15. Cielo

The crowds that occupied the surrounding hills for the viewing of the Northern Lights were thicker than I had anticipated. Families sat around on blankets spread out with food and drink, mingling with groups of childless adults. Even with all the energy and noise, I was sure my friends and I still managed to stand out.

It didn’t help that both Erin and Russ were more drunk than I had seen them in quite some time. Apparently they’d been drinking for a while. As a matter of fact, I learned they’d started drinking from the moment they’d been waylaid before coming to meet me. There had been some breaks in between, but not very many. As it was, the only one who seemed even remotely sober was Izzy, but then again, I always had a hard time telling if she was sober or not.

I was happy to see my friends again, having been waiting over a week for them to show up. Yet, every time they turned their attention away from me, a wash of sadness and guilt passed over me. No matter how much I tried to engross myself in the conversation around me, I couldn’t shake the image of Dominic’s angry and scared expression.

He had been willing to tolerate that loud man coming onto his property and insulting him. He’d been willing to endure the casual bigoted opinions of others around him. I now knew he had even seen the worst the town had to offer, having rescued the owner of the bakery from an attack on the street. Dominic endured all he did to not only maintain his comfortable way of life, but to keep himself safe and secure.

I plucked a handful of grass, feeling miserable as I thought he had been right to be angry with me. He’d built this life around himself, and I had come along and threatened to knock it all down like a house of cards. Sure, maybe it wasn’t the sort of life I would have chosen, particularly the part where Dominic was still in the closet. Still, I envied it. The sense of community and almost family, a place to call your own, and something to point at to show your hard work had paid off.

Dominic had every right to be scared of losing it. As I watched Erin nuzzle close to Izzy, drunk and flirting heavily, I could see the uncomfortable glances of those around us. It was one thing for me to live my life out in the open, when I was surrounded by people like Erin, Izzy, and Russ, who didn’t care. Especially when we’d be leaving all these people behind, never to see them again. Dominic didn’t have that option. He was stuck in the town, for good or ill.

When I’d come out in high school, it had been met with little to no fanfare from people. Only my friends had been outright encouraging, glad I had finally come into my own. Others couldn’t have cared less, shrugging it off and marking me as one more different thing in a sea of difference. When someone in Hilsbury had come out of the closet, they’d been jumped in the streets.

I still thought that if the people of this town loved and respected Dominic so much, they wouldn’t turn him away. Even if that was the case, I couldn’t bully him out of the closet, or drag him out. If it was something he was ever going to do, it would be something he did on his own. I hadn’t been paying attention, and I’d gone too far.

“You look sad,” Izzy said from under Erin’s grip.

I looked up, shaking my head. “No, I’m not sad.”

“We didn’t pull you away from a new lover, did we?” Erin crooned with a wicked grin.

“No,” I said.

“I bet you wished you could, he was a fine piece of ass,” she laughed.

I winced at the scandalous looks from nearby people. “He was a nice guy who let me stay on his couch after I managed to set the tent on fire. He wasn’t a—he wasn’t that.”

She snickered. “Did your time in the boonies make you a prude now?”

“There are kids nearby, Erin,” I reminded her.

“And how do you think they got here? By—”

Her words were cut off when Izzy moved out from beneath her, giving Erin no support to hold herself up. With a yelp, she flopped into the grass, laughing and swatting Izzy. I shot Izzy a thankful look as Erin was officially waylaid from her initial thought. The last thing any of us needed was to inform one of the poor kids where babies came from, especially when we were outnumbered.

Erin sighed. “You’re no fun, Cielo.”

I had liked to playfully accuse Dominic of being no fun, and I smiled sadly to think some of that might have worn off on me. It stung that he was angry with me, even if I felt it was probably deserved. In truth, I’d begun to think maybe there was something between us, more than friendship, and more than sex. I’d let it get hold of me, and I’d forgotten about where I was, too caught up in my dreams. Just as I should have expected, when I lost sight of reality, it had a tendency to come back and smack me in the face to remind me.

Russ stirred from where he’d been lying on his back in the grass. I had been—and still was—sure the man had fallen asleep under the effects of the alcohol he’d downed. It seemed he’d caught his second wind however, roused by the sound of Erin’s teasing.

“So what you been doing out here in Hillbilly?” he asked, words slurring slightly.

“It’s Hilsbury,” I corrected.

He snorted. “Same thing.”

It wasn’t, but I knew better than to try to correct him again. The best I could hope for was to have Russ tease me over being pedantic. At worst, Erin would probably start in again on how I’d become boring.

