Nineteen

I hadn't seen my friends in weeks. Since Christmas break started, I had avoided virtually everyone except for my family. The guilt of reality was eating me from the inside out, but for some reason I just wanted to be... alone.

Now, as I sit in the safety of my car after days and days of isolation, I would soon come face to face with most of my peers for this New Year's party.

I stare at my ceiling fan and continue to count the blades as they rotate in a painfully slow circular motion. Post dinner had me feeling mentally exhausted because Alyssa was home from college, and when she's home, conversations consisted of political talk and bickering.

And recently, I just couldn't find the will to leave my bed.

Small vibrations pull me out of my head. I frown when I realize someone is calling me. I roll over and check my phone. It's Jamie. My heart races as I sit up. Why is she calling me? I hadn't seen her since the last day before Christmas break. I hover my finger over the answer command prompt before I exhale a deep breath and slide.

"Hello?" I say.

"Hey," Jamie answers. "What are you doing right now?"

Don't tell her you've been lying in bed for an hour, my mind demands.

I search for a quick lie. "I, uh, I just got back from having dinner with the fam." Lame. "Why?"

"Well, Gwen said she couldn't get in touch with you..." She sighs. "But uh, there's a party tonight."

"Yeah, I forgot to get back to her," I lie. "I don't know if I'm feeling another party, though."

"You should come," she suggests.

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Because it's New Year's Eve and we haven't seen you all break."

I know she's right. I know that I had avoided everyone and every text I had received to hang out. I know it and still didn't feel inspired to leave my room.

"Figured y'all needed a break from me," I let slip.

"What?"

I mentally facepalm myself. "I didn't mean it like that. I just, you know, we see each other all the time..."

Jamie is silent on the other end of the line. I know how my comment sounded, and I know exactly how she's going to take it, but I really hadn't meant it like that. Had I?

"Well, I miss..." She stops. "We miss you. A lot. So, you should come out."

Only for a moment did the gray surrounding me turn to color. Had Jamie meant to say she missed me?

"I'll think about it."

"I'll text you the address."

Then more silence. For a moment, I think she's hung up. I pull back to look at my phone, but realize she hasn't, and then I press it back to my ear.

"Jamie... ?"

My phone buzzes with the address.

"Please, just come over," she begs. "I... I really miss you, Peyt."

She sounds desperate, which makes me feel even guiltier than I already do. I look at the clock and sit up.

"Fine. I'll come."

I check my phone. It's already eleven thirty. I should go in now. Everyone is probably already plastered.

After exiting my car, I pace up to the front door. There are a few people already making out on the porch, but I ignore them and make my way into the house. Bass rattles the house as I'm greeted by a handful of people. None of them are Jamie or my friends. I say my "hellos" and continue to search for them, but figure they are in the heart of the action.

I round the corner in the process of shimmying out of my coat, only to run into Jacki. She's accompanied by three of her friends, and when she sees me her arms cross, a smirk stretching on her lips.

"Oh my God, Peyton, I'm so glad you could join us!" she teases.

"I bet you are, Jacki."

I hadn't meant to sound so bitchy. Or had I? At this point, I blame it on the sadness.

"Where've you been?" she continues. "Giving out food to the homeless? Donating blood?" This has everyone around her snickering. I feel my body heat up. "Oh, I know... you were working hard on that mural, I bet."

I refuse to answer her this time. We exchange glares and I hope she can see that I know she was the one behind the vandalism. She doesn't seem intimidated at all. I turn away from her hastily. I should just leave and go home. No one really wants me here. Jamie just feels bad for me. None of my friends had even called to invite me like she had.

But before I can make it to the door, I hear my name.

"Peyton Kelly," Jamie calls out. "Where are you going?"

I turn and lock eyes with her. The ache in my chest disappears for only a short moment. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her up until now, and the pull to fall into her is insanely strong. It's always stronger after avoiding her for a while. I try to hide the burning in my cheeks.

"I was just looking for you," I lie. She smiles. "To bitch you out for making me leave my house."

Her smile falls to a frown. She crosses her arms and sways from imbalance, giving away the fact that she's probably a little tipsy.

"Really?"

"No," I joke.

She sighs in relief as she studies me. I become self-conscious, which is weird because usually I enjoy Jamie's attention.

"You know, usually people gain weight over the holidays..." She tilts her head. "You look thinner."

"It's just because you haven't seen me in a while," I lie again, fully aware that I haven't been eating regularly. "You've forgotten how small I really am, I guess."

She wants to argue but also doesn't want to ruin the moment. Then, without much warning, she grabs my hand.

