It's been a week since that second session with Carlos. That session didn't go as planned. Carlos eventually suggested private sessions for us both. But Fabio didn't want that. He went to Greece that same night. I also left his house. I went back home. I wanted to continue working with Carlos, but he's way too expensive. I payed for the two sessions I had and that's it. Fabio and I haven't talked. Tom and I haven't either.
Margaux and I are living together, but she doesn't know what's going on. She's at work during the day and I have locked myself inside the house. Carlos send me the sounds he let me listen to in the second session and told me to listen to it every night, thinking about every thing bothering me that day.
Today I can't stop looking at a photo from Fabio, Tom, Mathilde and Tony. The caption is 'best team around'. I miss them. I would want to be there, but Fabio told me to 'just die'.
I've talked to my doctor here. I am completely clean from the cancer, his words. We talked about the DNR and DNI, he says he didn't know and it's not in my record. So that's it then. I know I should be grateful, but I'm not, not right now.
I got a psych consult in two days. We are gonna start all over again. Maybe they won't let me leave there. Maybe they think I'm a danger to myself and others. I don't really care anymore.
This last week I didn't get any calls, messages or anything. That proves I was right. Everyone already forgot about me. I didn't forget about them. I see all of their stories, find all different fan accounts. It's not like I have anything else to do.
Fabio's POV
A week has passed. A week since I ran away. I never ran away from anything or anyone. But now, I just couldn't stay. I couldn't handle it, and I still can't.
They all asked me what was wrong, why I suddenly came to Greece. But I lied. I didn't tell them. Tom asked about Julie. I told him, she was home. I don't even know where she is. Maybe she is dead. I told her she could die.. how could I do that? I don't want her to die. I want her with me.
Tom asked if she would join us. I told him, she was busy. It only tells me, she didn't reach out to him. I could've guessed that, she apparently thought he didn't care. So why would you reach out to someone who doesn't care. I wouldn't. Maybe that's why I ran away. If she really wants to end it, she doesn't care about me either.
Tom thinks I'm texting and calling her. He tells me every day to tell her, he misses her. I tell him, she misses him.
In two days we are going home. We're going to the F1 weekend in France and after it's a week at home, before it's raceweek. I'm so glad to go back to racing. I missed it.
But I'm dreading to stay at home for a whole week. I don't know what I'm gonna see when I walk through that door. Maybe she's still there, I left before her, so I don't know. Maybe she took all her stuff, maybe not. Or maybe she just left everything behind, like she did in Nice. She said she thought about going back to Alex. Because she deserved the way he treated her. Maybe she did that. Maybe she's in Nice right now.
Would she be in Silverstone? I'm going there in exactly two weeks. As far as I know, we have a meeting planned on Thursday. Just the two of us. Will she be there? Maybe she quit her job or maybe she's on sick leave.
I don't even know how her checkup went last week. Would she be cancer free? Or maybe it's still there and growing. Would she tell anyone? I don't think she would.
"Hey! Where's your mind at? Are you missing your beautiful girlfriend?", Mathilde teases me. I just shrug. Let them think that.
"Romeo misses his Juliet", Tom says, typing on his phone.
"Hm, what?", I ask a little confused.
"Oh, I'm just sending a picture to Julie, you should've seen your face, it almost looks like heartbreak", Tom says, showing me the picture.
Shit.. sending a picture to Julie is bad. What if she tells him it's over? Or just doesn't answers. If she answers, I atleast know she's not dead.
"She's laughing at you, brother", he smiles. Wait, what? So she answers? I must look confused because Tom shows me his phone.
The text only says 'haha, have fun'. Well atleast she's still alive and she doesn't tell him about us. Well there is no us anymore.
"I'll tell her, you'll call her tonight", he says as I stand up. I nod, before walking to the bar, ordering another glass of wine.
I keep drinking the wine, wanting to forget what happened. I don't want to feel a thing tonight.
Eventually Tom brings me to my room, but I'm not drunk enough to forget. I need more alcohol.
Then I hear a voice I desperately want to forget.
"Fabio?", I hear through the speaker.
"No, no it's Tom. Fabio's a little drunk", Tom tells Julie. He must've called her, because he thinks we talk every night.
"Oh", is all I hear. And I picture her beautiful face in surprise or maybe even shock.
"Is it okay, if he calls you tomorrow? You can go a day without hearing his voice right? He did tell you, I miss you, right? I asked him to tell you that every night", Tom keeps talking like nothing's wrong.
"Yeah, no problem. He told me. Miss you too", her voice cracks with that last sentence. "I've got to go. See you soon Tom", she ends the call immediately.
It's weird to hear her voice. It's only one week, but it feels like a lifetime. Maybe I should tell Tom about what happened. Not maybe, I should. But at the same time.. what if he doesn't handle it well? He didn't handle her being in the hospital well. And this is worse.
