I just arrived at Silverstone and I'm on my way to the clinica mobile. I have a meeting with Dr Zasa.
We spoke shortly on the phone and he wanted to me come in and talk to him first.
I rented a bike for the weekend so I can cycle around the paddock, the track and back to the hotel. This way I'm not dependant on anyone and I like that.
"Ah Julie, thank you for coming in", Michele Zasa says when he sees me. "How are you doing? You've had a rough couple of weeks, I understand?"
I nod, "yeah, well I'm okay right now. I'm dealing with some mental health issues at the moment. And I've been admitted in a ward for a few weeks. So it's a bit weird to be here right now", I admit.
"It's good that you got help and that you are telling me this. But I'm also very glad you came", he says. "We are short on staff this weekend. I spoke to Matteo and he's staying with Marc right now. Working on his rehabilitation. So it's just you and Marco as physical therapists. And Sarah and me as doctors. So Sarah is going to do as much checkups as she can, while Marco is doing treatments. I will do injuries and I hope you can focus on the six riders you are working with", he explains.
So Matteo isn't coming here. That's new.
Can I focus on the six riders? The six riders including Fabio. That's what I wanted to suggest, but still it's going to be hard.
"Yeah. I will. Do I need to do their treatments as well?", I hope not.
"Only if they ask for you specifically or if Marco is completely booked. Checkups can go to Sarah for them as well. But if you want to do a checkup yourself, that's fine too"
I nod. I hope I don't have to do any treatments. I think it will be all too much.
"Okay, great. Will you check in every day when you're finished? I want to make sure you're doing okay"
"I will, thank you for understanding", I am very grateful for how he helps me.
"Not a problem, Julie. I know Pecco and Luca are already here and Fabio's coming in tonight as you probably know", he tells me before I walk out. I didn't know, but my meeting with him is tomorrow at his motorhome, so I figured.
I decide to just go to the Ducati hospitality. With a bit of luck both men are there. And maybe even Marco. So that means three riders in one meeting.
I walk into the hospitality when I hear familiar voices. I see all three riders and Uccio sitting there.
"Can I interrupt?", I ask when I'm close. They all look up immediately.
"Julie! Ciao. Come stai?", Pecco stands and hugs me.
"I'm okay. What about you guys?", I hug Luca as well. "Luca, congrats with your engagement"
"Ah, grazie. But are you sure you're okay? You aren't working are you?", Luca asks, sitting back down.
"Yes, I am. I'm all cleared, just need to take things slow. So I wanted to ask if we could do the meeting here today", I look at all of them expectantly.
"Well, I'm very happy that you're here and I'm glad you're okay", Pecco starts and Luca and Uccio nod. Marco isn't really paying attention. "But I talked to Fabio and he said he wasn't sure you were coming. It would be a lot to handle"
I just shrug, "I can handle it". So they talk about me? I shouldn't exactly be surprised they did when I was in the hospital and just after. "So do you guys mind doing the meeting today?"
"No, no. Let's do it now", Uccio speaks up.
It was a long meeting reviewing three races, but it was nice. Then we talked a bit about summer break, but I didn't tell them much. They asked if I went to Italy and Greece with Fabio. But I just shoke my head. I told them I spend time in Andorra and at home. I'm not telling them I was admitted in a ward and that I'm crazy.
When we are done, Pecco walks out with me. "I'll walk you to the motorhome", he tells me when we are outside.
"Oh, I'm not staying in the paddock this weekend", I say, walking towards my bike.
"What's going on?", He looks surprised. He doesn't understand I'm not staying at Fabio's.
"I'm just staying in a hotel. It's better to have some peace and quiet", I shrug. I want to tell him that we broke up, that I wasn't really doing okay. But Fabio is pretending we are still together, so I can't.
"Let me take you to the hotel. I can see that you're tired. I'll come and get you tomorrow morning and then you can take your bike again", Pecco suggests. I am tired. Maybe I should.
"If it's not too much trouble for you", I nod slowly.
He takes me towards his car and opens the door for me. He gets in on the other side and starts the car.
After a little while, I start talking. "You know, it's not only the peace and quiet why I'm in the hotel this weekend. Fabio and I broke up", I tell him. I don't want to lie anymore.
"You what?", Pecco asks surprised.
"We broke up. About three weeks ago. Well we actually not really broke up, he was done with my problems and left. We haven't talked. So we just stopped or something", I try to explain.
"Done with your problems?", He asks, looking confused. His brows knitted together.
"Yeah. I was seeing a therapist because I wasn't feeling good mentally. He was very supportive. Until I told them some dark stuff that I kept thinking about. And that was too much", I sigh, "I don't blame him. I thought about how I shouldn't have said those things out loud.. but I need to stop with bottling everything up. I need to stop lying and saying I'm fine", I relax my head against the headrest.
