Thirteen

I sit in the corner of the cafeteria alone, sorting cans of non-perishables and placing them into cardboard boxes. Branton High is in the middle of our annual food drive, but this year is by far our biggest yet. We already have tons of boxes ready to be distributed, and there's still an entire week left to go.

Being so involved has a lot of pros, but it also has just as many cons. One being the fact that I must be the one to stay after school, even when most of the student council committee had already bailed, to make sure we stay on track. Despite the fact, the feeling of helping others always makes it worth it, so I don't mind.

The sound of doors opening pulls me out of my head. I expect to see David, one of my friends who's been helping haul boxes to the gym, but it isn't him. Instead, I see Jamie being escorted by my English teacher. What the hell?

I stand after noticing that they're walking over to me and I prepare myself. It's been a few days since Jamie and I have talked, courtesy of me ignoring her. Again.

"Peyton, you look like you could use some help," my English teacher says. "Would you mind Jamie joining you?"

"I guess not?" I respond.

"She was in detention with me, but I have a family emergency and need to leave."

Jamie had been in detention? I silently wonder how she had managed to do that.

"Sure," I comply. "That's fine."

Then our teacher leaves us alone in the quiet cafeteria.

"Detention, huh?" I ask.

"It was stupid."

She follows me over to the area that I've been using to sort the supplies but refuses to elaborate on how she had ended up in detention. Is she embarrassed?

"How stupid?" I wonder.

"I don't wanna tell you."

Ouch. Okay. I guess I deserved that considering I had said maybe a handful of words to her over the last week.

We work in silence after that and refuse to break the tension that feels like it's choking me. I wonder if she feels the same. She doesn't seem bothered by it, but maybe Jamie is good at hiding her emotions too.

The silence continues for what feels like forever. It's easy to ignore Jamie whenever I'm not around her, but when I'm in her presence, it becomes impossible.

I reach for a can that Jamie also reaches for and our hands touch. She pulls back coolly and allows me to grab it.

"Sorry."

I roll my eyes. God, why does it annoy me that she's icing me out? I had asked for it!

"You know, you don't have to stay," I say.

She doesn't even look at me.

"I wouldn't tell if you left," I continue.

"My mom thinks I'm working out," she rejects. "So, I have to be here regardless."

Her response burns me, but I try not to let her see.

"She doesn't know you got detention?"

"Hell no."

The attitude is getting to me. I'm trying my best to be understanding, that I deserve it because I had been a bitch to her over the past week, but she usually doesn't act like this. I want her to forgive me. I want her to want to talk to me, but that isn't the case today.

"What? Did you fall asleep during her class? Because I know she hates..."

"Why do you wanna talk to me all of a sudden?" Jamie interrupts.

I fall silent. I hadn't expected her words to cut me like a knife. I can feel the pain ooze from my invisible wounds like blood. My throat tightens and I force myself to look down into my lap. Why do I feel the need to cry?

Instead of furthering the conversation, I give her what she wants and work in silence. The pain in my chest has become almost unbearable over the past few months. It feels like I'm always on edge, like I'm seconds away from combusting because of everything I keep buried inside. I notice it's only completely intolerable around Jamie, which is why I avoid her.

Unfortunately, I find it easier to ignore her and the feelings that I have rather than face her and the truth. It's less painful that way. Everything inside of me feels all fucked up.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." Her sentence falls. "I got detention because Jacki and I skipped first hour together."

I refuse to look up because I don't want Jamie to see how much her comment had hurt me, but I also don't want her to see how annoyed I am at the revelation.

"She wanted to get high before second period..." She shifts uncomfortably. "But then, after about twenty minutes, she starts trying to mess around..."

I feel my blood boil at the image of Jacki's hand on Jamie's skin.

"I told her no, of course, and she got upset, so I left." Jamie rolls a can of beans back and forth. "The gym teacher caught me hiding out in the locker room."

Suddenly, I realize why Jamie hadn't wanted to tell me what happened. I look at her and notice she's red with embarrassment, even when she has no reason to be. The anger I feel at Jacki non-consensually touching Jamie is blinding, but I try to remain level-headed.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yeah." Jamie tries to shrug it off. "It wasn't how you're probably picturing it, but..."

"I'm sorry that happened."

"It was really nothing."

I'm hanging on to every word, hoping she continues to talk because I desperately miss her voice. I miss the flirty conversations and the jokes... I miss it all but am too much of a coward to just tell her.

