Four

four

“I’m afraid to hope, but I can’t help it, and the idea of hoping in this most hopeless of all places makes me want to cry.”

Beatrice Sparks, Go Ask Alice.

Besides the confrontation with Madelaine at Clevedon House, the weekend was better than expected. Because I helped with the washing, Mum and I finished all the household chores by Saturday afternoon. As a treat, Mum and Dad decided to microwave some popcorn, and we watched a movie he’d downloaded from the internet (shh! Don’t tell). We watched Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. It’s my favourite movie because of the Ewoks.

My family and I love the Star Wars movies. I prefer them over the Star Trek movies. Nothing compares to Star Wars; it’s so much better than Star Trek. I’m a little disappointed with the explosion of the Death Star, though. I preferred the original version, not the reimagined CGI version.

On Monday morning, I made my way to school a little happier than I had been about going to school in the past. I think that has everything to do with the new girl, Moira, and her friends. Moira is really nice. I should get her phone number. But how do I go about doing that? Should I say, hey, let’s exchange numbers so we can catch up? Or should I say, hey, can I have your number? I don’t want to come across as needy or give her the impression that I’m interested in more than friendship from her. Because I don’t. I’m not. I don’t swing that way.

“Hey! Wakey wakey!” I hear as someone waves their hand in front of my face. I look over at the hand waver and see that it is Moira. She and a couple of her friends who are watching me laugh.

“Where were you? Dreamland?” Moira laughs. I blush in embarrassment.

“I was thinking,” I offer.

“No shit,” Moira’s friend, Logan, smiles.

“I have Maths first, you?” Moira asks, looking at me. I pull out my timetable from my pocket. WCGS has a six-day schedule that rotates, so every day is different depending on the day of our timetable. It’s a weird way of doing things, especially since school on Wednesdays always finishes early (meaning we miss the final lesson of that day).

“Uh, Geography,” I say.

“Dam. I hoped we would be together,” Moira states, her face looking down. I smile; she sounds genuine.

“Don’t worry, Moira, I’ll be your friend,” Blake says, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. I laugh as she shakes his arm off, he looks hurt when she does this, and it looks funny.

“But I wanted to be with Sera!”

“I’m with Sera; she’ll be fine,” Yvonne supplies. Moira looks at her, a pout still on her face.

“Okay. But look after my friend,” Moira tells her. Yvonne nods, eager to please Moira.

The bell rings, and Moira gives me a sympathetic look before walking off in another direction.

“Come on, let’s go,” Yvonne suggests, and I nod at her.

Geography has assigned seating, so I don’t sit next to Yvonne, which is fine. After class, I walk out, intending to go to the bathroom before I head to my next lesson.

“Where are you going? We have History now,” Yvonne says as I go to walk away. I turn and look at her.

“Are we in the same History class as well?” I ask, making Yvonne laugh.

“Yes, silly. Come on.”

Funny, I’ve never noticed Yvonne in my History or Geography class. I tell her I have to go to the bathroom first (I got my monthly this morning. It sucks, and I’m in pain), and Yvonne tells me she’ll join me.

We walk into history, and I’m surprised when Yvonne sits at the table next to me. Usually, I sit alone. I remember one time I sat with someone at a table, and as more people trickled in, they got up to join them, leaving me by myself. I felt like shit that day. So, I’ve been trying to be strong and get over it. I think I’m getting better, but… it’s hard.

“Good morning,” our history teacher, Mrs Telopea, greets.

“Today, we are going to start our paired project. You will work with a buddy and present information about a culture in a period of your choice….” Mrs Telopea begins.

“What should we do?” Yvonne asks, interrupting me from listening to the teacher.

“You- you want to buddy with me?” I ask. Yvonne nods.

“Uh,” I begin, looking up at the slide our teacher has presented on the board. On the board are images of people from a range of different time periods. I smile when I see a period of History I recognise.

“I’d like to...” I began telling Yvonne which group of people I would like to study and present information about.

“Wow! Yeah, that would be really interesting!” Yvonne smiles, sounding genuinely excited about whom I’ve decided.

Mrs Telopea walks up to us and asks whom we are studying. When we tell her, she smiles.

“I like that time too. It should be interesting,” Mrs Telopea tells us. We nod and begin writing down the information we need to gather, like notable figures, religion, clothes, inventions, lifestyle, and hierarchy. Yvonne and I decide who will do what, and we grab iPads from the front of the class and begin our research.

The bell for morning break goes, and Yvonne and I pack our things up. I walk out of the class feeling happy for once. Every other time we’ve been given paired assignments, I’ve had to do it on my own. This is a first for me, and I’m excited; I’m looking forward to doing this with Yvonne.

