Twenty-Two

Noah... Peters? The sweetheart jock who every girl, and maybe even some guys, literally swoon over? The guy who gave me a ride home one time after a party and expected nothing out of it? My longtime friend from second grade, Noah Peters?

Jamie and I just stare at each other for a moment as the silence settles around us. I believe we've both been caught off guard with the roses, but I'm beyond surprised about mine.

"Noah Peters, huh?" Jamie sets her roses down and continues to paint. "You've never mentioned him."

"He's uh... he's a friend," I explain through my confusion.

"Seems like he may want more than friendship."

I set my rose down and wonder why she seems so... shocked? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm shocked myself, but is the thought of someone being interested in me that foreign to her?

"Or maybe he's just being nice," I finish.

Jamie laughs to herself, but it doesn't sound humorous. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was jealous, but that couldn't be. Right?

"Are you still talking to Jackie?"

Jamie frowns. "No. She's just relentless."

"And probably found out about you and Lora."

The conversation is seeping with passive-aggressive jealousy, even though it shouldn't be. I should be over it by now. Jamie and I aren't going to happen. I'm too afraid to come out and she isn't going to put herself out there for someone who claims to be straight. It's just logic.

"How'd you know about me and Lora?" she asks skeptically.

"Her Insta story," I reveal.

"Oh."

She turns away from me to hide her embarrassment, probably for assuming I had stalked her social media or gossiped about her when that wasn't the case. Trust me, if I could be blind to Jamie's love life, I would. It hurts too much to watch.

We remain silent until the end of fourth and return our supplies before the bell rings. I decide to skip lunch when I spot Noah walking to the cafeteria alone.

"I'll uh, I'll see you tomorrow," I say to Jamie. "I wanna talk to Noah."

"Sure."

Then Jamie leaves my side in a hurry. I find her behavior weird but pin it on the fact that I had caught her trying to keep the whole Lora thing from me. Which I don't understand, anyway. Why wouldn't she just tell me about it?

I pace up to Noah Peters. A varsity baseball player, not an AP student like me but that's okay. He's tall and his skin looks as if it's permanently kissed by the sun. His dark brown hair hangs around his friendly face in a messy, boyish way. He's hands down one of the most attractive guys at Branton High.

We've known each other since second grade when his parents moved here, and Noah had needed a friend. We stayed close, but not too close, over the years. Nonetheless, we were longtime friends, but was the rose a confession? And why now?

When I get close enough, I call his name.

"Noah."

He turns with a huge smile, and then his cheeks turn bright red at the sight of me. His shoulders tense as he shoves his hands into his pockets.

"Hey, Peyton."

I just hold up the rose with a confused expression.

He laughs nervously and scratches the back of his neck. Then, he says, "Happy Valentine's Day?"

I just lift a brow.

His smile fades when he realizes I want an explanation. "I'm sorry it was unexpected. I just, I wasn't sure if you were seeing anyone, and I mentioned sending you a rose to my friends and they made sure I followed through..."

"Since when?" I ask.

He tilts his head, which causes some of his hair to fall into his eyes. Why is he looking at me like that?

"You want the truth?"

My heartbeat speeds up. "Y-Yes?"

He squints and allows his eyes to fall to the floor. Oh God, how is this going to turn out?

"Probably since sophomore year..." He shrugs. "Maybe before that? I don't know. I've always liked you, it's just..."

All I can do is stare up at him in disbelief.

"You're you and I've never had the guts to just ask," he reveals.

"I'm... me?"

"You know..." His hands wave in the air. "Peyton Kelly. Overachiever, president of like...everything."

"Not everything."

He just gives me a smile and a "seriously?" look.

I cross my arms. "Well I'm not?"

He finally finds an ounce of confidence because he steps closer to me.

"And you're one of the prettiest girls I've ever met."

Is this really happening? I mean, it feels like a scene out of a movie, except... I'm gay! What the hell am I supposed to say?

"Thank you," I force. "I uh...it was sweet of you..."

"It doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to, Peyton," he explains. "But now, you know where I stand."

