Tom left yesterday evening and Fabio and I were alone again. We actually watched his race together. The footage I got and his description, was really helpful in making a good analysis and pointing things out. We discussed the things I saw and talked about improvements.
Fabio matches the bike completely. He saw that himself and he told me about next year. His doubts about switching. The conversations he had with Honda and Aprillia. But also with Yamaha. Questions about his family in the box. What would happen? He can't take them with him.
I know Fabio's life is turbulent and fast, going all over the world, going out with friends when he can. But I like those moments. The calmness, the talking, cuddling on the couch.
Maybe I'm a bit more boring than Fabio.
Today is a bit of a slow day as well. Fabio goes to Barcelona tomorrow for the F1 weekend and stays there till Monday. Wednesday he and Tom ride to Mugello. I think I'm going to my parents tomorrow. It's a bit difficult, I have an appointment in the hospital here Tuesday and a online clinica mobile meeting. I need to be in mugello on Friday. I work on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then I need to be in Andorra on Tuesday and in Barcelona on Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
It's a lot of traveling on my own.
I really need a place for myself. Maybe I can rent something here in Andorra for a week. That's better than going back and forth to Belgium.
"Hey Fabio?", I walk from the kitchen to the living room. Fabio is playing some video games.
"Hey Julie", he answers not looking up.
"Do you maybe know some affordable place here in Andorra I could rent for a week?", I lean against the wall, searching on my phone. "I can't really find something online"
Fabio pauses the game and looks questionable at me. "Rent? Why do you need to rent something here?"
"I have that appointment here on Tuesday, so I thought I need to rent a place here till I'm going to Mugello. But if that's not really an option, I'm going back to Belgium and cancel that appointment", I slowly sit down on the couch beside him, sighing. "How do you do that?"
"Do what?", He puts a hand on my knee rubbing it comforting.
"The travelling? I feel like everything is so inconvenient. It's so stressful just thinking about it. Let alone thinking about how I can afford it"
"I like the travelling, seeing new places, enjoying other peoples company. It's exciting", he squeezes my thigh. "But you can just stay here?"
"No, I can't. You're leaving tomorrow, silly", I tell him. "I'm just gonna cancel that appointment"
"You are not cancelling", the look in his eyes is serious and his tone is stern. "I'm leaving, but you can stay. I'll be back Monday night and then I'll be here till Wednesday"
"I'm not staying here without you for four days. I'm just going back to Belgium and I'll get an appointment there", I unlock my phone again, looking for the hospital website.
"You will be living here some day, might as well get used to it now", Fabio says, like it's the most normal thing. "What's the big problem?"
"I know I'm being difficult and I'm frustrating you. But I don't want to stay here alone without you. I'll figure something out"
Right at that moment my phone starts ringing in my hand. Fabio looks at me curious, "it's Pecco", I tell him before answering.
"Hello?"
"Ciao Julie, it's Pecco. Come stai?"
"Hi! I'm good, how are you?", Fabio gives me a pointed look. I know it's a small white lie, but I'm not gonna tell Pecco everything that happened on the phone.
"Bella! I'm good too. Where are you now?"
"Andorra. But I was just thinking of leaving tomorrow to go back to Belgium", Fabio is very interested in this phone call and I don't really know why.
"Andorra? I wonder with who", Pecco teases making me blush and stutter a little.
"Yeah yeah. W-why did you call?"
"We are going to Misano tomorrow to train for four days. We could still use your input", I would be so happy to do this. But I still don't think I can.
"Ah that's nice! But I don't think I can make that happen. I'm sorry", I tell him a little sad. If they need me for four straight days, that would also mean great money. Money to get my own place.
"Not a problem. Maybe next time"
"Yeah maybe. Good luck! See you next week. Ciao", I end the call.
Fabio still looks at me, waiting to fill him in on the phone call.
"What was that about?", He asks after a few minutes of silence.
"Not important", I stand up again, "I'm gonna go pack my things"
Upstairs in the guestroom I throw as much as possible in my bag. I came here with one small bag and leave with four. With all the new clothes and my shoes and bags, it's a lot.
