My Darling Jane: Chapter 25

The plane’s touchdown jolts me awake. I look out the window at the rugged beauty of the Utah landscape beneath me. I smile. There’s nothing like the sight of those mountains to remind me where I belong.

Navigating through the airport feels automatic, my feet carrying me swiftly toward the exit. Outside, Utah’s crisp air is immediate. I slide into the driver’s seat of the rental car and take off.

It’s only been a few months since my last visit, but the pull of home never fades. As I roll into the driveway, anticipation tightens my chest.

The familiar turn off the main road leads up to my parents’ house and land. As I drive up, the Tudor-style home I grew up in from age five looms into view. Its timber framing and steep roof have changed over the years, mostly expanding, thanks to additions funded largely by me. I don’t mind it one bit. I’d buy them a brand-new house with every single amenity if they’d let me, but they love this place.

Behind them sit about two hundred acres of rolling hills and wildflowers. In the distance are the mountains. Close to the house is a barn with horses, more for the enjoyment of the grandkids. Someone comes and takes care of them.

A nurse visits three days a week to check in and bring groceries, giving me and my sisters peace of mind on days when they can’t pop by for a visit.

Stopping the car, I take a moment to appreciate the peace.

This is where I’m from. These are my parents.

Before I can even shut off the engine, the front door swings open. Dad, still steady in his early eighties, offers an arm to Mom.

“Jasper!” Mom says warmly, reminding me of all the times she’s waited for me to come home. First it was elementary school, then middle and high school, the late football practices, the weekends home from college. She’s always waiting for me.

She’s in her seventies, a pretty lady with short white hair and a big smile.

“I’m home!” I say, grabbing my duffel and stepping out of the car.

Dad wags his finger at me. “Thought you’d surprise us, did you? Does this mean you’ve gotten into some trouble with the coach?”

“Nah. He loves me. And it isn’t a surprise if I texted you from the airport!”

Mom waits for her hug, and when I wrap my arms around her, her scent, a mix of lavender and home, washes over me.

“I missed you, Mom.” I pull back and gaze down at her features, then press a kiss to her cheek.

She pats my back three times. One for me, one for dad, and one for her. It’s her thing with her kids.

Inside, the familiarity of the house feels good. I take in the stone fireplace and comfy couches, all the senior pictures of me and my sisters, plus all the grandchildren.

Dad grabs my duffel, even when I tell him not to, and puts it in the hall near my old room. Mom takes a seat in her armchair. “We’ve invited the girls too. The twins are coming, but the rest of the grands are scattered around. How does a beef tenderloin sound for dinner?” she asks.

It sounds perfect.

Later, the kitchen buzzes with energy as my sisters Rayna, Callie, and Demy make their entrance. They are all local, but my sister Zoe, who lives two hours away, called earlier and said she’d be here in time for dessert.

Dad slices the tenderloin he had on the grill earlier, while me and Mom make the side dishes. She manages just fine to make a Caesar salad. Rayna gives me a kiss on the cheek when she sees me, while Callie starts a story about her latest work trip in Paris. Demy, the eldest, is the calm sister, and she listens with a small smile as she hugs me tight. I love each one of them in a different way, I guess. They’ve spoiled me my entire life. I’ve always been their little prince.

The house vibrates with the sound of Macy and Lacy racing down the stairs at Rayna’s dinner call. Callie starts pouring sangria for the adults, and it’s a regular Jannich dinner.

Dad, with that look in his eye that means he’s about to dive into a story, leans in over the table. “Hey, remember the camping trip with Jasper and the raccoon?”

A collective laugh starts to bubble up, and I brace myself.

Macy leans in. “I don’t think I know this story, but I need more Jasper-being-crazy stories to hold over him. What happened?”

I grunt, finding it hard to believe she’s never heard this story. Dad loves to embellish it with each retelling.

Rayna takes the lead as she points at me. “It was on a camping trip. Jasper here decided to check out a trash can at our campsite. Didn’t expect an ambush by three raccoons, though, did you? Anyway, he got surprised and sprinted away, screaming and waving his little arms all the way down to the creek.”

“Those raccoons were monstrous,” I retort. I look at the twins. “Your mom thought it would be super funny if she told me I had rabies. I was eleven and believed everything she said. I learned not to trust her that day.”

Rayna rolls her eyes at me.

I flick a piece of lettuce at her.

Macy’s and Lacy’s eyes widen. “Did one bite you?”

“No bites, just a lot of hurt pride,” Callie says dryly.

Demy laughs. “He ran so fast he fell into the creek, and I had to pull him out. Poor baby.”

“We haven’t gone camping in a while. We should do that again,” Mom says.

I pretend to sulk, but inside, I’m basking in the love. “Because of that story, I can’t even look at racoons on TV. They aren’t cute. They’re freaky. Their hands? The weird face mask. Holy cow.”

Rayna reaches over and gives me a noogie. “You’re a giant man who’s afraid of racoons.”

I huff. “They were skinny, hungry, vicious, evil racoons.”

Dad grunts. “Actually they might have been kittens.”

Mom nods. “I do recall a mama cat and her kittens that summer.”

I toss my napkin up in the air in pretend exasperation. “Stop. They were bear-size raccoons.”

And on it goes . . .

Later, me and my sisters lounge in the screened-in back porch, and the sounds of Jeopardy! float from inside where Mom, Dad, and the twins are engrossed in the TV. Zoe has arrived and sits next to me with her head on my shoulder in the swing. A soft wind blows, moving the string lights above us. With a glass of whiskey in hand, I savor the calm.

