...Blaming...
Levi and Hange gathered you all into her office.
You patted the seat next to you on the couch, but Eren didn't seem to notice it, so he sat in between Armin and Mikasa. Sasha filled the space instead.
Levi took the armchair. "What's this about now, Hange?"
"What we really should do is ask Eren that question. So, Eren?" She loosely shrugged. "What happened back there? You jumped up and yelled out like a spider had crawled up your back or something. Was there a spider?"
"No, there wasn't a spider, Commander," he replied, though he really wished it actually had been about it instead.
"Then what was the reason?"
"It's...nothing."
"It can't be just 'nothing,'" said Jean. "Commander Hange literally had to cover for you by bringing up Y/n. And everyone's aware she hates getting her business known. At least spill it for her."
Eren's eyes flickered to you. You did catch it, but it was too brief for you to read him. "Itâit's really nothingâ"
"Eren." Levi was scowling now. "We all have work set out for us. So you better start talking and wasting less time."
He had to think fast. Two things: the royal blood and you. If he'd told them about Dina and Historia, that their royal blood could awaken his Founding Titan powers, what would they do with her? But if he told them about you, that you could stop his powers, what would they do with you? And what would you do after you would find out?
"Come on, Eren, tick-tock, we're waiting," urged Hange.
It truly watered down to one single question: who did he care about more to protect? He didn't even need to think twice to know the answer. "Histâ"
A sudden chill crawled down his spine. Something had shifted in the room. The wind from the open window stopped blowing. The birds stopped chirping. And Connie, who had been tossing around a tissue ball, froze, with the ball floating mid-air. Time had stopped.
A pair of cold teal eyes looked right back at him. Long, brown hair. Wearing a jacket that looked oddly familiar. It was...himself? But older?
"You think you can save her by keeping this a secret?" asked the him in front of him. A blond figure vaguely lingered behind him. "Do you really think you're going to make her suffer less than she eventually will?"
Eren couldn't move. He couldn't speak a word. Couldn't even blink.
"You want to save her from the world? Save her from yourself first!"
The tissue ball landed on the ground. "Ah, shit." Connie reached down and picked it up.
"Y/n can stop me from shifting into a titan."
Silence in the next moment. Then Hange lurched forward onto her desk, first to react. "She can do what?!"
"She..." What have I done? "She can stop me from transforming. I think."
"You think?" Levi tilted his head, looking skeptical. "That's quite the accusation. Are you positive? Yes or no?"
"I'm..." Eren lowered his gaze to his lap. "Yes. I'm sure. It's happened before. Right after she made contact with me, my titan powers stopped working."
"Mmm, I see." Hange pensively tapped a finger on her chin. "I do recall that the first time it happened, you were in the well. Before you climbed in, I believe she patted your cheek."
"And then the next time it happened was when we exposed Annie," spoke up Armin unsurely. "We were all huddled together."
"But that doesn't make sense," intercepted Mikasa. "When he protected us from the cannon with his half-formed titan, he had his hold around all of us."
"It was only my arm," he said. "My skin didn't touch her."
"He couldn't use it either on the day Reiner and Bertholdt escaped, right?" asked Sasha.
"But he managed to control the titans right after," said Jean. "That's using the power of the Founder. And that's after they kissed for the first time."
"So maybe a kiss is different?" suggested Connie. "Or maybe it was her loss of blood that glitched out?"
"Yeah...maybe," said Eren, desperate to be hopeful. He couldn't bear to look at you. You hadn't yet spoken, giving the possibility that you hadn't been paying attention. Good, please don't listen to me right now.
"So we finally cracked the root of why the Order of the Walls wanted to kill Y/n," said Levi. "The Fritz-Ackerman can forbid the Founder's powers."
"If that's the case," continued Hange, "then it means the previous Fritz-Ackerman that Rod Reiss spoke about also could directly stop the royal family's powers. Maybe they killed him before he could stop them from erasing the Eldians' memories." She pulled out some paper. "We can arrange for some experiments. Harmless ones, of course. It can begin right after the funeral."
"What do you think about this?" You didn't hear Levi the first time. "Y/n?"
You snapped awake. "Huh? Oh. Uh..." You fidgeted with the satin fabric of your dress. You wished that you had gotten the chance to change out of it because right now, even breathing properly seemed oddly difficult.
"I, uh...I..." You got up to your feet. "Don't really know what to say...so I'm just going to go..." You walked straight out of the room. No one stopped you.
Eren watched your shadow disappear from the halls. Mikasa elbowed him. "Go."
"What?"
"Idiot, what are you waiting for?" Jean nodded his head to the door. "Go after her!"
