...Savoring...
You and your friends spent the entire next morning shuffling through Hange's office.
Earlier, at breakfast, everyone made up and returned as it was. Jean, Sasha, and Connie gave their rounds of apologies to you. You returned an apology, too, not because you did anything particularly wrong but because you found it to be the fitting thing to do as a friend.
However, you did mean it when you apologized to Armin for losing your patience and raising your voice on him.
"Please don't apologize, I should be the one sorry," he assured you. "I shouldn't have pressured you. You were rightâmy curiosity does take my brain hostage at times. I'm sorry, I just really wanted to know everythingâbut still, it's no excuse."
But you still reassured him, and all was well. Halfway through the meal, having pondered enough, you decided to give in. "Hange and Levi know about my time in Marley, so I guess it wouldn't be very fair to keep you all in the dark."
The others have all quit bullshitting around, listening in carefully. Especially Eren, who was wondering what you'd reveal since he didn't know everything either.
You raised one finger. "I'll start with one thing for now that might satisfy what you're most curious about. About why I was so 'useful' to Marley. But I think it's better to show than simply tell it."
Talking with Eren last night helped you slightly lower your shield over that period in your life. It made you a little more ready to share with others you trusted.
So you all headed to Hange's empty office in search of the tiny wooden box engraved Devil's Bullets, relying on Eren's intel from last night. She was gone for business with the Garrison for the day, so it made searching easier. But after a while, it could not be found. And it wasn't exactly like you guys could go flip over Levi's again. After that last time, he had set strict rules on how many of you could be in his office at a time.
Connie asked if this should just be called off, but you persevered. Maybe you didn't need the bullets; you just need you. "Sasha, do you have an extra bow and arrow?"
The demonstration took place outside HQ, in an alley where nobody could disturb you all. You hadn't told them anything at allâneither did Erenâso they didn't know what to expect. But they did help and set up a target at the end of the alley.
For what you were about to do, you knew it'd cause a bit of disagreement. So you pointed up to the sky and shouted, "Woah! What is that!"
When all of their heads were raised, you pricked the arrow into your shoulder, staining the metal with blood. You threaded the arrow into the bow just as the attention returned to you, and you let the arrow aim true. The entire target ignited into familiar blue flames, erupting gasps and shrieks out of your friends. But you quickly looked away. Somehow, the fire itself bothered you more than the prick in your shoulder.
"What the fuck?" Eren grabbed your arm, a red splotch staining your sleeve. "Why did you just fucking do that?"
"How else was I going to get the blood out?" you asked, treating it not seriously. Thank goodness they all fell for that old trick, or else he might've tackled you to the ground before the arrow made contact with your skin.
He was torn between being worried and frustrated with you. "Youâyou can't justâ"
"That came out of you?!" exclaimed Connie, trying his hand at the flames but quickly recoiled from the heat.
"So this is what the Fritz-Ackerman blood can do?" Armin asked in wonder, inspecting the arrow that was burning up to its feathers.
"Yes, this is indeed the power that is so valuable in demand that there's a whole weapon's line manufactured with my blood," you explained proudly. But none of them matched your enthusiasm. "Oh, come on! It's coolâyou can admit it."
"So does this mean that ... they did that to you over and over again?" Sasha hesitantly pointed at your arm.
"No, they had equipment. They had these needles connected to these tiny tubes that could fill up bags of blood at a time. Twice a week, they'd do it. They call it 'Phlebotomy.' I won't lie, they do have better technology than us."
"So you were being used like an object," stated Mikasa, less of a question. "Constantly, for almost a year."
Your mood deflated instantly. You began packing the arrow and bow up. "That's enough for today. I just wanted to show you guys how cool it was, but guess we aren't on the same pageâ"
"Do you expect us to think it's cool when we just learned that you were beingâ"
"It is so cool!" exclaimed Armin, purposefully being louder. "I've never seen anything like itâit's awesome!"
That led Sasha to compliment the color of the fire, and Connie joined in as well. You knew what they were doing, but you appreciated it. Jean and Mikasa silently cast Eren a look, but none said more.
As much as life returned back to as normal as it could be, there were new regulations, as the Marleyan volunteers had settled on a deal and were staying to help.
You and Eren were not allowed to be even in the same room as some of them. Him because there was the threat of the Marleyans influencing him, the Founding Titan. As for you, nobody had to guess why. It was a bit disappointing, to say the least. You'd just gotten home, and you still had to stay careful. But you didn't expect it to be that bad since you wouldn't see them anyway. They'd have no chance of trying anything funny.
A few weeks later, a Marleyan style shooting range was set up.
