After Portugal, the next race is in Spain. So Tom is not coming home. They are going to Spain on Tuesday morning. He called me Monday morning. We talked for a bit. I told him I needed time to heal and that I'm not okay yet, but I will be. I really believe it. He told me he doesn't know what to do to help me. But I told him he's doing more than enough.
He laughed at me when I told him I go running dayly. 'you never run', was his reaction. He asked me to come to Spain, but I said no. I don't want to be a distraction. But most importantly, I'm not ready yet.
Today, Tuesday, I'm going shopping. I told myself I can take some money out of my savings for new clothes. I want a fresh start.
I completed a run this morning, showered and now I'm walking towards my favourite stores.
"There she is, the little whore", I hear behind me. The familiar voice stops me dead in my tracks. "You really look like a dirty little whore. You always tried to turn me on with your tight clothes but in the end it was only teasing. You really got what you deserved", he taunts me.
"Alex, please leave me alone", I weakly tell him off.
"I'm not done with you yet. But don't worry, after tonight I am. And by then you will be begging me for more", he threatens. After that he turns around and walks away.
I'm shaking, barely managing to stand. I manage to walk to the nearest café and collapse in the restroom. Silent tears stream down my face.
It was my fault. I shouldn't have dressed like this. I did this to myself. I feel so dirty. His words echo in my head, I am a dirty little whore.
After God knows how long, I try calling Tom. I can't go back to my apartment and Tom is the only one who knows. I can call and stay at my parents, but they probably don't ever let me leave again. They are very protective and I love them, but I don't want them to know about this kind of details in my life. And plus, they live in Belgium.
The line goes straight to voicemail. After trying a second time, there's only one number I know I can call.
He answers immediately. "Hello? Who's this?"
"Um, hey. This is Julie. Tom's friend", I try to keep my voice even, without any emotions.
"Hey, what's going on?", He's very direct.
"I need to talk to Tom, he's not answering his phone"
"He's not with me. He went lunching with Mathilde and Herve", Fabio is busy, I hear him saying something in Italian.
"Oh, o-okay. Thank you", shit, my voice is cracking a little. It's quiet for a short moment.
"Julie, what's wrong?"
"It's nothing. Not important", I try to convince him.
"It's not nothing"
"It is. I'll call him later. Thanks again, bye", I hear him call my name but I quickly end the call. Tears streaming down again. There's only one solution now. Going back to my apartment.
After a few more minutes, I dry my eyes and get up. Walking out of the café, like nothing's going on.
I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life. The closer I get to my apartment, the slower I go.
Eventually I'm back home, I don't see anyone and quickly go inside, locking the door in every way possible. I start packing my most precious things and some clothes. Mostly baggy shirts and some sweatpants. I'm not wearing anything formfitting anymore. After packing everything, I look out of the windows to see if he's here. My heart is pounding in my chest when I open the door and rush to my car. I close the door of my apartment, not even bothered to lock it. I'm never coming back here.
After putting everything in the car I rush out of there, driving around with no idea where I can go. Eventually I end up at the Ibis budget hotel close to the airport. It's the most affortable at the moment.
I shower and throw my clothes away, instead I wear a baggy shirt and some sweatpants. After that I don't know what to do. I open my laptop, check my mails, check flights to Belgium. They are way to expensive. I don't really know what to do. I need some kind of work, something to make some money. And I need a new apartment or house.
How did I fuck up my life like this? Two weeks ago I had a job, maybe not my dream job, but it was something. Two weeks ago I had an apartment. A place I felt at home. I felt save..
During my childhood, we traveled to a lot of different places and countries. Nice was the place I liked the most, so I stayed there during college and found work and an apartment. I liked the stability.
The only positive thing about all of this, is the fact that I can go anywhere I want to go. I can stay in Nice, but I can go all over France, even Belgium. And because I speak Spanish, Dutch and Italian. All those countries are possibilities as well. But do I want to?
Do I want to go somewhere I don't know anyone? No, not really. Do I want a fresh start, yes.
I lay down on the bed, checking the messages on my phone. One message from Fabio appears on the screen.
*Hi Julie, I hope you are doing well. I didn't like the abrupt end of our call. You sounded distressed. If you want to talk, you can call me tonight. Hope you will talk. xFabio*
I quickly send one back.
