Ten

Jamie's room isn't at all what I had pictured in my mind. Not that I had pictured it at all. Ever. Because that would be weird. It's a little disheveled, but so is she at times, so that's expected. Her room is also a lot bigger than it seems from the outside of her house.

"Sorry about the mess," she apologizes. "I-I just didn't know... you know, you would be..."

Is she nervous? I can't help but find it endearing.

Her bed, that sits in the corner of her room, is half made with a neutral gray duvet paired with darker gray pillows. There are a few articles of clothing sprawled across her hardwood floors, and in the corner closest to the door is a small desk. Judging by the paint stains, it seems as if its intended use isn't for schoolwork.

"This isn't a mess," I assure. "You should've seen my older sister's room when she still lived with us full time."

Jamie throws her gym bag in her closet and her backpack on her desk chair. Then, she plops herself right in the middle of her bed after taking her shoes off.

"Well, now I don't feel so bad."

She's looking up at me with this hopeful smile, and I know exactly what she's doing. After all the negative tension from the back-to-school party and the fact that she probably believes I'm somewhat homophobic, this feels like a test. As if she's waiting to see how I respond to being alone with her.

So, I kick off my own shoes and crawl onto the edge of her bed.

"Why don't you try out for track?" I attempt to break the ice. "You're really fast."

She shrugs. "Not feelin' it."

"So, you just run for fun?" I joke. "Or do you enjoy self-torture?

She laughs to herself. "I used to run track at my old school, but it would just feel wrong if I ran for another team."

"But you run the track like, every day."

"Well, it's therapeutic for me, too."

I want to ask her what's bothering her, but feel it isn't my place. Even though she invited me inside her home, her walls are still sky high. The only thing is, I don't understand why. What is she trying so hard to protect?

"That's what art is to me," I confess. "Therapy."

"You don't think this competition is gonna ruin it for you?"

"No."

"Even if you lose?"

I narrow my eyes. "Are you trying to say something?"

"I just think you're very... competitive."

There's a hint of playfulness in her voice, like she's teasing me. I find myself smiling.

"And you're not?" I counter.

"I own my competitiveness." She gives me a heart-throbbing smirk. "You try to act like you don't care, but you care. A lot."

I hate that she's right. I hate that she seems to know me better than most! Has my attitude to her and Jacki's relationship shown my true colors?

"You act like you know so much about me," I defend. "But you don't know anything."

"Well, you make it really hard."

Our conversation comes to a halt. I watch her eyes flicker to my lips for just a second before she reluctantly shifts away from me. There's a tension I'm unfamiliar with, but recognize, nonetheless. It makes my heart pound inside my chest.

"You're a very guarded person," Jamie finishes. "And I don't get why."

"Well, I can say the same thing about you."

My response seems to hit a nerve. She gives me a dry smile and looks down.

"Feeling unwelcome tends to do that to people."

Her words surprise me like a quick slap to the face. Why does she feel unwelcome? Do I make her feel that way? Why does she think that?

"You feel unwelcome?" I ask.

She shrugs. "I'm an outwardly gay person living in a small, conservative town. Of course, I feel unwelcome."

"Who makes you feel like that?"

She just stares at me, then shakes her head.

"Most people here who don't identify with the LGBTQIA+ community, even if they claim they're "accepting," still say and do things that are offensive," she confesses. "And I know they don't mean to be, but..."

I reflect on her words and wonder if that's why she's glued to Jacki's hip. Not because she wants to be, but because that's where she feels most accepted, even if it comes with toxicity.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I wish it were different..."

Jamie gives me a sad smile. "It's okay."

There's a lull in the conversation, and only for a moment do I want to confess everything to Jamie. How trapped I feel in my own skin, how everything everyone knows about me is a lie, how I'm terrified of losing my friends and family, and how much I like her, in so many ways. I want to tell her so much.

Then her phone buzzes from her side table, and when she checks it her eyes roll.

"Your mom again?" I wonder.

"Jacki." She texts back a quick response. "She wants to come over and watch a movie."

My skin grows hot at the information.

"Sounds more like she wants to Netflix and chill," I say.

"Maybe." She laughs before setting her phone back on the table. "I'm just not into Jacki like that."

My anger quickly dissolves. Had Jamie just said... what I think she said? She doesn't like Jacki? It's hard to believe after all the things she's said about her, and did with her, in front of me.

"You know she acts like y'all are together, right?"

"Yeah."

I'm so confused. "But you aren't...?"

She shakes her head.

"Why not?"

The question escapes before I can swallow it.

"It feels forced," she admits. "Like she's... flaunting me? If that makes any sense. I don't know. She's fun, and beautiful, but just... not what I'm looking for, I guess."

Jamie's gaze locks with mine again and I can't help but feel something different. The fact that she doesn't like Jacki feels like a confession. As if she knows it's been bothering me.

"Jacki tries really hard to be the best," I say. "And I guess in her head, having your attention means a lot."

This time she smiles, like really smiles, and it's satisfying to see. I want to tell her that it does mean a lot to have her attention. It means a lot to me. And if I were Jacki, if I were out and proud of who I was, then I would want to flaunt it to. Jamie is unique, but not just because she's from Chicago, or because she's attractive. She's unique because she's Jamie.

She is sweet, and kind, and caring, and passionate. And she's a good person.

I check my phone before getting carried away. "Your mom's fixin' to have a late dinner, huh?"

She rolls her eyes. "Knowing her, she's probably just gonna stop at the little Mexican restaurant down the street and bring home dinner."

I laugh. "I love their food."

"Me too. It tastes a lot better than what my mom cooks."

That's when I hear the front door open, and a feminine voice calls out for Jamie.

"Speaking of..." Jamie climbs off her bed. "Guess we should go help."

I follow her to the kitchen and feel enlightened from our conversation. I know Jamie better, and I'm relieved that she isn't getting involved with Jacki the way I had pictured. I feel awfully comfortable with her.

And I hope that it's what I need to finally be honest with others, and eventually, with myself.

*A/N*

Hope y'all are enjoying The Mural so far. Today I've put together some resources for my trans friends out there. I know that things are scary right now, especially here in the US. Please know that you are loved, you are valued, and you deserve to be seen, heard, and respected just as much as any other citizen in this country.

Trans Lifeline  |  877-565-8860  |  https://translifeline.org/

Non-profit offering emotional and financial help to

trans folks in need, run by and for trans folks

Erin in the Morning  |  https://www.erininthemorning.com/

Keep up with all trans legislation going on in the US.

ACLU State by State Offices & Resources |  https://www.aclu.org/affiliates

Gender Spectrum  |  https://www.genderspectrum.org/resources

Resources for anyone looking to open dialogue about

being queer – support for queer youth through education

Erin's Informed Consent Map  |  https://www.google.com/maps/d/u/0/viewer?mid=1DxyOTw8dI8n96BHFF2JVUMK7bXsRKtzA&hl=en_US&ll=21.933507891912033%2C-109.09443705000001&z=2

Map of facilities that provide HRT services with informed

consent (you don't have to 'prove' that you're trans to

receive treatment!

For the Gworls  |  https://www.forthegworls.com/home

Resource for black trans folks looking for financial

assistance with housing, gender affirming surgeries,

travel, etc.

Trans Podcasts  |  https://podcast.feedspot.com/transgender_podcasts/

Podcasts run by trans folks!