Chapter 33: Chapter 33

I find myself drawn to the training room, even though I still have an hour before I need to be out in the fields. It’s a surprise to see that most of the soldiers are already up and at it.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve gotten to know a good number of the Resistant soldiers. As I wave to them, I can’t help but wonder, with a flutter of excitement, which ones requested me.

Among them is Roy. As the mayor’s son, he’s required to train with the soldiers every day. He catches sight of me as I walk in and gives me a big smile. I feel my cheeks heat up and I quickly move past him.

I can’t help but picture a life with him, chatting with everyone, our kids running ahead of us, their hair a vibrant red like ours.

Across the room, I see the Kagegun soldiers, busy sharpening their weapons. Kazuya and Saito are in the middle of a fight, the soldiers cheering them on. I make my way over and sit down next to Akira, who greets me with a grin.

I watch Kazuya and Saito, their weapons swinging, ducking, jumping, rolling. In the end, Kazuya comes out on top, knocking Saito to the ground and pointing his spear at Saito’s neck.

Saito surrenders, rolling over with a grunt. Kazuya laughs and pulls his sweaty shirt off. He lets out a triumphant yell and jogs over to Haruhiko, who’s holding out a water bottle for him.

The men quickly decide who’s up next. Kazuya spots me and jogs over, a grin on his face.

“Hungry?” he asks, rubbing his sweaty, chiseled abs. “Saito owes me breakfast. Want to join us?”

I give him a small smile and shake my head. He pulls me into his arms, pressing me against his chest. My hands hover at his waist and I can feel his heart pounding against my ear.

Haruhiko whistles and I pull away. Kazuya gives me a lazy grin.

“I’m not hungry, thanks,” I say, looking around at the soldiers while Kazuya and Haruhiko joke around in Japanese.

“Where’s Sanoske?” I ask, realizing he’s not among the men. Kazuya’s smile fades a bit.

“Up there,” Haruhiko answers, pointing upwards.

There’s a small ledge where ropes are tied for climbing exercises. On the ledge, I see Sanoske, fast asleep. I head for the ladder that leads up to the ledge.

“Be careful,” Saito calls out.

I turn and give him a grin. “He won’t hurt me,” I reply cheerfully.

I climb the ladder quickly and quietly, keeping my eyes on Sanoske. His sword is by his side and his breathing is steady.

I slide onto the ledge and look down at him. His face is peaceful. His long lashes rest against his high cheekbones, his full lips slightly parted. He’s completely still.

His black hair is brushed across his forehead and I reach out, running my fingers lightly through it.

Suddenly, his hand shoots up and grabs my wrist. In one swift move, he flips me over onto the ledge and is on top of me.

His thighs straddle me, his face close to mine. He grips my head in his hands, ready to slam it against the ground.

He stops, his eyes wide as he takes in my face. I can feel his muscles tense, his hands flexing against my face. His dark eyes are locked on mine and he holds me there, pinned under him for a few long seconds.

I can feel my breath coming in short gasps and my cheeks are burning. Then, just as suddenly, he rolls off of me, chuckling. I sit up, rubbing my back.

“Now I know why they don’t dare wake you,” I mutter, scowling at him.

He smiles at me. “Did I hurt you?” he asks.

I shake my head and sit next to him, my legs swinging over the edge of the ledge. “No, don’t worry.” I smile.

He leans back, yawning, then picks up his sword and admires it with a smile. He spends a lot of his time polishing his sword and admiring it.

“You’re up early,” he says. “I always thought you were the type to sleep in.” He gives me a wry smile as he strokes his sword.

“I am.” I smile back.

I glance down at the men below us training. Haruhiko and Jun are now battling, and the others surround them and cheer them on. I notice Sanoske watching them as well.

Turning my face toward his, I see his eyes are shining, almost as if he were crying. His full lips are pursed tightly, and he’s clutching his sword.

“You want to be down there with them, don’t you?” I ask.

He looks at me and smiles. “I get a better view up here,” he replies. “Besides, I’d beat them all.”

He chuckles, and I laugh as well.

“Why were you sleeping up here?” I ask.

“I like heights,” he tells me.

“Why were you sleeping, I mean? Instead of training them and not letting them engage in fighting competitions when they think that you aren’t looking,” I ask.