Eren jolted up. "Iâright, I shouldâ"
"No. Sit down," ordered Levi. And so he did. "If what I'm guessing is correct, then her mind's already gone to conclusions. She's already thinking that this was all her fault. That all those casualties caused by the consequences of your failed transformations were her doing. This is truly new information, so give her some space for the time being."
Eren wanted to claw into his own head, crack open his skull, and tear his brain up to a million pieces. How have I fucked up this bad? He couldn't believe itâHe'd actually convinced himself that he'd seen another version of him. And he allowed that hallucination to consume him. It should've been Historiaâhe couldn't give less of a shit about her when compared with you. But it didn't matter anymore. He couldn't swallow down words already vomited. The damage was already done.
"Wait, but this is so sad," said Sasha, frowning. "Y/n's always been your number one supporter. Now she finds out she's the one stopping you all along? That's..."
"Cruel," finished Jean. "Goddamn itâyou guys were supposed to be the stupid, crazy, happy couple. But neither of you can ever catch a fucking break. Especially her." His own words from that day when Eren and Historia were captured rang in his mind.
Is it just me, or is the world a bit too cruel to Y/n?
Unbeknownst to him, those same words crossed your mind.
You were somewhere you knew the others would have trouble finding you. The dungeons. You were seated in the corner of a cold cell, hugging your knees to your chest. You used to do this back in the orphanage when you were upset, stopping once you turned six. Exactly ten years ago. Seemed like nothing changed much. The past had once again come back to haunt you, biting you in the ass.
You accepted being an orphan, parentless, bound without love. You mildly felt for Shiganshina, your home, being taken away. You got over your bunkmate being a traitor. You dealt with your own father wanting to kill you. You understood you were never going to meet your dead mom. You joked about the walls, your own land, wanting you dead. You poked fun out of becoming the Princess. You blocked out the sounds of the hundreds of Scouts getting sent to their deaths.
But this, out of everything you've ever fixed or avoided, you couldn't get over this. This was unacceptable. This needed to be denied, to be rejected.
Eren always shouldered the blame, feeling like a failure every time he couldn't transform when it really should've been loaded onto you. In the tunnels that day, those Scouts had been crushed because Eren couldn't transform in time. On the day Reiner almost took him, Hannes had his life taken away because Eren couldn't transform in time. And so were the other collaterals.
Those deaths hadn't meant much to you because you were convinced that it was none of your business. Now, it was. And it felt as if every one of those lives taken because of you were in the cell with you, their ghosts glaring down at you disapprovingly. No matter how much you tried to think your way around it, their blood was stained on your hands.
If only you'd known from the start, then perhaps none of this would've happened. Those lost soldiers would still be here today. And maybe, just maybe, Eren and you would've never happened.
Would that be better for him?
Perhaps, somewhere along your path, you might've accidentally headed down the wrong road. And maybe everything after that choice was just one big mistake.
. * . *
That evening was the funeral.
Nearly two hundred gravestones were added to the already vast graveyard. 209 Scouts. 199 dead. Including the Commander. Only ten made it back.
Everyone was in their army-green uniforms. You and Historia wore black capes, hers with the Crest of the Walls, and yours with the Wings of Freedom. You stood next to her, and Zachary to her other side. The Council stood behind.
The remaining Scouts stood front row, with some MPs and some of the Garrison. Behind them stood all of the civilians. The families of the lost soldiers. Weeping and solemn. Not a trace of color, only the black of mourning and respect.
Hange gave the first speech as the Commander. It was long, acknowledging every single soldier's individual bravery and courageâa sentence for each name. Historia's speech was next. It was about empathy, about the people, and the families that had been affected. Then it was your turn.
You glanced down at the stand. There was already a speech written for you. From first glance, it was only a few shallow sentences. You looked up from it.
"I, um, I chose to be a soldier over the crown. I chose to devote my heart to serving the people in battle just as each of these soldiers had done. And like Commander Hange has said, these soldiers did not die in vainâthey contributed to the future we live in today, with the truth. And just as Her Majesty has said, their lives may not be with us anymore, but their memories will forever stay in our hearts, and their souls with us on our journeys."
You lowered your gaze when you caught a glimpse of a dejected-looking woman carrying an infant. That kid probably lost their dad. Hopefully, with a mom, they wouldn't end up like you. Somebody foolish for never taking into account the sacrifices that were made for so long, just because it "wasn't your business."
"I don't feel it's fair that they had to lay down their lives while I return unscathed. Doesn't matter if I'm the 'Princess' or not. We were all soldiers. All equally important. But they all chose to be a part of something much greater, and when one day, our people gain our victory, what we'll remember are the sacrifices of these heroes. These soldiers will never be forgotten from our narrative, not until the day we die, the day I die, and not even after."
You stepped away, and Zachary came to give the closing speech.
"You didn't read off the script," said Historia. "But you did it better."
"Doesn't really matter if I did," you muttered.