My parents see me coming.. more stuff in their house.
I really need my own place soon.
"I think I'm gonna make a walk in closet from this room. What do you think?", Fabio appears in the doorway.
"Yeah, sure if you want to"
"Do you think I can fill 30% of it with my clothes?", He asks grinning. I thought I was bipolar, but this other happy subject is making my head spin.
"Probably. I don't know", I open my laptop, going to the flixbus website.
"Great, then you can fill the other part with your clothes", I look up at his words and he is still grinning.
"Yeah, someday, sure", I vaguely answer, looking back at the laptop. Andorra really has a bad flixbus connection. I see a flight, but it's very expensive.
"You know, you can just reject me right away. Maybe you can get Pecco to set you up with one of the academy riders. Or I'm sure Ricky is interested. Or basicly any other rider", Fabio walks away.
What is he saying? Is he really getting mad because I don't want to move in with him? Or is he jealous about the phone call with Pecco? Great job, Julie. You screwed up again.
I walk downstairs, ready to go out of this house. When I'm at the door I hear Fabio talking. "Yeah Clarisse, of course. I can leave tonight. I can't wait to see you as well, Ma Belle"
He really has girls waiting for him. I walk out of the door and look around. I know there's a gas station close by. Maybe I can get some cigarettes there.
I walk there, trying to clear my mind. I don't think the doctor would agree with my decisions. He said no stress, no smoking and no alcohol. That's going so well.
I get the cigarettes and get back out. Smoking a few on the way back.
After a few minutes of standing outside, I ring the doorbell.
"Where were you?", He asks, eying the pack of cigarettes and lighter in my hand.
"Getting some air. I'll get my things and get out of your hair. I understand you have somewhere to be tonight", I walk past him, going up the stairs.
"Where are you going?", He asks walking behind me.
"I don't know", I shrug. "I'll see"
"Why are you acting like this?"
"What do you mean? I'm not the one who wants to live together right away. And I'm also not the one who is jealous about me talking to another guy. Who has a beautiful girlfriend by the way. And I'm also not the one who was on the phone ten minutes ago flirting with another girl", I say a little angry.
"I'm not jealous"
"That's all you got from this? You know, I knew I would screw this up. So I'm not even angry at you, but more at myself. But please don't do this. Don't pretend you're not hurt, I don't want to live here. And that's okay. But if you leave tonight to go to that girl, than I'm going as well. And then we'll see each other on Friday at Mugello", I'm sitting down, fiddling with the necklace between my fingers.
Fabio sighs, "I just don't get how you can make such a big deal out of this. You need a place to stay. And somewhere around here would be convenient. I have space, so problem solved"
"You don't get it? You forgot what happened less than two months ago? How my whole life fell apart? How I don't have anything left? I'm not risking everything again"
Fabio is quiet, he's staring at me with intense eyes. He's captivating me and I can't speak anymore. The look in his eyes is soft but intense. It's full of passion and love?
"Maybe I'm selfish. I just want you close", he almost whispers. It's so sweet but his words scare me. It's scary to get close to someone again. To let your walls fall down. And the most scary part? He has everything and I already have nothing. So if it doesn't work out, I'm alone in the cold again. My work would be at risk, my friendship with Tom would be at risk.
"You need to get going", I say eventually.
"I'm not leaving right now", he sighs, "I know if I leave now, you are gone when I'm back"
"Probably", how did we go from having a great time last night, to this now? My feelings are all over the place.
"This is all my fault", I say thinking about this afternoon. We had a good day, until I started about finding a place to rent.
Fabio's silence is like a slap in the face. He's thinking the same thing.
Tears start to form in my eyes. I try to keep them from falling. I'm hurting him with my insecurities. I'm trying to protect myself but hurting him in the process. I don't want that. I can't hurt him. He's more important than I am.
"Okay, if you want me to stay, I'll stay. If you want me to go, I'll go", I don't look up. My eyes are on the floor, trying to keep my tears from falling.
"I want you to stay, but I have to leave. So I know you aren't staying. I guess I can't really do anything about that"
"You'll go, I stay"