Sanoske chuckles again.

“I don’t get much sleep at night,” he tells me simply. “That’s when everyone else’s guard is down. Mine is up. It always has to be. I steal enough sleep during the day to make up for it. I used to be a heavy sleeper.”

“Why do you need your guard up in a safe place like this?” I ask.

Sanoske looks at me, his lips pursed, then looks away. “No place is safe, Alex. In this war, we’re never safe.”

He grows serious. I see his brows furrow. He looks at his men.

Their shouts reach our ears, and suddenly I can’t hear their laughter or their cheers. All I hear are their scuffling feet, the whoosh of their weapons, and their grunts of pain.

“But this place is safe,” I murmur, frowning. “I need it to be safe.”

I glance up at Sanoske. He doesn’t look at me.

“Do you feel safe?” he asks me.

“I feel that way with you,” I respond.

He shoots me a quick look, his eyes wide. Then his expression goes blank, his lips tighten, and he turns away again.

“Don’t ever say that again,” he instructs me.

I look at him, then back at his men, then at him again. “I’m not asking for anything, I just—”

“Don’t put that on me,” he interrupts sharply.

I look at him, surprised. He turns to me, his face twisted into a fierce scowl. “I can’t be responsible for you. I can’t protect you!” he hisses.

My heart is pounding in my chest. I lean away from him, my cheeks flushing bright red.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to,” I whisper. “I don’t expect anything from you, I promise.” I lower my gaze.

We sit in silence for a long time. I’m acutely aware of his body next to mine, just inches from touching me. My face feels hot. He sighs.

“Alex.” I take a breath and look up at him. “I don’t want you to get hurt. That’s why I can’t be responsible for you. I’m weak. I can’t make the same mistake twice.”

I look at him, puzzled. “The same mistake?”

He looks at me, then leans his head back and stares at the earth ceiling. Finally, he looks at his sword again. He speaks quietly, his voice flat.

“I made the mistake of thinking I was safe before, and I let my guard down. I slept. Many people died that night. The person I wanted to protect, the person I swore to protect, died that night.”

“Oh. How?”

“We were attacked. Ambushed. Whatever you want to call it. It doesn’t really matter. One minute we were sleeping peacefully, the next we were bathing in our blood,” he growls.

“It was a mechanical attack. They invaded the room, they had machine guns, and they showered bullets into the room. I was in the next room to escape an old man’s snores.

“By the time I woke up and came into the room, half of my people were already dead. I chased after the attackers, but I didn’t go far. They didn’t even care who they were killing, they just wanted to kill.

“Families, women, children, old and young. They didn’t care who they left bleeding to death. They didn’t even return for the bodies of the men that I managed to kill. They didn’t even care about their losses.

“They weren’t human, they were machines. Killing machines,” he whispers, staring at the ground.

“Who was she? The one who died that night?” I ask quietly.

Sanoske looks at me with a wry smile and shakes his head slightly. “Mei. Her name was Mei.”

“Mei.”

“She was Kazuya’s little sister. She was friends with my little sister. On the day our village was bombed, we were some of the rare survivors. I was about eighteen, she was a year younger.

“The three of us escaped together. I had already lost many of my siblings by then. My sister, Mei’s friend, and my mother were the only family I had left. They didn’t make it out.

“Kazuya and Mei stopped me from going back into the burning village for them. It was too late. We had seen my house explode.” Sanoske grows quiet for a few seconds.

“Kazuya and Mei became all the family I had left, so we stuck together and grew closer.” He sighs deeply and gazes at his sword.

“We stayed with the other survivors from our village and met up with other refugees as well. On the night they died, we were in a hotel. Mei had my baby in her…” He stops talking for a few long seconds.

“She was going to be my future. I was going to be a father. They killed my future when they killed her.” He grows quiet again for a few seconds.

“They killed everything in me that night. Joy, hope, love. Everything I had left. After that night, I joined the army. And Kazuya followed.”

Sanoske stops talking abruptly, sliding his finger down the scabbard of his sword. He purses his lips and breathes out heavily.

“Now I wait for someone to kill me so I can join her. But first, I want to kill as many of them as I can.” His voice is low and threatening.

