XXV

I threw my hands up, laughing with everyone as I moved my hips to the beat of the music. I had drank a lot of alcohol. More than ever before. I didn't know the song, but that was usually the case. I had never seen so many people in my life, the house was buzzing with people. When the party had first started, Felix and Oli had taken me around to introduce me to everyone. I felt a little odd, but I was pushing that down as far as I could. I wanted to have fun tonight. I wouldn't let a silly feeling interrupt that.

I had certainly made a lot of new friends tonight. As the party carried on, it was impossible to meet everyone here. People were just flooding through the doors. Oli had taken it upon himself to stand at the door to monitor who was coming in, since I was so nervous about goons crashing the party. That had helped me relax a bit.

I was dancing with Saint and Mia, all of us pulling some goofy moves. I had really grown to like Mia- she was super friendly and a really good listener. Saint and her were a really good couple, they seemed like they were made for each other. I wanted something like that- somebody who just understands me.

Felix and Mike wandered over, carrying a plate of drinks. He distributed them and I studied the contents. It looks like another one of Felix's fruity concoctions that he loves to make- it didn't smell too strong, but my stomach still flipped uneasily at the smell of it.

"Let's do cheers!" Felix cheered, catching the attention of a few people nearby, "To winning the match!"

We all drank.

"To all of us smashing our exams coming up!" Saint cheered.

We all drank some more.

"And to Andy! For this amazing party and being an amazing new friend." Oli cheered, holding a coca cola and coming out of nowhere.

Everyone whooped to that one, including a few of the strangers in the front room. I blushed slightly, sipping my drink and thanking everyone. It settled uneasily in my stomach, making my smile slip. The music was turned up once again and everyone split off to dance, leaving Oli and I alone.

"May I have this dance?" Oli said jokingly, bowing slightly.

I pretended to curtsey and took his hand, dancing with him. He was actually a pretty good dancer and I felt slightly self conscious. I think he noticed because he took my hand, placing his other hand on my waist and helping me sway with him. My cheeks were burning red hot.

"You look cute." Oli whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine and making me tense up.

I smiled meekly at him, my mouth going dry and smile feeling fake. I wasn't sure how I felt about all of this- I had told him I wasn't ready for any of that, but after all it was only a compliment. I felt overwhelmed. I told him I needed the bathroom and headed straight for the stairs.

I picked my way through the people until I got to the stairs, stumbling a bit while heading up the glass stairs. It was hard to make out where the stairs were in my drunken state, considering they were transparent. There were a few people milling around up here, but luckily it was mostly empty. I had made sure to lock the bedrooms- I don't think Daxx would appreciate college kids doing it on his bed. My head felt so hazy.

I unlocked my bedroom door, stepping inside. I closed the door behind me and headed to my balcony. I let the fresh night time air wash over me, breathing a sigh of relief. I was enjoying myself, but I couldn't help the dark feelings creeping up. I felt like they were bubbling up inside me, threatening to spill over. I felt frustrated- what was wrong with me? I had such good friends, why couldn't I just be happy right now?

I looked down below me. The drop didn't seem far enough. It didn't seem as comforting as the drop off of the edge of the cliff. I shook my head, trying to shake the thoughts away. It wasn't working. I felt like I was suffocating. I climbed up onto the balcony railing, sitting and letting my legs dangle off the edge. I could feel tears brimming.

They felt hot- angry. I just love to ruin things for myself, don't I? I hate myself. It wasn't long before I was bawling, gasping for air with every hot tear. I covered my face with my hands, furiously rubbing them away. Why was I sad? I should be downstairs being normal, having fun. Not sat here crying for no reason.

After a while, I just felt empty. I felt numb to the drop below me. I scooted off of the edge a little, barely still on the balcony. I had a million thoughts rushing through my head, so many that I couldn't identify a single one. I just felt anxious and angry at everything. I scooted a little further off of the edge, tears blurring my vision once again.

"What the fuck are you doing?" A voice came from behind me, a warm hand taking hold of my arm and yanking me backwards.

They held onto me securely, pulling me to their chest and away from the balcony. I couldn't see much through my tears, but I could recognise that man drunk or sober. I tried to push him away, stumbling slightly, but he refused to let go. He had never held me so firmly before.

"I wasn't doing anything." I shook my head, pushing him away.

"Don't fucking lie to me, Andy! I saw you." Jimmy exploded, still refusing to let me go.

He pulled me inside, closing the balcony door. I finally pulled away from him, collapsing onto the bed. I stared up at the ceiling, hoping Jimmy would just leave. Why did he even come into my room?

"Wait... Why are you even here?" I slurred, not bothering to sit up to look at him. My head felt light and dizzy.