"I think it's good you're working through it. Are you a bit better now? Mentally?", He carefully asks.
I nod, "Yes. I'm finding my happiness again. Finding a way to live, I feel comfortable with"
"Then Fabio can only be happy. He'll come around", Pecco stops in front of my hotel.
"I doubt it. But we'll see", I take my things and open the door, "Thank you Pecco"
"I'll be here tomorrow at 7?", He questions. I nod, before closing the door, watching him leave.
In the hotel room I almost immediately fall asleep. I'm too tired to worry about tomorrow and that's a good thing. This way I can atleast have a few hours of rest.
The next morning Pecco took me to the circuit. I tried my best this morning, wanting to atleast look good for my meeting with Fabio.
I wear a bit of a baggy band shirt, tugged in to a high waisted black skinny jeans and new white sneakers. My curly hair is extra curly this morning with that one spot covered. And I even put on a little make up. My clinica mobile hoodie tied around my shoulders, sunglasses on my nose, backpack on my back and a new camera on my hip. I'm all ready for today.
Pecco, Dom, Luca, Marta and I have a quick breakfast, before I take my bike and cycle to Fabio's motorhome.
I hope he's awake and ready, because I'm quite nervous and want to get this over with.
When I get there Tom's outside.
"Hey Tom", I say, getting off the bike.
"Hey. How have you been?", He looks me up and down, inspecting me.
"I'm getting there. Do you know if Fabio's ready?", I ask, really wanting to get this done. I have been harsh on Tom. Thinking he doesn't care. And I know that's not true. But still I have trouble understanding his actions some times. Like how distant he was on the boat and how he's acting now. And maybe that's because of how distant I was, but it doesn't really add up.
He nods, walking towards the door of the motorhome.
"Fabio, you're physical therapist is here", he calls inside. Ouch, that hurts. Not Julie, just the physical therapist. Well I think this is the behaviour I'm finding hard to understand. I try to not let it bother me.
I take my laptop and get everything ready. I took the liberty to look at last year's race as well, because I know Fabio has watched it a few times this last week. He always does.
Fabio walks out in his Yamaha polo, his blue oversized long pants and sneakers. His hair is blonde, almost white again. He did that just after he left me. I saw it on Instagram.
"Good morning", I decide to speak first. I don't really know what else to say.
Fabio nods, "I thought Matteo would take over from you", he says a little surprised.
"Matteo isn't here this weekend. But business is business right? We are professionals after all"
"Right", Fabio nods. It's quiet for a few moments, Fabio's looking at me almost as if he's seen a ghost.
"I figured you left for Nice or left altogether", he says. He means back to Alex or died.
"I stayed in the Netherlands for the remaining of summer break. How was your holiday?", I try to make small talk.
So he really thought I would have died in the meantime. Maybe he wished me dead. After his words, I wouldn't be surprised. My stomach turns at the idea.
"It was fine..", he wants to say something more, when Tom comes back out.
"Fabio you have to get to your other meeting", he says. Well okay, that was short.
"I'll leave you my laptop and notes, so you can go through them yourself. If you can get them back to the clinica mobile, somewhere around the end of the day", I tell him, standing.
"You staying in the motorhome?", Fabio asks.
I shake my head, "No, I'm in a hotel closeby"
"I thought, staying in the paddock was mandatory?", Fabio looks surprised, standing up as well.
Okay, here goes the truth..
"Well, when you have been staying in a psychiatric ward for the last weeks, I guess you get some privileges. I enjoy the luxuries before going back Monday", I tell him softly, smiling a little.
Fabio wants to say something, but Tom interrupts, not hearing our conversation. "Fabio, we need to go"
"Go. Good luck this weekend", I take the rest of my stuff and get on my bike. This could have gone worse. But it could have gone better too. I feel myself shaking because of the adrenaline.
Because both Jack and Franco cancelled their appointment, it's a slow day for me. I help Sarah with checkups for a few hours, before changing clothes and going for a run on track.
I run two laps and walk one. It's hot and I'm out of breathe when I walk back.
My phone starts ringing in my earphones and I pick it up like that.
"Yeah?", I ask out of breathe.
"Hey", I hear a familiar voice, "um.. it's Fabio"
"Hi", I try to control my breathing. My heart starts beating faster and I feel nervous.
"You okay?", Fabio asks unsure.
"Yeah, yeah. I ran a few laps. So I'm a little out of breathe", why is he calling?
"Oh. Um, you.. I mean, I looked at your notes. Do you want to pick up your laptop?", He asks. He sounds a bit unsure.
"Yeah, okay. I'll be there in a few minutes. Thank you", I say before ending the call. I walk back to my bike, take some water and wipe the sweat off my forehead. I check my makeup in the mirror, making sure I don't have panda eyes and get on the bike, cycling to Fabio's motorhome for the second time today.