Along with the traded knowledge came the advanced military weapons offered to the Scouts to familiarize themselves with. With your experience, you taught a handful of them what you knew but primarily focused on helping your friends get the hang of it.
By sunset, the rest had all gotten back to work, including some of your friends. But Eren wanted to practice more with the rifles, so you stayed to facilitate, along with Mikasa and Armin. Finally, the L/n Quartet was whole again.
"The port should be finished building soon," brought up Armin. "Can't lie, progress has been fast since the Marleyan engineers decided to help out."
"I'm surprised they even agreed to it," remarked Mikasa.
"It certainly didn't start off steady. But I'm glad we were all quick to find common grounds and reach an understanding."
Eren reloaded his rifle and shot another bullseye. You didn't get why he was still practicing if his aim had already been taught perfectly by you. "They're still the bastards who took Y/n."
"Still hung up on that?" You nudged his arm into a more proper shooting form. "It's been a while now."
"Doesn't change what they did," he still said. "Hey, Armin, have you accessed any of Bertholdt's memories yet?"
"There wasn't anything useful," he said, disappointment evident.
"Hope something useful comes up soon. 'Case we're becoming short on time. They say Zeke has less than three years to live." Eren shot another bullseye. Did he particularly care about the fate of the brother he didn't know? Not after he captured you. That was unforgivable enough.
"Do you guys really think it's the right thing to go along with the plan Yelena introduced?" asked Armin. "Threaten the world with the Rumbling to protect the Eldian people? We'd be pushing the known narrative that we're the very thing they've been afraid of for centuries. Enforcing fear onto everyone we don't know and don't know us."
"You heard Hange," said Mikasa. "We don't seem to have an alternative."
"But why can't we just talk to them?"
The corner of your mouth quirked up. "Oh, Armin, sometimes you're too pure for this world." And too naïve. "As someone who's seen a fair share of the world, trust me, they're not very interested in 'talking.'"
"But if we fix the world's misconceptions about us, we wouldn't need these monstrous threats."
"Come again?" Eren looked up. "Misconceptions? What misconceptions?"
"That we're monsters. Devils."
"They think that because we can transform into man-eating titans. Doesn't sound much of a misconception to me."
"But maybe if they can learn that we're just as human as the rest of them are, then this treatment can cease to exist."
Eren finally put down the rifle. "Y/n can't even turn into a titan. She isn't even as much of a 'monster' or a 'devil' as the rest of us are. Yet, look how Marley treated her. Like a damn slave."
You subconsciously flinched at that harsh of a word. Armin and Mikasa immediately noticed, but Eren didn't. None of you acknowledged it.
"The world doesn't need to believe we're devils of hell," he continued. "They just need something to hate altogether. And when it benefits them, they use it. Like they used her."
"Are you going to keep bringing me up to back every one of your arguments?" Though there was a tease in your tone, there was an apparent disdain for what he had just said. He didn't mean it, you told yourself, brushing it off. He was just calling out how you were treated, and there was probably some truth to it. But god, did you instantly despise that word.
"Maybe you're able to get over it. But I can't," he said. And I won't.
He wasn't as strong as you to keep living like nothing bad had ever happened. He didn't have as big of a heart as you did to get over things quickly. And he certainly wasn't ever going to let go of the fact that the world hurt the one person dearest to his heart. Hurting you meant hurting him. That, to him, was unforgivable, and he would never let go of it.
"But there are some Marleyans who like us," pointed out Mikasa.
"How many?" he countered again. "Most of them are still glaring at us from their prison cells."
"They just need some more time to come around," said Armin. "Everyone eventually does. They have to."
"Hope for the best, I guess. While they rot in those cells 'til they change their minds, we'll use the time bought to show the world our strength." He fired again, but his rifle was out of bullets.
"Here." You helped him reload the gun.
"Y/n, what do you think of Zeke's plan?" Eren could never hide what he felt on his face, so by his intense stare, you knew he was just eager for you to agree with him.
"Does it really matter? Looks like we're bound to follow it anyway."
"If you don't like it, we can make a case with Commander Hange to see if there are alternatives."
"No, that's unnecessary. If it can benefit Paradis, if it can benefit us, then," you shrugged as nonchalantly as you could, "I'm all for it. Even if it means following Zeke's plan."
Eren wasn't oblivious. He'd noticed by now how every single time Zeke Jaeger was brought up, something would shift in you. Either the stiffening of your body. Or how your lips would press together and your brows would unintentionally furrow. Or the subtle yet blatant bite to your tone when you'd say his name.
