The pen is still in my hand and the notebook on my lap when I wake up. I read what I wrote but it isn't much.
I don't really want to write a letter, I think we need to talk now. But I want to put some things on paper to help me when we talk.
The radiation was early that morning and I got everything ready afterwards. I wanted to leave, but they wouldn't let me leave on my own. So I needed to wait on Tom and Fabio. Luckily they were there before noon.
"Hey beauty", Tom walks in. Fabio stands close to the door. "Ready to go?", Tom asks.
I smile nodding. I slowly get up and out of the bed, while Tom takes my bag.
I take my car keys and the envelope from the table and take it with me. Fabio looks a little disappointed when he notices nothing around my neck or wrist.
"Tom, can you maybe drive my car home?", I ask, in a chance to be alone with Fabio. I'm very nervous, but better now than never.
Tom takes my keys and gives the bag to Fabio.
"I just need to tell the nurse I'm leaving", I walk out to the nurses station and see the one who was with me most of the days.
"They are here to pick me up", she looks at the door of my room and sees Fabio and Tom standing there. Tom is on his phone, while Fabio watches me like a hawk.
"He's very cute. And totally in love with you", she tells me, looking at Fabio. I told her about everything. She was so nice and didn't push any opinion. The only words she said was, 'you have to read it and talk to him'.
I smile a little at her words now. "Go rest and we'll see each other in a week and a half"
I thank her, before waving the boys over and walking to the exit.
Fabio is next to me in seconds. He doesn't touch me, but it's like he's trying to support me and make sure I don't collapse or anything.
"Are you riding with me or Tom?", Fabio asks quietly.
"Can I ride with you?", I ask, smiling up to him. He nods. I wrap my hand around his biceps, for some support, and because I really want to touch him. I see a little smile forming on his lips. Those kissable lips.
We walk to his car and he helps me inside. It's of course another sports car. While Tom goes to my small car.
"To your beautiful home", Fabio says. And I really like that. The fact that he says home instead of house. It really is my home.
"Thank you for the letter", I tell him. His face turns serious again.
"It wasn't good enough I guess", He more states than questions. He briefly looks at my neck. I fiddle with the envelope, still in my hands.
"I wasn't allowed to wear any jewellery during radiotherapy. But I think we also need to talk about some things first", I look down. "I think I only really have two questions", I've been thinking about this the whole morning.
"Okay"
"If we start a relationship, how are we gonna do it?", I softly ask him. I briefly look at him and his eyes are serious, he focuses on the road.
"Uhm.. I don't know how you think about it. But I think we need to be open about it. I think I want people to know", he tells me.
"Okay, but do you really want to tell people in interviews, post it on Instagram? Or let them figure it out, by holding hands, kiss in public, things like that?", I just want them to figure it out. I don't want to get too much media attention.
"Both is fine with me. Whatever you want. If you want I can just drop it in a interview, post a picture on my stories. But we can also just let them figure it out on their own. As long as I can kiss you, when I want to. And have you at the Parc Fermé if I'm on the podium", he takes my hand in his.
"Okay. And what about Clarisse?", my voice shaking a little. I still don't feel comfortable about her in his life.
"You don't need to worry about her", his voice getting a little harsher.
"I do. It's clear she wants to be your girlfriend. And she thinks she is"
"I talked to her. Made it clear she isn't my girlfriend, my lover or anything"
I nod slowly. I hope that's enough, but I still have a nagging feeling in my gut.
"Do I need to worry about Ricki, Bezzecchi or Matteo? Or someone else?", he dares to ask.
I shake my head. "But I think it's good that they know, you are my boyfriend. Luca told me Marco likes me and Riccardo keeps calling me beautiful or sexy, when I see him"
"And Matteo?"
I smile a little, "No. Please don't talk about this with anyone, but he is really confused. He has feelings for a rider. A guy", I know there's only one female rider, but still I feel like I need to add it. Fabio looks surprised at me, "so you don't have to worry"
He nods. Taking my hand again, squeezing it.
"You just said 'it's good that they know that you are my boyfriend'. So I am?", He smiles.
"Maybe you can help me with my new bracelet when I get home", I quietly answer.
