Chapter#12

The blood was rushing to his head.

He had taken every beating, every bullet and every stab to not be standing in this moment.

And no matter how many times his unconscious had tried to prepare him, ready him- nothing could estimate the time he was now standing in.

He was feeling like everything he ever did in the name of Sara O'Brian had gone to waste. His whole existence felt like a waste.

Because the end of this story seems so unpredictable. He had always thought if someone had to die, it was him. He was suppose to die for her, he had given his whole life so she could breathe so why...why just for his few counted breaths, she put her own life on the line?

He didn't want to be here, he could still smell the scent of her blood, and it was imprinted in his mind, making him dizzy. He felt like he was swallowing it, his throat felt too damn tight. Breathing was getting harder as he tried to devour the small breaths of air he could still breathe but God, he no longer wanted too. There was no point to live in a world where O'Brian didn't live.

He couldn't feel his legs. He knew he would fall face first if he tried to stand. The constant rubbing, shaking made no difference. There was no longer any life in them.

He have forgotten how many times he had rubbed off his tears which had tried to escape, the air around him was unyielding. It was suddenly too cold. Every time he blinked, there would be a new tear waiting for him to rub off. He could no longer see clearly.

Not being able to stand the sight of her blood on his shirt, he tried to rush to the nearest bathroom. Falling and somewhat trying to find a way to walk again he reached inside and the second he did, he took his shirt off. Opening the tap, he put the shirt under the flowing water and started to wipe it- trying his best to get the blood off or at least scrap the smell which was pushing him over the edge.

Again the back of his hand came to rescue the tears which seem to come back every time he tried to stop them but he should have known because the shake of his whole body was making it impossible to even feel anything. The nonstop flow of tears had made his eyes so foggy that he could no longer see and helpless, he slides to the floor- the tap and shirt forgotten but he could finally no longer smell the blood.

His mind was going in circles, going through every possibility. But it was too much for him for his attempt to stop the crammed howl by biting his lip did nothing for a yelp escape his mouth and he curled in a small ball, right there in the bathroom floor.

No matter how much tried to disappear in the cold wall, he couldn't.

He had started to beg, to God. Plead from Him to let Sara live.

A sense of dark bitterness went through him. There he was, so helpless that he had turned to God who he didn't even believe in. He was begging for his life from someone he had long forgotten to ever exist but he knew that it was his last hope.

Drums were going through his head, the loud noise was making him cringe and at the same time, he was drowning in it. His sanity was hanging on a thin thread and he was letting it hand there, without caring that he was falling into something there was no return from.

He didn't know how many hours or seconds had passed when he heard his name from somewhere far away.

"Dean!"

"DEAN! Sh.....sten to ....e. Dean!"

Someone was calling him but he didn't want to answer. He had no life left in him to answer.

"Sara, she's..... You her... me?.... be okay!"

Sara?

He slowly opened his eyes and saw a blurred image of Jamie who was moving his lips but Dean couldn't hear him. What happened to Sara?

"Sara?" her names escaped his mouth in a plea. His senses coming back to him.

"She'll be okay!"

His eyes opened abruptly, he felt like he was hearing things.

"O'Brian is fine? She's okay?" he sounded like a small child and Jamie couldn't believe him eyes. Who was this small boy? This couldn't be Dean, how could it be? The man in front of him looked like a petrified child who had gone through years of misery. Like darkness had eloped his surroundings and he was terrified in it.

"Yeah, she's fine." Jamie replied as softly as he could. He didn't know how to handle Dean in this state. He felt like he was walking on thin ice, one wrong move and he might be the reason for Dean losing his sanity.

"But there was so much blood, the blood...."

"It was just because of the force of impact from when she hit the ground. The car didn't hit her that badly. You hear me? She's fine."

Yeah, he heard him.

She was alive. His Sara was still breathing in the same air he was.

Breathing never felt so effortless.

He tried to sit straight. His legs had their strength back.

"Here, take my hood. I prefer you don't go outside half naked." Jamie handed him his hood which Dean took without a word because he no longer cared about anything except seeing Sara okay with his very own eyes.

"I need to see her." He said while picking himself again. His legs were aching to make the run towards her.

"She is still unconscious, mum is with he--you should probably wash your face first, you would scare mum."

He just nodded and splashed water on his face. Taking the paper towel, he dried it and without looking in the mirror- he followed Jamie to the room she had been shifted to.

His feet came to halt right outside the door. He unexpectedly couldn't find in himself to see her anymore. He didn't want to imagine how worse she looked. He didn't want to let his nightmares come true. The ache in his legs was replaced by heaviness, a weight which was making it impossible to take another step backwards or forward.