Looking at his big, stupid face hurts. I heard him move across the room, sitting in the armchair near my bedside silently. He took the glass of water on my bedside, passing it to me and giving me a look that told me I didn't have a choice. I took a big gulp.

"I could hear the music from my house." Jimmy shrugged, making me smile a little to myself. So now he knows how it feels?

"Doesn't explain why you came here- to my room especially." I pointed out, the room spinning slightly as I sat up to look at him.

He huffed, running his hands through his hair with stress. He had gotten rid of the braids, going back to his usual style. I had liked pulling on those braids while we... I shook my head- stop thinking about making out, Andy.

"I wanted to talk to you. I've wanted to talk to you for a while." He shrugged, "I know I'm a dickhead and I deserved you ignoring me when I was out on the balcony that time. Could you hear me out right now, though?"

I bit my lip, pondering what to do. I was so scared of saying yes to him. If I said yes, we would probably make up and make out and then he would change his mind, hurting me a little bit more every time he changed his mind. I didn't blame him- coming out was hard, but I didn't want to get dragged into that again.

"I came to your room because I saw you head up here after blowing off that guy." Jimmy explained.

"What makes you think I was blowing him off?" I blushed, surely it wasn't that obvious, "We're just friends."

"He looks at you the same way I look at you." Jimmy deadpanned, "He's interested in you, but judging by the way you ran away when he tried to get closer, I presume you don't feel the same way."

"I never said I wasn't interested in him." I frowned, not wanting Jimmy to get the wrong idea, "You don't know anything about Oli, or how I feel about him and his advances."

"How many guys do you have on your roster?" Jimmy joked weakly.

"When I agreed to listen to you, I didn't agree to sit here while you judged me for moving on." I rolled my eyes, drinking more of the water, "I've got a party to get back to."

"Andy, I literally caught you just before you flung yourself off of the balcony." Jimmy suddenly exploded, making me jump, "Forget about the fucking party."

I inched away, looking down at the bedsheets. I wish they had some kind of pattern, so I could pretend I was interested in it. Instead, I was just staring at one block-colour intricately. Jimmy sighed for what felt like the millionth time and I fought back tears, my lip quivering. This was a scary conversation. I just wanted to leave... ignore it.

Jimmy stood up from the chair and my heart dropped, thinking he was leaving. However, he didn't leave. He came towards me, crawling onto the bed. He stretched his arms out, wrapping them around me in a warm embrace. I didn't want to accept the hug, but it felt so good. I needed it. It wasn't long before I was bawling into his chest, fat hot tears rolling down my flushed cheeks.

"Is it okay if I carry on talking? I've rehearsed this a million times and I need to get it off my chest." Jimmy's voice was a mere whisper, soothing my nerves and making me relax.

I nodded, wrapping my own arms around Jimmy as I got comfortable. He felt really warm- his hard chest underneath me was sending me back to when I slept on him all night. I hadn't slept as well as that since, so my eyes feeling heavy now.

"I'm so sorry for what I did. When the guys started turning on me, I panicked and you just happened to be there. I know it's no excuse, but I've spent literally every night and day since then regretting it. Out of everyone in my life, you're the only person who would accept me for who I truly am. You're also the only person- other than Daxx- who knows about me.

"Pushing you away let me ignore who I am- suppress it for a bit longer. I stopped going to sessions with Daxx, but he tracked me down and made me realise everything I was doing was just self destructive and only hurting the people I care about. I know what's important now and I'm ready to come out to my parents.

I've done a lot of thinking about everything and after exams, I'm telling them everything. They're going through a divorce anyway, so a gay kid isn't going to change much. I don't expect a second chance from you- I know I suck. I was just wondering if we could be friends or something? I could really use the support."

After Jimmy's long apology was over, I stayed where I was with my face buried in his chest. He had been going through a lot. At least he had realised he was a dickhead for doing that to me and was working through those issues now. I could be friends with him... that could work.

"Okay." I nodded simply, remaining where I was.

His hand softly brushed up and down my back, comforting me. I could tell he was dying to ask about what happened on the balcony, but I was glad he didn't. I knew that wasn't the end of it, but he could probably sense I didn't want to talk about it right this second. We laid in silence for a while and I found myself longing to have this every night.

"You're very comfy." I mumbled, breaking the silence that had settled over us.

"I've missed it. I missed you, I mean." Jimmy mumbled back, his voice so soft and quiet against the raging music.

"I missed you too." I mumbled back, a blush on my cheeks.

"Can I stay here tonight? I don't want to let you go yet." Jimmy whispered, his breath tickling the back of my neck.

"Yes please." I nodded, making him squeeze me to him a bit tighter.

"I'll need to go back down to the party before we sleep, though." I pointed out, making him sigh.

"Fine. Let's go." He yawned, sitting up.