FP1 wasn't the best for Fabio. I didn't go into the pitbox, and watched everything on the TV in the motorhome. He fell down and on the TV they were talking about how he got hit in the balls. Within five minutes he stepped in the motorhome again. Well more like stumbled.
I asked if he was okay, but he told me it wasn't the crash. He wanted to get back up quickly and that didn't go as planned. I laughed at him.
FP2 was a lot better. He ended it on top. He was happy, but felt like they could do a little bit better. It was great to see it from the pitbox. How everyone moved and talked. Fabio simply has to say one word and they exactly know what to do.
He went to Matteo afterwards for a check up and to relax some muscles. Right after dinner Fabio wanted to go lay down and asked me to join him.
We are in bed for the past two hours talking. We talk about my past, about Alex. I more and more feel like I was blinded by love, too blinded to see red flags. Fabio thinks I'm too hard on myself.
Maybe I am. But I feel like it's not just about what happened anymore, but also about what can happen in the future. And if I was blinded by love, I maybe should be more observing in future relationships.
I don't know, I just need to tell myself these kind of things to have a little faith again.
"Oh, hey, almost forgot.. Matteo asked if you wanted to help him out tomorrow morning. They have rush hour before qualifying and he hoped you'd want help out", Fabio turns on his side to look at me, while telling me this.
I close my eyes, taking a few deep breaths.
"Yeah, I'll try", I say opening my eyes again.
"Really?", Fabio smiles big, when I nod. "That's great because I actually already told him you'd do it"
"Yeah? Why?"
"Because I think you'll do great. And it takes your mind off of things. Plus it's a good tryout for when you actually start working here"
He looks at me with those light brown eyes. Eyes you can't say no to. At least I can't. Not when he's laying here on his side, head resting on a pillow, looking tired but still observing at me. His lips forming a small smile, one end a little higher than the other. He looks so good like this. How did I end up here. Here in his bedroom, in his bed. Every girl would go crazy in this situation.
My heart starts pounding, my cheeks heat up. The tension between the two of us changes.
I don't really know what's happening, but I can't stop looking at Fabio, at his lips..
He comes closer slowly. His hand reaching out to push a few strands of hair out of my face and behind my ear. His hand lingers on the side of my neck.
It doesn't feel uncomfortable, it's the other way around. I feel tingles all around his hand.
His eyes flicker from my eyes to my lips. Just like mine does. I lick my dry lips and as on cue, Fabio lightly puts his lips on mine.
It's a featherlight kiss. It starts as a peck. After a few seconds I move one of my hands to his hair. Fabio in return pulls me a little closer, moving his lips. It's such a soft kiss, it's over before I know it.
Fabio leans his forehead against mine, "Is this okay?". He asks permission, how sweet. No other guy ever asked me something like that.
Putting a hand on his neck and another on his cheek, I kiss him again.
A bit harder this time and I feel my whole body tingle. Fabio puts his hands in my hair and swipes his tongue on my bottom lip. Without hesitating, I open my mouth. His tongue dancing with mine.
One of his hands slides down to my lower back, holding me there. The skin underneath glows at his touch.
After a little while Fabio breaks the kiss, breathing heavily. I open my eyes slowly, seeing him smiling at me.
"I guess it was okay", he says, as reply on his own question earlier.
Remembering, I say "yeah, that was more then okay". A smile breaks out on my own face and I can't stop it.
We stay like this for a few moments, just laying and looking at each other.
"Is this a smart thing to do, though?", I ask insecure, my voice small. "Maybe this is a mistake".
Shit.. maybe it is. We barely know each other, we are barely friends and now this. I swore to myself, no more boyfriends, no more relationships. Just focusing on myself.
Fabio let's go of me and sits up against the headboard. "Do you think it is a mistake?", he intently looks at me. His smile is gone and his eyes are serious.
"I don't know.. maybe..", I stumble over my words. Over my thoughts. I liked it but what if.. it's all about the what if's.
Fabio looks away for a minute, before looking at me again.
"Okay, I'm sorry about this. Let's forget it happened", he turns on his back, "I'm gonna sleep, maybe you should sleep in Tom's room.. you need to be at clinica mobile at 8"
I nod, getting out of bed and walking out of the room. I close the door softly before letting any tears fall down.
I'm so stupid.
I've screwed everything up. How could I let this happen? The way he looked, I felt tingles everywhere. I can't fall in love with him. That can't happen.
I liked the kiss or the kissing. But I can't just jump in another relationship. Fabio probably doesn't even want a relationship. He probably just wants a hook up and that's it.
Why do I mess everything up. If I wasn't so complicated, I could just hook up and go on. Like so many people do.
The tears keep falling down, I'm sniffing as silent as I can. I don't want Fabio to hear me. I don't want to be weak and I don't want him to laugh at me. I need to be strong, but I'm not.
After another half hour of crying, I sneak out of the motorhome. It's suffocating me. I walk down the steps and walk away a little. It's late, it's somewhere around midnight and it's dead silent around here. I still see some lights on in some motorhomes, but other than that there's nobody. It's peaceful but also creepy. I walk back to Fabio's motorhome and sit down in the stairs. That's where I stay during the night. Just staring, thinking, crying.
When it's around six, I sneak back inside. It's quiet inside, no sign of Fabio yet.
I freshen up and change my clothes. I try to mask my red eyes with some concealer, mascara and eyeliner. After that I'm back outside and when it's almost 7, I walk to the clinica mobile.
Matteo and I arrive at the same time. "Good morning, you're here already!", He speaks surprised.
"Yeah, good morning! I'm excited about today", I'm not really exited, more anxious. But I'm sure it can be fun.
"Great. I'll show you your room. And we'll talk things through", he opens the centre and let's me in. "I've made a schedule for you, for today. Some come in for some taping and checkups. Those are fifteen minutes. Some come for treatment, which is an half hour"
I nod, following him to my room for the day. He gives me a paper schedule and sits down.
"I've put Quartararo, Bagnaia and Bastianini on your schedule. They come in two times today. Before qualifying for a checkup and after for treatment. Other are mostly Moto2 and Moto3 riders", he tells me. I don't like the idea of seeing Fabio twice today. Especially if I have to treat him, which means being alone with him. And him probably without a shirt. But can't tell Matteo that.
"Okay, sounds good. Do the riders know?"
"No. But that's not a problem. You have an appointment with Dr Zasa as well. It's this morning and it's regarding my proposition. He will discuss some things with you"
Matteo stands and walks to the door, "if you have any questions, I'm in the next room. And we always consult each other if necessary. So if you need an echo let me know. If I need your expertise, I'll come and find you"
"Thank you Matteo, for this opportunity. It's a dream come true", I tell him. I'm mostly anxious and nervous, but a little exiting as well.
"We're happy to have you"