, but you didn't. Couldn't be rude, not now. Not when it would probably be the last time you'd ever speak with him.
"But you were born a soldier. And a survivor," he said, making you glance up. "And I realize that I may have been too harsh in our last conversation."
"It's fine," you admitted. "I kind of needed that." You haven't felt humbled in a while. It stung, but it felt relieving.
He set his hand on your uninjured shoulder. "You are a fine soldier, Y/n. And although I hope you abide by my orders, I trust that you would know when to follow your own intuition. If it is for the better of humanity, then do it."
Before he walked away, you stood up and saluted with your uninjured hand. Your left one. "It was an honor serving as a Scout under you, Commander."
He smiled. Then he saluted with his left hand, too. "And it was an honor to have you, Y/n L/n." With that, he set off, leaving you feeling even shittier than you did when he scolded you.
The hooves of the horses stampeded into the distance, marching to their inevitable deaths. You swung up onto the roofs. "You're right," you said. "Sorry, Erwin. But I trust my intuition more than you."
When you saw Levi swinging and killing titan by titan, making his way to the center where the Beast Titan stood, you followed suit. You came in from the other side, slaughtering every titan in your path. Green smoke clouding the air limited your sight, but you heard clear as day the sounds of the soldiers' last cries, ripping out deep from their souls.
But with each swing of your blade, your shoulder was starting to ache more and more, which greatly annoyed you. The next cut came too deep, getting your blade stuck in the flesh. You dove down for it. Then a titan's hand came out of the fog, reaching for you.
Your bloody palm immediately moved up to block it as if you could foolishly stop it. But when your skin met with its skin, it never grasped you. You dropped onto the titan you killed. You watched the abnormal's red eyes dim, the iris fading back to white. Like human ones. You quickly snatched your blade out and sliced clean through the abnormal's nape.
What the hell was that? You landed on top of its head and glanced down at your blood-smeared hand. I couldn't have done that, could I?
Suddenly, the quadruped cargo rushed right past you. As in instinct, you raised your blades, but all you saw on its back was a shirtless blond man staring right back at you through his circular glasses. Then they disappeared into the smoke. What the fuck?
"Put down that damn blade," said Levi, landing by you. "It'll worsen your wound."
"Levi, who was that man?"
"That was the Beast Titan's host. I had him. But I hesitated and now he's escaped." He eyed the battlefield of the fallen. "I couldn't keep his promise of assassinating him."
"Well, let's go. He can't have gone too farâ"
"No. I'll handle the rest of the pure titans first. You go kill Bertholdt." He pointed to the Colossal Titan letting out fiery steam, as if showing its last move.
You sped straight for the roofs, past the houses, the torn corpses littered on the streets. Over the walls, you spotted Eren first. Forgetting your orders in the moment, you dove straight down and threw your arms around him. "Good, you're alive. You alright?"
He didn't return the hug. Didn't say a word.
"What's wrong?" Your eyes followed his to a dusty, cooked corpse. "Who-"
"Armin."
The name didn't settle in your brain for a good moment. "That's not him," you said, shaking your head. "It can't be." But somehow, this time, your gut was pitted against you. As if it grew hands that reached up to your heart, squeezing it until you swore you could physically feel the pain. No, we're all supposed to live forever. No one's supposed to die unless I say so.
Then, as perfect as timing ever could be, you caught a glimpse of someone running across the streets. You reached him within seconds. With a single stab through the back, you sent Bertholdt straight on his stomach.
His eyes bulged upon seeing you. "Y/nâ" You sliced off his arms, then his legs, and he let out trails of agonizing cries as you dragged him up to the roof where Eren and Armin were.
"You feel it now?! You feel what a knife into the flesh feels like?!" You sliced off his ear, making him scream. "You hear yourself?! Do you know this is how the soldiers who laid down their lives sounded?! Do you?!" You skinned his shoulder all the way down to his wrist. "You feel how Armin felt?! Skinned alive?! Look at what you've done!" You grabbed a fistful of his hair and forced him to face Armin. Or what was left of him.
"No! Please stop!" he cried, ugly, fat tears spilling down his marked cheeks.
"Still want to kill me?! Do you?!" You held up your blade to his throat.
"No! No, I never wanted you dead! We need you! Please!"
"What kind of bullshitâ"
A gust of wind hit you right in the face. The titan with the blond man on its back appeared right before you on the rooftop. You clutched Bertholdt close, blade against his throat, ready to draw blood at any given moment.
"Y/n Fritz-Ackerman," said the blond man. Your eyes flashed wide. "That's you, isn't it? I saw you stop my control over that titan. You stopped my power."
"Who are you?" you demanded. "And how the hell do you know who I am?"
But his gaze moved past you. "I found you. Eren Jaeger, is it? You don't look a thing like your father."
Eren's breath hitched. "What?"
"Believe me, I understand. I know how you feel. The both of us are victims of your father. I'm sorry that you were brainwashed by him." For a split second, you swore you saw Grisha in his face. The fuck? Then his eyes darted up. "You're kidding. He chased me all this way?"
Levi was at the top of the wall. You could feel the weight of his glare from all the way down here.
"Zeke! Help me, pleaseâ" You plunged Bertholdt's head into the roof. His body fell limp.
"Bertholdt, I'm sorry, but this is the end for you," said Zeke. "Eren. Someday, I'll come back and save you from all of this." Then he looked at you. And you spotted a glint of hatred. "And Marley will come for you."
You furrowed your eyebrows. "Who's Marley?" But the quadruped titan had already left with him. "Eren, do you know who he was?"