“I was staying at Dominic’s house, at his orchard, working out in the fields,” I explained.

Russ laughed. “God, that sounds boring as fuck.”

“You picked apples for a week? Christ, you must have been ready to climb some walls,” Erin said.

I shook my head. “It wasn’t that bad. It was really peaceful, and I mean yeah, the work was hard, but it was beautiful out there.”

And it had been, in a way I would have never imagined. The allure of New York, with its night life, constant energy, and something happening around every corner, had always been my goal. Yet all it had taken was one week out in the middle of nowhere with Dominic for me to realize that the city wasn’t everything, even if it was cosmopolitan.

Russ snorted derisively. “I bet it stank of cow shit. The whole town does.”

“Is that what that smell is?” Erin asked.

“Smells like home. So, yeah, cow shit,” Russ added.

“Oh, stop it both of you. I think it sounds lovely,” Izzy snapped.

I smiled gratefully at her, thankful to have at least one person who understood. Russ had been born in the Midwest, knowing only cornfields and cows, and never wanted to go back. It was probably the main reason for his sheer drunkenness while in town, while Erin was just out to have a good time. Izzy was the only one who seemed to take notice of the beauty that lay around us, but I knew her attention wouldn’t last long.

“At least there was a little bit of color in the town,” she offered.

Erin snorted. “You mean that bakery? God, it looks like someone went through a planetarium’s gift shop for inspiration.”

“All they were missing were cheap little plastic solar systems for the kiddies to hang from their ceiling,” Russ said.

“It was lacking in a certain… polish,” Izzy admitted.

“The whole place is like the most cliché slice of Americana I’ve ever seen. I bet if we’d gone off what they call a main street, we would’ve found houses lined with white picket fences,” Erin sneered.

“And plenty of wives with pies,” Russ added.

Erin snorted, digging through her bag to extract another bottle. “You will never find me stuck in a kitchen, cooking for anyone all day.”

“The last time you used the stove, you almost burned the apartment down,” Russ pointed out.

“Because it’s so boring I almost fell asleep.”

I frowned. “I like cooking for you guys, and for other people. It’s nice to see people enjoying the food you’ve made them.”

“Beauty can be greatest when it’s transitory,” Izzy mused.

“It’s food, Izzy, not art,” Erin said.

I watched as my comment, and presence, were completely forgotten in the face of this latest debate. My three friends fell quickly into a debate about what constituted art, and what didn’t. As with all the other times they fell into a heated debate, I fell to the wayside, forgotten easily.

It wasn’t the first time I was left with nothing to say that I felt would add to the discussion. As I listened to them debate, their words filled with reverence for the artist or photographer of the hour, while simultaneously denouncing anything else that didn’t fit that criteria, I realized I didn’t want to participate.

The longer I listened to their discussion, the more I realized I wanted to be away from them. I realized their discussion felt completely vain and hollow, lacking any real substance other than to pass the time. They sneered at anything that didn’t fit into their view, which was always changing based on the opinions of those more prominent in the field. Their opinions were based solely on the moment, with no real solid base to work from.

It pained me to realize I was thinking of my friends in much the same way I was sure Dominic had viewed me at first. I had tried so badly to fit in with them when our friendship had begun. Yet, all it had taken was a week away from them for me to realize I had never truly fit in, and never would. Their life was one of glamor and glitz, dragged along by the latest trends and sneering at the things left behind.

Despite Dominic’s refusal to live in total honesty, I realized the man had been more honest than anyone I’d met in art school. He might not have been willing to expose his sexuality to the world, but he worked hard, played earnestly, and loved the life he lived. In private, his gruff and practical exterior melted away into kind smiles, down home cooking, and a warm embrace in the middle of the night.

“I think I’m going to take a look around,” I mumbled.

I wasn’t surprised when none of the trio even glanced my way as I stood up. I didn’t mind, glad to leave the three of them without fanfare or attention being called to me. I didn’t begrudge them their life and choices, but somehow, I knew it was time for me to move on. My life had brought me to Hilsbury, and maybe it had been to show me there was more to life, and art, then just the latest flashy thing.

Unsure of what to do with my life next, aching over the loss of Dominic, I began to wander between the groups of friends and families. I’d come to Hilsbury to see the Northern Lights with my friends, but it seemed I would be doing it alone. It was a lonely thought, but I thought it was a little fitting as well.

Walking slowly, I kept my eyes on the sky, waiting for the light show.