Seventeen

I'm relieved that our Saturday night bonfire hasn't turned into a huge party, because I was desperate for quality time with my friends. Things were getting hectic, so hanging around the fire and talking is exactly what I need.

"And then Gibbs comes out, dressed in literally nothing but a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and boxers, holding a half empty bottle of bourbon," Darian finishes.

Everyone is in hysterics from the story, but I feel distracted. Jamie sits across the fire, next to Gibbs and another football player, and has yet to notice my gaze. She's been distant the past few days, but I figure it's the season. Usually, around the holidays, it's hard for people who've recently lost something important. Jamie probably missed her old friends back in Chicago, so I decided not to bother her. Even if her distance really puts a damper on my mood.

We hadn't been out here long, maybe about an hour or two, but people were finally starting to get loose. I, on the other hand, hadn't been able to catch a buzz. I quickly think about asking to sip on some of Gibbs' whiskey to help it along.

"Peyt," Darian calls out. "You're quiet over there."

I look up to my friend and see him and Gwen cuddling in a chair. I throw him a quick smile.

"Just chillin'," I deflect.

That's when my gaze finally locks with Jamie's. She throws me a half smile, but there's something there that tells me she too is lost in her thoughts tonight. It kills me that the one night Jacki isn't around to ruin things, we seem to be on different pages.

I stand. "Anybody need a refill?"

"Me," Gwen says, holding up her cup.

I take her empty drink and walk back to the lake house. It isn't until I'm inside that I hear movement behind me. When I turn around, I see Jamie following me into the kitchen.

"Did you need more to drink?" I wonder.

"No, just the restroom."

She disappears into the half-bath while I refill drinks and try to fix my lame mood. I finish around the same time Jamie does.

"Darian's right. You are really quiet tonight," she says. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I lie. "What about you?"

Her lips pull into a tight line. I know that look.

"Could be better."

"Why? What's wrong?"

She leans on the counter and takes in a deep breath. Is she unsure about telling me what's bothering her? And if so, why?

"My ex, uh..." She shakes her head. "She texted me the other day."

I didn't know what to say, but the look on her face tells me things between her and her ex might've ended sour.

"Is that bad...?" I wonder.

"It's not bad, it's just..." She folds her arms. "It brings up old feelings, I guess."

I feel bad that Jamie seems to be so upset over this. I didn't like seeing her hurt. Usually Jamie is upbeat and happy, and it was always contagious. But just like her happiness was contagious, so was her sadness.

"I'm sorry," is all I say.

"It's fine." She shrugs it off. "Let's head back."

She starts out the door and I follow, taking my previous seat across from her around the fire. But, unfortunately, we came back too early, and were now in the middle of a conversation I did not feel safe being a part of.

"I'm just saying, I understand girls being attracted to girls because well, girls are hot," Darian says. "But guys being attracted to guys... I just don't get it."

"Well, that's because you're not gay," Courtney answers.

"Right," Jamie agrees. "But you know it's not that simple, D."

"What do you mean?" Darian wonders.

"I'm saying, some people can be sexually attracted to multiple genders, or not sexually attracted to any gender..." Jamie explains. "It's not just a guy/girl thing."

"Like bisexuals," Gwen includes.

"Or pansexuals." Then Jamie gives me an unsure glance. "They have people that are asexual, too."

"What the hell is an asexual?" Gibbs asks.

"Someone who has no sexual desire for any gender," Jamie answers.

There's a lull in the conversation, but I can tell most of my friends are confused. Hell, I'm even a bit confused. These were terms I'd never been familiar with before.

"I can't imagine not having sexual desires," Darian jokes.

"Same," multiple people around the fire say in unison.

I, of course, make the mistake of not answering, which grabs the attention of one of Gibbs' friends.

"What about you, Peyton?" Cory asks.

"What about me, Cory?" I answer in annoyance.

"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you've ever had a boyfriend," he explains. "Are you asexual?"

