Fabio sits outside with my laptop and notebook on the table. He's alone, Tom not in sight.
I would've thought he would bring it to the clinica mobile. I also thought we wouldn't see each other again this weekend. Atleast not on purpose.
I get off my bike and Fabio stands, taking my laptop and notebook and giving it to me.
"Thanks. Hope it was of use", I put it in my backpack and hold my bike again. I'm going to the hotel.
"It was. I didn't expect you to review the race from last year as well", he says. He shoves his hands in his pockets, looking unsure and almost uncomfortable.
"I knew you would. And since your race in Assen wasn't what you hoped it would be, I thought I'd do both", I shrug. "Plus, I didn't really wanted to be reminded. I though you wouldn't want to as well"
He nods, "you want to sit and have a drink? Or do you need to be somewhere?", He gestures to the space he just sat.
"I.. um, okay. But just a few minutes. I don't want to be in the way", I let go of my bike and sit down on a lounge chair.
Fabio goes inside and walks back out with two bottles of water, handing one to me.
"So are you here the entire weekend?", Fabio asks sitting down opposite of me.
I nod, "yeah. But only for advise and meetings if one of you six need someting. I'm not working in the clinica mobile. If you need a checkup, Sarah will do those. And Marco is on treatment this weekend"
Fabio stays quiet and I dare to ask a question that's on the back of my mind since yesterday.
"Did you tell anyone about our break up?", I ask hesitant, looking down.
Fabio shakes his head, "Tom knows. But he's frustrated with both of us, because I didn't tell him any reason", that explains his behaviour this morning. "You are still wearing your necklace and bracelet", he starts softly.
"I couldn't really take it off. But if you want it back..", I don't finish my sentence. I don't want to give it back. I want to have a reminder of us. It sounds silly.
"It's yours"
I nod slowly. We both stay quiet. And it feels awkward, but just when I want to stand and go, Fabio starts talking again.
"So, you've been in a psychiatric ward?", He quietly asks.
"Yeah, I have. They admitted me immediately, saying I was a danger to myself. I'm going back on Monday. This is just a trail to see if I can handle things", I fiddle with the bottle in my hands.
"Do you still want to..", Fabio starts, but doesn't finish his question.
I shake my head, knowing what he means. "I'm starting to see the good things again. Finding my happiness"
Fabio nods, giving me a small smile.
"How are you? I hope your time in Greece relaxed you and made you forget about me", I say, my voice soft.
"Do you want me to forget about you?", Fabio asks, his eyes lock with mine and I can't manage to say a thing. It takes a while before I look down, shaking my head.
"No. But I know that's selfish. I'm not even ready to leave the psych ward. I need to heal before I can even think about a relationship", I look up again and see his sad eyes.
"I can't forget about you, I don't think I ever will", he tells me. I have the urge to cry. It's so sweet. But our relationship never really worked out because of my issues. We started this all way too soon.
"What are you thinking?", Fabio looks at me, his eyes hold something I can't quite place.
"I think about our time together. How we never could've worked out because of the mess I was. But I wouldn't take it back. I loved our time together", I tell him honestly.
"Do you think we maybe have a chance in the future?", Fabio asks, he reaches and takes my hand in his. It sends electricity through my whole body.
"I don't know. Maybe.. But maybe I will always be too damaged", I slowly take my hand out of his and stand up. "I think it's better if I go now. Thank you for this..", I say getting everything in the basket on the front of the bike before putting my sunglasses on.
"Just don't shut me out okay? I atleast want to know how you are doing from time to time", he suddenly says, he puts his hand over mine on my bike. "Please?"
I nod. "And if you need anything this weekend, just text me okay? I may be taking things slow, but I'm still here", I tell him. He let's go and I get on my bike. Going back to the hotel.
Friday and Saturday are pretty uneventful. I watched all the sessions around the track, watching some specific corners.
I spoke with Pecco and Luca a few times, giving them some pointers and also had a long meeting with Franco on Friday.
Saturday after qualifying I got a text from Fabio asking if I had time to treat him.
I texted him a time and now I'm waiting for him in the clinica mobile. I just had a quick checkup with Dr Zasa and now I'm working some things out on my laptop while waiting for Fabio. I grabbed a monster energy for some extra energy in this early afternoon.
"No redbull?", I hear behind me.
I turn around and see Fabio standing there smiling.
He closes the door behind him and sits on the treatment table.
"So, what can I do for you?", I ask smiling.
