Would she be asleep?", I hear Fabio's voice. I'm still wide awake.
"Yeah. It's been two hours since she went inside your room. She's fast asleep", Tom answers quietly.
Wrong Thomas. I haven't slept. I just kept thinking. Thinking how I didn't listen to Margaux advice. Wondering how it is a bad thing, or maybe it's a good thing. Do I need to change? Do I want to change?
I've also thought about what will happen if Fabio wants more than some hugging and kissing. Would I say no?
I can't really answer that question. Does that mean I maybe want it as well? I know I'm not ready. Or would I go through with it because he wants it?
Can I even be a real girlfriend to him? Or wil I just agree with whatever he wants?
I feel like I'm making him a bad guy, but I'm not. He wouldn't pressure me into anything. I just don't know if I am the right girl for him. And if I won't pressure myself into anything.
I hear the door open behind me and I close my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I'm not in the mood for anything right now.
I hear Fabio walking around the bed and feel his eyes on me.
I feel a kiss on my head, "Julie, wake up", he shakes me careful. I slowly open my eyes, blinking a few times.
"You need to change out of your jeans and hoodie", he tells me. He takes a shirt and shorts from his suitcase. I get up and change into them.
"Thanks", I quietly thank him, before laying back down.
Fabio takes his shirt off and gets in bed in just shorts.
"Maybe we should talk about that job offer", he tells me, he shifts on his side to look at me. I'm on my back.
"I already spoke to Pecco, so there's nothing to talk about", I keep my voice even and emotionless.
"What about the things you said about being proud they asked you, that it's a huge complement and you could use the money?", He presses.
"I can stay at my parents as long as needed so I'll manage without the money. It's okay. Let's just go to sleep, okay?", I look at him and smile. It's not a real smile, but I don't think he'll notice.
I'm not mad at Fabio. I'm mad at myself for not putting myself on the first place. For doing what everyone else wants me to do. But I can't tell Fabio this. He won't understand my struggles. Only Margaux will. She knows what I've been through.
Fabio takes my head in his hands and presses his lips on mine. It starts slow, but gets more and more passionate. Fabio pulls me against and on top of him. My hands stay on his cheeks and jaw. His hands go over my back, grab my ass, go back up to my hair. I feel him getting excited against my inner leg. When we break the kiss, I keep my eyes closed. Fabio's hands are on my ass, inside the shorts. It feels intimate but uncomfortable. My head is on his shoulder.
"I.. ehm. What do you want me to do? What do you need?", I keep my eyes closed and my head on his shoulder. I feel embarrassed and shy. I want him to feel good, I want to do what he wants.
I don't want to hold him back.
"Hey", Fabio gets his hands out of my shorts and gently lays me back beside him. "I don't need anything"
"No, it's okay, I can handle it", I look him in the eyes unsure. His eyes are soft and they hold something inside them, something like pity?
"I'm completely fine like this. I don't need you to do anything. Please know, I don't want to do things you don't want to do", he places a hand on my cheek and I involuntary flinch. "Look at how tense and scared you are"
"I.. I'm sorry", I get out of bed and walk away. "Please stay", Fabio says behind me.
"I'm really sorry", I say again before closing his door.
I sit in the shower for over an hour. The water is cold now, but I don't really feel it. How do I keep screwing up? I am so stupid. I don't even know how to start a relationship, let alone keep one. I don't know how to act, how to feel, what to do. Maybe I should just stop trying. Stop feeling. I'm starting to think this all is a bad idea.
Maybe I shouldn't have quit my job, sold my apartment. Maybe I could've forgiven Alex. No.. I wouldn't be happy. 'but there's no difference now, you aren't happy now' a voice in my head tells me. I want to be happy. I want to make the people around me happy.
I get out of the shower and walk to the living room. Fabio is sitting there in the dark. He doesn't look at me, but knows I'm there.
"We need to talk. You need to talk", he starts with a sigh. "I don't know what's going on in your head. I know you're not happy. I know it has something to do with me and with that job offer"
I don't say anything. He's right, he's right about all of it.
"What happened in there was not okay. I don't want to pressure you into anything. But you need to tell me your limits, not cross them yourself", he continues. "I can go as slow as you need me to go. No touching, no sleeping in the same bed, no kissing, you tell me what you need and I will listen. But you need to tell me. Don't do things because you think I want them. I'm not interested at some lapdog that does what I want, when I want", he's frustrated, I can tell.
I sit on the couch now, my knees up and my head resting on them. I'm cold and I'm shaking, but I try to ignore it.
"You know, you asked me if I could be your girlfriend some day", I start my voice shaking. "I want to, I really want to. But I don't know if I can. How can I be a real girlfriend to you? I don't know what to do, how to act, how to feel. I've done the whole relationship thing once and that wasn't a succes. So why would this be a success?"
I want to tell him everything, but at the same time I don't. I told him everything about that job offer and that ended badly. It put things in perspective for me.
I decide to voice this thought, "I want to tell you things. But if I do, I don't listen to my own feelings, but do what you would want me to do. I do what I think that you'd want me to do"
"Why?", Fabio stands up and pulls a blanket from behind the chair. He carefully lays it on my shoulders. I'm still shaking, it's not only the cold, I guess.
"I don't know. I guess your happiness is more important. But I do it for everyone. I feel the need to make others happy. If my parents need some space, I'll stay in my room the rest of the day. If you want me in the pitbox, I will be there. If Tom needs his own bed, I'll stay somewhere else. If Matteo needs me to see an extra rider, although I don't feel comfortable around that rider, I'll see him. If Pecco needs my advice, I give it. The only problem is that you are more important to me than Pecco will ever be. So if you don't want me to do it, I won't", I give him some examples of the last few days.
"But do you want to do or don't do any of those things?", I look up in his eyes for the first time in this conversation. I see tired, concerned eyes looking at me.
"I didn't want to be treating a cocky, flirty Moto3 rider, who can't keep his hands to himself. But other than that I'm fine with it"
"Being fine with something is not the same as choosing to do something", Fabio tells me. He comes sitting next to me, "What about the Pecco thing? Do you want to do that?"
"I didn't really think about it. If I didn't know you, I probably would do it. I don't know if I would do it, because really want to do it though"
"Okay, close your eyes", Fabio tells me. I do as told, leaning on my knees again. "Where do you want to go tomorrow? It can be any place. Where do you really want to be"
The one thing that keeps coming back up, is Fabio. I don't want to go to my parents. I don't want to go to Nice. I want to be at Fabio's home.
"I only have one place I really want to go, and that's your home", I open my eyes and look at him, smiling a little bit. "And I'm not saying that because you are here next to me"
"Then that's where we're going tomorrow"