Something had happened between Zeke and you, and it couldn't just have been because he was the one who captured you. There must've been something more, something worse.
But for your sake, Eren couldn't ask you. He couldn't acknowledge it, couldn't bring it up. Because if you wanted to ignore the past, then he would be right there with you.
* . * .
Besides the sounds of waves crashing on the shore, the second loudest noise was Sasha's brutal chewing on the poor lobster.
It was a break day, and the Marleyans had offered the Scouts a taste of their cuisine. It was Niccolo's showtime, and he made a seafood feast that was immediately popular. Then there was Sasha, who became his ultimate number-one fan, breaking down in tears because of how good the food was.
Once you observed that he became less hostile, especially after meeting her, you went up to him. "What'd I tell you? My friends didn't disappoint, right?"
He was reluctant to admit. "They're appreciative. Much more than ... some of us."
"This is the godly nourishment you ate on a daily?" Connie asked you with his mouth full. "No offense, but I say it makes the shit you've been through half-worth it. Can our chefs learn from the bondie or something? 'Cause I can't ever imagine going back to stale bread."
"Be grateful that you even had food to eat." That came from a nearby red-haired Scout. You had to stare a bit longer to remember that it was Floch, who used to be on your Secondary Squad.
Before you could retort, shockingly, Armin beat you to it. "And out of those 200 soldiers, you were unfortunately left to shoulder all this pitiful guilt and get tormented by their ghosts. So, back to you, Floch." Armin held a thumb up and cheerily said, "Reminder to stay even more grateful than the rest of us!"
When Floch spat on the floor and practically scurried out of there, you turned to Armin with your jaw agape. "Since when did you grow a backbone?"
"Was that okay? Was I too mean?" he asked like a child needing parental validation.
You gave him a rough pat on the back. "After all those years of being a silent doormat, taking every jab and punch just to cry your eyes out constantly, I cannot be even prouder."
"Do you have to say it like that?"
You and your friends settled for a picnic atop the hill. Sasha seemed to have hit it off with Niccolo because every time she left, she'd come back with another basket of food.
You commented on how surprised you were that the Scouts still had enough funding for feasts. Armin reminded you that it was because everybody here was literally living off of you.
"There was a whole thing about it, too," said Connie. "The bank people tried to seize our assets and cancel your contract because, for some goddamn reason, they were planning to sign you off as 'deceased.' You can imagine the sort of spiral they sent Eren down in. We even had to write to Historia just to have her get them off our backs."
While you chatted with your friends, you noticed how silent Eren was again. He often stared into spaces for long periods of time, which was weird, but you all had your weird moments.
You watched Jean lamely scoot to make way for Mikasa to get up. She and Armin went with Connie and Sasha to get more food. Not because any of you were still hungry. Only Sasha. You waited until they were out of earshot. "Really, Jean? Almost a year, and you haven't made a single move?"
"It's not as easy as you think," he defended, scooting back to his original spot. "Not when everything I do gets dismissed, and all she knows about me is that I exist."
"Then just get over her," said Eren, the first time he spoke this entire picnic. "If she doesn't like you, just beat it."
Jean looked disgusted with him. "You are one to fucking talk. What if Y/n never liked you back? Would you just get over it? Lose interest and move on?"
Eren looped around your neck and pulled you close as bragging rights. "Lucky for me, I don't ever have to worry about that."
You lightly pushed him away. "Alright, leave me out of this."
"I get it, okay? I'm doing this to myself," muttered Jean. "At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if she were into girls instead."
You sighed. "Okay, Jeanâ"
"Would you still mope around like this if she were actually only into girls?" Eren bluntly asked.
You turned to him. "Eren, you are not helpingâ"
"Would you keep dating Y/n if she were only into girls?"
"I don't need to worry about that either 'cause she isn't!" Then Eren's face paled, and he snapped his head to you. "You're not, are you?"
"I said to leave me out ofâ"
"Waitâif I were a girl, would you still love me?"
You shot him an unamused look. "If I were a boy, would you still love me?"
He stared at you for a moment. "I think I'd love you even if you were a worm."
The others came back, so he and you never finished this "intellectual" talk. It seemed like a good time to tell them more about your time in Marley, so you spoke about the other titan shifters. The moment you brought up Reiner, everybody groaned to show their distaste. You brought up the kid candidates, some old ladies who were Grandma Jaeger's friends, and briefly brought up Mr. Leonhart, which was mentally noted by Armin.
The next time you guys visited Stohess for business, Armin led you down to the dungeons.
"Remind me, why are we here again?"
"This would be the tenth reminder, but because you have something to say to Annie, remember? A word to pass on?"