"I went to Marco yesterday, but his treatment didn't really help. So I was hoping you could help", Fabio says. "It's my neck and both my thighs"
I nod, "I'll start on your neck. You can take off your shirt and lay on your belly"
Fabio does as he's told, and I'm glad he can't see me right now. I take a few extra sips of the energy drink before starting on his neck. My hands shake a little.
"Your qualifying looked good. Do you feel good?", I ask, trying to shift the attention.
"A little. I'm quite confident, but I still need a strategy for tomorrow", he tells me. His muscles are tense. "This already feels so much more relaxing"
I think I need a massage after this. I feel a little awkward and tense. I don't know how to act normal.
Instead I just try to focus on his tense muscles. The thing I'm good at.
It's quiet for more than ten minutes when Fabio speaks up again.
"You are quiet today. Is something wrong?", He asks. I let go of his neck, cleaning it.
"You can turn around and take off your pants", I tell him, turning away, giving him his privacy.
"You don't have to turn around, you've seen this plenty of times", Fabio says. I don't answer and I don't turn around.
"I'm done", he tells me, "is this weird for you?"
I blush, covering him up with a towel.
"It is weird for me, you know", Fabio confesses. "I try not to show it. But I feel like I need to hold myself back"
"Maybe we should just talk about today. How was FP4 and qualifying?", I ask instead. I start working on his thighs.
"Okay. It was okay. I think it was a very good lap, but not good enough. The pace is good though. Where did you watch?"
"I was around the track with my bike. I made some pictures and made some notes. I ran into your brother and Marion too. Didn't know they were here. Are your niece and nephew here as well?", I tell him. It was a bit weird to run into them. I said hi, but that was about it.
"Ah yeah, they are here. But Luca and Louane are with my parents, unfortunately", he really loves his niece and nephew. "Did you enjoy watching it this way?"
"Yeah, it was nice, I", a knock interrupts me. "Yes?", I ask and the door opens a little, revealing Dr Zasa.
"Julie, are you almost done or not?", he asks.
"I think ten, fifteen minutes tops. Why do you ask?", I look a little surprised by his question.
"Can you do a quick taping? Marco already left"
I look at Fabio, who nods. "I can wait. Go ahead". I smile softly at his words. And stand up, walking out behind Dr Zasa.
"You saw the crash from Aleix this afternoon right? He just had some cryotherapy and now needs taping on both his ankles", he tells me walking into the right room.
"Hey Aleix, how does it feel?", I ask sitting down at his ankles, carefully feeling the structures underneath.
"It hurts when I stand on it", he looks at what I'm doing.
"You want to do a tight 90 degree tape on both? To relieve pressure on the ligaments?", I look at Dr Zasa, who nods at my questions. It's an easy and quick tape and I'm done in no time.
"Thank you, Julie. Tell Fabio I'm ready to fight him tomorrow", Aleix tells me.
"You tell him that yourself. I don't talk about who I'm treating", I smile, before walking out again and going back to my own room.
Fabio looks up surprised when I enter again. He puts his phone down, "that's quick"
"Can't leave the world champion waiting for too long", I smile a little.
I continue my work and it's a little less awkward. Fabio is scrolling through Instagram for a little and I quietly work on his thighs.
"You're all done", I tell him after about fifteen minutes. I turn to wash my hands while he can put his clothes back on.
"Thank you", he tells me, before pulling me in a hug. I tense a little at the sudden contact, before relaxing in his arms. He pulls away a little to be able to look at me, before suddenly placing his lips on mine. It's a soft kiss and I break it after a few seconds.
"Shit.. I'm sorry, Julie. I wanted to do that since I saw you on Thursday. Was it too much too soon?", Fabio asks in a whisper.
I nod, a tear sliding down. "Maybe it's best if you go. I'll clean up and go back to the hotel", I softly tell him, looking down.
I hear Fabio sigh, before the door opens and closes again. Fabio left.
I take my stuff, dry my eyes and get ready to leave. I call out to Dr Zasa, before walking out towards my bike. I'm exhausted now. More mentally than physically.
I don't really know how I got back to the hotel, but I did. I take a long warm bath and put on some music. My body finally starts to relax again and my mind is getting at ease as well.
I lay in bed and immediately fall asleep. It's a sleep full with dreams, but it's better than nothing.
I'm awake a few times and write down my dreams. It's something I learned from my therapist. She told me, my dreams will tell me things about my feelings. And if I have a couple at night I need to write it down shortly to try and remember them all in the morning. In between the dreams, I'm asleep quite quickly, so I'm pretty happy about that and all in all I rest a little.
The dreams are about Fabio, about the good times together, about the intimate moments.. does this mean, I want him back?