The rest of the car ride is relaxing. Something I need now. Fabio doesn't turn on the radio and it's quiet in a good way. I know he loves his music, so I'm grateful he let's me relax.
We arrive at my home and it's as beautiful as I left it a few days ago. The house has a thatched roof and looks like a little farm house.
"The house really suites you", Fabio looks at my smiling face.
"Old but beautiful?", I would describe it like that.
"Well, now you mention it..", he teases me. He gets out and helps me out, handing me the keys.
"We hope you like it"
His words make me suspicious. They did way more than just a bed and couch. "Did you use you money?"
He holds his hands up in defence.
"Only a little"
I walk through the front door and it's like one of those home makeovers on TV. The walls are painted and it's furnished and decorated. It's beautiful.
"It's beautiful", I turn to see Fabio and Tom standing behind me. "I don't think I want to know how much it costs"
Fabio smiles, "I only payed the painting and one of the beds, the rest is on you and Tom".
They did an amazing job. As decoration they put a few pictures on the wall. Photos with Tom from years ago, an old one with my parents, and a few with riders in the paddock. With of course, the biggest one with Fabio.
"I wanted a big TV", Tom grins. "The rest is your own money"
That's a relief. But it looks expensive, I hope I still have a little money left. I'll check my account when they aren't looking.
"Do you want to see upstairs?", Fabio asks excited.
"Yeah, I actually want to rest a little as well"
Fabio comes to me and picks me up bridalstyle, like I weight nothing. He walks the stairs and sets me down when we are upstairs.
"You know I can walk right?", I'm a little surprised by his action and I see Tom laughing behind him.
"You need to rest", Fabio walks into the first room and it's beautiful too. It's has a huge bed and closets. The bathroom is just like it was and it's almost new. They renovated the bathroom six months ago, so it's perfect.
My bedroom has a big bed and closets as well. It's truly amazing.
"Is home makeovers your side job?", I smile looking at both of them.
Tom laughs, "I'm not lifting any more beds, so no"
"Oh come on, it wasn't that heavy", Fabio lightly shoves him.
"Yeah well, you were the one on top. I had to do most of the lifting", Tom sighs, "you just want to impress so she maybe wants to be your girlfriend"
"He doesn't need to impress anymore", I blush, sitting down on the bed. I'm really tired.
"Wait.. really?"
I nod, blushing like crazy. Tom grins big, slapping Fabio on the shoulder. "You took your time man. And remember, she is my sister"
Fabio turns his head to look at him, "and I am like a brother to you", he sounds almost surprised.
"Yeah, but she Ãs my sister", Tom emphasizes the word is.
"Okay, okay. I'm gonna rest for a while", I take my shoes off slowly. Everything is slowly these past few days.
Tom smiles before getting out and waking down. Fabio stays put, "can I do something?"
I shake my head. "No, I'll manage"
"Okay, if you need anything, just call. I'm downstairs"
"Maybe you or Tom can do some grocerie shopping? We don't have anything for tonight or tomorrow morning", I ask, laying down.
"We?"
"Oh, you're not staying? Where are you going?", I immediately feel disappointment.
"I'm having a photoshoot in Paris. Maybe Tom can stay", Shit.. I was hoping we could spent a few days together. "Or you could join"
"No. It's okay. I'll stay here and rest. I'll order my groceries online", I open my phone looking for the grocerie store app.
Fabio sits down next to me, "I'm sorry I can't stay".
I just smile. I know he's really busy and I can't ask him to change his schedule for me. I was just hoping he would.
"No. You don't have to apologise. I'll rest and we'll see each other at the Sachsenring", I need to show him I'm not some dependent girlfriend.
"You're not working right?", His brown furrow, like he's worried.
"Yeah, I am. I'll be fine by then. And after Sachsenring I only have two radiations. So that's not much", I want to be there. I want to work. I can't sit around doing nothing. Plus it's not like I'm riding a bike. I'm only watching and talking about it. I can do atleast that.
"Do they know?", Fabio asks. "About your cancer", he adds, almost in a whisper.
I shake my head. No one knows, except Fabio and Tom.
"When do you have to leave?", I change the subject. I close my eyes briefly, they're getting heavy.
"In a couple of hours.. go and rest. I'll wake you before I leave", he softly kisses my forehead before walking out. I fall in a restless sleep.