*Hey you. Like I told you, it's nothing, I'm fine. Thank you for checking in ;).
Julie*
It's a sweet gesture. But I can't just call him and tell him about my messed up life. He would think I'm a crazy person.
*That's great. Well let's just talk tonight. I'll call you*
I don't really know what to think. It's nice of him, but at the same time..
That evening I wake up by the sound of my phone. Someone is calling me..
"Hmm hi?", I ask in the phone. I decide to stay in the bed and put the phone on speakerphone.
"Julie, hi, you okay?", I hear Fabio's voice on the other end. He sounds fully awake and energetic.
"Hey.. I'm fine. You woke me up though. What time is it?" I mean it must be late, right?
"It's 9. So not that late. Tired?", His voice getting a little calm and deeper.
"Yeah, a little.. Busy day"
"Hm okay. Hey, first I wanted to ask you why you're dodging Tom's calls? He told me he called you multiple times", Fabio starts off.
"I have been one of your favourite topics to talk about, haven't I?", I sound rude, but why is everybody so on my case. Why can't they just leave me.
"You know it's not like that. Tom is just worried, and I think it's not for nothing. And on top of that, I seem to be the only person you are talking to. So yeah, we talk about you", he tells me calm.
"I'm sorry, that wasn't nice. I think I slept through his calls. Otherwise I would've answered, I really need to talk to him", I really haven't heard my phone.
"Okay. So then, please tell me what's wrong. And if you tell me it's nothing, I will come back to Nice this instant", Fabio threatens.
I take a long deep breath, "it's not nothing. I just don't want to talk about it. It's really sweet what you are trying to do. But I think I just need some time"
"You know.. I used to bottle everything up. I never talked about stuff bothering me and it made me feel worse. I think it's the same for you"
I let out a groan, looking up at the dirty ceiling. "Am I right?", Fabio continues, I can hear him smile a little.
"Yeah. But in this case I don't know if it will help. I need to figure things out first, I think"
"What do you need to figure out?", It feels like I'm in therapy. Me laying flat on my back talking about all this.
I close my eyes, "my work, my apartment, my finances.. my life?", I say it more like a question. His voice makes me relaxed, but nervous at the same time.
"Okay, so work? What happened to your job?"
"I uh.. I quit. I called in sick, but they wouldn't let me and me being my impulsive self I quit. And I can find another job, maybe even with a nicer boss and stuff. But I don't know if I want to and where I want it to be", I say, maybe Italy or something isn't that bad of an idea.
"Hmm.. I hear you, but wait one sec. Someone's knocking at my door", I hear before it's completely silent. He, of course, has better things to do.
After a few minutes, he's back. His voice soft and careful. "Hey, um.. I actually have to leave. I forgot I had something planned. But Tom's here. Do you want to talk to him for a while?"
"Yeah, okay. Thank you"
"Julie, is that you? Are you okay?", I hear before I said goodbye to Fabio.
"Yeah, it's me. I'm fine", I tell him with a little smile.
"Oh thank god", Tom sighs, "what happened today?"
"Oh.. I uh.. I.. shit", tears stream down my face, "I saw Alex"
"What? Why? You okay?", Tom almost screams at me. It makes me a little calmer for some reason. Although the tears keep streaming.
"I'm okay. I ran into him. I wanted to go shopping. He said some things. I panicked, but it's okay now", I try to calm him down.
"What did he say?", Tom presses.
"Please, don't let me repeat that over the phone.. I can't", I beg him. I can't repeat it. Not when I'm all alone in an hotel room.
"Okay, but you are coming here. Asap.", he tells me. "Hey Fab, I'm getting Julie over here, good?"
"Wait, I thought he left?", This is all so confusing.
"He's getting ready. But I am booking you a flight right now", there's no arguing with Tom when he's like this. And I'm too tired and miserable to do so.
"Can you be at the Nice airport around 10am?", That's convenient, I'm already there. But he doesn't need to know that right now.
"Yeah!"
"Great. You have to transfer at Madrid and I'll pick you up at the Jerez airport. Get some sleep, okay? And if something's wrong, just call. I'll keep my phone with me!"