Eren's eyes never left you. To hear something so incredibly remorseful and guilt-ridden meant that he fucked up big timeâcommon knowledge. He always fucked up time and time again. He thought he had learned his lesson every time. Seemed like he didn't.
After the funeral, he squeezed past many people to get to you. He took your wrist. "Y/nâ"
You shook his hand off. "Uh, maybe we shouldn't, you know, make contact right now." You were aware of how ridiculous and impossible you were sounding. And yet you kept going. "There might be a sudden threat, and then you wouldn't be able to protect us."
He clicked his tongue. "That's bullshitâand you know that. There'll be no threat. I just want to talkâ"
"Eren, this is a funeral. It's not about us."
"But the funeral is overâ"
"And I still don't want to talk about it. I don't want to even think about anything that regards myself. So, I'm sorry. Have a nice night. Pass on the word to them, too."
He watched your figure disappear into the crowd. Then he watched the carriage with Historia and Zachary leave. A glimpse of your profile from the window was caught.
The rest of them found him after. "So? Did you do what you said you would?" asked Jean, eyebrows raised, expecting a "yes."
I said I'd apologize to her. Instead Eren told them, "No."
"Did you at least fix it up? Reassure her?"
"I didn't," he muttered. "Didn't get the chance to."
"Then what the hell were you two talking about over there?" asked Connie.
"She was apologizing to me. And I let her. Then she left."
What followed was a rough shove from Mikasa, and he would've let fallen over if he didn't have a sliver of dignity left not to humiliate himself. "What the fuck are you doing, Eren?"
He didn't meet her cold, steel gaze. I don't know.
"In the meeting this morning, you had no chance but to tell the truth. I can understand. After that, we all had to give her space. I understand that, too. But what I'm not understanding right now is how you had the chance to help her, having heard her speech, and yet you deliberately allow her to keep thinking it's all her fault? You share that 'fault,' if not more!"
"I wouldn't be able to get through to her anyway," he defended. "We all know how susceptible she is to avoidance and denial."
"And that's an excuse not to try?"
"Iâyouâ" He scoffed as if she was being the impossible one. "I don't know how, okay? I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to make her not think what she's thinking. And I don't even know what's happening to our lives," he said, the truth finally rolling off his tongue. "So Mikasa, I beg you, give me a fucking break. Because she's not the only one who needs it."
Her glare faded away, and what replaced it was an expression he'd seen on Carla many times in his childhood. Disappointment. "You're right. How would you know? You didn't even know how to confess your feelings. You didn't even know how to make her your girlfriend. It all happened because of our help, which we thought was all you needed to sail the course. Clearly, we made a damned mistake because all along, you were never fucking ready for this shit."
The rest of them followed Mikasa out of the funeral venue. There weren't many people left. But only Armin remained, staring at him with pity.
"Scold me, too. I deserve it."
"Would that change anything, though?"
Eren crouched to his knees, digging his fingers into his hair. "Armin, why is this happening again? Why do I always mess things up?"
Armin sighed. "Have you ever even thought of changing for the better for her?"
"Of course I have! And I try and try, but things just never turn out the way they should! It's justâthe fucking world, humanity, and everything always get in the fucking way."
Armin massaged the ache in his temple. "No, Eren. It's not 'the world.' It's just your mind making excuses for you." When Eren sent him a stunned look, he continued, "Your dad assimilated into the walls against 'the world' that told him no. Y/n built a life for herself against 'the world' that wanted her dead. It wasn't about opposing 'the world'âit was about making the most of what they had and still getting what they wanted. It was about being forced to change and adapt. When will it be enough to force you to start doing something different? Until...it becomes too late?"
Forced to change and adapt? Eren didn't have an instant reply. He didn't have a crafted reply either because he truly did not know. Seeing the obliviousness on his face, Armin left as well.
Eren lingered behind in the cemetery with the rest of the civilians. Head ducked down, hands in his pockets. It started raining somewhere in the middle. He still didn't leave.
One part of him wanted to do everything he could, tread even beyond his power, to amend things with you. But the other part, for the first time in his life, considered letting you go.
There always seemed to be this unknown force that kept on separating you and him. The orphanage gates. The abductions. The blood. Hell, even the age. He wondered if all this trouble and difficulty were just hints building up until one day it would all collapse. He wondered if it would take the rubble to spell out the word "tragedy" to make him realize that perhaps it just wasn't meant to be.
As he finally was leaving, he failed to notice two pairs of eyes burning into his adolescent silhouette. Hidden beneath the shadow of the pine trees.
"I don't understand. If you loved her so much, why did you do that to yourself? To her?"
A breath was taken in. And then out. "I did that because I love her."
*
lowky kinda funny how i'm back to #1 in crackfic while weve gone some waayysss from that