"It's okay. Breathe. Sara is fine."

He raised his head to look at Jamie who was smiling slightly. His red eyes were now starting to come back to their usual liveliness. If he as her brother was fine then why was he so afraid?

Dean nodded slowly and entered the room. His eyes in an instant went to the lifeless figure of Sara.

No, she was just sleeping. He told himself. Sara O'Brian was just fine. Sure, she had a bandage on her head and a bruise and few cuts on her face and he didn't want to even think how many damage was done under the blanket which covered her body but she was fine. She was breathing on her own. She just needed to open her eyes and look at him. Open her mouth and shoot at him, just do anything. He was ready to do anything for her to look at him.

"Why the fuck is he here. He's the reason she is in this state."

He didn't have to turn to see that it was June but he didn't care. Her face was last thing he wanted to see and if she didn't shut up, he would make sure no one would ever be able to see her face at all.

"June, it was an accident." Jamie was saying but God, Dean couldn't remove his eyes from Sara. He was caged by an unseen force which had left his everything from breaths to feet in pause. Like gravity, Sara was pulling him towards her but he had trouble following that force.

"Accident! It happened because he came back." June cried out and he came so close to snapping her neck. His hands were aching for her neck.

"Jamie, take June outside." He found himself saying. He had already come very close to lose his sanity and if that woman stayed even a second longer- he will go hulk on her sorry ass.

Of course, it didn't happen without struggle but he knew that even Jamie knew he would actually kill her so he tried his best to quietly take her outside. It was then he noticed Sara's mother, watching him in silence. Her eyes red but she didn't look scared. She didn't look afraid.

And yet, he was.

Five minutes later, he was finally alone with Sara. The silence turned out to be harder to breathe in compare to before. The machines attached to her were creeping him out. He was never the one to have a strong imagination but suddenly, he felt like the room had come to life. He could hear whispers and cries. The darkness in the room seems to be swallowing him. Even with Sara beside him, he have never felt so alone and scared. Fear still gripped his throat.

He silently walked closer to her bed, his steps refuse to make any sound but how he wished they did because the silence was tightening.

He hated silence in the presence of O'Brian and she- she always used it to hurt him, make him feel guilty and he knew it as the sign of her being angry. It was terrifying. The thought of her not speaking to him used to terrify him and he found out that nothing have changed in past two years. It still scared the shit out of him.

His body felt cold as he came right beside her still body. Her chest was rising up and down faintly. That was the only sign of life in the whole room. He couldn't feel the air passing through his nose anymore.

He touched her hand with his fingers so gently as afraid she'll crumble like sand in his hand and he would just sit there watching her drift away because right now, it felt like everything was possible.

Especially the possibility of Sara O'Brian never becoming his. And that was only possible if O'Brian no longer lived.

And he can't let this happen. He has not thought of a life without her. He didn't even know how to breathe or have a reason to live if she no longer lived.

He took a seat beside her, his fingers coming back to him again as if they were also careful to not make a mistake.

It felt empty staring at her. He have watched her sleep many times, spend hours just counting her breaths, smiling like an idiot and feeling like a blasting stalker and creep but right now in this moment, he have never felt more like a criminal because he knew- he have broken the one moral he had.

O'Brian.

He could kill without batting an eye, he could torture like it was his fucking playtime and still sleep at night like a baby. But right now, sleep was the last thing on his mind. She held so much power over him that it would piss someone's pants if they knew. She just had to ask him to die and he would ask her, "How?".

She could ask him to donate his fucking everything and he would just ask, "To who?".

It was like being attached to strings and giving the control to someone else. In his case to a complete oblivious idiot.

But yet he held never felt suffocating, his controlled conscious never felt unwilling. He was fucking brainwashed by the charm of a very blockhead person.

His fingers once again reached out to touch her- pausing just a second before.

"I'm so sorry. I am so fucking sorry. Please...I beg you. Please, just be okay." He whispered through clutched jaw, his voice breaking slightly.

He didn't want to know why he was so fucking weak when it came to her, why he could cry like a baby when it came to her. All he knew was that he didn't care. He didn't hate these sides, these glimpses which came to surface when O'Brian was around. Maybe he liked to take himself by surprise or maybe it was for her that he didn't bother to mind.

But he had loved her enough to make her his weakness but he was hoping that it would change because for him, she was also his strength. His only strength so yes, she was also a weakness but where she was the reason he could fall down on his knees- she was always the reason when he could fly.