I roll my eyes. "No, Cory, I'm not asexual."

"So why haven't you dated anyone?"

"Bro..." Gibbs warns.

"Because guys are annoying."

"So, are you asexual?"

"I just said I wasn't asexual."

"So then are you a lesbian?"

The question makes me clam up, but my face is on fire. My eyes find Jamie, and then Gwen, who are both looking at me with concerned expressions.

"N-No?" I stutter.

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

"Well, no, but..."

"So, you could be a lesbian."

"Cory," Gibbs warns again.

The only people who didn't think this was funny were my three best friends and Jamie. Everyone else has smirks on their faces, as if they're waiting for Cory to nag me into confessing.

"I'm sure Jamie wouldn't mind a little experimentation," Cory jokes as he sips his drink.

"Actually, I would mind," Jamie defends.

I feel as if I'm being pushed into a corner. As if all eyes are on me, waiting for me to break down and admit the truth. In return, this just causes me to grow defensive.

"Well, I don't think you've had an actual relationship since freshmen year, Cory," I counter. "Are you gay now?"

This causes Cory to grow angry. So, I guess he doesn't appreciate equal treatment.

"It was just a joke, Peyton. Chill out," he deflects.

"Have you ever kissed a guy?" I jab.

"Fuck no!"

"Then how do you know you're not gay?!"

He seems offended but tries to hide his obvious anger. "Because."

I couldn't take it anymore. I stand suddenly and knock over the folding chair I had been sitting in. This is bullshit and I didn't deserve to be cornered like this. Jamie, Gibbs, and Gwen stand as well.

"Peyt," Gibbs calls.

"Thanks for the backup guys," I hiss defensively. "I really appreciate it."

I stalk to the lake and away from the fire. I shiver even though I'm hot with rage and embarrassment. Who the hell does Cory think he is?

What a dick, I think.

I stand on the pier and wonder what was going on back at the fire. If I'm lucky, my friends are defending me and convincing everyone else that I'm not gay, regardless of my reaction.

"Peyton?" I hear behind me. "Are you okay?"

I laugh to myself. "Peachy."

Gwen walks closer. "That was really uncalled for on Cory's part."

I didn't have anything else to say to her, so instead I just sit on the cold pier and stare out at the lake. Minutes of silence pass as I find my head and regain my composure, but what comes after this?

Should I just come out to Gwen? She should be the first one to know the truth about me. It was only right. We knew everything about each other, but there were obvious fears holding me back.

"Peyton..." she starts again, grabbing my attention. "You know... if you ever need to talk, I'm here..."

It sounds as if she's coaxing me to admit the truth. Does she know? I wouldn't be surprised, regardless of all the meaningless conversations we had about guys. Gwen isn't stupid.

"I know," I whisper with a tight throat.

"And... if you are gay..."

"I'm not fucking gay, Gwen!" I snap.

All goes silent. I swear my voice echoes for an entire minute as Gwen just stares out at the lake. I can tell my response cuts her deep. We never raised our voices at each other. Hell, we barely ever disagreed. Suddenly, I feel overwhelmingly sad.

Tears choke me. Why the hell am I so scared of tainting my image with the truth? Why am I so afraid of people treating me different? I shouldn't care. I should want the fake people out of my life, even if it was one of my best friends. I should've wanted to be honest with everyone, but fear has me by the throat, preventing that.

And no matter how much I want to be honest, I couldn't make myself do it. I just wasn't ready.

"Please, just leave me alone," I beg. "I need to calm down."

"Yeah," she whispers.

Then she leaves me on the pier.

I feel the pain bubble over and force tears from my eyes. It hurts so much. It feels like something is trying to climb out of my chest, ripping me apart from the inside out. I'm not a liar. I'm honest in all areas of my life...

All areas but my sexuality, and it's killing me. I'm sure of it. And I'm not sure how much longer I could hide the truth.