Rayna breaks the silence. “So, bro. Are you seeing anyone brave enough to join our family yet?”

“Yeah. We’re ready for a sister-in-law who can handle us,” Callie adds as she sips a glass of wine.

I deflect. “I’ve been swamped. Summer is a tough time.”

“Lie detected. It’s training. Heard you’ve been trying out some dates,” Callie says with a sly grin.

Ah, the twins must have told her all the details about the matchmaking.

I think about Jane and how we parted. “There is someone, but I don’t know what’s going on right now.”

Zoe nudges me gently. “I get that. Is she nice?”

“Very.”

“Pretty?” Zoe asks.

I nod.

“At least give us a name,” Callie begs.

I take a deep breath. “Jane.”

Their interest is immediate, their collective lean-in almost comical.

“Ohhh, tell us more. Please,” Zoe says.

“She’s a single mom. She’s six years younger than me and has a little girl named Londyn.”

Rayna smiles. “And what makes her so special?”

“She’s kind of naive in a way that’s refreshing. But she’s savvy too. She’s used to taking care of herself, and she’s a good mom.” I pause, a frown forming on my forehead. “But there’s something else. Rayna already knows, but my biological mom reached out.” I hadn’t planned on diving into this tonight, but I don’t want to talk about Jane.

Rayna nods. “I figured there was more to your sudden visit. What’s going on?”

I explain about Rae-Anne’s reemergence and her ask for money. “I don’t know her. She’s like a stranger to me.”

Rayna refills my glass, a silent show of support. “You haven’t seen her in over twenty-five years. She is a stranger. This family is about more than just blood. We chose you. We love you. We will always be here.”

Demy places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “You’re never alone in this.”

Zoe nods her agreement.

“Let’s make a toast,” Callie says. “To our family.”

“To family,” I say as we clink glasses.

Later, I retreat to the quiet of my bedroom, the walls adorned with high school and college sports photos. I take out my phone, my thumb hovering over Jane’s contact. Seeing Rae-Anne today weighs on me, and I want to hear Jane’s voice.

I hesitate again, not ready to hit the Call button. She did ask for space, but here I am, calling.

Finally, I press Call and wait for her to pick up.

“Hey, angel, it’s me,” I say, trying to sound casual.

“Hi.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Great.”

“You sound off.” I flip over and lie on my back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling.

“I’m fine, just tired. We’re just getting back to normal. Londyn is seeing a specialist tomorrow, and I’m anxious to get started trying to figure it all out.”

“I’ve been thinking about her. How is she?”

“We’re fine, Jasper.”

Are they?

I want to understand.

There’s things going on with me that I just need to think about.

“Listen, if there’s anything you need, or if you just want to talk, I’m here. I’m, uh, actually in Utah right now, but . . .”

There’s a pause. “Oh, seeing the family?”

“Yeah. I was going a little nuts in the city, and I’m staying here for a while. Macy and Lacy have their dance competition in a week, and I don’t want to miss it,” I say, my gaze drifting to the window, to the miles between us. “After that, I’m due in Atlanta for training.”

In other words, I won’t be seeing you.

Is it enough time for her?

Another side of me wonders if I should have stayed, if I should have gone to her apartment and told her how I’m feeling.

I hear her breathing, and I picture her in my head, sitting on her couch, gazing out the window, with Londyn curled up next to her.

“I’ve been thinking about those tarot cards.”

I sit up in surprise. “Yeah? Which one?”

“The Lovers, how it doesn’t have to be about romantic love, but about making a decision that’s true to yourself.”

I don’t know how to reply. If feels as if she’s trying to tell me something, but . . .

“What do you mean?”

“We both have a lot going on,” she says softly. “Let’s talk later. I have a lot of cupid stuff, and it’s Londyn’s bedtime, so I’ll go. Bye.”

“Jane, wait—” I start, fighting back the frustration.

She hangs up, and I groan.

My unease just won’t go away.

I’m here, she’s there, and in between us are unsaid words.

But just hearing her voice . . .

I fucking miss her.

I wish she were here with me.

I thump my pillow hard.

I wish I hadn’t left her.

I wish I had stayed and delved deeper.

Something’s off, and it’s not just the fatigue in Jane’s voice, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing something.

I send a text. What is going on?

After fifteen minutes there’s still no reply.

Me: Please call me.

Jane: I’m sorry.

I stare at it, anger bubbling up. For what? Rejecting me? Dumping me, because that’s what it feels like. I toss the phone away.

Several days later Rayna drives me to the airport.

“I could fly to New York and see Jane,” I say aloud, more to myself than to Rayna. The idea has been playing on repeat in my mind.

Rayna glances at me, her expression thoughtful. “You have camp.”

I sigh heavily, watching the buildings and trees zip by. “Something is off. Everything is clouded.”

She nods. “Sometimes it’s easier to keep walking a familiar path rather than a new one.”

Her words hit home. The familiar path is training in Atlanta, the routine. Jane is uncharted territory.

“I just don’t want to make the wrong move, you know?” I say, my gaze fixed on the horizon. “I don’t want to pull away, but what if I’m not what she wants?”

She reaches over and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Giving yourself to someone is always a risk.”

“Thanks, Rayna. For everything,” I say, pulling her into a quick hug as she stops at the drop-off zone. “But I’m never babysitting for you again.”

She laughs. “Lie detected.”

I watch her drive away, then head into the airport. Atlanta awaits, but my heart is tangled up in New York with a woman and a little girl.

I’m choosing the familiar path, the one with the least resistance, but with each mile that takes me farther from New York, I can’t shake the feeling that I might be making the biggest mistake of my life.