I sit at my usual spot in the cafeteria for recess and inwardly smile when Yvonne decides to join me. She’s followed by Blake and Logan. They join me in their conversations, and a warm feeling fills my body. Moira doesn’t show up, but no one on the table seems to notice. I do scan the room for her, but she’s not there. Maybe she’s outside vaping?

After a better day than most, I walk home feeling happy. Yeah, Catherine and her cronies tripped me in the hallway, making me fall onto my knees in front of everyone, making them all laugh at me, but I’ve had one of the better days of my senior year today, so I don’t care too much.

“Oh, my goddess! What is that smell?” Catherine complains when I walk past her toward Maths. Inaya and Madelaine laugh, and I feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. Not that I think I smell because I know I don’t. I put deodorant on this morning and spritzed myself with Katy Perry Purr perfume.

Trying to ignore her, I walk into the classroom.

I think I’m going to try something new today as I scan the room. I see there are already a few people here, and Jaymie, one of Yvonne’s friends who sits with us occasionally, is seated at a table by herself.

“Hi,” I say as I sit down to join her. She’s doodling on the cover of her book when she looks up at me.

“Hi,” she replies, turning back to her drawing. I begin to pull my things out of my bag. More people trail in when I notice Jaymie gathering her things. I don’t say anything as I watch her get up from the table and join another group sitting elsewhere.

Tears build in my eyes, but I gulp and hold them in. It serves me right to try something different. I should have gone and sat by myself like I usually do, but it hurts. I’m not that bad, am I?

Anyway, I walked into history feeling more optimistic. I’ve been working on my project with Yvonne, and I can’t wait to fill her in on my work.

I sit down at my table and pull out my history book and the notes that I’ve made. I’ve drawn a plan for our project and how I’m thinking of presenting it, and I don’t notice Yvonne walk in. I know she’s here today because we were together in the morning, but I didn’t see she hadn’t joined me until Mrs Telopea started talking.

“… to work on your project. iPads are up the front and come to me if you need any other things for your project,” Mrs Telopea instructs. I turn and scan the room and see Yvonne sitting at a different table with Jaymie.

“Uh, how come you’re sitting here?” I ask Yvonne when I walk over to her. Yvonne stops her conversation with Jaymie and looks at me.

“Oh, Jaymie wasn’t here on Monday, and she didn’t have a buddy, so we’re going to work together,” Yvonne tells me. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.

“You understand, right?” Yvonne asks when I don’t say anything.

“But… you were working with me….” I begin.

“I know. But like I said, Jaymie needed a partner, so we’re going to work together,” Yvonne smiles.

“But… but… what about the work we had planned to do…?”

“Oh yeah. Jaymie and I are still going to do Iceland’s Vikings.”

“It’s a good idea, thanks. We'll need any notes you've made if you've got anything,” Jaymie says, smiling at me. I look at Jaymie but don’t say anything. I love watching Vikings on tv and wanted to delve further into their history. Iceland’s Vikings were my idea.

“Okay,” I manage to reply. I walk back to my desk, feeling defeated. Stupid me! Stupid! How could I ever think she wanted to work with me? I sit at my desk, wiping the tears that run down my face. Stupid tears. I wish I wouldn’t cry. I wish I could be strong and hide my tears. Yeah, I know the science behind tears; they’re our body’s way of relieving stress and our emotions. But I wish I could control them.

The page on my book is getting splotches from my tears.

Come on, Sera. You can do this, I tell myself. I wipe my tears one more time and raise my hand. Mrs Telopea is working with some others in the room before she approaches me.

“I… I was going to work with Yve… Yvonne, but she decided to work with someone else,” I tell her, stuttering. Mrs Telopea frowns and looks toward Yvonne and Jaymie.

“Well. I think you’ll be fine working on your own, Sera.”

I nod at her statement. So, she won’t help me fix this either. I look back down at my book. After a few minutes, Mrs Telopea walks away to help someone else.

Tears continue to run down my face, and I continue to wipe them away. I can just imagine what Catherine would say if she saw me in my head. You’re such a baby. Crying. No one wants to work with you. Who would?

Tentatively, I raise my hand and wait for my teacher to return.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” I ask when she stands in front of me.

“Sure,” Mrs Telopea tells me. My chair drags across the floor, making a noise, and as I look around the room, I see Yvonne watching me with a smirk. Looking away from her, I walk out the door and head for the bathroom.

Get it together, Sera. Get it together, I chant. I’m standing in the toilet stall, learning across the door, as tears run freely down my face. I don’t know how long I stand there, but when someone else walks into the bathroom and enters an adjoining stall, I flush the toilet and walk toward the sink.

Looking at myself in the mirror, my eyes are all puffy, and my face is red. I look like I’ve been crying. Taking a quick breath, I rinse my face with water and try to calm myself down.

Okay, you can do this, I tell myself. Taking a deep breath in, I wash my hands and leave the bathroom.

~ Edited using Grammarly