"And I keep telling you there's no pointâshe can't even hear us."
"And I keep telling youâhow do you know she can't? She's all by herself down there. Just in case she is conscious, I bet she'll appreciate your company after so long."
You narrowed your eyes. "So you've been down here a lot?"
His face paled. "What makes you think that?"
"Armin, you may be the smartest, but I'm not stupid either."
"Don't tell anybody else, please," he muttered. "Especially Jeanâhe's going to ridicule me to make himself feel better about Mikasa."
A soldier at the door inclined her head and opened the door. You recognized her instantly. "Hey, I know you. You're that girl, Hitch. The one who helped us that one time. And who yelled at me."
She scoffed a little. "Wellâwell, I didn't know exactly who you were. None of us knew. Would you like an apology, ma'am? 'Cause it may sound very half-assed. Maybe a bow?"
You clutched her shoulders before she could bend over. "Yeah, that's enough. Good to see you, too." You entered the room and sat beside Armin right in front of Annie's crystal. "So you just sit here doing nothing and just talk?"
"Don't act like you can't sit in one place and talk for hours, too."
You sighed, your eyes glazing the crystal from top to bottom. She still looked exactly as she was the last time you saw her. That was over a year ago. And this time around, you didn't have as much resentment pent up anymore. You had been away from home. And she was still away from one. She was just one of those Warriors manipulated into doing Marley's bidding. She had her faults for sure, but she wasn't entirely to blame.
"I'll actually be outside," said Armin, heading out. "Take your time."
You turned back to the crystal. "Alright, Annie. I'm stuck here with you. For now."
Where to start? You could tell her about Marley. You could bring up how pathetic Reiner became. Or the kids. But first, you had to get something out of the way.
You took in a deep breath before starting. "I met Mr. Leonhart," you said. "You father. He works at a pharmacy. Long story, but he covered for me when I was escaping, and he told me that he misses you. And to come back home, 'cause it's been too long."
You waited for a reaction. Maybe hearing about her father would awaken her. But nothing happened.
"Yeah, you can't exactly leave just yet, but I had to pass along the word."
And you continued to talk. Before you knew it, you were telling her as much as you'd already told your friends, leaving out only the months after the Battle of the Mid-East. Besides the absence of her snarky remarks, it was as if you were back in the Training Corps again. When you used blabber for hours on the lower bunk, never wondering if she was listening from the upper bunk because she was as much of a light sleeper as you.
When you met Armin outside, you didn't have to tell him for him to know how healing that must've been.
. * . *
The following months were what you could call true peace.
Everything was going exactly as it should. Although you couldn't officially be a Scout of the Survey Corps anymore, you never left. You had nowhere to go, either. So Hange helped you come up with a few new roles that you could feed to Zachary if he were to ask.
On some days you were the financial treasurer, on other days the battle strategist, and most of the time, Captain Levi's office assistantâbasically, anything that could get you to stay without breaking the rules.
And since you were the official treasurer, you had more access to the funds than you already did. So, on the next days off, you'd bring your friends with you to local towns in Wall Maria and spoil the hell out of them. If Jean wanted new art supplies, he got as much as he could carry. If Armin wanted new books, he got a full stack. If Sasha wanted an entire restaurant's worth of food, you'd allow it, but then the rest would tell her not to be so greedy.
All of you settled at a table in the open, where other civilians were going about their lives. You all chatted, made jokes, talked shit about Floch and other annoying Scouts, same old stuff. And as always, Eren would start to zone out again.
Once your friends left to help get more food for Sasha's impossibly toned stomach, you took it as your cue. "They're gone now. Tell me what's on your mind."
Eren glanced up. "Nothing's on my mind."
Even with your humongous sunhat, he could see your eyebrow arch, unconvinced. "Let's get a little serious now. I know your mind's not in the moment these days, okay? The others know, too, but everyone has their own things to deal with. You've helped me deal with mine, so now it's my turn. Tell me what's bothering you."
"I've been having dreams," he admitted. Unlike you, he couldn't keep something to himself for the life of him. A secret would either have to be so dear to his heart or so unimportant to keep it a secret.
"Are you still receiving Grisha's memories?"
He hesitated. "You could say that."
He still got bits and pieces of his father's past, but they weren't important anymore. Not after he started having nightly visions of the future. Visions of certain people dying, of certain people living. Visions that had never, strangely and distressingly, included you.
"Were they good or bad? Probably not the greatest if you're looking like that."
He schooled his solemn expression back to normal. "Doesn't matter if they're good or bad. It's all in the past anyway, so there's nothing I can change," he said. "Y/n, you don't have to worry about me."