I look down at Kazuya, lounging on the floor, his muscled chest gleaming with sweat.

“They were Perfects, weren’t they? The ones who killed Mei and the other refugees, and the ones who bombed your village.”

I take a deep breath and exhale. Sanoske looks at me, his eyes wide. His breathing is heavy with the memory of her. His eyes meet mine. I return his gaze calmly, but inside my heart is pounding against my ribs.

“Yes,” he almost whispers the answer. “They were Perfects.”

“And you have sworn to kill them all. Perfect killing machines. You have sworn to annihilate them all because you hate them all more than anything in the world. Their heartlessness,” I whisper.

Sanoske continues to stare at me. “I have to,” he whispers.

“I am a Perfect,” I murmur.

We look at each other for a long time. The room is bustling with soldiers training, fighting, sharpening their weapons, or joking, but for those seconds I feel like Sanoske and I are the only people in the world.

My heart races as I wait for his reply. My eyes are glued to his face. His dark eyes slowly move up and down my body, as if remembering who I am. Eventually, he tears his gaze away from me.

“You are different,” he says finally, staring at the soldiers below. I don’t let my gaze linger on him and look at my hands in my lap instead. His answer makes me feel uneasy.

~Different.~ I know it isn’t true. I’m just like every other Perfect; I’m no different from any of them. I just know more than they do.

Sanoske is my enemy, the one I need to defeat before I die. My heart is pounding in my chest, and I feel a wave of nausea.

I rise to my feet abruptly. Sanoske’s gaze shoots up to me.

“I’ll let you get some sleep,” I say softly.

As I turn to leave, he catches my wrist, holding me back. I glance down at his hand on me, then back up at him. His eyes are wide as he looks up at me.

“I’m not sleepy anymore,” he says, gently pulling me back down beside him.

We sit in silence for a moment. I start to understand him, why he chose to come to Albion, why he’s determined to stay and take down the Perfects.

I’m amazed that he took me in, saved me the way he did. It must have been instinct when he saw me falling that first time we met.

The second time, he was ready to kill me. We’re enemies.

Looking at him, I realize this. His dark hair, his warm, honey-toned skin, his high cheekbones, the shape of his mouth. His height, his accent. Everything about him screams Foreigner. Everything about him screams enemy.

Why didn’t I see this before, when he’s always seen me as an enemy? Maybe a weaker, female version, but an enemy nonetheless.

Suddenly, I feel uncomfortable sitting next to him, but his grip on my wrist is firm, not letting me go.

“Our past,” I start slowly, “it shapes who we are now.”

He doesn’t respond, his hand sliding down to intertwine his fingers with mine. I stare at our linked hands and continue.

“If Eric hadn’t wanted me, if the nursery hadn’t been bombed…there are so many ifs. I wouldn’t be here looking for Beth if I hadn’t seen and lived through the horrors that I did.

“There’s so much we don’t know about the Perfects, so many secrets buried with the dead. How can we judge when we don’t know?

“When they took Beth from me, I was ready to destroy them all, to leave Albion for good. But I’ve realized that it’s my home, my roots.

“I’ve wondered why I, out of so many, wanted to keep my child so badly. All the other Albion mothers give their children back to Albion for education. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

“I think it’s because I don’t believe in Albion anymore. I don’t love Albion like I used to. But I’ll still protect Albion from enemies, both internal and external. Because Albion is my mother. I owe her my life.”

“Albion needs to change, the Masters need to change, the system needs to change. But I don’t have the power to do that. I can’t do that. All I can do is live my life here in the Resistance.

“They’ve offered me a life, a future. They’ve promised one for Beth too. How could I say no?”

Sanoske’s grip on my hand remains firm. He watches the men training below us. Slowly, he turns to look at me. I can feel my heart pounding against my ribs, a warmth spreading from his hand throughout my body.

“I can’t make the same mistake,” he says.

“I should go,” I whisper.

I pull my hand away from his. He watches me stand, then clenches his jaw and turns back to his men.

In one swift motion, he jumps off the ledge, landing in the circle of his men. They all jump, then cheer him on. He barks a few orders, and the men quickly get to work.

I climb down the ladder slowly. I can feel my cheeks burning. Keeping my head down, I slip out of the training room and run to the farming tunnel.