It's been a week since that night. A week of crying, feeling disgusting and being scared. Scared he might come back. I mean he practically lived in my apartment. And he has a key.
Tom has been my lifesaver. He stayed with me all this time. He slept in the guestroom, made sure the locks are changed and got rid of the couch. That awful thing where it all happened.
Tom is a very good friend. We know each other for a long time, although we don't see each other much. He's traveling the world for his work, with his girlfriend Mathilde. So we only really see one another when he's back home.
I'm so lucky this happened during his two weeks off, although we hadn't planned to meet up. And I'm grateful he stayed this whole week.
I haven't been working this past week, I haven't even been out of the apartment. Haven't talked to my coworkers, my parents or any friends. Not that I have lots of friends. Most were common friends from Alex. It's going to be hard when Tom leaves in a few days.
"Hey!", Tom walks through the door carrying groceries. "Mathilde told me to say hi. How're you?"
"The same since you left an hour ago", I smile weakly. "I hope Mathilde doesn't hate me for keeping you this whole week.."
I haven't met Mathilde a bunch of times, but I know she is the sweetest girl. So that makes me feel extra guilty.
"Of course not. She knows, she won't tell a soul. But she's very okay with me being here. She ordered me to go right back, when I saw her just now", Tom softly smiles. He really loves her.
"So you know, I need to leave in a few days", Tom starts with a sigh. He sits down on a kitchen chair in front of me. "How will you manage? I'm worried"
"I will be fine. Don't worry. I'm very grateful for everything you've done, really. But don't worry about me, I'll manage", I tell him, trying to sound convincing. I don't know how I'll manage. I dread going out of the apartment, let alone go back to work. But I can't keep depending on Tom. He has his own life.
Tom doesn't look convinced. His eyebrows furrowed. "I can ask Fabio to stay home this week. I'm sure he's okay with it. Certainly if I tell him what happened", he suggests.
Fabio is Tom's best friend. They know each other for a long time. Fabio is a MotoGP rider and Tom is his personal assistant, they spend a lot of time together and know everything about one another. He manages all the things for Fabio. It's their combined dream.
"No, please don't.. I don't want everyone to know. Plus, it's your job, your dream, we are talking about. You are not putting that on hold for me. I'm going back to work next week and it'll all be okay". Tom doesn't know I quit my job. I called in sick, but they told me I needed to be there the next day or there would be consequences. I got so angry, I just told them I'd never come back.
I'll find different work when I'm ready. I'm a physical therapist and I just can't really see myself touching people right now. I can't even hug Tom and I trust him with my life.
"Okay.. I'm just worried about you", Tom sighs again.
It stays quiet for a few moments, when Tom's phone starts ringing.
"It's Fabio", Tom tells me before answering.
"Hey... Yeah... Yeah... Okay, I'll be there", Tom ends the call. "I need to be at a meeting with Fabio. I'll be back tonight, okay?"
He stands at the end of the table a few seconds, before turning around. Normally we hug, but I'm not comfortable. This all must be so weird for him.
The rest of the day is nothing special. I'm usually working and when I'm not, I'm busy with studying or I go walking. But now.. I can't seem to get up from my spot on the new couch.
Tom came back that evening like he promised. He stayed the night and we talked a bit. Eventually he agreed, he's going to the next race weekend. That means he's leaving tonight.
So today he's busy packing and helping Fabio.
I actually never met Fabio, although I spent a lot of time with Tom. I've been to the LeMans race with Tom ones. Even been inside the pitbox when Fabio was racing the Moto2 championship. We just never met. Now he's the world champion. Tom is talking about it nonstop, he's so proud.
"Hey. I came to take you to lunch!", Tom tells me when he steps in my apartment. He probably knows I will be thinking way too much. I'm really lucky having him, he's like the brother I never had.
"Really? Aren't you busy? You're leaving tonight"
"No, come on. Get changed, we are having lunch before I go. I don't accept a no", I look down at my sweatpants and hoodie. Yeah, I really need to change.
"Okay, give me 5 minutes", I say walking backwards to my bedroom. In my bedroom I quickly change in some dark blue jeans and a red top. I take my hair out of my messy bun and put it in a high ponytail. My curls are all over the place, but I look kind of okay.
"Okay, ready", I tell Tom, walking back to the living room. We head out and go to his car.
Tom takes me to one of my favourite cafés. The owner, Jack, is the nicest man possible. It's nice but uncomfortable. Jack asks about work and Alex, two topics I'd rather avoid.
I feel like my senses are on high alert. Like every fiber in my body is on fire. But at the same time I feel numb. Like I'm not really there.
"Julie? You've met Fabio before right? Do you mind if he joins?", I hear Tom's voice somewhere far away. "Julie?", A hand on my arm brings me back to the two men in front of me.
"Oh. What? I'm sorry, I was distracted", I try to make an excuse. Tom gives me an apologetic smile.
"Hi Julie, I'm Fabio. I don't think we actually ever met. Do you mind if I join you guys?", Fabio introduces himself to me. I hadn't even seen him yet.
He's standing next to our table, looking at me.
"Oh, hi, I'm Julie", I introduce myself, standing to shake his hand. He has other plans and tugs me into an awkward hug. It's only for a few seconds. Every time Tom touches me, I flinch and stiffen at his touch. Feeling very uncomfortable. The same happened when Jack touched me earlier. But with Fabio, it feels normal. It's a little awkward, but normal awkward.
"You okay?", Tom asks me quietly while Fabio orders his drink. I nod, giving him a smile. My first real smile.
"So, Julie, are you feeling better? Tom told me you weren't feeling well", Fabio asks looking curious at me. His eyes burning holes.
"Yeah, I'm getting better. This is doing wonders", and I mean every word. This, getting out of the house, talking to him is doing wonders.
"That's great to hear", he tells me, before asking Tom details about the race weekend. I don't really listen anymore. I just observe. The way they speak to eachother, like they are brothers. How Fabio's eyes twinkle when he laughs. His relaxed figure.
Eventually I break my silence. "So Portugal's next, right?"
"Yeah, you watch?", Fabio answers immediately.
"Yeah. Ever since I was little"
"I took her to see the 2018 LeMans race. She was in your pitbox", Tom tells him.
"Really? I didn't know. Not my best race or year..", Fabio looks at me for a few seconds, before suggesting, "you should come with us".
"Oh no, I can't"
"Of course you can. It will be fun"
"She has work, man"
"Uh.. yeah", I say looking down. Both Tom and Fabio look at me with curious, confused faces.
"Julie? What's wrong?", Tom asks.
"I.. um.. I don't have work?" I ask, instead of tell them. I feel so embarrassed. They both have their entire lives worked out. And here I am, jobless, single and raped. And technical still a virgin. How many twenty-two year olds can say that about themselves?
"You don't? What do you mean?", I keep looking at the table like it's the most interesting thing I've seen in forever.
"I quit", my cheeks turning even more red. "Can we please stop talking about it?"
Both quickly nod and continue like nothing happened.
After a few more minutes, I excuse myself, say goodbye and head home. It's a 15 minute walk to my apartment, but it's a good distraction. I feel sad and I'm disappointed in myself. How can my life look like this? I'm twenty-two and haven't achieved anything.