She was supposed to be fine, suppose to open her eyes in few minutes and yet- he couldn't wait. Last time he had actually seen her blood was three years ago and he was glad to know that his ability to overreact have not changed at all because in a fucked up way, he loved worrying over her. It gave him a chance to watch over her, make sure she was fully safe but it always seemed like fate was laughing on his sorry ass all the fucking time. Mocking him by making him the reason behind her every pain and tear.

He was a twisted bastard because where it was killing him, knowing she was in this state because of him- he was glad. A small, hidden part of him had started to surface- a small happiness that she was ready to save him even when she had looked at him with such empty eyes. The hope he always had for her forgiveness had grown, becoming a full blown teenager from a baby.

Yes, he was that much of an optimist.

The small movement from Sara stilled him, his senses coming back to present from his lalaland. In a gasp like voice, her name left his lips, "Sara."

She clutched her closed eyes tightly, probably from pain and his hand moved like lightning to hold her cold one- unconsciously comforting her.

Her closed eyes relaxed, her hand responding back. The small squeeze she gave to his had made him grin like mentally sick puppy. He tried not to squeeze back with all his might for he wanted to- God, how he wanted to. His heart was racing so fast that it was almost impossible for him not to start jumping up and down.

She tried to open her eyes, once, twice, thrice. A small sound of frustration escaped her dried lips and his grin widen.

"Its okay baby, take your time. I am right here." His words paused her and her head moved towards his voice.

"Dean..." She whispered and Jesus he died.

"I'm right here baby." He said, kissing her hand. She tried to open her eyes again, almost in a hurry. This time they opened and she was staring right at him. Her empty eyes were no longer empty; they were so full of emotions that he was afraid he might come undone.

"You are okay?" She asked, worry and fear dripping from her whisper like an overflow bucket and he of course was on the ninth cloud.

She was worried for me.

"I'm fine. You saved me...." As the words left him, realization hit him. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he so fucking happy when he should be shouting his throat out at this stupid brat who almost left him!

"No, wait. Why the fuck did you do something like this? Are you crazy?" He demanded.

Sara on the other hand was looking at him like he was weirdo who escaped from an asylum, which he could understand if he wasn't trying his best to not get distracted.

"What were you thinking? Did you know you could have died? So easily, you could have left me. God and I are not on good terms O'Brian; He would have made me beg to follow you."

He wanted to say more but her eyes were making his tongue refuse to say anymore. He had hard time believing that her eyes were not blank; for her eyes had looked at him like he was nothing, like the image of him was hurting her. Looking closely, she had a small smile on her lips. His breathe got stuck in his throat. The room was a little too silent but it wasn't like before. He was drowning once again but he didn't mind.

"You were crying." She finally spoke, maybe being uncomfortable with his gaze.

He leaned closer to her, almost unconsciously. Took a deep breath and found her no longer smelling like blood- but she was back to smelling like Sara O'Brian. He knew she was alright now but still the invisible weight lifted from his shoulders.

"I do that a lot, crying thingy." He replied, brushing his lips across her fingers, his own heart drumming from his actions.

"I know. You cried the day you were leaving me. You cried the day when you came to watch dad's funeral. You do this crying thingy, a lot." She whispered and he had stilled. He didn't know how she knew but she did. He wasn't ashamed, just surprised.

"Yeah." He didn't know what to say. Her eyes looked like they weren't expecting an answer either ways.

"You really love me."

"Yes." He answered without missing a beat but a part of him felt as she was not asking him, she was stating it. He was confused, his head and heart was turning into a mess. What was she getting at, because this was a strange conversation to have given the time and place.

"If I tell you that I can never love you then what?"

"I will love you, still. I can't stop breathing O'Brian."

"I am not asking you to not breathe."

"Not loving you, it is like not breathing."

He heard the small breath that left her lips. Her breathing was hitched, he could tell. He didn't care how he sounded; all he knew was that he needed to be honest. He had tried lying, leaving and God knows what not and it still made him come back to her. He would beg, plead or even cry if he has to- but he wanted her. How badly? He was unaware of that himself at the moment. He could never bother to question why because he didn't need to. He was okay, more than okay with being in love with her.

"You left."

"I know."

"You can leave again."

"No, I will never make that mistake again."

"Even for keeping me safe?"

"Not even for the whole world, baby. Never again."

He watched as she closed her eyes tightly, a single tear escaping from her left one. He softly swept it away from his finger.

She opened her eyes slowly; he didn't remove his from her glassy ones.

"I am in love with you, Dean."