Tom and I walked around a little before heading back to the motorhome. Apparently Fabio told him about our kiss. I don't know what to think of that..
Tom on the other hand is completely fine by it. But he's worried I'm gonna leave without telling him, like I almost did. He tells me, he wants to keep me close with him so he can make sure I'm fine.
I tell him about last night. How I walked around and sat on the stairs for the entire night. How I can't handle another heartbreak or more pain.
But also about today. About treating the riders. About how I handled it, although I was anxious with some of them.
Tom's a good listener and a great friend. He doesn't say much, but I know he listens and remembers every thing I tell him.
"Why didn't you treat Fabio today? You know, you are the one he trusts", Tom asks, I knew he was confused about that.
"Because of last night. Because he made me feel so special and he was so careful and sweet. And after I questioned it, he was distant. It was like he got what he wanted and I didn't matter. And maybe that is my fault, but I felt so stupid. And this morning he was talking about how I was his responsibility and how it was his motorhome. And I'm not a responsibility, nor a burden. So I told him, I would be gone after I was done in the clinica mobile. I was planning on packing right now, so I could take the train in an hour", I explain as short as possible.
"I knew you would run..", Tom comments on that small last part of my story. It stings how he says 'run'. Maybe it is running, but I don't feel like I'm someone who immediately runs away when things get difficult. I wanted to leave because I'm not somebody's responsibility. I can take care of myself. But I keep my mouth shut. I know he means well.
"Why didn't you? I mean you are still here"
"It's something Pecco said today. But that doesn't mean I'm not going anywhere tonight", we walk back to the motorhome. "We'll see what happens later"
"Please just stay. I'm sure it will all work out", Tom opens the door and we walk in.
I lay down on the couch closing my eyes. I'm so tired.
"Do you want anything to eat?", Tom asks me. I haven't eaten, but I'm not hungry.. I'm getting nauseous, just thinking about eating.
"Not hungry", I keep my eyes closed, trying to relax. But I'm tense, my whole body is tense, every muscle.
Within a few minutes I hear the door open and close again.
"Hey, she asleep?", I hear Fabio's voice softly and I feel a reaction inside my body. How can I fall for him this fast.
"No, I'm not", I answer, but keep my eyes closed. I can feel his eyes burning, but I don't want to see it yet. Somehow I want to delay our talk. Maybe I'm on a train in a few hours and I don't really want to think about that.
I try to block everything out, thinking about my day. About all the nice riders. How I talked all different languages. It was mostly Italian though. But I spoke Dutch with Bendsneyder and Spanish with Masia. That was nice.
I saw Canet that afternoon as well. It was very uncomfortable. He kept flirting with me and even touched me a little. I wanted to run away from him, but I didn't. He doesn't know what happened to me. But I'm glad he was the only one like that.
"Julie?", I hear Fabio's voice again. I open my eyes and sit up slowly. Tom ruffles my hair, winks ones and walks out. Fabio is still standing near the door, a few meters away from me. Our eyes lock. The look in his eyes is serious, but I see something else as well. I don't know what it is, but I can't look away.
"What happened yesterday?", Fabio starts, breaking eye contact and sitting down.
What happened yesterday? It's a good question. I don't actually know. I think there is only one thing to do here. Being honest.
"I think we need to be honest with each other. And if we think differently about things, I think it's best if I go. I can take a train tonight", I sigh before continuing. "I don't know what happened last night. I'm afraid I guess"
"I don't want you to leave tonight", Fabio looks down, "I shouldn't have done that last night"
"You know, I don't want to forget what happened. At the moment it felt like the right thing. I felt good. Then my mind started and I can't shut it off", I don't know if I make sense. I can't really form a normal sentence.
"What do you feel?"
"I think I don't want to feel anything? But apparently I still have feelings. Feelings for you", my voice is soft, just above a whisper.
Fabio looks up, surprise in his eyes.
"Feelings for me?", He questions.
"Yeah. But..", I stop talking, I don't even know what I want to say. "What about you?"
"I don't really know what to tell you. I mean I didn't kiss you to lead you on, or anything. And the sleeping in the same bed, the hugging and everything aren't things I normally do, or want to do"
"But you don't have feelings?", There's an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I don't know if I want to hear this. I feel like I need to walk away from all of this, not listening anymore. Because if I don't listen, I can't get hurt.
"I don't know? I mean if I didn't have feelings, I wouldn't do those things?", Fabio questions himself, "but.."
I knew there was a but coming. I knew there was something. "I'm not looking for a relationship or something"
There's the punch in the face. I know he isn't doing it on purpose, but maybe that's why it's even tougher.
I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, I don't think I need to start a relationship. But this still hurts.