"You act so different when it's just me and you," she reveals.

My skin grows hot at her comment. I can't say anything because I know she's right.

"But as soon as other people are around, you ice me out." She stops playing with the can and looks at me. "I don't like the person you turn into whenever that happens."

It feels like she's so close to saying something else, but she hesitates.

"What kind of person do I turn into?" I ask in a curious whisper.

"I don't know." She shrugs. "You get nervous, and uncomfortable, and when you talk it sounds... rehearsed. I just don't get why you feel the need to do that, or why you're so scared of what people think of you..."

I may have everyone else fooled, but Jamie can see right through it. Maybe it's easy for her because she has an outsider's perspective. That, on top of the fact that I only feel comfortable around her when we're alone, practically makes me transparent.

Jamie isn't stupid, and she's tired of me treating her like she is.

"People expect a lot of me," I answer. "And that's really hard."

Jamie gets I'm leaving stuff out, but I feel she knows the truth and just wants to respect my privacy. And if she doesn't know, she probably just believes I act different because everyone's eyes are always on me, waiting for me to fuck up.

"Are you afraid..."

Jamie hesitates again. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest it feels like I'm going to drop dead right here. What the hell is she about to say?

"Afraid of...?" I press.

"Are you afraid that people will think you're gay if you're friends with me?"

For just a moment do I want to laugh. She isn't far off, but she's damn close. No, Jamie. I ice you out around other people because I know it's obvious that I like you. I want to scream it, but it feels as if my lips are wired shut.

"I didn't mean to offend you," she defends. "But I remember your sister saying you've never had a gay friend, and you don't like Jacki..."

"I'm sorry," I cut in. "I'm sorry that I ice you out, and I'm sorry that you have to be here, in a place that's so different from Chicago."

She stops talking and her eyes stay locked on me. I quickly realize this is the first time I've seriously apologized to her.

"I'm sorry that I assumed the worst of you the night after the back-to-school party, I'm sorry that I made you feel unwelcome..." Okay, Peyton, where are you going with this? "I'm just really sorry for being such an asshole, Jamie. You don't deserve it."

The look on her face tells me that she's accepted my apology, even though I haven't answered her last question. The tension disappears, not only from around us, but from inside of me. I can finally breathe a little better.

"It's okay," she assures. "Being raised in a place like this... you don't get much exposure to different. And I can tell you're trying really hard to be open-minded."

God, if you only knew, I think.

Silence falls between us, but it no longer feels hostile. I hate that Jamie and I are constantly on edge because of my insecurities. I hate that I value my reputation so much that I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness for it. I hate it all but still can't find the will to change.

"I'm sorry, too, by the way," she includes. "For snapping at you."

I shrug. "I deserved it."

"No, you didn't."

I look up from whatever can of food I've been mindlessly staring at and lock eyes with Jamie. My heart flutters at the sight of her studying me. I notice we're closer than we were before. For a moment I feel an extreme amount of courage to lean in and kiss her. Her eyes bounce between my eyes and lips for a second, which causes my cheeks to grow hot.

"I don't know why, but it hurts when I think you're upset with me," she whispers. "It drives me insane, Peyt."

The air leaves my lungs. Is this really happening? I hadn't expected her to say something like that. What does that even mean? And had I instinctively moved closer to her without noticing?

"W-Well..." I stutter nervously. Jesus, Peyton! "It's probably best to stay on my good side."

Jamie smirks playfully. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

I should stop. I should stop encouraging the flirting and the stares and the lip biting. There should be boundaries, but no matter how hard I try, I can't find the will to stop.

"What happens if I get on your bad side?" Jamie teases while leaning in closer.

My words fail me. I'm like a deer in headlights. The intensity of the situation has me dying to kiss Jamie just to shut her up. I'm convinced I've never wanted to kiss someone as bad as I do right now. She tilts her head and allows me to get a good look at her neck. Images of my lips kissing the soft skin makes me hot. I feel as if I have no control over what's happening.

Then, the cafeteria doors open, forcing me to jump away from Jamie in response.

"Anymore boxes, chief?" David calls from the doors.

I try to catch my breath. "J-Just these right here."

I stand and notice my heart is slamming against my chest. What would've happened if David had just waited a few more minutes before interrupting us?

We pick up the remaining boxes, haul them to the gym, and all leave for the day. I don't know what to think about what had just happened between Jamie and me, but I know it'll replay in my head for days.

What am I getting myself into?