You Don't Want This Story

(Content warning)

Jana-

Dead. He wanted to be dead. Staring up at the ceiling in the padded cell he'd been in for three days, Jana slowly rocked his head side to side on the carpeted floor. He was in a straight jacket, but he hadn't gone into it willingly. Two guards had bloody noses and Tommy had earned a kick to his lower torso.

It doesn't matter anymore. You barely ever mattered, anyways. Emmet, my baby. Mine.

His lips turned up into a twisted smile as a tired laugh left them. "Mamma thought you mattered. When you were three she took you to the arcade for your birthday."

Jana tilted his head to the right, feeling the carpet press against his cheek.

"Then she left and got high as fuck. She forgot to get you."

A yawn broke his grin, then he sat up.

"Daddy never forgot about you." He reminded himself as a shudder wracked his body and his head tilted back, eyes rolling slightly in his head. He felt himself growing hard and wanted to vomit. "Daddy always had time for you, even when mamma was pregnant. Boy did he have time for you."

Anger quickly quelled the heat burning in his crotch as his eyes refocused on the dim lights overhead. Lights out had been hours ago, but the lights were never turned off completely in the psychiatric ward. One of them flickered, making Jana's left eye begin to twitch at the same speed.

"You wanted to be loved, so much. You started thinking that it was okay to get it from daddy. Every night after mamma fell asleep. Boy did she like to sleep when she was pregnant. How long ago was that? fifteen years? Sixteen?"

He'd stopped counting that first night his father had joined him in his bed. Hell, he only knew he was twenty-six now because Emmet had given him a small ice cream cake two months ago with the numbers on it.

That was a good cake. So fucking good.

Jana had never been one to like sweets, but when Emmet gave it to him, he ate it all. Sure it was a little store-bought thing, but it was from someone who actually cared enough to get it.

"Daddy always gave you birthday fucks." He reminded himself, laughing at the comment as he leaned back onto the carpet again. "Those were his favorite."

Jana licked his lips, tasting the cake Emmet had bought him on them, even though it had been months since he'd eaten it.

"Daddy always got me a cake. He loved to smear it all over me. So busy those nights. Barely even got to sleep before school the next day."

His thoughts began to fracture as the need to sleep tried to pull him under. Forcing the feeling away, Jana blinked up at the lights and felt his face begin to crumple. "Baby, come back. Please. I won't hurt myself again. Please. The scars are yours. All of them are for you, Emmet. You always looked so happy to see me, even through that disapproving look you gave when you saw the new injuries I made."

Jana's breath hitched on a sob, but the tears refused to come. "I'll take the kiss back. It wasn't mine to take. I shouldn't have thought I deserved your attention above normal people. Please come back."

He paused for several moments, just taking his time to breathe. One. Two. Three. Four. Four. Three. Two. One. He counted in his mind, forward and backward. Forward and backward.

"I fucking killed them, okay? Is that what you want to come back? To walk through the door and say that it was all just a sick fucking joke?" Jana yelled as his jaw clenched tightly. "I fucking killed my poor old daddy. I wasn't gonna kill mamma, though. No, she was carrying my baby brother. I was going to have a little brother! You would have loved him, Emmet... if he were ever born."

Jerking abruptly, Jana felt his shoulder pop out of its socket and groaned, loving the pain that surged through his exhausted body before he popped it back in.

"No. That bitch had to smoke. Had to shoot up. So many drugs. I found them all, and I was older then. I understood what it was. What it would do to my little brother. I wanted that brother! He could have taken daddy's attention. Surely a younger boy would have been a better fuck!"

His jaw hurt as his teeth ground together. "But no. Mamma had a miscarriage because of all the shit she needed to get a high after so long. She deserved to die just because of that. Because I would never be free of daddy's affections."

The annoying hum of the lights overhead took over in the cell as Jana quieted. He wasn't sure how long he remained that way, but when he heard the lock click on his door and someone walk in, he redirected his gaze to where they stopped a foot away.

Pimple face.

"Hey Jana." Tommy said quietly, almost as if he were worried that the volume of his voice might set him off. At the current moment, it would.

Instead of answering, Jana narrowed his eyes and grunted. He wanted nothing to do with the man right then. All he wanted was to be left the hell alone. When the guard began to shift awkwardly from foot to foot, Jana knew that he was likely not going to be given what he wanted.

"I've made arrangements for you to have the weight room to yourself for a short while... if you want it."

Surprise had Jana slowly sitting up. He was tired, but working out? He lived for it. Pushing himself. Hurting himself. It always made the thoughts disappear, if only for a few moments. After a long minute of silence Jana nodded his head. Tommy mirrored his action and then knelt behind him and got the straight-jacket unfastened. When his arms were freed from the sleeves Jana calmly put them behind his back.

After being locked up for three days, he was ready to behave so that he could get at least a short time in the weight room. When his hands were cuffed he was helped to his feet, then lead from his room. Being so late, there were very few people walking about. All other inmates were in their cells and only a couple guards watched them as they made their way to the weight room.

Hmm. Wait a second.

Stepping into the room, Jana stopped by the door, making Tommy turn and eye him warily. "What is it, Jana?" He asked, clearly on edge. Jana couldn't blame him after the way he'd kicked him days earlier. Considering he was back on the job already, he surprisingly had to not have sustained any broken ribs.

"Why are you hear? It's clearly not your hours. You're a day guard." Jana stated as he began to slowly walk toward his favorite bench. While waiting for Tommy to respond, he carefully selected his weights and began adding them to the metal bar.

"Tonight was the earliest shift they'd let me return after my medical exam."

Jana's brows drew together as he finished adding the weight he wanted, the total being two-hundred and eighty pounds. "You could have come back on your normal shift." He stated as he laid down on the bench and after briefly stretching his stiff arms over his head, grabbed the bar and began doing reps.

Tommy took longer than Jana thought he would to respond. When he finally did, Jana's arms froze mid-rep, easily holding the weight as he narrowed his eyes on the man.

"I thought you might need some time out of that padded box."

When Tommy saw the look Jana was giving him he shrugged, then offered a slight smile. "I know I could be sleeping right now, but I can do that another time. You can't be out here unless supervised and previous permission is requested."

Grunting, Jana continued his reps, counting out twenty before pushing the bar back into place. His arms burned and his lungs pulled in air twice as fast as normal. It felt great.

"They want to talk to you about what happened." Tommy said after a moment of silence. Jana expected his words, but he didn't want to hear them. The guy should know by his history files that he wouldn't talk. "They can want everything. That doesn't mean I'll give them anything." Jana stated calmly before reaching back up and removing the bar, starting his next set of reps.

"True... but they're willing to offer you a deal, if you talk about what happened. The deal can only get better, they mentioned, if you go into what happened in your past. Put forth new information for them to work with."

A deal? They've never even mentioned that before. Why now?

"I asked them... because Emmet was already working on the papers to get you a hearing about it. I turned them in and made the request face to face."

Hearing his name had the bar slipping from Jana's hands. Tommy caught it, but the weight forced him to fall forward, his knees moving to either side of Jana's head as he quickly tilted the bar, then shoved. It slammed to the floor, cracking several tiles before he followed, dropping to the tile floor on his back with a gasp. Jana watched him, his head still resting against the comfortable bench.

When Tommy finally seemed to catch his breath, Jana felt his lips quirk into a half-smirk and slowly sat up. "Thanks for the view... we should spend some time together naked."