When I wake up it's a little dark outside. And it's quiet in the house. I don't hear a TV or talking or anything. Searching for my phone I find a piece of paper next to me.
I didn't want to wake you. I'm heading to Paris. Tom is staying for a few days. xFabio
He's already gone.. I find my phone on the bedside table and see it's already 6 in the morning. Wow, I slept for the whole afternoon and night.
I slowly get up and feel pretty good. I dress myself and go downstairs.
I shuffle around a bit, looking at all the things, where they put my stuff and everything. I don't have much stuff here. I still have most at my parents and some at Fabio's.
The kitchen has a few plates, glasses and stuff, but no food. So I order everything online. They'll be there in a few hours, which is amazing.
Around 9 I hear someone walking upstairs, Tom is awake.
He walks downstairs in shorts and a shirt, his hair a mess.
"Good morning!", I say, he looks a little surprised to see me.
"Hey! You're already awake? That's early"
"Well.. early. I slept the whole afternoon and night"
"How did you sleep? How're you feeling?", He sits down next to me on the couch.
"I'm actually quite okay. I feel better than I did. So yeah", I have a bit of a nagging feeling. I have a kind of need to know where Fabio is, what he's doing, with who.
I trust him, but still can't help but think about the things Clarisse said. And she's probably with him right now. I know she arranges these kind of things. So she probably set this up for him as well. But at the same time, he talked to her. So it must be okay.
That day is a slow day. Tom told me Fabio will be in Paris for a few more days. He's with François and Clarisse. François is her brother. She arranged the photoshoot and some dinner and things after. I've send Fabio a good luck message, but no reply. I try not to think about it too much. I should focus on myself.
I've told Tom to go home. He badly wanted to see the twins and he missed Mathilde too. He didn't want to leave but eventually got a plane ticket to Nice. He left that night and I was alone in my new home for the first time.
Sunday was Netflix and chill and I enjoyed the peace and quiet.
I need to call Margaux, she desperately needs to get away from Brussels. But I enjoy the peace and quiet I have. And what if Fabio comes back here for a few days. I want to have the alone time we need.
It's Tuesday now and I'm pretty bored. Yesterday I reviewed the races and this morning we had a clinica mobile meeting. So now I don't have much I need to do.
I can go walking around the block. Getting to know the neighbourhood.
Just when I'm fifteen minutes away, my phone starts ringing. I have my earphones in so I answer with them.
"Yes?", I question. I'm a little out of breath from the walking, so I sit down on a bench nearby.
"Julie? Where are you?", I hear Fabio's concerned voice.
"Hey! I'm outside. Why?", I'm glad he's calling. We texted a few times these past days, but that's it. I missed him.
"Don't scare me like that again. I'm standing in front of your home", he breathes out.
"Wait.. you are her? In the Netherlands?", I stand up again and walk back faster. Fabio is here? I didn't expect that. I thought I wouldn't see him before Sachsenring.
"Yes, Ma Chérie. I'm here. Where are you?", He coughs a little.
"I'm there in ten minutes", I say before ending the call and walking back as fast as I can. I'm completely out of breath, but I don't care. Fabio came to see me at my home!
"Fabio", I breathe when I see him. I walk up to him and jump in his arms. He catches me and holds me close.
"Happy?", Fabio chuckles a little. I nod, "very"
We stay like this for a while, outside next to the front door. I catch my breath before unhooking my legs and standing by myself again.
"Are you okay? You aren't doing too much right?", Fabio looks concerned, I open the door and we get in. When I'm about to answer, he starts coughing loudly.
"I think I can ask you the same", I say, walking to the kitchen to make some tea.
"But to answer your question, I'm okay. I walked around for a bit and it was going okay. Until I got a call and wanted to get home as fast as possible", I grin. I pour in two glasses of tea and give Fabio one. He looks a little questionable at me, "it's good for your throat"
"I didn't say I had a sore throat?", He follows me to the couch.
"You're coughing. So drink up", I try to sternly tell him, but fail laughing. "but you're not feeling well?"
"I just have a cough and am sleepy but other than that I'm okay", he slowly sips his tea. I don't think it's something he drinks often.
"How was your photoshoot?", I ask careful. I'm very happy he's here, but I can't help but think about what happened in Paris. He was with Clarisse after all. I don't think I can handle it, if anything happened.
"Julie?", Fabio asks. I must've zoned out.
"Yes?"
"Did you hear what I said?", oh.. shit.. I really zoned out. I shake my head.
"I said it was fine. Nothing happened. I made sure I wasn't alone with her and I couldn't stop thinking about my beautiful girlfriend", he pulls me against him on the couch, kissing my cheek.
"Really?", did he really just say that? I blush at his words.