I swallow hard, "Okay.. That's clear". Then I have to start packing my things. Starting over somewhere else. Maybe it's for the best.
"Is it? For me it's not that clear at all. I feel like it all doesn't make sense"
"Fabio.. It's fine. You don't have feelings and you don't want a relationship. It's that simple", I say with a lump in my throat. I don't know why I feel like this. It's only a few weeks after Alex and here I am talking about feelings and relationships. I stand from my spot on the couch, I need to start packing.
"What're you doing?", Fabio's eyes are turning big, like he's scared for what I'm going to do.
"I'm gonna get my things. I think I can still take a train somewhere"
"You can't" Fabio stands as well, "you can't leave tonight, not alone. And what about Tom?"
Of course I don't want to leave without saying goodbye to Tom. He's still like a brother to me. And the idea of going to an unknown city all alone at night is terrifying. But I can't stay.
"You are not leaving alone at night", Fabio tells me. "And I don't think we're done talking"
"What is there left to say?", I ask. Does he really want to make this more painful..
"Can I ask, what you are feeling?"
"Fabio I'm not gonna stroke your ego. You know what a crush feels like, so something like that", I walk to the front door, "I need some air", I tell him before stepping out.
A smoke would really help right now, but I don't have any. I sit down like yesterday, just sitting here.
After a little while, the door opens and Fabio steps out. He sits down next to me.
"I don't think I ever had a crush", he tells me softly. His eyes look straight ahead and his hair is a mess. Like he keeps going through it with his hands.
"I've never had a girlfriend. I've shared kisses and more.. but that was lust I guess".
"Oh.. I get shy when you look at me. And when we touch, I feel tingles everywhere, bolts of electricity when you take my hand. Things like that"
"I have those tingles as well. And I have the urge to touch you, to be close", I turn my head to look at him, he still stares off in space.
His hair is sticking out in everyway possible. I get an urge to put my hands in it.
Fabio turns his head to look at me as well. It's like time stands still. I slowly lift my hand and run it through his hair.
His hands goes to the side of my neck. My heart starts beating faster and faster. We both know what will happen, it's getting hotter, his look is intense.
Eventually his lips touch mine. My eyes close and his tongue slips in my mouth. It's gentle and sweet, but breathtaking in a good way.
My fingers grip his hair, pulling Fabio closer. He groans lowly.
He tastes like peppermint. The kiss is amazing, but short. Fabio breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against mine.
"I don't want this to stop", he whispers, catching his breath. I don't answer, I'm trying to catch my breath as well. My heart is still pounding loudly in my chest, he must be able to hear it. As if he's reading my mind, he takes my hand and lays it against his chest. Allowing me to feel his fast heartbeat.
"I feel like I'm riding my bike. It's exciting, fun and everything I want to do, but it's also a little scary", he whispers.
I'm getting overwhelmed. Today was such a weird day, so many feelings and emotions. A tear glides down my face.
"Maybe we should get back inside", I say, pulling back and looking down.
Fabio nods, standing up and holding his hand out for me. We walk back inside and I head for Tom's bedroom. I need to lay down, my head is starting to pound.
"You want to lay down in my bed? Or do you want to be alone?", Fabio asks before I walk into the room.
"Give me ten minutes and I'll join you", I tell him. I change my clothes and clean my face before sitting down for a few minutes. The tears fall down again. But I'm not that sad actually. I'm confused.
I dry my eyes before going to Fabio's room. He's sitting on the bed, head in his hands.
"Are you okay?", I lay down next to him.
"Yeah, I'm a bit confused. It all doesn't make sense"
"I feel the exact same, but I need to know one thing", I say looking at him.
He looks up expectantly.
"You tell me, you don't want this to stop. You don't want me to leave. But you aren't looking for a relationship or anything. So what do you want?", I'm so confused by this. I need to know what he wants, so I know what I need to do. After the kiss just now, I don't want to leave anymore. I want more of him, more of this. But it's on him.
"I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm focusing on the championship and it wouldn't be fair to the girl. I wouldn't have enough time"
"I understand"
"So.. what now?", He let's himself fall back on the bed.
"Now nothing", I tell him. Now I think it's best to have some time apart. I keep thinking about what Pecco told me. Fabio doesn't think the same as Pecco, that's for sure.
I'm disappointed. But at the same time, I don't think a relationship would be good for me right now.
"Hm.. okay. Do you want to sleep in here?", He asks.
"If you want me to sleep in here, I will. That's up to you"
"I want you to sleep here with me", he looks at me, "maybe we can just enjoy our time tonight and figure things out tomorrow?"
I nod. I don't know if it's the best thing to do, or if it's smart, but I can't really say no.
We both get in bed, Fabio pulls me on his chest and that's how he falls asleep.