But at the same time.. is it my story to tell? Apart from the breakup, it's her story. I don't think she will share it again. That's my fault. I made things worse, I know I did.
I did talk to Carlos last Friday. He called and asked how I was doing. I wanted to pay him for his time, but he told me Julie already did that. He also told me, she no longer had sessions, saying she couldn't afford it. Well I get that, it's way too expensive.
"Bro?", Tom asks, trying to get my attention. "Why did you drink this much?"
"I'm on holiday, I can drink if I want to. I don't need a reason", I try to convince him.
"You always need a reason. You only drink to celebrate or drown your sorrows. And it feels like the latter right now", Tom sits next to me on the bed.
"It's not that big of a deal, okay?", I desperately wanted to avoid this conversation.
"Not okay", Tom keeps looking at me expectantly.
"We broke up. That's it", I feel frustrated. I just want to be alone, alone with alcohol.
"You what? When? Why?", Tom stammers out questions.
"We broke up, last week. It's no big deal and I want to be alone right now. So can we just leave it at that?", I ask frustrated.
"Last week? So you have been lying to us for a whole week?", Tom asks in disbelief. His face is shocked and I get it. His best friend, well both his best friends betrayed him, by lying.
"She just lied to my as well?"
"Yes.. we haven't talked. But please, Tom. I know you're angry, but please leave it. I'll tell you some day or she will. But right now I need to be alone", I sigh. Tom doesn't say a word, I know he's angry or upset. Or both. He walks out like that.
I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I can't help it. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose. I can't tell him, she thinks he doesn't care. Or that she wanted to die and still wants to. That that's the reason we broke up. He's gonna think I'm an asshole for doing that and he's gonna be devastated.
I lay down, groaning. I shouldn't have walked out. I shouldn't have left her. I'm so stupid.
I hope she's okay, I love her.
Julie's POV
Since Friday I'm in a psychiatric ward. They think I'm depressed and a huge danger to myself. I'm alone, I'm not around other people and I'm having private therapy every day. They took my phone, after I called Margaux and told her I needed to leave for clinica mobile. I don't watch television, hear news on the radio or read a newspaper. We don't have that here. I'm in my room or at the gym. I'm running again, on the treadmill, everyday after therapy. I don't even really know how long I'm here. I don't get sharp objects, because they think I'm gonna hurt myself with it.
The therapy is hard, but it helps. I mean, I wasn't going to hurt myself, I couldn't. But I wanted this all to end.
Now I understand I can make a great life for myself. I can try and be happy. I think I never really was happy. Well some days with Fabio, I really was happy. But other than that I never really was, I was always thinking about how I could be better, how I wasn't enough. And I only did things to make others happy. I never thought about myself. We talk about that a lot. It's like they hold a mirror.
They let me think about what I want, and what makes me happy. I want to go back in the MotoGP world. I still want to help people. But not like I did, I don't want to do that much. I only want to focus on giving my insights. I want to be able to stand around the track, watching them ride, make pictures. I don't want to have to watch everything on a small screen at night, because I was busy doing treatments all day.
I think that will make me happy. My home here in the Netherlands makes me happy. I'm not gonna be happy by going all over the world like Fabio. I want to be at home within races.
We talked about Fabio a lot. And I don't know if it's a good idea to go back in that relationship. I love him, I want to be with him, he makes me happy. But I don't think our relationship will make me happy. And I don't really think he wants me back anyways. He told me to 'just die'. Here they say it was because of fear that he said it. But I don't know. His voice and the way he said it, I think he really meant it. But why didn't he tell Tom? Tom texted and called two days before I went here. He texted a picture of Fabio with the caption 'Romeo misses his Juliet'. Which is more suited than he thinks. Fabio probably thought I was already dead. When Tom called he said something about if I could go a day without hearing his voice and if Fabio told me Tom misses me. Like we talked every night. Maybe Fabio told him that. I didn't question it. It's his best friend after all. If he doesn't want to say anything, I won't either.
We talked about Tom too. I think it's the same as with Fabio. I love him, he makes me happy. But how we were together, how we treated each other wasn't good for me. He feels like a brother, but never will be one. And saying he is, isn't the same as acting he is. And it's the same way the other way around. When I'm not there he misses me, but when I am, he almost acts like I don't exist. That boat trip made a lot of things clear.
We agreed I'm gonna leave for Silverstone on Wednesday and be back here on Monday. I'm gonna stay here for atleast another week after. And if it goes a little better, I only come in a few times a week for therapy. Silverstone is my test, to see how I manage. I got my phone back today, two days before I'm gonna leave for Silverstone to work everything out. To book a hotelroom, to arrange flights and to call Dr Zasa and explain. Maybe he doesn't even want me on the team anymore. To much of a risk. I try not to think about that situation, but it's a possibility.
I am dreading going. But also can't wait.