"Yes, really, Ma Chérie. I missed you"
I turn my head to look him in the eyes, when he leans in and presses his lips on mine. It's a slow, deep kiss. My hand goes through his hair, I love his hair. When he hasn't put any gel in it, it's so soft, I have to pull my fingers through it.
He has his hands on my waist, slowly going up and down. It's a beautiful kiss and I don't want it to end.
"I missed you too", I mumble against his lips. I cuddle up to Fabio. "I know you like to have a busy life, but I love moments like this"
It's quiet for a while, before Fabio speaks up again. "I'm used to a busy life. I think it's because I don't really like being alone..", it sounds like he wants to say more, so I stay quiet.
"I love the things I do. Like that photoshoot, I really like doing things like that. Maybe that's weird", he sighs. "It sometimes feels like a pressure to do all the things, but I don't want to sit at home doing nothing", he rests his head on top of mine and tightens his hold of his arms around me.
"Why would it be weird? If you like to do it, you should. I know you are adventurous and you like to do things, be around people and you should. I just hope you aren't here, on this couch, because you feel like you need to be here. I don't want to hold you back", I'm a little afraid he is here because he feels like he needs to be. I want him to do what he wants to do most. Not put things on hold for me.
I know I said I hoped he'd change his schedule for me, but that's selfish. I can't be selfish, not with a boyfriend who is a world champion. It's about him, not me.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that earlier. You need to do what you want", a tear rolls down my cheek, stupid hormones, stupid cancer.
"I'm here because I missed you. I know we are used to different lifestyles, but we'll manage. I can cancel some things and change my schedule", he tells me. I don't things he notices the silent tears rolling down my face. My back is against his chest and his head is on top of mine. He can't see my face and that's a good thing. I don't want to cry, I feel so stupid doing it but I can't stop it.
"You don't need to change your schedule for me. I don't want you to. Like I said, I want you to do what you want to do", I tell him softly.
"And how do you see this working out?", He asks a little sceptical. I don't really know. I mean, I want to spend days like this. In the beginning of my relationship with Alex I did. We spend days on the couch watching movies, cuddling, talking. But that's different than this. Alex wasn't a famous MotoGP rider. He wasn't important like Fabio is.
"Well, we can see each other when you have time and we'll see each other during race weekends", I eventually say.
"And how do you see summer break?", after the Assen race is summer break and that's five weeks without any race.
"I don't know. Depends on when you have time. And if you don't, then we'll see each other after those five weeks", I don't want to miss him for five whole weeks.
He lifts his head and turns me around to look me in the eyes.
"Why are you crying?", I dry my eyes with my hands.
"That's nothing, just hormones. I cry all the time these past days", and that's really true. I cried over nothing these last days. It just kept coming.
"But you mean it? You'd be okay with not seeing each other for five weeks?", He asks. His eyes look curious at me, almost like he doesn't believe me.
"I'd miss you. But if you're busy, that's fine. I don't want you to change your plans for me. I'm sure you planned some fun things"
"Why do you put yourself second? Why do you act like I'm more important than you?", Fabio looks like he doesn't get it.
I shrug my shoulders. "I just don't want to change you or your life. I am completely different than you and I don't want you to regret this. I can be independent and I don't want you to feel like you need to be with me, or you need to spend time with me when you have other plans"
"You don't have to prove you're independent. I know you are. You can be alone and don't need anyone. You give me the feeling you don't need me. But I need you. I can't be alone, I need people around me and I want you around", this is the first time I see Fabio crying. Yes, of course I saw him cry after he became world champion on TV, but this is different. With my thumb I brush a few tears away.
"You know, I'm really scared that you are getting sicker and I'll lose you. You fucking have cancer", his hands pull at the back of his head, at his hair.
"You fucking have cancer and you sit here like nothing's wrong. You are so strong. You don't need anyone and that's scaring me even more", his eyes are closed, tears stream down and I don't know what to do or say. I didn't know he felt this way.
"You don't know how much I care about you and how much I missed you these last few days", he blinks a few times before looking at me.
I don't know what to say on any of this, so I do the only thing I can do. I lean in and kiss him. It's soft but with so much meaning. I climb on top of his lap, my legs on each side of him. When I break the kiss, I put my forehead against his and keep my eyes closed.
"I'm not going anywhere. I've seen this hundreds of times. They didn't even do a petscan or anything. So it's not that bad. I really believe that", I tell him. I thought about the treatment plan and it's not much they do. Some get 30 or even more radiations, one every day. So this isn't the worst.
"And I care about you a lot. I want to be with you all the time. But I don't want to scare you, suffocate you, make you regret this relationship. I'm not as independent as I try to make you believe. I just thought you didn't need a girl who constantly needs your attention. You're busy enough as it is"
I put my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulder. But it's not long before Fabio let's me go and turns to cough loudly.
"Okay, come. You need to go to bed and rest", I say, standing up.
"Only if you're joining me"