You rested your cheek in your hand. "Yeah, well, hard to do that when I love you. You'll be stuck with me worrying about you for the rest of our lives. Too bad."
A soft smile formed on his face. "Your life," he corrected. "Mine's shortening by the minute."
You frowned, a little irritation seeping in. "Do you have to bring that up now?"
"Sorry."
This subject had barely been brought up ever since you came back. Whenever it was, it was quickly dismissed. And Eren was learning that the less from the past he brought up, the more fine and dandy things were. No unnecessary fights. No time wasted.
"Y/n, what would you do if you were me?"
"What do you mean?"
It was a burning question that had been plaguing him for a while. "Let's say our roles were reversed. If I were the Fritz-Ackerman, and you were the Founding Titan. What would you do with that power?"
You didn't have to think for long. "I would not do the best job."
He gave a doubtful look. "Nonsense, you're a way better fighter."
"But you're a way better hero," you said. "You actually care about people outside our immediate circle. That's why it suits you more than me. Ohâand if you were the Fritz-Ackerman, you'd be forcing Hange to squeeze your veins dry."
He scoffed. "Alright, I'm not that noble."
"You're plenty noble."
He rolled his eyes. "So what do you think about the Rumbling?"
"The wall titans storming the world?" Honestly, you haven't given it much thought at all. "I think it'd be a very grand show of power."
"Do you think it's more to do with power or destruction?"
"I mean, both, I guess. Power leads to destruction most of the time. But only if it's used a certain way."
"Then if ... if you were the Founder, would you carry out the Rumbling?"
He looked more anxious by the second. You were sure his hands were fidgeting in his lap. "Eren, are you thinking of accepting Zeke's plan?"
"No." He quickly shook his head. "God, no. I'm justâI'm only asking about the Rumbling."
Although you weren't exactly convinced, you didn't question any further. "Yeah, I would."
His eyebrows flew up. "Really?"
"Are you that surprised? We've known I'm no hero."
"But you'd trample the entire world? Just like that?"
"Well, of course I wouldn't do it just for the sake of doing it. Only if I was forced. If the world threatened the lives of my friends, of you, and I had all the power in the world to stop them, then I wouldn't even think twice."
He was torn between feeling reassurance and dread. He was glad your ideals were aligned with his own. A part of him wished you would've condemned him for having such twisted desires, but he should've remembered you both were birds of a feather.
"Then, if I were to carry out the Rumbling, would you hate me for it?" And then he quickly added, "I'm only talking about 'if.' I'm not actually being serious. Only hypothetical."
You turned away. "What is this, a questionnaire? Get some sun, Eren. That might fix up this depressive episode." As you were about to stand, he took ahold of your wrist.
"If I killed the entire world for Paradis," he started, enunciating each word carefully, "for all of us," for you, "would you hate me for it?"
Your stomach sank. "And this is still hypothetical?"
His eyes casted down. "Yeah."
You both knew damn well it wasn't. But he'd forever conflict himself with asking questions he didn't want answered. And denial forever would stand as your strongest shield.
You slid your hand into his and squeezed. "I will never hate you, Eren."
He should feel elated. But that triggered even more premeditated guilt in him. Though it'd wound his heart, he wished you had said you would hate him.
"I've got a question for you, too," you said. "Do you want to carry out this Rumbling?"
Staring into your e/c eyes, he realized nothing much had changed. Even over ten years later, you still looked at him the same way you did when you were both young. Full of unspoken understanding and unconditional forgiveness. But for the first time in his life, he did not know to consider himself cursed or blessed with somebody who would walk with him side-by-side to the end of the world.
He squeezed your hand even tighter. "That's what Zeke would want. That's what they all want, to break us apart," he said. "I don't want it to ever happen. I don't ever want to be away from you again. I love you, and I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to never let you get hurt again."
There were many things always left unsaid between you both, but never about love. Not once did you question his love for you, and he never questioned yours either. And just having him by your side made each day worth savoring to its fullest joy. It made every moment feel equivalent to true paradise.
But nothing lasts forever.
You were reminded of that approximately one year after your return. When you stood with the Scouts across from the Marleyan volunteers on the dock.
That at the end of the day, true paradise was a reservation for the dead and an illusion for the living.
*
Over 50 chaps down. Im gonna let yall in a little secret: i ALMOST considered discontinuing it in the mid 30s chapters cuz i thought it was too hard. But i persevered. Glad im past 50 now.
i actually didnt mean to make zeke so hateable. it just sort of happened i swear.
Btw watch out for ur opps next chap