Levi landed on the roof, titan blood smeared across his entire body. "I just used the last of my gas. Quick, Eren. Give me your gear. Y/n and I will chase him down."
Just as Eren rummaged to take off his gear, a gasp of air choked out of Armin. Eren immediately hovered over him, screaming at him to keep awake and hang on.
"The serum. Levi, we need the serum," you quickly told him. "I have Bertholdt aliveâwe'll make Armin the Colossal Titan!"
Levi hesitated at first, but out of his cape, he took out the box. The one Kenny gave him. Just as he was about to set it in your hand, a red-haired soldier, Floch, climbed up the roof. Somebody on his back.
"Captain! I have Commander Erwin alive! His stomach has torn to shreds, but he's breathing! IâI thought the injection could help!"
Levi shrunk back his hand. You trailed after his figure, walking away from you. With your palm still faced up. "Levi. The serum is Armin's," you said.
"It isn't anyone's." He knelt down by Erwin. "It's my job to decide. You know what has to happen. Erwin gets the shot."
But Eren blocked his way. Glowering at him with tears in his eyes. "You can't," he said through gritted teeth. "We were going to give it to Armin."
"Move, Eren. I'm going to revive the person who can save humanity."
A blade unsheathed behind him. Mikasa was here, too, getting in her stance. Tears also brimmed her eyes.
"Don't waste your breath, you three. There's no time for this. Get out of my way."
When Eren grabbed the box, Levi threw a punch at his face, sending him back. You finally pulled your blade out of Bertholdt's stomach but Mikasa beat you to it, having Levi by the throat. As Levi and Eren argued about Armin and Erwin's importance, your eyes drifted to Erwin's body.
If I can kill him now, Levi will be forced to give the serum to Armin.
Hange, one eye bloody, held back Mikasa. Levi was distracted, listening to Eren tell him about Armin's dream: the sea.
Only Floch noticed you silently coming over. "Your Highâ" You shot him a stabbing glare. He shut his mouth and backed a step.
You raised your blade up in the air, aiming down at Erwin's heart. Then, there was a crack. Levi had clutched your wrist so hard that it broke. His leg swept you off your feet.
"The hell do you think you're doing?" he fumed, kicking away your blade.
"Making it easier for everyone," you gritted out, holding your limp wrist. "If I end his misery, then I end all of this for us."
"That is not for you to decide."
"And it is for you? Just because the serum was given to you, doesn't mean it's yours! It was Kenny's first, and before that, it was the Reiss's. Doesn't it make it mine?"
He scoffed. "I do not have time for your childish, underdeveloped logic right now. Hange." She and Floch ushered away Mikasa and Eren, both couldn't looking any more defeated than the other. Yet you stayed, unbudging. "Leave, Y/n. Before I break your other wrist."
"Try me."
"Y/n-"
"Don't you have dreams, Levi?" you asked. "You heard it from Eren about Armin's. It's not been achieved yet. Are you going to take that away from him?"
Erwin's face was losing color as each second passed. With my good hand, I can probably still choke him to death.
"Erwin had a dream too," he said. "He wanted to find out the truth about the history of humans. He hasn't achieved it either. Are you going to take it away from him?"
"Would you value a dream about finding out the past more than the one about pursuing the future?"
In the back of your mind, you congratulated yourself as that may have been the most impressive sentence you've ever spoken.
"I didn't know Erwin like I know Armin. But I do know that Erwin wouldn't think twice about moving towards the future. He's already named Hange the next Commander after himâhe was ready to pass his role on anytime! What if one day Armin becomes the Commander? What would you say then when he's the one leading humanity to the future?"
"Are you hearing yourself? Just months ago, Eren was ready to give up his role for the future, too. You argued for him to stay in his role. And now, you're doing the opposite. You don't give a shit about humanity. Just your friends."
"And what's wrong with that? Maybe I'm being selfish, but that doesn't change the fact that Armin has what it takes, just as much as Erwin, if not more. You heard what Eren said. The Scouts have never seen this much progress in years, and it's all because of Armin. And he's not finished yet."
Levi took a moment. "And what if it ends up the wrong choice for the world?"
"Then the world can blame me all they want," you said without thinking. You stuck out your palm again. "You're thinking too much, so I'll think less for you. I'll do what's right." Because Armin isn't dying unless I say so.
The silence between the two of you rang louder than the destroyed town bell once did. Then, Levi turned his back. On Erwin.
"Use your good hand," he said quietly, "and get Bertholdt over here." With each step, he walked further from Erwin, and closer to Armin.
You didn't need to be told twice to grab Bertholdt and drop him next to Armin. Levi finally took the syringe out of the box. And he inserted it into Armin's veins.
After a flash of lightning, you two left the roof. Armin's pure titan consumed Bertholdt. Your friends pulled out Armin's human body out of the nape, weeping for him.
You were going to join them. That was until you spotted Levi, Hange, and Floch staying with Erwin. Levi was talking to him. Hange seemed to be smiling at what he was saying. But it clearly wasn't from some typical, lighthearted joke. It was a bittersweet smile, like it was the last time they'd get a moment like that.
That was the moment you realized that by getting your own friend back, you took their friend.
You got exactly what you wanted. Armin lived. That was what's supposed to matter. Yet it couldn't clean the stains you felt imprinted deep in you, the fact that this was all your doing. The more you let yourself think about it, the more it consumed you. That you took somebody important from someone else.
On one side, people were rejoining. On your other side, people were mourning. You, the decision maker, the consequence bearer, sat down, stuck in the middle of it all, and put your head in your hands.
*
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