"Well, let's go and say hi," she suggests. "Everyone's waiting-"

"Can I get a drink first?" I ignore the heat on my skin from the contact. "Everyone else is drunk already."

She looks back and studies me some more. The disapproval on her face is clear, but why does she care if I drink? Everyone else is. I deserve a drink, probably more than anyone here.

"Fine," she agrees.

I settle on beer and allow her to drag me to my friends who are in the main room awaiting midnight.

"Peyton?" Gwen expresses.

"Look who finally decided to show!" Darian calls out excitedly.

I cringe at the attention but hug my friends and force myself to stick around for meaningless chat. The clock winds down as the Ball-Drop ceremony in NYC plays on the big screen. It all feels so forced that it manages to make me sick, but I'm here now, so I might as well suck it up. I chug the rest of my beer and watch the minutes tick away. That is, until I hear my peers talking about who they're kissing at midnight.

"I've got my kiss," Darian says as he pulls Gwen into him.

"Yeah, well, Courtney is ignoring me," Gibbs says.

"One minute 'til midnight!" someone shouts.

I roll my eyes at the chaos. People scramble to find their significant others or random people just so they wouldn't be considered lame for not having a kiss. Then Jacki and her crew make it into the same room as us. I watch her walk up to Jamie and feel the defeat already taking over.

"Do you have a New Year's kiss, Chicago?" Jacki asks.

"No," Jamie deadpans.

"Do you want one?"

Jamie shrugs. "I'm good."

I tense at the exchange, but luckily their conversation is covered up by chaotic noise, so Jacki doesn't feel too humiliated. She just rolls her eyes and moves on. That's when I feel a soft hand grab my own. I look up at Jamie.

"Let's go outside," she suggests.

I didn't have much motivation to resist, so I just allow her to pull me into the backyard. You can still hear the chaos inside the house even after she shuts the door behind us.

"I don't know why people put so much importance on a New Year's kiss," Jamie complains. "It's stupid."

I want to agree with her. I want to say that I didn't care that I didn't have someone to kiss, but it wouldn't be the truth. Truth is, I want her to be my New Year's kiss. But I'm just so sad. It's why I've avoided everyone for weeks. I believe my sadness is contagious, like a disease you could contract just by being around me. I was afraid that if I even touched Jamie, all the color she feels would turn gray. Her body would go numb and cold, and she would feel just like I did.

I couldn't fathom the thought.

"Yeah, it is stupid," I reply.

She reveals her phone just in time to see the numbers change to midnight. Her gaze falls onto me, but I can't even hold eye contact with her for longer than a few seconds.

"Happy New Year," she whispers through the dark.

"Happy New Year," I respond, trying not to let my voice shake.

That's when an array of fireworks illuminate the night. Colors of red and green and yellow paint the black sky. It's as if all the houses around us are professionally synchronizing their fireworks to put on the best show possible.

Then I finally allow myself to look at Jamie who seems to be mesmerized by them. The colors flash in her eyes, and even though she's part of the reason I'm so torn up inside, I can't help but think she's absolutely beautiful.

She had crashed into my life without warning, completely unaware of the effects she would have on me. Like a summertime hurricane, I had made it through the first wave of destruction. But, right now, in this very moment, I seem to have made it to the eye of the storm, where things are calm and quiet. Where I was able to observe the damage.

Debris is scattered throughout my streets, houses are missing shingles, snakes of electrical lines are exposed, while abandoned cars and flood water lines the roads... but somehow, I'm still standing.

"I thought I was gonna celebrate the New Year with my friends back home in Chicago," she claims. "Like I have for years..."

I feel my heart shudder in pain. She isn't happy to be here?

"But this isn't half bad either."

My smile breaks free and exposes itself on my lips. For some reason, the comment heals some of my pain, even though it only lasts a moment.

"Thanks for coming, Peyton," Jamie finishes. "I would've been miserable if you hadn't."

My heart squeezes at her comment. Does she really mean that? I want to believe her comment means more, that she wants me here because she likes me, but why would she? After everything I had made her believe about me. I refuse to get in my head, so I watch the last of the fireworks instead.

"Thanks for making me come out," I respond.

I bite my lip at the sentence.

Then, as if Jamie knows what I need, she grabs my hand and holds it. It's like she's the light and I'm the dark. The black ink that swirls around inside of me drains, only to expose the color that had been covered up. We don't say anything. We just stand there and enjoy each other's company while the fireworks start to die down.

The storm's destruction is plentiful, and I know it isn't over. Not yet. There's still a lot of pain and struggle to come, but right now that doesn't seem to matter.

Jamie isn't just the storm that's tearing through my life, she's also the sunlight that would warm the streets after it's all said and done.