God, why can't I feel anything?! It's so frustrating! Why am I gay? WHY?!

I sigh. "Thank you, again. It made my day."

He just gives me a kind smile before leaving the conversation and disappearing into the cafeteria. My heart is racing. What does this mean? I know I don't like him romantically, right? I mean, maybe I could, with time? I've never been in this kind of situation. God, I sound so pathetic right now...

"Peyt!" I hear behind me.

I turn to see Gibbs making his way over.

"Hey," I say. "Are you getting lunch?"

"Well we were thinking about burgers instead." He looks past me to wave someone over. Probably Darian and Gwen. My hunch is proven right when I turn to see them walking over.

Then I see Jamie talking to Lora, and my heart sinks.

"B-Burgers sound good." I turn back to Gibbs, who is looking at my rose.

"You got a rose?"

"Yeah."

"From?"

"Noah Peters."

"Noah Peters?" Gwen says as she walks up. "That's... random."

"You're telling me?" I ask.

We head for the parking lot and I silently hope that when we pass Jamie, she doesn't look at me. I'm a complete mess with the thought of her and Lora possibly dating.

"Chicago!" Darian calls.

Darian, shut up!

"You comin' to get burgers or what?" he asks.

"Uh, I don't know..."

"Come," Gibbs urges. "You can ride with Peyton and Gwen."

The pressure to make a decision shows on her face. I don't expect her to blow Lora off, because, well, they look like they're having an intense conversation.

C'mon, just say no Jamie. They'll get over it.

"Sure," she agrees.

Seriously?

She falls into stride with us, conversing with everyone while I remain silent. A part of me wants to know what she and Lora had been talking about, while the other part wishes I didn't care at all.

Gwen, Jamie, and I pile into my car and head for the diner. I hope no one brings up the roses they've received today.

"So, Jamie, who are your roses from?" Gwen questions.

Gwen. I love you, but seriously, shut up. Please.

"Jacki and Lora."

"Jacki's persistent," Gwen claims. "But Lora's cool. She's on the soccer team with Peyton."

The car falls silent as we pull up to our destination. Thankfully, it isn't a far drive from Branton High. I escape the conversation quickly. We choose a round booth that can fit all five of us and chatter erupts as soon as we're all settled in.

"So, Noah Peters," Darian teases. "I like him. He's really chill."

"You two would be pretty cute together," Gwen agrees with her boyfriend.

I can't help but look at Jamie, who's all but hiding behind her menu. Why is she acting so strange about this? Does she know something I didn't about Noah? Hell, she's been friends with Jacki, and Jacki knows dirty things about nearly everyone.

"I don't know if I even feel that way about him," I lie. "I mean, I had no idea he was even interested. And I'm swamped with soccer and school and the mural... Besides, why would I even pursue a relationship when I'm about to graduate?"

My friends just look around at each other. Then Jamie looks up from behind her menu.

"Peyt, you've never been in a relationship though," Darian says.

"Thanks for the reminder," I respond. "I totally forgot."

"What he's saying is..." Gwen interjects. "This could be good for you."

I sigh. No, it really wouldn't be. I would get myself into a meaningless relationship knowing deep down, I wouldn't feel anything other than platonic attraction for Noah. All I would do is lead him on. Then, eventually, I would have to break it off because I couldn't stand lying to him anymore, and then possibly hurt a good guy for absolutely no reason.

"I'll think about it," I finish.

My friends drop the subject and look at each other nervously. They know pushing me to pursue a relationship is a bad idea, and I appreciate that. The only person who had refused to give any input at all was, of course, Jamie. I find her silence on the subject odd. Usually, she has a lot to say.

We eat lunch together while I drift away into my own thoughts. Despite knowing that I wouldn't feel anything for Noah, even if I tried really hard, there is one benefit to possibly pursuing a relationship.

It would certainly look good.

And not just aesthetically. It would look good to the administration. It would look good to my peers. And it would look good to Jacki, who seems convinced she knows that I'm gay.

Would I go through with it? Probably not, because it would be out of character for me to lie further about who I am. But it was only a matter of time before people started seeing through the growing cracks in my mask.